Life After Divorce - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #61 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 04:02 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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To say things "shouldn't" be a certain way is rather pointless because well, they ARE that way and they aint gonna change
Oh yes it can, laws change everyday. It's my hope that one day the divorce laws will change making them halfway fair. Some men's rights attorneys I've been talking to say that some states have proposals on the floor now to that effect. Before anyone asks, I do not have a website or link to back that up.


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #62 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 04:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Oh yes it can, laws change everyday. It's my hope that one day the divorce laws will change making them halfway fair. Some men's rights attorneys I've been talking to say that some states have proposals on the floor now to that effect. Before anyone asks, I do not have a website or link to back that up.
There are always new proposed laws on the books, there are men's rights movements in most states and huge gains have been made, especially in Massachussets with the recent abolishment of lifetime alimony but most of the changes will only help people who file for divorce AFTER the new law comes out.

You're planning on sticking around and waiting for the laws in your state to change in your favor? If so I suggest you join a father's rights movement in your state and start participating.
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post #63 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 04:24 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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I don't think he needs a 2x4, I think he's well aware of his situation and what he has to lose.

So what you traded it all in for freedom.

He prefers not to do that. As do MANY people who stay in bad marriages simply due to finances.

It's called "disagreeing with a course of action" and it does not justify name calling or so called "2x4s" although I too am guilty of supplying such 2x4's for clueless posters who are walking into certain disaster. @jb02157 is NOT one of them.
I am so glad you get to be the arbiter of who gets a 2x4 and who doesn't. How did the world revolve before you came along?
As other have said, there is nothing wrong with choosing to throw your happiness away, people do it all the time, except this guy is posting in Life AFTER Divorce and since he doesn't have the balls to take the hit and instead chooses to continually whine about loosing some material possessions, he doesn't have a life after divorce.
But again, I am glad you are the arbiter of truth. Because our buddy IS living in a world of certain disaster. Maybe nobody has pointed out to him that not only is he already giving up more than half his income, but he is also giving up all of his happiness. Of course with enablers making excuses for him who needs the truth?

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post #64 of 92 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 05:04 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Life After Divorce

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I am so glad you get to be the arbiter of who gets a 2x4 and who doesn't. How did the world revolve before you came along?
As other have said, there is nothing wrong with choosing to throw your happiness away, people do it all the time, except this guy is posting in Life AFTER Divorce and since he doesn't have the balls to take the hit and instead chooses to continually whine about loosing some material possessions, he doesn't have a life after divorce.
But again, I am glad you are the arbiter of truth. Because our buddy IS living in a world of certain disaster. Maybe nobody has pointed out to him that not only is he already giving up more than half his income, but he is also giving up all of his happiness. Of course with enablers making excuses for him who needs the truth?
Are you hitting me with a 2x4?
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post #65 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 10:54 AM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Right, but the point I'm trying make is that it shouldn't have to be this way. Anyone whether man or woman should have the right to walk away from a marriage and not have to withstand a multitude of financial woes afterward.
Is the issue alimony? Child support?

I stayed for many years in my marriage due to financial concerns. At one point I considered moving into a mobile home. Things haven't turned out nearly that bad, but I still don't see a way to retire at 65. I'll be working until I'm unable. This isn't at all the financial outcome I'd planned on and worked for over the last 35 years. But it is what it is, and I have to agree with the commonly stated sentiment that after getting out it does seem worth the trade off in improved emotional health.

Also, an observation from my employment experiences, when I was laid off (three times by two different employers) things looked pretty bleak. And, during those times it was extremely difficult to think of creative solutions. The stress made it hard to get started on finding something new, as well as making it hard to think broadly of solutions. I know that I was not optimistic at those times, and not optimistic about divorce for many years. But somehow things are working out.

All that to say there may be solutions which are not ideal and maybe not even very good, but which are in fact possible. Try to find those possibles, then see how they can be achieved and how they might even be improved upon. See if there is some hope there. And then you can decide if it is worth the tradeoff of getting your happiness back.

Alternatively, perhaps agreeing with your wife on a practical arrangement of an open marriage is the answer. If she isn't happy, perhaps the solution is for a practical financial arrangement where you stay married but you are both free to have your own lives in every way including relationships.

