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Life After Divorce

10K views 91 replies 21 participants last post by  Hope Shimmers 
#1 ·
Hello TAM members.

I am rapidly nearing the date of my last child support payment and with that last payment I can finally close the chapter on a part of my life that no one wants to ever experience in their lifetime but unfortunately many of us do.

My divorce started about 10 years ago and it took several years and a good part of our marital assets to pay attorneys fees and resulted in estrangement from my children which I have only partially repaired over the years, it's a work in progress.

When things first started I thought my life was over, I went from a comfortable home in a nice neighborhood with a loving wife and 2 great kids, to suddenly being alone and having to adjust to a life that was similar to the one I lived when I was right out of college- suddenly single and having to do everything from grocery shopping to laundry while trying to continue to earn a living, with much of that income funneled towards my exwife and children all of whom suddenly wanted nothing to do with me.

I was on forums such as this one, and received great advice and support and now I am here to pay it back and share my experiences with others and give support and advice based on my own personal experiences.
 
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#4 ·
I've got two kids, both of whom stopped talking to me during the divorce when my exwife used standard alienating tactics to turn them away from me.

In the past few years my youngest has resumed contact with me and although she doesn't live locally we have visited each other on occasion so things are back on track for the most part although the relationship is not what it once was, but then again she's grown up now and things can't be the same. I hope for continued improvement.

My eldest didn't speak to me for a few years during the divorce but ultimately we resumed contact but it was rocky, lots of damage done, then she made some very bad life choices and I was very opposed to some of her decisions including having children while she was still a teenager and dropping out of college in order to do so and she took issue with my lack of supportiveness and finally told me she just didn't want to hear my negativity anymore and started refusing contact about a year ago. In hindsight I should have kept my mouth shut because she wasn't going to listen to me anyway.
 
#11 ·
she made some very bad life choices and I was very opposed to some of her decisions including having children while she was still a teenager and dropping out of college in order to do so and she took issue with my lack of supportiveness and finally told me she just didn't want to hear my negativity anymore and started refusing contact about a year ago. In hindsight I should have kept my mouth shut because she wasn't going to listen to me anyway.
I'd of done the same thing. Are you supposed to pat her on her back while she throws her life away?!?

You're her parent not her "buddy" which is apparently the norm these days. Don't beat yourself up about it.

I think I'll have a party. The ex will not be invited.
You got it all wrong.... She should be the guest of honor! A big thank you for giving you enough cause to get away from her.
 
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#5 ·
You say laundry and grocery shopping like its a bad thing! seriously I don't mind doing those things and I save a ton by not have a wasteful self absorbed uncaring person doing the shopping anymore.

I have one more alimony check and then a few years of CS. However I may take her back to court since I now have one child living with me full time.

I cant wait to be rid of her in all aspects.
 
#6 ·
I don't mind doing laundry and grocery shopping but at first it was sort of a reality check, after having a woman to do it for so many years.

At one point after the divorce was final I had custody of my daughter (it was shortlasting unfortunately then things went south again) but during that period I got the child support eliminated, if you've got custody then go get what is rightfully yours.

I recall when first the child support decreased because my eldest was emancipated then the alimony stopped and now we're approaching the finish line. I think I'll have a party. The ex will not be invited.
 
#10 ·
Browser..... when I came to LaD almost four years ago, they handed out t-shirts and fine Scotch. Check with Ele about that. I recall my intentions were to come aboard TAM, get advice, read similar threads and post a thank you letter after it was all said and done. Then I started posting on threads and really wanted to know... how things were to turn out. About the time those threads are wrapping up, you find a few others, then..... then.....

I don't trigger any from reading threads similar to mine, some do... and some stop posting because of that. Just pay it forward.... that was my concluding sentence on my first LaD post in Feb. '13.
 
#13 ·
I want to ask if it was really worth it. I've been contemplating divorce for years and and I haven't just because I didn't want all the ill effects that you mention, the all of the sudden being alone and having to funnel all of my money toward people who want nothing to do with me. I've worked damned hard to get to where I am in life and I don't want to throw it all away to people who don't give damn about me. Life has been hell with my wife but I'm wondering if it would be worse to get divorced.
 
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#15 ·
It was worth it because the anxiety I was experiencing from the relationship was literally tearing me apart. No doubt it would have led to health issues down the line. The relationship I'm in now is so much better it's beyond comparison.

My divorce was very expensive especially with the support payments but at the rate my exwife was spending she most likely would have cost even more than the divorce did.

As far as funneling money towards people who want nothing to do with you.. well the reason you're here is because they want nothing to do with you already, and you're supporting them either way. At least with a divorce there's an endpoint far sooner than the rest of your natural life.

