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post #16 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 04:00 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

it's coming up on a year since I officially moved out and ended my 8 year marriage. (the divorce is still ongoing) For almost a year before that, we were married in name only, and part of that time was an in house separation. He was on drugs. drinking heavily, abusive, and I found out afterwards, also having at the very least an EA, probably a PA.

I waffle back and forth like this all the time. I'd love to be in a relationship, but i really value my independence and alone time. I like being the captain of my own destiny, but being unattached and high drive is a not so fun at times. I also have some concerns about picking another cheater, or another controlling abusive man, or someone who (in the eventuality that they meet) won't treat my kids well. I also feel like I haven't met anyone I've clicked with.
I figure it's my new normal, and i'm trying to embrace it.
It may be unpleasant or lonely at times, but not nearly as unpleasant as my marriage was.

as far as having a FWB, I think you are correct that it has you in a holding pattern. Sexually sated enough to not pursue anything resembling a full relationship, and just barely lonely enough to feel that twinge when you are around lots of couples or an attractive woman. But even if it is preventing you from pursuing a relationship/love, is that a bad thing? If and when you are ready for something different, then you will move on. As long as both parties are consenting adults and aware of what it is, then I really don't see the problem.

you probably do need some counseling if you feel like:
"Relationships seem like Russian Roulette to me. With more chambers loaded than not." And the anxiety about dating. Concerns about choosing a similar bad person again are probably valid. However, anxiety so much that you feel relieved at a cancelled date seems unhealthy. But what do I know, i'm a homebody that often experiences relief at cancelled plans : )


Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.

Last edited by sixty-eight; 10-28-2016 at 04:13 PM.
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post #17 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 04:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Yeah, some of these guys are totally reactive. They read a headline and get the vapors. They never bother to look a little deeper in to the story. If they did, they would realize your chances of getting an STD are actually less than having a car accident. For some reason it doesn't stop them from driving, but it stops them dead in their tracks when faced with an opportunity to have sex.
Since you said you don't know if she has slept with someone else or not, I am sure they will jump on this with both feet.
Gotcha. I just got tested a couple weeks back - all clean.
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post #18 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 04:21 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

Moth, I'm in the same boat only I don't worry about what other people may or may not think. I think if you meet someone that's amazing you'll know it and decide you are ready for a relationship. Not knowing now just means you haven't found someone that you are ready to commit to. Enjoy the single life and your FWB; there is nothing wrong with either of those.
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post #19 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 04:28 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

If you don't want or aren't ready for a relationship then don't have one. Who cares what you're "supposed to do" or what other people think you "should" do? Just be honest w/ your intentions (or lack thereof) and don't allow yourself to become "the other man". Sounds like you've already got a handle on that, though.

As for healing? Maybe you just need a bit more time and, if you rush it, it might not be authentic.

Either way, yes -- please be careful. After all, most people drive only a single vehicle... and it's usually the vehicle for which they're directly responsible for maintenance, etc.

Additionally, if you make a habit of riding around w/ people that tend to get in wrecks... well, you'll eventually wind up in a wreck yourself.

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post #20 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 04:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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it's coming up on a year since I officially moved out and ended my 8 year marriage. (the divorce is still ongoing) For almost a year before that, we were married in name only, and part of that time was an in house separation. He was on drugs. drinking heavily, abusive, and I found out afterwards, also having at the very least an EA, probably a PA.

I waffle back and forth like this all the time. I'd love to be in a relationship, but i really value my independence and alone time. I like being the captain of my own destiny, but being unattached and high drive is a not so fun at times. I also have some concerns about picking another cheater, or another controlling abusive man, or someone who (in the eventuality that they meet) won't treat my kids well. I also feel like I haven't met anyone I've clicked with.
I figure it's my new normal, and i'm trying to embrace it.
It may be unpleasant or lonely at times, but not nearly as unpleasant as my marriage was.

as far as having a FWB, I think you are correct that it has you in a holding pattern. Sexually sated enough to not pursue anything resembling a full relationship, and just barely lonely enough to feel that twinge when you are around lots of couples or an attractive woman. But even if it is preventing you from pursuing a relationship/love, is that a bad thing? If and when you are ready for something different, then you will move on. As long as both parties are consenting adults and aware of what it is, then I really don't see the problem.

you probably do need some counseling if you feel like:
"Relationships seem like Russian Roulette to me. With more chambers loaded than not." And the anxiety about dating. Concerns about choosing a similar bad person again are probably valid. However, anxiety so much that you feel relieved at a cancelled date seems unhealthy. But what do I know, i'm a homebody that often experiences relief at cancelled plans : )
This post is so on point. I'm sorry you went through such a terrible marriage - I'm glad you're free of what seems like a not good man. You and I sound very similar.