Last edited by Thor; 12-01-2016 at 11:14 AM.
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post #66 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-03-2016, 09:48 AM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Is the issue alimony? Child support?

I stayed for many years in my marriage due to financial concerns. At one point I considered moving into a mobile home. Things haven't turned out nearly that bad, but I still don't see a way to retire at 65. I'll be working until I'm unable. This isn't at all the financial outcome I'd planned on and worked for over the last 35 years. But it is what it is, and I have to agree with the commonly stated sentiment that after getting out it does seem worth the trade off in improved emotional health.

Also, an observation from my employment experiences, when I was laid off (three times by two different employers) things looked pretty bleak. And, during those times it was extremely difficult to think of creative solutions. The stress made it hard to get started on finding something new, as well as making it hard to think broadly of solutions. I know that I was not optimistic at those times, and not optimistic about divorce for many years. But somehow things are working out.

All that to say there may be solutions which are not ideal and maybe not even very good, but which are in fact possible. Try to find those possibles, then see how they can be achieved and how they might even be improved upon. See if there is some hope there. And then you can decide if it is worth the tradeoff of getting your happiness back.

Alternatively, perhaps agreeing with your wife on a practical arrangement of an open marriage is the answer. If she isn't happy, perhaps the solution is for a practical financial arrangement where you stay married but you are both free to have your own lives in every way including relationships.
Save your key strokes. JB doesn't want to take advise. This has been going on for the past 2.5 years:

I Don't Know What to do Next

He has been given all sorts of advise in that time. He would rather play the "woe is me" card and blame the system or his wife than take responsibility for his own happiness. I think he is just paralyzed by his fear of the unknown. Unfortunately, he has been able to find enablers who pander to that fear, perhaps because they too share that fear.

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post #67 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 05:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Life After Divorce

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JB doesn't want to take advise. He would rather play the "woe is me" card and blame the system or his wife than take responsibility for his own happiness. I think he is just paralyzed by his fear of the unknown.
No, he's aware of what would happen to him in a divorce, he knows it's going to be a disaster, he'll lose contact with his kids and he won't be able to afford to live on his own.

He said it in the very thread you quoted.

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I'll tell why I'm still in this marriage. I was told over and over again if I got divorced I would not be able to see the kids unless I was able to afford a house for her (doesn't work, sits around all day doing nothing) and the kids and a dwelling for me that had separate bedrooms for EACH of them. Now that the kids are getting to be college age, any money I could put toward getting divorced has to go toward tuition.
It's not fear of the unknown, it's a reasonable reaction to what he KNOWS will happen.
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post #68 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 05:40 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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No, he's aware of what would happen to him in a divorce, he knows it's going to be a disaster, he'll lose contact with his kids and he won't be able to afford to live on his own.

He said it in the very thread you quoted.



It's not fear of the unknown, it's a reasonable reaction to what he KNOWS will happen.
No, it is fear of the unknown. He just claims this is what he has been told. By whom? We don't have a clue. He also claims an attorney would not take his case, which is utter rubbish. Or maybe not, but so far it was ONE attorney. Look, he is already giving away half of his income (or more) to support a woman (who he claims has never worked) in addition to giving her ALL of his happiness. If you think this is reasonable, by all mean who am I stop you. Keep being an enabler. As for me, I think he is acting foolishly. If he is so miserable but won't lift a finger to do anything about it, well his actions speak louder than words.

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post #69 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 05:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Life After Divorce

Ok that's fair.

I went back to JBs post and reread it and there are a few things that don't make sense.

For example "The attorney would not represent him because the attorney knows he would be financially ruined in a divorce".

What divorce attorney gives a crap about the potential financial outcome of a case for a client before deciding whether or not to take the case.

Each child needs a separate bedroom in order for them to stay overnite?

@jb02157 I'm sort of on your side here but those two points need further clarification. If you can supply the name of your state or pm it to me I can easily look up whether or not theres any truth to the questionable "one bedroom per child" rule. As far as the attorney not taking your case, that one defies explanation I can't understand why you'd say such a ridiculous thing.
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post #70 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 03:14 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Ok that's fair.

I went back to JBs post and reread it and there are a few things that don't make sense.