As far as being alone? I've never been without a girlfriend for any length of time. If you're an ok looking guy who has got a few bucks and no major psychological disorders you'll meet women.
 
#14 ·
Ever heard the old saying.. "why is divorce so expensive? Because its worth it!!" ? Truer words were never spoken.

What "people" are you referring to about funneling your money? Your kids?? I hope not! The only other person getting any money might be your ex wife, but that all depends on the laws in your area.
 
#21 ·
Today I found out an interesting bit of news through the "family and friends" grapevine. As I stated I'm down to my last few child support payments.

My exwife has an older daughter who has been funneling her money at an ever increasing rate over the past few months- her financial situation is apparently quite dire and she's having trouble making her rent. And this is with the support checks still coming in. Of course my children see almost none of it but that's another matter altogether. She has chosen not to pursue gainful employment and it's caught up to her at last. If we had stayed married her spending habits probably would have bankrupted us. Now I can watch the crash and burn from a safe distance. Well worth what the divorce cost me!
 
#22 ·
Old habits..... hard to break
 
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#24 ·
Check out Conrad's old threads.... they're old but very true
 
#25 · (Edited)
I separated January 13th. Divorce was final June 10th. Last week she refinanced the house and her auto loan. I'm off the hook for $2500/m in debt! I have to pay her $480m in CS and 50% of her nanny (another $500m).

Divorce for me was worth every penny I lost. Funny, I'm going to get engaged to my g/f of 9 months soon and will get married again. If things turn bad, I'll divorce again. Life is journey. Life is way better with another person that loves you as much as you love them.
 
#30 ·
Used to be... you had kids when you were 18-24. By the time they were grown or at least old

enough to choose where to stay, you were still young enough to "start over" at 36-42.

Today.... people are having kids about ten years later. The D rate is always high in the 38-44 range,

just like before. The difference is.... the kids are a lot younger. The children are used as pawns,

intentionally or unintentionally. Then comes the CS.... the alimony (not as bad as before), maintenance

in general, losing the house, alienating the kids. THAT's why some stick it out until the kids

are grown. I see this all the time on this board. Every now and then you read about a D where

the W is the bread winner and she gets taken to the cleaners. Maybe if this happens enough, laws

will be changed. As jb02 is saying.... he can be utterly miserable but be with his kids and maintain

a nice standard of living, or be lonely, broke (a D man with little cash is not attractive to many

females), see kids 50% if he is lucky or in many cases... alienated from them.
 
#31 ·
Funnel all of "your" money? Sorry, but if you made that money while married, it is equally HER money. So yeah, you will funnel half of it to her.

So you have worked damn hard to get to where you are in life. Did she work hard too? What did she do? Did she work? Was she a SAHM? Certainly she did something to contribute to the marriage. Your words and tone insinuate that you are the only one who did anything and you are the only one who should get the credit and rewards.

IME men are just afraid to be alone. That's what it boils down to. Many women tend to be way less so, as long as they have the resources to take care of themselves/their kids - and many women will move hell and earth to find a way to do that. Many men, on the other hand, are afraid of change and afraid of being independent. They would rather stay in an emotionally horrible situation than take a chance that things could be better. (Because hey! They could also be worse! And that is scary). So they are locked in place and too afraid to step out of the comfort zone, however much they hate their current life.

I'll never understand it. Like YNot said, material things are just materials things. Hardly worth giving up your personal/emotional/relationship happiness for material things that can be replaced. So I really don't think that's your real issue. Your real issue is that you are afraid to make a change. It's your choice, but then IMO you don't get to complain about where you are in life. Only you can change it. Life is choices.
Afraid to make a change that will put me in the poor house, yes. I've worked to hard for that so that's not an option for me. I'm not going to give everything to my wife who did absolutely nothing in the marriage to contribute to it, she only took away. So if I had a choice of either the poor house or staying in an emotionally horrible situation, I'll choose the latter. For women it's different, they will always have someone who's forced to give them money whether they work or not. Men don't have that luxury.
 
#32 ·
For women it's different, they will always have someone who's forced to give them money whether they work or not. Men don't have that luxury.
It's not that gender specific. I've known at least two women who worked their asses off their entire life and when they got divorced their parasitic exhusbands got more than their fair share.
 
#69 ·
Ok that's fair.

I went back to JBs post and reread it and there are a few things that don't make sense.

For example "The attorney would not represent him because the attorney knows he would be financially ruined in a divorce".

What divorce attorney gives a crap about the potential financial outcome of a case for a client before deciding whether or not to take the case.

