I want a relationship. I want to be single. I...
I can't make up my mind. I've been divorced for 2 years now - separated 4 years after discovering my wife's affair(s). We were married for 14 years. Her infidelity profoundly changed me as a person and changed how I view relationships - which I'm sure is fairly common.
After the breakup I jumped right into dating. I had more sexual partners in the 2 years post split than I did in my entire life before that combined. Not once did I develop any real feelings for any of these women (besides liking them). I don't know if that's because I just haven't found anyone I really connect with or because I'm incapable of it. I believe I have built a wall around me to protect myself - as I don't feel I can ever allow myself to be that vulnerable again. I've heard the "you're emotionally unavailable" thing more than once from the women I've dated.
I haven't had a "girlfriend" since August 2015. Since I ended that - I haven't been searching one out. I kinda gave up. I just don't feel anything. I have been sleeping with a woman since the breakup of the last relationship - we had hooked up before, things got too serious, I bailed. She approached me again and said she'd be cool with just being lovers. I was hesitant but agreed to try - we've been sleeping together for over a year and are great friends. She's awesome - but I do not love her or desire a relationship beyond what we have. She's cool with this. We discussed the other night how much we enjoy our freedom (she divorced her abusive husband). She has expressed to me she's happy with us being lovers and she really enjoys the "great sex". We also have great conversation. Frequency is every second weekend. I have not slept with anyone else since we've been doing it. I don't know if she has or not.
I waffle back and forth on wanting a girlfriend and not. I am enjoying the hell out of my freedom. I have my kids Friday-Monday, and during the weeknights I don't have them I am enjoying working on my hobbies and avocation. I'm never bored or really lonely at all. However, I know the one thing keeping me from pursuing a real relationship is that my sexual needs are being met. I'm very high drive, and if I wasn't sleeping with my lover, I'd be seeking it out, and that would lead to a relationship. I'm very lucky in that a I have this lover who is happy with the way things are.
However I keep thinking I'm supposed to be in a relationship. I see everyone around me in one. I see beautiful women and think "I want her to be my girlfriend!!". However I realize that's just lust.
Sometimes I think I really want a partner - but the truth of it is I am scared to death of a relationship. I have major trust issues which cause me to be emotionally unavailable, and I'm just not really willing to sacrifice my freedom, or give up a part of myself - which I feel I'd have to do - to have a relationship. I read the CWI forum, and see people in real life, and it just seems like the odds of a woman cheating are too high (men too I'm sure, but I'm not a woman, so not talking about that at the moment). Relationships seem like Russian Roulette to me. With more chambers loaded than not.
I recently signed up for Match and had a couple dates lined up - I just bailed on them and stopped messaging women. I had a date with a beautiful woman all set and all I had was anxiety about it - zero excitement. It never went down and I was relieved. WTF??
I'm 40 though and not getting younger. I worry about ...should I be with someone? Is that what you're supposed to do in life? Would I be willing to take the risk and give up my freedom for the right person - or is there no "right person" because I'm all f'ed up? Am I still damaged from the affair/divorce? Just not ready? Or is this the new me - and I'm one of those MGTOW? Is this the new reality - single forever and just hooking up to get my sexual needs met? Do I need to push myself out of my comfort zone, take the risk, give up my freedom and just take the plunge in hopes I fall in love and it's all worth it? Am I even capable of falling in love? Do I actually want a relationship but I'm just scared, or do I think I'm supposed to be in one but actually I'm totally happy being single?
Ugh. I'm really conflicted and somewhat confused. Anyone relate or have any insight for me?