I feel like my life has fell apart - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 07:35 PM Thread Starter
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I feel like my life has fell apart

So new here but was searching around online and came across this site. I hope this makes sense as my mind is running rapidly.

Here's my story. I've been divorced about 2 years now after a 8 year marriage. She cheated on me emotionally multiple times during our marriage as well put me down a lot. No self confidence anymore. We finally called it quits and she took the kids (my step kids) and moved in with her mom. We kept talking and tried to have a friendship which actually turned into a sexual relationship. She suffers from major depression and when she moved in with her mom she started cutting herself. As far as us continuing a relationship goes that was my fault. I should have cut ties altogether but I didn't.

So let's fast forward 6 months. The divorce papers have been filed by this point. She texts me one day saying that she has started seeing a guy from a few states over that she met on a dating site. This of course puts me in a tailspin. However,she goes on to say that because he lives a few states over that they have an open relationship so we can continue seeing each other. To which I told her no. I'm not going to be the other man nor will I ever be the consolation prize.

A month goes by and we still talk occasionally. She texts me one day that her mom wants to move her on and off again boyfriend in and that her and the kids have to find a place to live. I sympathize but left the matter alone. She is seeing someone and it's not my problem anymore. Might sound mean but I'm trying to distance myself by this point.

A couple of weeks go by and she texts me that she's now engaged to this guy and they are getting a house together here...in this small town I live in. Seriously,she couldn't get a house out of town so that I wouldn't have to risk running into her when I'm out and about?

By the end of the month they are living together. So I blocked her number but I still talk to the kids on occasion. I love them and they me but feel like I need to let them go as well. Just seems kind of wrong at the same time being as that they aren't responsible for any of this. It's tricky..at least to me.

So since I'm already on a downward spiral I start gaining weight. I want to work out but can't get motivated to do so. I'm lonely but I can't date. I've tried getting in touch with some of my old friends that I lost while married but they have all pretty much moved on to new lives of their own. It's basically just me and my dog now.

To make matters worse,I found out that I have cancer shortly after. Right now my doctor doesn't see any reason to think it's going to shorten my life span as long as we can get rid of it. Even knowing that he doesn't think it's life threatening yet is stressful,depressing and quite frankly scared to death. Not to mention even with my crappy work insurance it's expensive as hell. I'm afraid to even try to figure out how to make new friends now though because what if this does turn life threatening? It doesn't seem fair to let other people care and possibly have to leave them. I'm probably worrying too much but I feel like I have to think about these things.

Even though I have all this other stuff I should be more concerned about I find myself every single day wondering how she moved on so easily. Not just moved on but got engaged and moved in with him and started a whole new life. He's doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing which sets me off in a rage at times and me well....I'm getting sh*t storm after sh*t storm dumped on me.

So I guess what I'm asking how is all of you got through and stopped letting your previous relationship eat at you so much and was just able to move on with your life?

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 07:51 PM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

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Originally Posted by Sallos View Post
So new here but was searching around online and came across this site. I hope this makes sense as my mind is running rapidly.

Here's my story. I've been divorced about 2 years now after a 8 year marriage. She cheated on me emotionally multiple times during our marriage as well put me down a lot. No self confidence anymore. We finally called it quits and she took the kids (my step kids) and moved in with her mom. We kept talking and tried to have a friendship which actually turned into a sexual relationship. She suffers from major depression and when she moved in with her mom she started cutting herself. As far as us continuing a relationship goes that was my fault. I should have cut ties altogether but I didn't.

So let's fast forward 6 months. The divorce papers have been filed by this point. She texts me one day saying that she has started seeing a guy from a few states over that she met on a dating site. This of course puts me in a tailspin. However,she goes on to say that because he lives a few states over that they have an open relationship so we can continue seeing each other. To which I told her no. I'm not going to be the other man nor will I ever be the consolation prize.

A month goes by and we still talk occasionally. She texts me one day that her mom wants to move her on and off again boyfriend in and that her and the kids have to find a place to live. I sympathize but left the matter alone. She is seeing someone and it's not my problem anymore. Might sound mean but I'm trying to distance myself by this point.

A couple of weeks go by and she texts me that she's now engaged to this guy and they are getting a house together here...in this small town I live in. Seriously,she couldn't get a house out of town so that I wouldn't have to risk running into her when I'm out and about?

By the end of the month they are living together. So I blocked her number but I still talk to the kids on occasion. I love them and they me but feel like I need to let them go as well. Just seems kind of wrong at the same time being as that they aren't responsible for any of this. It's tricky..at least to me.

So since I'm already on a downward spiral I start gaining weight. I want to work out but can't get motivated to do so. I'm lonely but I can't date. I've tried getting in touch with some of my old friends that I lost while married but they have all pretty much moved on to new lives of their own. It's basically just me and my dog now.

To make matters worse,I found out that I have cancer shortly after. Right now my doctor doesn't see any reason to think it's going to shorten my life span as long as we can get rid of it. Even knowing that he doesn't think it's life threatening yet is stressful,depressing and quite frankly scared to death. Not to mention even with my crappy work insurance it's expensive as hell. I'm afraid to even try to figure out how to make new friends now though because what if this does turn life threatening? It doesn't seem fair to let other people care and possibly have to leave them. I'm probably worrying too much but I feel like I have to think about these things.