Each child needs a separate bedroom in order for them to stay overnite?

@jb02157 I'm sort of on your side here but those two points need further clarification. If you can supply the name of your state or pm it to me I can easily look up whether or not theres any truth to the questionable "one bedroom per child" rule. As far as the attorney not taking your case, that one defies explanation I can't understand why you'd say such a ridiculous thing.
 
#70 ·
There was a Men's Right's Attorney in Chicago I went to see a long time ago that advertised heavily in the Chicago Tribune in the 90's. I don't remember the name of the firm. I told him my situation and he said "I won't take your case because you would be financially ruined if I did." Obviously this particular attorney does give a crap about the financial outcome of his clients. This is not a ridiculous BS statement I came up with however it's something you wouldn't expect. If this guy would have been your average divorce attorney, I would have started divorce proceedings and filed. That is what I was there to do. I have remembered that moment and have taken that advice. From I have seen and read, he's right I would have been ruined. That's why I won't file. The kids would not have have been able to go to college because she would spend all the money on herself. She's even said that she would do that.
 
#71 ·
Wow about TWENTY years ago you went to see a men's rights attorney! Not recently and not even a divorce attorney? Guess what, a lot has changed in 20 years and DIVORCE attorneys know it. In the meantime, any children you may had at that time (even assuming it was 1999) would now be almost 18 years old. Just admit you would rather live on your knees that die on feet.
 
#75 ·
If I was you I'd get a second opinion.

Not getting why she'd be entitled to more than half of the marital assets.

Most states don't require child support past 18 so you're probably good there.

You might have to pay some support but that's a very state specific thing as well and the trend in the past 20 years has been less spousal support for shorter durations. Although you're in a long term marriage so that may work against you big time.

You might lose half your assets but you won't be paying for her anymore.

Might not be as bad as you think.
 
#76 ·
She already enjoys ALL of his assets, and gets to destroy his happiness in the process. Sounds like she is winning big time due to his excuse making, hand wringing, fear of the unknown and ignorance of reality.
 
#80 ·
It's only money. Can make more tomorrow or marry a rich woman. Nothing is worth staying in a miserable marriage. If you aren't getting your d!ck sucked at least twice a week and getting laid 5x a week, then you aren't living. I lost over $100k in my divorce and paying $800m to the my ex. Worth every damn cent. Had more sex in the last 11 months than I did my previous 35 years on this earth. Thank God I have morals, a $.20 bullet and a good alibi looked like a good option in the beginning.
 
#81 ·
It's only money.
I HATE that expression. "It's only money". Yeah until you don't have enough to keep a roof over your head and food on your table.

Say "It's only money" to the poor slobs living in a shelter or eating in a food pantry or fishing for dinner in a dumpster.

Can make more tomorrow or marry a rich woman.
You can make more tomorrow IF you have a job. And even if you do that doesn't mean you'll make enough. The jails are filled with (mostly) men who can't afford to make support payments. You think they'd rather be in jail or living in misery with their exwife?

As far as you can "marry a rich woman".. no comment. Same answer applies to "you can always win the MEGA Million lottery".

Nothing is worth staying in a miserable marriage.
That's your opinion. Obviously there are many who don't agree with you and it doesn't make you right and them wrong or vice versa.

If you aren't getting your d!ck sucked at least twice a week and getting laid 5x a week, then you aren't living.
I never knew that! I wonder how many of us don't meet your criteria for living.

Had more sex in the last 11 months than I did my previous 35 years on this earth.
I bet that's what lots of incarcerated men say as well.
 
#85 ·
Let's be honest... If you can't afford to divorce and can't make more money tomorrow, no wonder why the marriage is failing. No woman worth marrying wants to be with a guy that isn't financial independent and can figure out how to make a better life for him and his family. That's a weak guy that is only making excuses.
 
#87 ·
I'm learning so much on this thread.

I just found out from @GuyInColorado that if a woman is married to a guy who doesn't make all that much money, that marriage is destined for failure because he's weak and no woman wants to be with such a guy.

This is so educational.

I too have said that Ynot is bitter, it comes through loud and clear when he posts, especially about women.
@Ynot

Sorry buddy, it's two to one against.


But regardless you confuse my defending myself with me being angry at the guy.

As I said, sometimes a 2x4 is needed
So are you defending yourself or hitting the guy with 2x4s?
 
#86 ·
I too have said that Ynot is bitter, it comes through loud and clear when he posts, especially about women. (Ynot, you ARE improving though and taking strides forward ;) ) However I AM in agreement with him about JB's situation.

JB you really should consult with an attorney regarding the CURRENT laws and guidelines. We all just really want to see each other happy.
 
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