How to start dating again? - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

User Tag List

 63Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-17-2016, 02:48 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 49
How to start dating again?

I have been separated and now divorced. I moved out November of last year. Shared custody. Husband is an alcoholic. Ex husband. We live in the same town. I am staying here because I wanted my son to have a relationship with his dad. I could have accepted a much better position in a larger city.
I am ready to get back to dating. I really am not looking to play. I want a serious relationship. I am 38 years old, a busy professional, self sufficient. Not looking for a sugar daddy, but I am not willing to become a sugar mommy. I will be trying to meet a man with similar education level and comparable income. ( Masters+, 100K+).
Any input?

SadDaisy is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-17-2016, 03:14 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,967
Re: How to start dating again?

If you are just starting to get your feet wet, I'd suggest that you start with just socializing more. Get out and meet people.

One good way to do that is to check on meetup.com for your area. See what is going on that interests you. Go meet people who are doing what you like to do. There will be both men and women. I've been going to meetups and even started two of my own (a walking group and a gardening group). I've been meeting quite a few people, to include men. It's a great way to screen guys before dating even becomes a topic.

Then once you get more comfortable, you might want to try online dating sites... and start those slowly so you have time to learn about it. One thing about online dating that I found is that it's important to not keep it online for long. If you meet a guy who seems interesting, meet him in person. Do it in a place like a coffee shop for a short date. You drive, do not get in his car, etc. A lot of people are very different in real life than they seem to be online.
EleGirl is online now  
post #3 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-17-2016, 05:53 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 49
Re: How to start dating again?

I got one month subscription for a dating site, and it didn't go anywhere.
Hardly any well written profiles. "Hi babe" type of interactions.
Met with two. I didn't like one of them at all. I liked the other guy, but he tried to kiss me on the first date, and that was unacceptable. He called me again, but I didn't want to see him.
I have lots of friends, most are married couples. Also, some are common friends with the ex.
I feel funny about "being introduced".
SadDaisy is offline  
 
post #4 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-17-2016, 07:26 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 530
Re: How to start dating again?

Well, everyone has their own boundaries that they feel comfortable with, with physical intimacy. But it's by no means unusual for a guy to go for a kiss on a first date. If he had tried to get you to go back to his place and have crazy monkey sex, I could understand your hesitation, but it sounds like you had a good time, so I'm curious. Why was it unacceptable? Was he a terrible kisser or was it just that it felt to soon for you?
joannacroc is offline  
post #5 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 49
Re: How to start dating again?

Way too soon. I haven't had any physical intimacy since the ex husband.
SadDaisy is offline  
post #6 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 04:57 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 530
Re: How to start dating again?

Well that's understandable. Did you explain that on the date? That you really enjoyed his company but that you wanted to take things slowly? If not, maybe that would be a good thing to let future dates know early on? I know it's super awkward. But at the same time, at least if you like the next guy he will know you aren't ready for first kisses on date 1.
joannacroc is offline  
post #7 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 05:02 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,603
Re: How to start dating again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
If you are just starting to get your feet wet, I'd suggest that you start with just socializing more. Get out and meet people.

One good way to do that is to check on meetup.com for your area. See what is going on that interests you. Go meet people who are doing what you like to do. There will be both men and women. I've been going to meetups and even started two of my own (a walking group and a gardening group). I've been meeting quite a few people, to include men. It's a great way to screen guys before dating even becomes a topic.

Then once you get more comfortable, you might want to try online dating sites... and start those slowly so you have time to learn about it. One thing about online dating that I found is that it's important to not keep it online for long. If you meet a guy who seems interesting, meet him in person. Do it in a place like a coffee shop for a short date. You drive, do not get in his car, etc. A lot of people are very different in real life than they seem to be online.

I resemble that remark!

Good CAd Block advice.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is online now  
post #8 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 05:15 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,603
Re: How to start dating again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SadDaisy View Post
Way too soon. I haven't had any physical intimacy since the ex husband.
This is an issue.

You do not want to be loose or give the impression of being loose. Not if you are looking for a LTR.

But if you are wound up tighter than a Banjo string you will drive many good, passionate men away.

Maybe this is what you want in a man..... stable, easygoing, predictable, a nice guy, non-confrontational, safe.......... lackluster.

All types are out there. As men get older and more mature they do not want to wait forever for a simple....good night kiss.

And remember, people who are not married or divorced, in their late 30's, 40's, 50's and 60's are single for a reason...many are bad reasons.

There are two sides to this well worn dating coin. Heads you win, tails....you run!.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is online now  
post #9 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 11:22 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 832
Re: How to start dating again?

Daisy, I meet your qualifications of education/income so I'm going to share my perspective from the other side of the coin. I think you have unrealistic goals. Successful/educated men are used to having women show a great deal of interest in them and having such strict boundaries like not kissing on a first date is not something that will entice us for a second date. The type of guy that would be OK with that situation is probably going to be the guy that has no other options and is thus willing to wait. Is that really the type of guy you want? Aside from your desires, remember that the guy has desires too and you need to see if what you are offering is going to meet his needs. Most successful men don't care about a woman's income (as long as she can support herself and isn't a gold digger) so that isn't really an enticement. Education is great, but there are plenty of very smart women that don't have masters+ level of education, and quite honestly chemistry/attraction are far more important than how long a woman's gone to school for (again, as long as she meets the minimum level). If you are limiting the physical expression of chemistry/attraction then you are going to have a hard time finding the type of guy you want.