Even though I have all this other stuff I should be more concerned about I find myself every single day wondering how she moved on so easily. Not just moved on but got engaged and moved in with him and started a whole new life. He's doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing which sets me off in a rage at times and me well....I'm getting sh*t storm after sh*t storm dumped on me.

So I guess what I'm asking how is all of you got through and stopped letting your previous relationship eat at you so much and was just able to move on with your life?
Because she doesn't love like you. I would bet she is merely being pragmatic....

1. She was lonely;y and horny..so she calls you and you provide sex and companionship
2. She needs a place to live with her kids when her mom tells her to move out.....she contacts you and drops the bait...You didn't take it (Good for you)
3. She tells you about the other guy...to make you jealous...it works. I bet she told the other guy too....Trying to get one of you to "rescue her"...He did...too bad for him.
4. She now moves near to you...why??? To make the other guy on edge as well as you...

Do you see how she made him the new you? You can pretty much predict how her new relationship is gonna go. That would be....Bad.

Take care of yourself. Get motivated. Stop letting her own and control how you feel. The opposite of love is indifference...be indifferent. If she calls....don't answer. If she texts...don't answer. Stop giving her the kibbles. Your out...you get to get on with your life. Enjoy it...

There are SOOOOOOOO many non-crazy, loyal, loving women out there that will treat you well.

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 09:14 PM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

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Originally Posted by Sallos View Post
So I guess what I'm asking how is all of you got through and stopped letting your previous relationship eat at you so much and was just able to move on with your life?
You need to go full blown NO CONTACT on this pariah. Block her phone number, email and social media.

I'm sorry about the kids, how old are they? Old enough to have cell phones?

Could you keep in contact with them without dealing with her? Maybe online?

This woman will try to manipulate you forever and you need to cut her out just like your cancer.

Not much of a difference between the two imo. Google "the 180" also for your sanity and implement it.

And get your ass to the gym. The motivation will come with results but for now treat it like a JOB.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 10:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

Hey guys thanks for the replies.

Her number is blocked. It's been blocked since she moved in with him. I've had zero contact with her although she did message me a few weeks ago on FB (shes not on my friends list) but I ignored and didn't reply.

The kids are 16 & 17 (till next month). We usually talk through text. It works out somewhat. They don't mention her to me unless they are just needing to vent about whatever is frustrating them. Their dad stepped out of their lives before the youngest was born. He only comes around every couple of years. Before me they had gotten used to guys coming and going out of their lives.

Right now. I'm just trying to get through these murky waters. I'll look up the 180 for sure. Thank you for that
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 10:49 PM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

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Originally Posted by Sallos View Post
So since I'm already on a downward spiral I start gaining weight. I want to work out but can't get motivated to do so. I'm lonely but I can't date. I've tried getting in touch with some of my old friends that I lost while married but they have all pretty much moved on to new lives of their own. It's basically just me and my dog now.
Look man, I hear ya. I am working on my second divorce. I am living at my mother's house and I am 40. I got 2 kids and both are kinda wacky. **** happens. A wise man once said, "It's not for you to determine what time you get, but what you do with the time you were given." This is your chance to take your life by the ****ing throat, tell it, I am the master of my own domain and get your **** together.

Workout. Do it. Stronglifts 5x5. It's 3 days a week, eases you in, makes you feel progress and you actually look forward to doing it.

Do something with your free time. Join a group. Do Yoga. Drive for Uber (amazingly it helped me a lot).

Laugh at yourself. Enjoy the ridiculousness of your life and do your best to own it rather than cry about it.

Don't sulk. That will do nothing but make you want to put a gun in your mouth. There will be tough times. There will be some times you just feel like you can't control it. You can. Life could always be worse. Think about the time you were given and compare it to the awfulness other people have lived in.
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 11:02 PM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

You live in a small town.

You have few [no?] friends.

You dread [fear] bumping into her and her new beau.

Your [apparent] depressive tendencies are likely triggered by your present location.

What place or location in your nation excites you the most? What is it about this place that you like?

Save your money........land a job there.......and move.......there!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 11:10 PM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

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Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
Look man, I hear ya. I am working on my second divorce. I am living at my mother's house and I am 40. I got 2 kids and both are kinda wacky. **** happens. A wise man once said, "It's not for you to determine what time you get, but what you do with the time you were given." This is your chance to take your life by the ****ing throat, tell it, I am the master of my own domain and get your **** together.

Workout. Do it. Stronglifts 5x5. It's 3 days a week, eases you in, makes you feel progress and you actually look forward to doing it.

Do something with your free time. Join a group. Do Yoga. Drive for Uber (amazingly it helped me a lot).

Laugh at yourself. Enjoy the ridiculousness of your life and do your best to own it rather than cry about it.

