I want a relationship. I want to be single. I... - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #46 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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I think that goes back to the post by Sun C Mars, where he said that he thinks people don't change much past age 25, which I completely disagree with. I know for me, my whole belief system was blown to shreds when I got divorced. I think it changed me considerably. I too feel, that my naivety was destroyed by that experience and I am a changed person from who I was. I don't know that I will ever be able to commit to another again after the betrayal of divorce. Even if I do, the commitment would not be anywhere near the unconditional commitment I gave before.
Me too buddy, me too. I think infidelity and the subsequent divorce can have 1 of 2 effects on you - it can weaken you and beat you down, or it can temper you. I'm willing to give a relationship a try - if I'm really connected and into someone - but I don't know that that armour that you put on afterwards is ever going to fully come off. Maybe. But right now, and in the past relationships I've had post split, when they ended, for whatever reason, I was like "yeah - that's cool. No biggie" (which of course infuriates the women). But that of course might mean I never achieve an actual real relationship. I don't know that you can without that full commitment and a true full surrender to the other person. At this point, I'm simply incapable of allowing myself to be exposed fully, or vulnerable.


Last edited by moth-into-flame; 10-31-2016 at 12:38 PM.
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post #47 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 12:35 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

why are we some how expected to follow a certain set of guidelines or rules about is expected of us, or about the right prescription for happiness. That in not following them your a failure, or not happy. its time to throw away all the social morays around happiness and contentment and follow our own path regardless of what people say. we need to define our own journey, our definition of what it means to be happy, and if that happiness comes in the form of solitude than so be it. there is a sense of peace that comes with the tranquility of one's self-determination to pursue persoanl goals. because in the end when your resting in that box, there are no mulligans.
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post #48 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 05:20 PM
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Highly doubt she's really that cool with it. But hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.
why do you doubt she is Ok with the arrangement? Or do you mean she may want more than fortnightly sex?

FWB is a fairly common arrangement.
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post #49 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 05:23 PM
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why do you doubt she is Ok with the arrangement? Or do you mean she may want more than fortnightly sex?

FWB is a fairly common arrangement.
He dumped her, and she says she's willing to just be FWB. I just think she's likely waiting in the wings hoping it turns into something more.
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post #50 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 05:31 PM
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He dumped her, and she says she's willing to just be FWB. I just think she's likely waiting in the wings hoping it turns into something more.
Possibly. But they have been at it now for a year, she says she is happy to have good sex that all sounds pretty feasible. My guess is that a year is a long time to put up a pretense if she actually wanted more. Wouldn't someone just say "am enjoying the good sex but I want more".

the FWB relationship is a great option for those that can separate sex and love/emotion. As I said it is a fairly common arrangement IME and works well for many, especially post divorce.
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post #51 of 65 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 09:44 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Possibly. But they have been at it now for a year, she says she is happy to have good sex that all sounds pretty feasible. My guess is that a year is a long time to put up a pretense if she actually wanted more. Wouldn't someone just say "am enjoying the good sex but I want more".

the FWB relationship is a great option for those that can separate sex and love/emotion. As I said it is a fairly common arrangement IME and works well for many, especially post divorce.
For some reason, many here just can't imagine that there are women who feel the same about sex as some men do.

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post #52 of 65 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 12:59 AM
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For some reason, many here just can't imagine that there are women who feel the same about sex as some men do.
Broaden your horizons perhaps. It is very common for people to have NSA FWB after divorce. I did and I know of plenty of others that did/do. Many women I know are much happier to just have great sex but not have to deal with a relationship.

The biggest growth area in relationships in Aussie is the two house hold monogamous type. OK this is different to FWB but it is also a new/alternative to a full time relationship. Many want sex but not the time commitment/issue that go with a full time relationship.

It is a stereotype that women need emotional connection to have sex. "Liking" a man is just fine for many of us, we don't need love or commitment and there are certainly times in life where love and commitment is the last thing we want.
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post #53 of 65 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 05:21 AM
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Broaden your horizons perhaps. It is very common for people to have NSA FWB after divorce. I did and I know of plenty of others that did/do. Many women I know are much happier to just have great sex but not have to deal with a relationship.