The "new normal" indeed. I really, really cherish my solitude and freedom. it's awesome.

And you're right about the FWB - it's a holding pattern for sure. But it's one I'm comfortable in. And the sex is dynamite. We have amazing chemistry - even the first time we did it, it was fireworks. And we have fantastic conversation. It's too bad I don't have deeper feelings for her.

And you know what - the anxiety about the date wasn't even so much about the woman herself, it is because, like you, I am SUCH a homebody. Usually after I force myself to go out I'm happy I did - but I am so content staying home and doing my thing. I do all my socializing at work. I'm relieved when plans are cancelled too - date or not. It's like George Costanza said: "I've never gone to a meeting where I actually wanted the other person to show up".
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post #21 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 04:44 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

I may have been lucky as I found a good consoler my 2nd try.

I was in your spot after my wife died in 2002. So much of me was dedicated to her & our life. I too vacillated between being alone forever and seek someone out of loneliness.

My consoler help me realized I was putting too much pressure on myself. Short story I did what is called the 180 here. I worked on me and mostly tried to have fun. Re-found my life for me. I dated a bit & rode a crazy train for a few months and eventually I found a gal I could really be myself around.
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post #22 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 04:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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I may have been lucky as I found a good consoler my 2nd try.

I was in your spot after my wife died in 2002. So much of me was dedicated to her & our life. I too vacillated between being alone forever and seek someone out of loneliness.

My consoler help me realized I was putting too much pressure on myself. Short story I did what is called the 180 here. I worked on me and mostly tried to have fun. Re-found my life for me. I dated a bit & rode a crazy train for a few months and eventually I found a gal I could really be myself around.
That "someone you can be yourself around" is huge for me. I always feel like I have to put on a show or something...and I don't want to do that. Of course when you're first dating anyone you don;t want to be farting and stuff - but eventually you should be able to be yourself. I guess I'm still shaken from the marriage and there's a lot of fear there.

I think the biggest thing is I want whatever happens (if it happens) to happen organically. Problem is I hate going out so it'll have to be when I'm at work (it's a huge company) or at the grocery store or something.

Glad you found a lady you get to be yourself around!
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post #23 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 04:56 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

I'm in the same boat as you moth, except I don't have a FWB like you do. But don't sweat it. Four years is not all that long after what you have been through. Just enjoy life as it is. You don't need to change anything. I think you just need to be the best person you can be, be content and happy in yourself, and someone who matches you will eventually come along.

People don't so much "find" each other as they usually accidentally "collide" with each other out of the blue... or at least that has been my experience. The deepest relationships I have had occurred when I wasn't really looking.

Quit sweating it. At least you have a FWB taking care of you...

Bastard...


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post #24 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 05:05 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

My wife and I split up this week and quite honestly your life sounds perfect to me. Sex when and if I want it, no commitments whatsoever. I could see doing that quite happily for the rest of my life.
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post #25 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 05:32 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
That "someone you can be yourself around" is huge for me. I always feel like I have to put on a show or something...and I don't want to do that. Of course when you're first dating anyone you don;t want to be farting and stuff - but eventually you should be able to be yourself. I guess I'm still shaken from the marriage and there's a lot of fear there.

I think the biggest thing is I want whatever happens (if it happens) to happen organically. Problem is I hate going out so it'll have to be when I'm at work (it's a huge company) or at the grocery store or something.

Glad you found a lady you get to be yourself around!
My crazy train was found on match as well as the other failed attempts. My now wife was a friend of my lat wife and I re-found her though bike riding.

I was actively looking for someone while doing something I enjoy. Any yes the 1st few dates always have that job interview like feel if it does not past quickly then isnít that a red flag?

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post #26 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 06:17 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

I will hit this subject on a side wall. The back wall is reserved for....................censored.

Listen, I do not think people change that much after passing the 25 year mark. You have been this way for a long time, admit it.

You say you are emotionally unavailable? I believe you and I believe this.

This may have contributed to the collapse of your marriage. Cheating by your EX was wrong and cannot be pinned on your hide. She did this. Not you. She should have gotten a divorce before looking for love elsewhere.

If you do eventually get serious, form a real LTR, an engagement and another marriage, you had better take a good look at yourself in the mirror.

I believe you are doing this, already.