Don't sulk. That will do nothing but make you want to put a gun in your mouth. There will be tough times. There will be some times you just feel like you can't control it. You can. Life could always be worse. Think about the time you were given and compare it to the awfulness other people have lived in.
^^^^OP, If you only do one thing suggested on this thread............DO THIS

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 11:14 PM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

Cut your ex and her kids out of your life and concentrate on your health.

And don't worry about her new relationship -- she'll wind up running around on that guy as well.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 12:33 AM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

And don't waste time with the 180. You are well past the need for it. Just go dark on her and stay dark. Work out, eat nutritious foods and seek out new hobbies and adventures. Learn to live again....on your own.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 07:48 AM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

My only comment is this : NO ONE IS COMING TO SAVE YOU!

When you realize that no one is coming to save you and truly accept that your life is in your hands, your future is in your hands, your happiness is in your hands, you will round a corner and start to feel better. Focus on your self and stop focusing on others.

I went thru the same thing as you are. Most of us have. I am still learning what I want and what I don't want. It is a life long adventure, embrace it and enjoy it.


At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 11:12 AM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

My situation is different but I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. Everyone says, "focus on you" and they're right. But, how!?! How to function under the crippling weight of it all? Going to the gym and cooking healthy meals sounds great, but seem like insurmountable tasks.

Keeping a journal has been helpful for me. Make writing in it daily a small goal. Do it for a month, then go back and re-read it. You'll see yourself getting stronger even if you don't feel like you're back to your 100% self. Write scathing letters to your ex that you DO NOT send her...they're for you to release toxic emotions from your brain. Get them out. Don't feel like hitting the gym yet? Me either. Go for a walk everyday, it doesn't require a membership and you can do it anywhere. Small goals achieved can start turning into bigger goals achieved.

Books that have been helpful...

https://sushantdhamecha.files.wordpr...rd-carlson.pdf

http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvin...yawareness.pdf

Do this How to be THE LUCKIEST GUY ON THE PLANET in 4 Easy Steps
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 11:28 AM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

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Originally Posted by bojangles View Post
My situation is different but I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. Everyone says, "focus on you" and they're right. But, how!?! How to function under the crippling weight of it all? Going to the gym and cooking healthy meals sounds great, but seem like insurmountable tasks.

Keeping a journal has been helpful for me. Make writing in it daily a small goal. Do it for a month, then go back and re-read it. You'll see yourself getting stronger even if you don't feel like you're back to your 100% self. Write scathing letters to your ex that you DO NOT send her...they're for you to release toxic emotions from your brain. Get them out. Don't feel like hitting the gym yet? Me either. Go for a walk everyday, it doesn't require a membership and you can do it anywhere. Small goals achieved can start turning into bigger goals achieved.

Books that have been helpful...

https://sushantdhamecha.files.wordpr...rd-carlson.pdf

http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvin...yawareness.pdf

Do this How to be THE LUCKIEST GUY ON THE PLANET in 4 Easy Steps
The operative word is ACTION. Without action your thoughts are just dreams that will never come true. If you want something to happen act on it.
I struggled with this as well early on. But by taking small steps everyday (action!) I began to see I was moving away from the decimation and devastation and towards the reality that I want for myself. By no means am I remotely to the point I want to be, but I am a lot closer than I would have been had I sat around waiting for some one to come and save me.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 11:56 AM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

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So I guess what I'm asking how is all of you got through and stopped letting your previous relationship eat at you so much and was just able to move on with your life?
I got through it by cutting ties with my ex completely. For the first few years we spoke- but only about the kids and now we rarely speak and if we do, it's again, only about the kids.

By maintaining the connection you're making things indescribably worse for yourself, but you already know this.
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 02:06 PM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

She is clearly unstable, I mean who gets engaged before their divorce is final?? Unstable people who cant take care of themselves and don't value themselves, that's who! She is incapable of being on her own and has no self esteem, so feels the need to constantly pursue someone new to take care of her. She did you a favor by moving on, and that is what YOU need to do. This wasn't anything you did, this is her being a basket case.

I'm very sorry about your diagnosis. Focus on recovery and getting healthy.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

http://goodmenproject.com/featured-c...ionships-fiff/
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 10-26-2016, 04:11 PM
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Re: I feel like my life has fell apart

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Look man, I hear ya. I am working on my second divorce. I am living at my mother's house and I am 40. I got 2 kids and both are kinda wacky. **** happens. A wise man once said, "It's not for you to determine what time you get, but what you do with the time you were given." This is your chance to take your life by the ****ing throat, tell it, I am the master of my own domain and get your **** together.



Workout. Do it. Stronglifts 5x5. It's 3 days a week, eases you in, makes you feel progress and you actually look forward to doing it.



Do something with your free time. Join a group. Do Yoga. Drive for Uber (amazingly it helped me a lot).



Laugh at yourself. Enjoy the ridiculousness of your life and do your best to own it rather than cry about it.



Don't sulk. That will do nothing but make you want to put a gun in your mouth. There will be tough times. There will be some times you just feel like you can't control it. You can. Life could always be worse. Think about the time you were given and compare it to the awfulness other people have lived in.


Great advice



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