I want a relationship. I want to be single. I... - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #31 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 09:25 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. I am ending marriage #2. I was in a bad spot after the first, had a couple of relationships and got sucked in with the great sex and solid homelife with my current stbx. I am 40 also and I have been contemplating on where I want to go from here. Do I try to get one last big contract and hope that sets me up for life, or do I just retire and move on with my life. There is that comfort level that I fear will be gone forever. I had always thought I'd have the nice nuclear family, a house in the burbs, good times and happiness. I realize that ain't happening now, which is sad, bit also takes the pressure off. I am still new in the separation, so, it's not like I am looking for love now, but sometimes I feel like there is a void. Maybe it will be different when I am settled back into the life I want to make now. Honestly, if it weren't for my kids, an RV would sound great

There is no doing life right. There is no prize at the end. Nobody will care or remember. All you can do is try to make yourself happy. Just don't try to maintain a mold just for the sake of maintaining it. If it does strike, fear not.

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post #32 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-28-2016, 09:35 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
He said he felt completely anxious at the thought of going on a date with the woman from the OLD site.

Would he feel the same meeting up with a relative male stranger at Buffalo Wild Wings for a ball game?
OP said he is a homebody that often feels relief at cancelled plans, so, yes, he might.

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Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
snip
And you know what - the anxiety about the date wasn't even so much about the woman herself, it is because, like you, I am SUCH a homebody. Usually after I force myself to go out I'm happy I did - but I am so content staying home and doing my thing. I do all my socializing at work. I'm relieved when plans are cancelled too - date or not. It's like George Costanza said: "I've never gone to a meeting where I actually wanted the other person to show up".

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #33 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 08:54 AM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Originally Posted by moth-into-flame View Post
Is it uncommon to still be this...unsettled after 4 years? Are most people back in the swing - either with someone and happy or single and loving it and cool with that?
I don't know if its common but I've been divorced for about 4 years as well and I'm still a mess.

I'm 53 and I don't know what I want. I wouldn't mind a FWB but haven't come a crossed that. I did OLD for a short while and didn't meet anyone I was interested in. I also stressed about dates and was relieved if they'd get canceled. I'm currently not dating at all and don't go out much. Part of the reason is my confidence and self esteem is still low because of XWW's cheating. I'm starting to see a therapist and sort out some of this stuff. Hopefully I will get past this and start living again. I keep thinking that time is running out and if I want to be with someone, I better get started. XWW didn't skip a beat. Her and poSOM broke up and she's been on to someone new for over a year.
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post #34 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 11:45 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I'm in the same boat as you moth, except I don't have a FWB like you do. But don't sweat it. Four years is not all that long after what you have been through. Just enjoy life as it is. You don't need to change anything. I think you just need to be the best person you can be, be content and happy in yourself, and someone who matches you will eventually come along.

People don't so much "find" each other as they usually accidentally "collide" with each other out of the blue... or at least that has been my experience. The deepest relationships I have had occurred when I wasn't really looking.

Quit sweating it. At least you have a FWB taking care of you...

Bastard...


Haha! Thanks man. Yeah I'm actually not too worried about it. Just gonna go with the flow.

Indeed - all my male buddies are very jealous of my "predicament".
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post #35 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 11:54 AM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Haha! Thanks man. Yeah I'm actually not too worried about it. Just gonna go with the flow.

Indeed - all my male buddies are very jealous of my "predicament".
And more than a few male (and some female) posters on TAM as well. Enjoy!

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #36 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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I will hit this subject on a side wall. The back wall is reserved for....................censored.

Listen, I do not think people change that much after passing the 25 year mark. You have been this way for a long time, admit it.

You say you are emotionally unavailable? I believe you and I believe this.

This may have contributed to the collapse of your marriage. Cheating by your EX was wrong and cannot be pinned on your hide. She did this. Not you. She should have gotten a divorce before looking for love elsewhere.

If you do eventually get serious, form a real LTR, an engagement and another marriage, you had better take a good look at yourself in the mirror.

I believe you are doing this, already.

Your EX needed to be validated by someone, if you did not "convincingly" step up, she had the excuse to cheat that all Waywards seek.

In reference to this Blog, Talk about Marriage, TAM, do not think that a large majority of relationships end up in cheating. The number of married women who cheat is low. Some reliable studies say 17 percent, some put it higher at 40 percent. These studies often ask this question: Have you ever cheated on a partner? This would include young person relationships, steady dating, and exclusive relationships.