I personally think that you aren't really ready to date yet, and it's OK to take your time. Maybe instead of dating focus on finding new friends that you can hang out with and see if something eventually develops with time. That's the most likely way that you can get to know someone first before kissing, and not have them lose interest quickly in you. If you are meeting guys on dating sites they will have expectations of what dating entails and it probably is at a different pace than you are comfortable with.
Bananapeel is offline  
post #10 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 04:26 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,254
Re: How to start dating again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by joannacroc View Post
Well, everyone has their own boundaries that they feel comfortable with, with physical intimacy. But it's by no means unusual for a guy to go for a kiss on a first date. If he had tried to get you to go back to his place and have crazy monkey sex, I could understand your hesitation, but it sounds like you had a good time, so I'm curious. Why was it unacceptable? Was he a terrible kisser or was it just that it felt to soon for you?
Quote:
Originally Posted by SadDaisy View Post
Way too soon. I haven't had any physical intimacy since the ex husband.
If you feel that it's too soon, are you sure you're ready to date, let alone have a relationship? People don't date or get into relationships so they can be celibate--people get into relationships so they can have physical and emotional intimacy. If you're not ready for a kiss, you're likely not ready for a relationship. Maybe you need to take a little more time for yourself before you venture out into the dating waters.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is online now  
post #11 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 04:40 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 49
Re: How to start dating again?

I am ready meaning I put my relationship with the ex behind me and have worked through pain I may have had left. I am not looking for a guy to heal me. I think a relationship should start with friendship, not with kissing on the first date.
SadDaisy is offline  
post #12 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 04:49 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 49
Re: How to start dating again?

Have you heard of HPV causing throat cancer? I don't doubt that gets transmitted via kissing.
SadDaisy is offline  
post #13 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 05:19 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Hope Shimmers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: US
Posts: 480
Re: How to start dating again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SadDaisy View Post
Have you heard of HPV causing throat cancer? I don't doubt that gets transmitted via kissing.
According to research it really doesn't seem to be transmitted that way (even when kissing someone with an oral HPV-related cancer).

Speaking as a woman in the same general situation as you except divorced for the last 9 years - and status/post several long-term relationships but back on the market again - I think you are going to have to relax your criteria a little. I am also in the same education/income level as you (physician).

I agree with EleGirl and Bananapeel that you may feel you want a serious relationship right out of the gate, but you probably aren't ready for one. The best thing to do is ease into it. Jumping from one long-term relationship (your marriage) to another is a nice recipe for disaster (ask me how I know this).

As for the kissing/HPV thing... life is about risk versus benefits. Go for the kissing. Like banana said, most guys - especially those in your desired income/education that make up the top 0.00001% of all available men - want you to kiss them. At least. If you don't want to then that's fine, but then you might as well kiss them goodbye because there are lots of single women out there waiting in line.

Lastly - it sounds like you have gotten your feet wet with online dating (OLD). It's a nightmare. You really have to search for those rare gems hidden among all those dirty rocks. And, I have lost count of how many dates I went on with guys who thought it was okay to put up photos that were decades old and then show up with 20+ years and 80+ pounds more than the photos showed, for our date. Uggh.

Good luck!
Hope Shimmers is offline  
post #14 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 06:28 PM
Member
 
Wolf1974's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 4,992
Re: How to start dating again?

Also just want to chime in with the perspective from the other side. You may want to get in a serious relationship but you have to realize that you first need to get to that point. That it likely going to involve dating around and going slow. Online profiles that have a laundry list of "qualifiers" turnoff serious guys but will definetly attract the player types. My suggestion to my female friends is to date to enjoy but don't actively pursue anything. That will only lead to aggravation.

Go slow and enjoy this time to yourself and the adventures of meeting new people. If it's suppose to happen it will.
Wolf1974 is offline  
post #15 of 54 (permalink) Old 09-20-2016, 05:12 AM
Member
 
Chuck71's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Where I lay my head
Posts: 6,702
Re: How to start dating again?

As for no kiss on first date.... throw that out there before the meeting but in a casual way. Speaking for guys in general.... that is a turn-off as in setting up low expectations before the date begins.

As for the masters / 100k .... that is a red flag for most guys... like there is a price tag to date you. 100k is nothing in CA or NY... but in many states it is very unattainable in 95% of professions. But I completely get the fact you would not wish to date a fry cook who works the graveyard shift at Bob's Booze n Breakfast.

I have a masters+ but in my search criteria I listed some college. Many highly sought after professions only require a 2 yr or 4 yr degree. If there is no advantage (pay increase for masters and / or higher) to getting a higher degree, there is no incentive to do so.

I have a friend who is a teacher. He has won countless awards and is highly respected. BS degree.... makes $32k... eight years in teaching. Have another who is a "hands worker." Expert brick mason... dropped out of high school. Makes 150k. Very sharp with managing money, sharply dressed when away from work. They live in same city.

All I'm saying is... when you set high expectations... you rule out much potential. What I listed above are the main complaints I hear from guy 25 and up who are in the dating game.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
Chuck71 is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
New ex stalking me at online dating site...is this a thing? arandomlady Life After Divorce 13 08-25-2016 10:53 PM
Dating, sex, new relationship timing Begin again Life After Divorce 29 07-22-2016 02:05 PM
Concerned about dating and STDs Almost-Done Life After Divorce 36 05-01-2016 01:25 PM
How to start the D-Word Conversation unhappy2000 Considering Divorce or Separation 14 04-30-2016 11:35 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome