Life After Divorce - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #46 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:15 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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I don't see his posts as being insulting to those who have been through the pain, suffering, and life changing consequences of divorce.

If anything, seeing how miserable he continues to be in his marriage is validating for those of us who HAVE taken the plunge and dissolved our marriage while accepting the huge changes in our lives, which are almost always for the better.

I welcome @jb02157 contributions to this thread, I think they're very relevant because it helps put things into perspective.
Thanks Browser. I don't know whether I would agree taking the divorce plunge is almost always for the better. I've seen and lived through plenty of times it wasn't. If finances weren't involved as unfairly as they are then it would be worthwhile.


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #47 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:23 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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So you think I'm trolling this form?? I'd watch what you say as far as inaccurate information. You say I troll internet forums. This is the only forum I have ever posted in. Also, I'm not talking about losing a couple material things or a couple bucks, I'm talking about survival purely and simply. I have seen many of my friends go from being in a stable financial situation to, at the whim of their wives wanting a divorce, being hard pressed to find a dirty apartment to live in while being stripped from any contact with their kids. This IS real life whether you want to believe it or not as insulting as it may or may not be. These friends of mine didn't have a choice either, their lives were turned upside down by a decision someone else made who didn't give a damn about them. These people are also suffering and recovering from a divorce to. Shouldn't this perspective be heard? I'm sorry if this situation doesn't apply to you but I definitely think that applies to many on this site.
Yeah, you see, this is where you are wrong. Because it did happen to me. I lost everything I owned - my home, my business, my family, my friends, my life. And you know what else, quite frankly I find it insulting to see you make post after post about "woe is me, I have too much to loose!" If you aren't going to do something about your miserable life, then stop whining about how your hands are ties - because you are the one who tied them. It is almost like going on a forum about poverty and whining because you don't know whether or not to order the filet because it might be overcooked. You are no different than all the people who post stories in other forums, where they tell their story of disfunction, neglect, and abandonment but will do anything to save their marriage. Do you know what happens to them? They get a 2x4 upside the head telling them to wake up! So either wake up and take charge of life. I mean really take charge or continue to give half of everything you have to wife along in addition to your happiness.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #48 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:24 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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So you think I'm trolling this form?? I'd watch what you say as far as inaccurate information. You say I troll internet forums. This is the only forum I have ever posted in. Also, I'm not talking about losing a couple material things or a couple bucks, I'm talking about survival purely and simply. I have seen many of my friends go from being in a stable financial situation to, at the whim of their wives wanting a divorce, being hard pressed to find a dirty apartment to live in while being stripped from any contact with their kids. This IS real life whether you want to believe it or not as insulting as it may or may not be. These friends of mine didn't have a choice either, their lives were turned upside down by a decision someone else made who didn't give a damn about them. These people are also suffering and recovering from a divorce to. Shouldn't this perspective be heard? I'm sorry if this situation doesn't apply to you but I definitely think that applies to many on this site.
I'm 9 years out from my divorce, so I don't get insulted or offended easily about the topic. I do think you have a point in some cases, because I have seen it happen.

I noticed in your earlier post that you seemed to generalize a bit in terms of gender, though. In my case, I ended up worse off financially than my ex-H did, because my income was higher and I ended up paying him. I really think it is less to do about gender and more about who has been the primary provider.

I think it's just disturbing to some people to think that someone would choose to live their life in an emotionally unhappy situation rather than let go of material things. If it's truly a matter of survival, that's different. And it's certainly a matter of choice.

I don't want to speak for Ynot, but I suspect that it is hard for some people to realize that you DO get a choice and that you chose to stay, yet also seem to wish you were divorced. Many people don't get a choice in the matter, and they end up losing not only their partner and in some cases their children, and many of their material things as well. And then they have no choice but to make the best of it and build a new life. I can relate to that as well.

Those are just my objective thoughts, if it helps.
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post #49 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:36 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Afraid to make a change that will put me in the poor house, yes. I've worked to hard for that so that's not an option for me. I'm not going to give everything to my wife who did absolutely nothing in the marriage to contribute to it, she only took away. So if I had a choice of either the poor house or staying in an emotionally horrible situation, I'll choose the latter. For women it's different, they will always have someone who's forced to give them money whether they work or not. Men don't have that luxury.