These percentages gets rolled into Engagements and Marriages and drive the numbers higher.

Desperate people get advice here. They ARE NOT representative of the marriage state in the Western World.

Actual cheating in marriages are much lower. They are higher than we would like. I think the numbers are steadily rising.

You need to fine-tune your mate picker. Choose a lady that likes you "in spite of" your emotional un-availability. Your current hottie sounds nice. But I suspect she is using you for fun and sex...also. And she has other men at her disposal Not a problem, at this time.

No, you do not have to get in a relationship if you are not ready. If you meet the right women, you will have little control over your picker. It will keep you awake at night.....uh-huh!
Been like what for a long time? No, I wasn't emotionally unavailable in my marriage. I was open, committed, always faithful and loving. My ex wife got herself a lovely little cocaine habit and lived a whole other life that I didn't know about. "This may have contributed to the collapse of your marriage". Uhh, no. Cocaine, a lack of morals and self esteem, selfishness, entitlement and immaturity on my exww's part "contributed" to the collapse of my marriage. Was I a perfect husband? of course not. No such thing. And I never expected perfection from my ex. I was a good husband to her. And to this day she tells me that and expresses great regret. "It was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life and that hole in my heart will be there forever". She's said that in various different ways many times over, and to this day. I NEVER would have left my wife if it weren't for the cheating. She was an emotionally abusive basket case - but I would have stuck around until the bitter end - until she put another man's penis inside her. That gave me the ability to walk away from that toxic marriage with integrity.

Last edited by moth-into-flame; 10-31-2016 at 12:27 PM.
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post #37 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Anxiety. Fear. Denial.
I get the first two...what am I denying?
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post #38 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Of what? The OP said he was happy in his solitude and happy with his life. I think he was just looking for some reassurance that he was on the right path. I think anytime you get inside your own head, you can sink into circular reasoning and fall into an abyss. Personally, I think his head is on right.
Plus IMO the best part of counseling is hearing yourself tell your story. I think that is exactly what the OP has done here.
Thank you. I believe you're right. :-)
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post #39 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
He said he felt completely anxious at the thought of going on a date with the woman from the OLD site.

Would he feel the same meeting up with a relative male stranger at Buffalo Wild Wings for a ball game?

From where does anxiety come?

Why is he refusing to acknowledge that he fears commitment?

He is more than welcome to continue to live in such a manner. I would argue that he would not be conflicted if he did not want a relationship on some level.

I see anxiety and fear, with a splash of denial.

Take the advice for what it is worth based on the source, which is a shade tree relationship adviser. If he wants better advice, he should seek a professional.
Where have I denied my fear of commitment? I am absolutely fearful of it. I got burned extremely bad by the one person who was supposed to be the most committed to me. I think I'd be naive if I wasn't afraid of commitment.
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post #40 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. I am ending marriage #2. I was in a bad spot after the first, had a couple of relationships and got sucked in with the great sex and solid homelife with my current stbx. I am 40 also and I have been contemplating on where I want to go from here. Do I try to get one last big contract and hope that sets me up for life, or do I just retire and move on with my life. There is that comfort level that I fear will be gone forever. I had always thought I'd have the nice nuclear family, a house in the burbs, good times and happiness. I realize that ain't happening now, which is sad, bit also takes the pressure off. I am still new in the separation, so, it's not like I am looking for love now, but sometimes I feel like there is a void. Maybe it will be different when I am settled back into the life I want to make now. Honestly, if it weren't for my kids, an RV would sound great

There is no doing life right. There is no prize at the end. Nobody will care or remember. All you can do is try to make yourself happy. Just don't try to maintain a mold just for the sake of maintaining it. If it does strike, fear not.
I now find comfort in my solitude and singledom. I used to find comfort in my nuclear family. Now? I can't even look at old pictures of the kids from when we were together without feeling pain. Not pain from losing her or not being with her - that's a good thing. But the loss of my nuclear family. The children's loss of their family unit. The pain we all went through and the fact that my children are from a broken home, and that I was (we were) betrayed and lied to so badly. I look at pictures of those precious children and think of us waiting for her to come home - but she wouldn't, because she was out doing blow and screwing other men. That she could do that to her beautiful children...me? Whatever. I'm a big boy. I survived. But my trust is gone, and so is my faith in the idea that my monogamy will be reciprocated.

I like your advice though - and I'm sorry you're headed for another divorce.