For example "The attorney would not represent him because the attorney knows he would be financially ruined in a divorce".

What divorce attorney gives a crap about the potential financial outcome of a case for a client before deciding whether or not to take the case.

Each child needs a separate bedroom in order for them to stay overnite?

@jb02157 I'm sort of on your side here but those two points need further clarification. If you can supply the name of your state or pm it to me I can easily look up whether or not theres any truth to the questionable "one bedroom per child" rule. As far as the attorney not taking your case, that one defies explanation I can't understand why you'd say such a ridiculous thing.
There was a Men's Right's Attorney in Chicago I went to see a long time ago that advertised heavily in the Chicago Tribune in the 90's. I don't remember the name of the firm. I told him my situation and he said "I won't take your case because you would be financially ruined if I did." Obviously this particular attorney does give a crap about the financial outcome of his clients. This is not a ridiculous BS statement I came up with however it's something you wouldn't expect. If this guy would have been your average divorce attorney, I would have started divorce proceedings and filed. That is what I was there to do. I have remembered that moment and have taken that advice. From I have seen and read, he's right I would have been ruined. That's why I won't file. The kids would not have have been able to go to college because she would spend all the money on herself. She's even said that she would do that.


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #71 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 03:24 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

Wow about TWENTY years ago you went to see a men's rights attorney! Not recently and not even a divorce attorney? Guess what, a lot has changed in 20 years and DIVORCE attorneys know it. In the meantime, any children you may had at that time (even assuming it was 1999) would now be almost 18 years old. Just admit you would rather live on your knees that die on feet.

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post #72 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 03:35 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Wow about TWENTY years ago you went to see a men's rights attorney! Not recently and not even a divorce attorney? Guess what, a lot has changed in 20 years and DIVORCE attorneys know it. In the meantime, any children you may had at that time (even assuming it was 1999) would now be almost 18 years old. Just admit you would rather live on your knees that die on feet.
Yeah things have changed, they've gotten worse. Even if I get divorced now I would lose practically everything. No thanks.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #73 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 03:47 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Yeah things have changed, they've gotten worse. Even if I get divorced now I would lose practically everything. No thanks.
Cool! You value your "things" more than your own happiness. But tell me, did you recently channel this "well known men's rights attorney who advertised in the Chicago Tribune back in the 90's" or do you have some actual recent information to go on. Your story becomes more unbelievable with each post you make.
You do realize that it doesn't do any good to have "things" if you can't enjoy them because you are miserable, or maybe you don't. Go work on your marriage, because at this point it is the only choice you will allow yourself. Oops, my bad, I guess you can remain miserable but have your "stuff" (which you already share with your parasitic SAHM who contributes NOTHING to your life)

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post #74 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 04:05 PM
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Re: Life After Divorce

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Cool! You value your "things" more than your own happiness. But tell me, did you recently channel this "well known men's rights attorney who advertised in the Chicago Tribune back in the 90's" or do you have some actual recent information to go on. Your story becomes more unbelievable with each post you make.
You do realize that it doesn't do any good to have "things" if you can't enjoy them because you are miserable, or maybe you don't. Go work on your marriage, because at this point it is the only choice you will allow yourself. Oops, my bad, I guess you can remain miserable but have your "stuff" (which you already share with your parasitic SAHM who contributes NOTHING to your life)
Fine, you definitely are not going to see things the way I do and that's fine. I'm not going to waste anymore of my time trying to explain them to you. To me a life being financially paralyzed isn't worthwhile and not an option. Not helping the kids through school is not an option. Giving her 70% of everything and let her spend it all on herself is not an option. A life without financial independence to me would not be happy. Of course you don't understand that. I'm not sure what else to say. If you think what I say is a bunch of bull****, fine. Your posts to other people are much more constructive that what you say here.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #75 of 92 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 01:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Life After Divorce

If I was you I'd get a second opinion.

Not getting why she'd be entitled to more than half of the marital assets.

Most states don't require child support past 18 so you're probably good there.

You might have to pay some support but that's a very state specific thing as well and the trend in the past 20 years has been less spousal support for shorter durations. Although you're in a long term marriage so that may work against you big time.

You might lose half your assets but you won't be paying for her anymore.

Might not be as bad as you think.
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