Why is the betrayer so angry at me?
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Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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Old 11-26-2011, 04:54 AM   #1 (permalink)
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 550
Default Why is the betrayer so angry at me?

I left my cookbook with all my recipes (it was a gift I have had for 30 years) when I moved out in my haste to leave the torture.

My daughter's boyfriend texted him yesterday:
Need cookbook need address need date, thanks

Short but to the point. Still haven't gotten an answer. He, also, said a couple of months ago that he didn't have some photos that were of my brother who died. He must have pitched them.

Why is he so angry when he was the one that betrayed me? Is it because I made the decision to divorce? Why do I even think of things still? I'm still fully recovered because I'm trying to understand why he is angry.

More time and I'm sick of this. I want it over.
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Old 11-26-2011, 07:23 AM   #2 (permalink)
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Michigan
Posts: 135
Default Re: Why is the betrayer so angry at me?

Ah, I totally understand your question, as I pondered how my husband could have done what he did to me. I think it's a matter of simple psychology.

When one has committed a crime against his partner, be it having an affair, stealing money, treating her badly etc., and does not genuinely regret it and work on making amends, he gradually begins to dislike that partner. This makes it easier for him to commit the next crime, and the next.

The more his bad acts pile up, the more he hates his partner. He is able to convince himself then that she "deserved" the bad treatment, and he begins to diminish her worth. This is how he justifies his horrible actions.

It snowballs from there, until in his eyes you finally become a non-entity, unworthy of any respect or kindness.

I've discussed this theory of mine with a couple of psychologists, and they tell me I've nailed it. It's sad, but true.
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Old 11-27-2011, 12:08 AM   #3 (permalink)
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 49
Default Re: Why is the betrayer so angry at me?

You can only truly hurt somebody if you hate that person. Love would stop a conscious mind from doing that.

The betrayer needs to build up the anger towards the loyal spouse in order to make the hurt possible, even though I believe that deep inside they know what they are doing is wrong. That generates guilt. The more guilt is there the more the betrayer has to nuild up hate for the other person in order to justify the wrong actions.

But that's just my way of thinking about it...
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Old 11-27-2011, 06:00 AM   #4 (permalink)
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Florida
Posts: 550
Default Re: Why is the betrayer so angry at me?

Hurt people hurt people. He was hurt, I was hurt, we both hurt each other.

Too stubborn, too many other things. Communication stopped. Escapism set in, he Pa'd, I divorced him.

No closure.

Working on forgiving him, me and moving forward.

Understanding my contribution, not liking it. But I didn't take the ultimate deal breaker action he did. Pain and hurt made him.

Shall I break NC (after months) and email him an explanation and apology? I don't know.
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