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post #41 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:24 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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I'm 40 though and not getting younger. I worry about ...should I be with someone? Is that what you're supposed to do in life? Would I be willing to take the risk and give up my freedom for the right person - or is there no "right person" because I'm all f'ed up? Am I still damaged from the affair/divorce? Just not ready? Or is this the new me - and I'm one of those MGTOW? Is this the new reality - single forever and just hooking up to get my sexual needs met? Do I need to push myself out of my comfort zone, take the risk, give up my freedom and just take the plunge in hopes I fall in love and it's all worth it? Am I even capable of falling in love? Do I actually want a relationship but I'm just scared, or do I think I'm supposed to be in one but actually I'm totally happy being single?
Why is the future so unsettling? You have it sounding like both your main and reserve canopy have deployed, failed, and there is nothing coming but ground?

It's the present that makes the difference... we are all a little damaged when an affair/divorce happens, being human causes that. As long as you are not harming someone as you work through your path, one can stay behind the clouds but eventually you will have to peek out as you pass through them and survey the landscape below hopefully before you enter into a new cloud of protection.

Years are like altitudes... you only have so much time before you come to an end of the journey. You really have to cutaway all those things that get in the way before you think about when your reserve is needed, but one who is mindful grows wings making the reserve (FWB) unnecessary.

Create your own updraft, a slower decent will aid you well... life is more width than length anyways.
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post #42 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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I don't know if its common but I've been divorced for about 4 years as well and I'm still a mess.

I'm 53 and I don't know what I want. I wouldn't mind a FWB but haven't come a crossed that. I did OLD for a short while and didn't meet anyone I was interested in. I also stressed about dates and was relieved if they'd get canceled. I'm currently not dating at all and don't go out much. Part of the reason is my confidence and self esteem is still low because of XWW's cheating. I'm starting to see a therapist and sort out some of this stuff. Hopefully I will get past this and start living again. I keep thinking that time is running out and if I want to be with someone, I better get started. XWW didn't skip a beat. Her and poSOM broke up and she's been on to someone new for over a year.
The "time running out" thing is an issue for me too. But maybe it's OK to stay single. I'm happy that way now - but will I always be? Yeah, my ex didn't skip a beat either. Of course posom dumped her like a bag of dirt. She's NEVER lived alone. From her folk's place, to mine, to living with an emotional (and I'm sure physical) affair partner after I left her, to moving in with another guy she's now engaged to (for like 3 years now). Codependent much? Astonishing she didn't take any time at all to be by herself and maybe reflect a little. Pretty sad. I used to hate her guts - now I just have pity for her. It's sad.
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post #43 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:26 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Where have I denied my fear of commitment? I am absolutely fearful of it. I got burned extremely bad by the one person who was supposed to be the most committed to me. I think I'd be naive if I wasn't afraid of commitment.
I think that goes back to the post by Sun C Mars, where he said that he thinks people don't change much past age 25, which I completely disagree with. I know for me, my whole belief system was blown to shreds when I got divorced. I think it changed me considerably. I too feel, that my naivety was destroyed by that experience and I am a changed person from who I was. I don't know that I will ever be able to commit to another again after the betrayal of divorce. Even if I do, the commitment would not be anywhere near the unconditional commitment I gave before.

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post #44 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:30 PM Thread Starter
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Why is the future so unsettling? You have it sounding like both your main and reserve canopy have deployed, failed, and there is nothing coming but ground?

It's the present that makes the difference... we are all a little damaged when an affair/divorce happens, being human causes that. As long as you are not harming someone as you work through your path, one can stay behind the clouds but eventually you will have to peek out as you pass through them and survey the landscape below hopefully before you enter into a new cloud of protection.

Years are like altitudes... you only have so much time before you come to an end of the journey. You really have to cutaway all those things that get in the way before you think about when your reserve is needed, but one who is mindful grows wings making the reserve (FWB) unnecessary.

Create your own updraft, a slower decent will aid you well... life is more width than length anyways.
Good post, although I don't know that the FWB is a reserve...we truly enjoy each other's company and the sex is dynamite. We're both happy with how the relationship is. Will that last forever? Doubtful. One of us will find someone else, someone will decide it's just not enough...whatever. But for now, we're both enjoying it for what it is.
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post #45 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

On a side note - I have a coffee date with a gal Thursday. I'm not going to bail this time. It's kinda cool - it's a social date as well as a potential business meeting - which actually takes a little of the pressure off. And it's just coffee instead of a full on dinner and drinks thing. We'll see what happens.
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