Your EX needed to be validated by someone, if you did not "convincingly" step up, she had the excuse to cheat that all Waywards seek.

In reference to this Blog, Talk about Marriage, TAM, do not think that a large majority of relationships end up in cheating. The number of married women who cheat is low. Some reliable studies say 17 percent, some put it higher at 40 percent. These studies often ask this question: Have you ever cheated on a partner? This would include young person relationships, steady dating, and exclusive relationships.

These percentages gets rolled into Engagements and Marriages and drive the numbers higher.

Desperate people get advice here. They ARE NOT representative of the marriage state in the Western World.

Actual cheating in marriages are much lower. They are higher than we would like. I think the numbers are steadily rising.

You need to fine-tune your mate picker. Choose a lady that likes you "in spite of" your emotional un-availability. Your current hottie sounds nice. But I suspect she is using you for fun and sex...also. And she has other men at her disposal Not a problem, at this time.

No, you do not have to get in a relationship if you are not ready. If you meet the right women, you will have little control over your picker. It will keep you awake at night.....uh-huh!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #27 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 06:20 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
This post is so on point. I'm sorry you went through such a terrible marriage - I'm glad you're free of what seems like a not good man. You and I sound very similar.

The "new normal" indeed. I really, really cherish my solitude and freedom. it's awesome.

And you're right about the FWB - it's a holding pattern for sure. But it's one I'm comfortable in. And the sex is dynamite. We have amazing chemistry - even the first time we did it, it was fireworks. And we have fantastic conversation. It's too bad I don't have deeper feelings for her.

And you know what - the anxiety about the date wasn't even so much about the woman herself, it is because, like you, I am SUCH a homebody. Usually after I force myself to go out I'm happy I did - but I am so content staying home and doing my thing. I do all my socializing at work. I'm relieved when plans are cancelled too - date or not. It's like George Costanza said: "I've never gone to a meeting where I actually wanted the other person to show up".


I feel like this sums up how i feel pretty well.

And maybe i would feel differently if my marriage hadn't been so terrible. Maybe i'm a product of my circumstances, and I need to to heal and i'll feel differently. I really don't know, but I don't feel compelled to therapy, or to self help books or any other kind of trying to fix it.

I feel like my social anxiety, my homebody-ness, probably is the biggest factor in my being dateless. I work with an elderly person, i'm not meeting anyone there, and i have my kids 100% of the rest of the time. I have childcare, if i wanted to go out, but i don't meet anyone to go out with because i always have the kids. Maybe other people get asked out with kids in tow, but i don't. So i could get a babysitter and go out to the bars and meet people that way, but it's not really my scene. I could get on Tinder, or try on line dating, but i, like you, want it to happen organically. So, it's probably not going to happen any time soon. I occasionally get the itch for adult human companionship, but it passes. I have friends, I hang out with my sister a few times a month. I'm content.

And i've tried FWB before, and it's just usually not for me. It might be different with a nice guy with no expectations, but it usually just ends up complicating my life more than dating would.
Congrats to you for finding something drama and expectation free.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #28 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 06:26 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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1 word -> useless.

The ex and I tried counselling during our false R - useless. I've been to 3 different IC - useless. What would I even say I was going for, indecisiveness?
Anxiety. Fear. Denial.

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"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #29 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 06:40 PM
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Anxiety. Fear. Denial.
Of what? The OP said he was happy in his solitude and happy with his life. I think he was just looking for some reassurance that he was on the right path. I think anytime you get inside your own head, you can sink into circular reasoning and fall into an abyss. Personally, I think his head is on right.
Plus IMO the best part of counseling is hearing yourself tell your story. I think that is exactly what the OP has done here.

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post #30 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 09:03 PM
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Of what? The OP said he was happy in his solitude and happy with his life. I think he was just looking for some reassurance that he was on the right path. I think anytime you get inside your own head, you can sink into circular reasoning and fall into an abyss. Personally, I think his head is on right.
Plus IMO the best part of counseling is hearing yourself tell your story. I think that is exactly what the OP has done here.
He said he felt completely anxious at the thought of going on a date with the woman from the OLD site.

Would he feel the same meeting up with a relative male stranger at Buffalo Wild Wings for a ball game?

From where does anxiety come?

Why is he refusing to acknowledge that he fears commitment?

He is more than welcome to continue to live in such a manner. I would argue that he would not be conflicted if he did not want a relationship on some level.

I see anxiety and fear, with a splash of denial.

Take the advice for what it is worth based on the source, which is a shade tree relationship adviser. If he wants better advice, he should seek a professional.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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