The biggest growth area in relationships in Aussie is the two house hold monogamous type. OK this is different to FWB but it is also a new/alternative to a full time relationship. Many want sex but not the time commitment/issue that go with a full time relationship.

It is a stereotype that women need emotional connection to have sex. "Liking" a man is just fine for many of us, we don't need love or commitment and there are certainly times in life where love and commitment is the last thing we want.
It isn't my horizons that need broadened, but those who continue to cling to the 'emotionally needy or weak woman' model of relationships. There was a discussion a few weeks ago about some of the women who claimed Trump groped them. A few posters were claiming the women represented all of the "victims". They absolutely refused to see that some women do not view sex thru the prism of an uneven relationship, but rather enjoy the physical aspects of it. I have no issue with a woman who simply desires sex. I have met a few who told that after years of vanilla married sex, once they were free they couldn't wait to sow their wild oats. They said that was how they discovered what they wanted and who they are.

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post #54 of 65 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 05:32 AM
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It isn't my horizons that need broadened, but those who continue to cling to the 'emotionally needy or weak woman' model of relationships. There was a discussion a few weeks ago about some of the women who claimed Trump groped them. A few posters were claiming the women represented all of the "victims". They absolutely refused to see that some women do not view sex thru the prism of an uneven relationship, but rather enjoy the physical aspects of it. I have no issue with a woman who simply desires sex. I have met a few who told that after years of vanilla married sex, once they were free they couldn't wait to sow their wild oats. They said that was how they discovered what they wanted and who they are.
So for clarity you are one that does understand that women can feel the same about sex as men do?

Leaving aside groping by a yobbo, yuk.
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post #55 of 65 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 05:43 AM
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So for clarity you are one that does understand that women can feel the same about sex as men do?

Leaving aside groping by a yobbo, yuk.
Yes. I don't slvt shame women who enjoy sex as a physical activity and don't need to attach emotionally. It is who they are and there is nothing wrong with it.


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post #56 of 65 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 04:19 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

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Or is this the new me - and I'm one of those MGTOW? Is this the new reality - single forever and just hooking up to get my sexual needs met?
Idk man, I guess it's all in the eye of the beholder. For many a dude, trapped in a sexless marriage with a nagging wife using him as a paycheck, your current situation would be HEAVEN to him.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #57 of 65 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 01:35 PM Thread Starter
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He dumped her, and she says she's willing to just be FWB. I just think she's likely waiting in the wings hoping it turns into something more.
I didn't "dump her" She approached me initially wanting purely a sexual relationship. That's why I went for it. She turned it into a boyfriend/girlfriend thing and I pulled the reigns.

You might be right about the second part, but as I said, she expressed to ME a few weeks ago how happy she is single and that she enjoys what we have. I have not led her on, I've been 100% honest and my integrity is intact.
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post #58 of 65 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 01:37 PM Thread Starter
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For some reason, many here just can't imagine that there are women who feel the same about sex as some men do.
She's a very high drive, sexual person who needs it. We have amazing sex and great conversation and there's no drama. I don't understand why a woman can't be happy with this arrangement either. Clearly it's not for everyone, but obviously there are women that it does work for.
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post #59 of 65 (permalink) Old 11-04-2016, 11:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

Had a first date with a woman I met on OKCupid yesterday - just coffee. She's a child therapist. She was late, which stressed her out. It went well - lots of conversation. I couldn't tell if she was just nervous or if she's high-energy/uppity. She laughed a lot and got kinda loud a few times. Lol. We agreed to another date next week, this time drinks in the evening. Hopefully by the second date I'll know if there's chemistry. She texted me last night saying she had a great time and is looking forward to the next time. I was pretty chill and confident...I'm not really too fussed any more with it all. She's 7 years my junior, 2 kids same age as mine.

A bit apprehensive as I know if I pursue a relationship I'll need to end things with FWB - but I don't want to throw that away for something that will fizzle in short order. I guess that's selfish.

Oh well, at least I actually went out and did it this time.
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post #60 of 65 (permalink) Old 11-04-2016, 12:09 PM
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Re: I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...

So...about 9yrs or so ago I was in South Africa for work. They had all of these fridge magnets in a shop that actually had very profound sayings on them. One of them has stuck with me after all of these years. It was "Love like you have never been hurt...". Set yourself free from yourself as you are the only one that holds you back in life.
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