Seriously?? This is pure ignorance! I have struggled my entire adult life to make ends meet after getting divorced, and I don't live anywhere near a luxury lifestyle! My ex H paid child support but BARELY. The amount was so small it didn't make much difference for me. Plus he never ever helped with other expenses for her as was spelled out in our agreement, which was made because I was helping HIM out by taking less support! In fact, I know of WAY more women who ended up getting financially screwed over in divorce than men by a long shot! How dare you generalize like this, especially when you don't have the balls to end your own miserable marriage because you want to hang onto your money instead! EVERY SINGLE DIVORCE is unique and different, no one gets exactly the same settlement, and to think otherwise is just ignorance.

I may struggle financially, but I don't live with a miserable controlling PA d!ckhead any more! I have my own home and my own life, which I live on MY terms and no one else's! This post insults the crap out of me!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.

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post #50 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:37 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Also, I'm not talking about losing a couple material things or a couple bucks, I'm talking about survival purely and simply. I have seen many of my friends go from being in a stable financial situation to, at the whim of their wives wanting a divorce, being hard pressed to find a dirty apartment to live in while being stripped from any contact with their kids. This IS real life whether you want to believe it or not as insulting as it may or may not be. These friends of mine didn't have a choice either, their lives were turned upside down by a decision someone else made who didn't give a damn about them. These people are also suffering and recovering from a divorce to. Shouldn't this perspective be heard? I'm sorry if this situation doesn't apply to you but I definitely think that applies to many on this site.
Life is about choices. Your friends most likely chose to ignore the signs that their spouse was unhappy in the relationship. By the time they were served for divorce, they were so far behind the 8 ball in planning & emotion they most likely capitulated instead of fighting.

Here is a novel idea - Why not plan for and execute a divorce on your terms? Research the internet, interview a few competent attorneys, and determine your goals. Then develop and execute a plan to achieve your goals. Contrary to your belief, it is not the whim of the wife that causes your friends to lose everything. It was their wife's execution of a good divorce plan.

There are forums dedicated to divorcing from a man's point of view that could give you some excellent advice on how to succeed. Sure it may cost you some cash, but not as much as getting blindsided by a prepared spouse who is 10 steps ahead of you in the divorce process.
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post #51 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:48 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Originally Posted by Hope Shimmers View Post

I think it's just disturbing to some people to think that someone would choose to live their life in an emotionally unhappy situation rather than let go of material things. If it's truly a matter of survival, that's different. And it's certainly a matter of choice.

I don't want to speak for Ynot, but I suspect that it is hard for some people to realize that you DO get a choice and that you chose to stay, yet also seem to wish you were divorced. Many people don't get a choice in the matter, and they end up losing not only their partner and in some cases their children, and many of their material things as well. And then they have no choice but to make the best of it and build a new life. I can relate to that as well.

Those are just my objective thoughts, if it helps.
The way I look at it I don't get a choice. Living like a bum well under the poverty line isn't an option for me. You lose more than a few bucks. I've tried and tried to explain that on this forum. I've been to lawyers before many times and they all say the same thing, that I would lose probably 60% to 70% of my income. I would not be able to afford rent in the worst part of town on that.

I don't know how this comes across as offensive. It's real life.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #52 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:53 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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The way I look at it I don't get a choice. Living like a bum well under the poverty line isn't an option for me. You lose more than a few bucks. I've tried and tried to explain that on this forum. I've been to lawyers before many times and they all say the same thing, that I would lose probably 60% to 70% of my income. I would not be able to afford rent in the worst part of town on that.

I don't know how this comes across as offensive. It's real life.
Well, I tried to explain to you (nicely) why some people might take offense. Lots of people lose 60-70% of their income as a result of divorce - or even more. I did.

You don't need to "try and try to explain anything" on this forum. It's your life and your decision. I think, though, that you should then accept that you chose to remain married so you ARE married and there is no "Life After Divorce" in your future. I suspect that is why people take offense.
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post #53 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Seriously?? This is pure ignorance! I have struggled my entire adult life to make ends meet after getting divorced, and I don't live anywhere near a luxury lifestyle! My ex H paid child support but BARELY. The amount was so small it didn't make much difference for me. Plus he never ever helped with other expenses for her as was spelled out in our agreement, which was made because I was helping HIM out by taking less support! In fact, I know of WAY more women who ended up getting financially screwed over in divorce than men by a long shot! How dare you generalize like this, especially when you don't have the balls to end your own miserable marriage because you want to hang onto your money instead! EVERY SINGLE DIVORCE is unique and different, no one gets exactly the same settlement, and to think otherwise is just ignorance.

I may struggle financially, but I don't live with a miserable controlling PA d!ckhead any more! I have my own home and my own life, which I live on MY terms and no one else's! This post insults the crap out of me!
I to struggle to make ends meet WITHOUT being divorced. Every lawyer I have gone to told me that because I'm male, I would lose more in a divorce. As with anything else there are exceptions but for the most part men lose more. This is NOT me saying this. Lawyers told me this. It's not about hanging on to a couple of bucks, it's about survival. I could NOT afford a home of my own if I were divorced, nor would I be able to live life on my own terms. If I had your situation, financially struggling but able to afford my own home and live on my terms, I'd file tomorrow.

I'm tired of having to defend myself like this, I'm merely sharing information giving to me by lawyers. I'm sorry if it offends you, but what you are saying offends me. You imply that I COULD afford a house if I were divorced and I assure you I could not.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #54 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 02:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Yeah, you see, this is where you are wrong. Because it did happen to me. I lost everything I owned
I don't think he needs a 2x4, I think he's well aware of his situation and what he has to lose.

So what you traded it all in for freedom.

He prefers not to do that. As do MANY people who stay in bad marriages simply due to finances.

It's called "disagreeing with a course of action" and it does not justify name calling or so called "2x4s" although I too am guilty of supplying such 2x4's for clueless posters who are walking into certain disaster. @jb02157 is NOT one of them.
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post #55 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:01 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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You imply that I COULD afford a house if I were divorced and I assure you I could not.
You could move to a location where you COULD afford a house.

Life is choices.

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I don't think he needs a 2x4, I think he's well aware of his situation and what he has to lose.

So what you traded it all in for freedom.

He prefers not to do that. As do MANY people who stay in bad marriages simply due to finances.

It's called "disagreeing with a course of action" and it does not justify name calling or so called "2x4s" although I too am guilty of supplying such 2x4's for clueless posters who are walking into certain disaster. @jb02157 is NOT one of them.
That's all fine and good, and I agree. I would also say to jb02157, then quitcherb!tchin. You made your choice, live with it and be happy about it. You don't have a life after divorce, because you chose not to divorce.

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post #56 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:19 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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You made your choice, live with it and be happy about it. You don't have a life after divorce, because you chose not to divorce.
#Truth
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post #57 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:24 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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You could move to a location where you COULD afford a house.

Life is choices.



That's all fine and good, and I agree. I would also say to jb02157, then quitcherb!tchin. You made your choice, live with it and be happy about it. You don't have a life after divorce, because you chose not to divorce.
Right, but the point I'm trying make is that it shouldn't have to be this way. Anyone whether man or woman should have the right to walk away from a marriage and not have to withstand a multitude of financial woes afterward.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #58 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:32 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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I don't think he needs a 2x4, I think he's well aware of his situation and what he has to lose.
The time I needed the 2x4 is when I decided to marry my wife.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #59 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:39 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Right, but the point I'm trying make is that it shouldn't have to be this way. Anyone whether man or woman should have the right to walk away from a marriage and not have to withstand a multitude of financial woes afterward.
Well, wouldn't THAT be nice. And while we're at it, can we ask for world peace too?

See my other post when I said that I pay half of my kids' college expenses to the tune of $50,000 one year. On top of their monthly expenses. And I pay all of my teenage daughter's expenses since she lives with me full time. I decided not to go back to court to fight over money anymore.
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post #60 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Right, but the point I'm trying make is that it shouldn't have to be this way. Anyone whether man or woman should have the right to walk away from a marriage and not have to withstand a multitude of financial woes afterward.
To say things "shouldn't" be a certain way is rather pointless because well, they ARE that way and they aint gonna change, [edited to amend and add the term "anytime soon"] and you need to deal with the cards you were dealt- not complain about how unfair it is because that is what is known as the "victim mentality" and it won't work for you.

Truth is the laws regarding marriage and divorce have been on the books for a long time, and although they've changed over the years, they're still there and can be read by anyone with the ability to search the internet or pay a visit to their local library or courthouse.

We choose to marry regardless of the large risk and small benefit ratio and when it all goes south we tend to blame the courts, and the laws, and go on about how unfair it is but the truth is we only have ourselves to blame. We chose the wrong person to trust with our lives and the only person to point the finger at is the person in the mirror.

Last edited by browser; 11-30-2016 at 04:08 PM.
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