Normalcy - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 07:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Normalcy

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They do have their limitations.

My dog has never attempted to penetrate the barrier.
Lucky you. I think our dog was one of the most strongest willed animals I have ever run across.


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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 07:35 PM
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Re: Normalcy

It's only been in the last few years that I've realized that the dynamic in my house growing up wasn't "normal".

My awakening started when I realized that whenever I'd share stories about my nutjob family people would look at me like I'd grown a second head.

I used to play the filthy, drugged out voicemails one of my nutty sisters would leave me for my coworkers and one of them told me that if she hadn't heard it for herself she would have thought I was either making it up or exaggerating.

It was a real eye opener for her.

I'm not sure my hb knew people like my family existed before he met me.

Let's just say that her more people learn about my family the more impressive it becomes that I turned out ok.

Yet to me this was normal.

Everything is subject to perspective.
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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 09:32 PM
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Re: Normalcy

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I like this part of your post the best and of course I completely agree with it. We all have our dealbreakers, and we draw our line in the sand in very different places. As we gain more experience, and self confidence, that line gets moved forward, sometimes by quite a distance.



That's a completely inaccurate description of how an electric fence works. For starters -and anyone who reads this can easily nod their head without knowing a thing about electric fences- "noise cannot force a dog backwards".
Thank you for "better" explaining E-fences. I only needed the noise generating function to illustrate my mildly sarcastic analogy. Modern models employ both sound and static electricity. I have not taken one apart but I suspect that they have a 9-volt battery, a transformer to boost the voltage to a high level, capacitors to hold the charge and a firing circuit. I do not think the ASPCA would allow the use of pulse oscillators to cripple the collar wearer.

However, my words are "shocking" enough for most.

I occasionally need shock therapy from a static source as yours to release helpful neurochemicals. These counter the depressive effects of Error Exposure.

Thank you again. Accuracy IS important.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 10:11 PM
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Re: Normalcy

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That didn't slow down our dog. He blew right thru the field and continued to accelerate until he got out frequency range. Those collars and transmitters can only be so powerful under the law. Once he got beyond that he could meander to his hearts content and the range was fairly limited, only about 50 feet or so.
50ft or so a dog chasing a squirrel/rabbit/cat can cross in seconds.


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They do have their limitations.

My dog has never attempted to penetrate the barrier.
I'm kinda a dog nut. I prefer stubborn breeds and prize intelligence in my pets. What can I say, I like a challenge. Two of my dogs are extremely stubborn and prey driven. Our neighborhood has it's share of rats, rabbits, possums, squirrels, snakes, groundhogs, etc.

Electronic fences that PETA would crucify me for using do NOT phase either of those dogs. They just twitch briefly and keep on going.


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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
It's only been in the last few years that I've realized that the dynamic in my house growing up wasn't "normal".

My awakening started when I realized that whenever I'd share stories about my nutjob family people would look at me like I'd grown a second head.

I used to play the filthy, drugged out voicemails one of my nutty sisters would leave me for my coworkers and one of them told me that if she hadn't heard it for herself she would have thought I was either making it up or exaggerating.

It was a real eye opener for her.

I'm not sure my hb knew people like my family existed before he met me.

Let's just say that her more people learn about my family the more impressive it becomes that I turned out ok.

Yet to me this was normal.

Everything is subject to perspective.
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I totally understand. I have actually been accused of making sh!t up because I was telling family stories. Doesn't everyone have a few convicts and drug addicts among their cousins? We've all gone out to celebrate our siblings birthdays and had a bar brawl where the cops got called, right? Don't we all have an uncle who thinks reading is bad for women because it gives them ideas? I'm sure a lot of people have an aunt and uncle who were openly in an open marriage rather than divorce. It's all common in big families because there's bound to be a few nuts in a large tree, right?

I realized young that my family wasn't normal through watching friends families. I kind of appreciate my family more because of it. At least they were entertaining and I did learn a lot of life pro tips watching them.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 08:03 AM
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Re: Normalcy

I grew up with WWII combat vets who later became alcoholics. They were happy drunks, having left their fighting days behind them.

Because of their antics, growing up in a nice middle class neighborhood was chaos and embarrassing for my siblings and me..

I followed in their combat boots, leaving the alcohol behind me...............well, 98 proof behind. A few beers are good!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 08:58 AM
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Re: Normalcy

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I grew up with WWII combat vets who later became alcoholics. They were happy drunks, having left their fighting days behind them.
Because of their antics, growing up in a nice middle class neighborhood was chaos and embarrassing for my siblings and me..

I followed in their combat boots, leaving the alcohol behind me...............well, 98 proof behind. A few beers are good!
My family were Vietnam and 1st Gulf War vets. Also mostly happy drunks. Also grew up in middle class neighborhoods. So many stories. So many. Most freakin hilarious to me, but would probably horrify more than a few posters.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 09:21 AM
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Re: Normalcy

A very keen observation, OP. Have been thinking about this lately. For whatever reason, discussing sex was so uncomfortable for my XH and the longer we were married, the more disinterested he became in sex in general. Divorce was a real eye-opener because I discovered some men actually like sex, embrace it, and are attracted to me as I am, in spite of the fact that I am not 20 and am a bit chubby for today's beauty standards. "Normal" in terms of sex, normal in terms of division of chores,normal in terms of parenting responsibilities; in contrast to you, though, the gap between what he thought was normal and what I thought was normal was what frustrated me, rather than the unhappiness with the accepted "normal" status quo. I felt like he was weird not to want to spend more, or any, time with his kid. He thought I was weird to expect him to spend time with his son when he got home. Lesson learned. Communication in detail is something we can all work on in our future interactions with the opposite sex. "Here's what I want" was something I felt guilty for saying in the past. I felt it was selfish. I have been working on my communication.

How much of women enjoying sex is because it's "new sex" do you think? I was pondering that too, because after a few months, the sex started to wane with my most recent BF (we broke up for other reasons). Maybe it's just the result of being with one person for so long?
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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 11:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Normalcy

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A very keen observation, OP. Have been thinking about this lately. For whatever reason, discussing sex was so uncomfortable for my XH and the longer we were married, the more disinterested he became in sex in general. Divorce was a real eye-opener because I discovered some men actually like sex, embrace it, and are attracted to me as I am, in spite of the fact that I am not 20 and am a bit chubby for today's beauty standards. "Normal" in terms of sex, normal in terms of division of chores,normal in terms of parenting responsibilities; in contrast to you, though, the gap between what he thought was normal and what I thought was normal was what frustrated me, rather than the unhappiness with the accepted "normal" status quo. I felt like he was weird not to want to spend more, or any, time with his kid. He thought I was weird to expect him to spend time with his son when he got home. Lesson learned. Communication in detail is something we can all work on in our future interactions with the opposite sex. "Here's what I want" was something I felt guilty for saying in the past. I felt it was selfish. I have been working on my communication.

How much of women enjoying sex is because it's "new sex" do you think? I was pondering that too, because after a few months, the sex started to wane with my most recent BF (we broke up for other reasons). Maybe it's just the result of being with one person for so long?
I have thought about your last statement as well. I don't really know. I do think that "new sex" is exciting. Neither of you are sure where the boundaries lie so exploring the new frontier is exciting. Even if you have talked about it before, you really don't know exactly what to expect until you experience it. I do think as limits become known and you realize that some things are a no go or things become routine, that the petals fall off the bloom. It may be that so far I have yet to meet someone who has just blown me away outside of the bedroom. I haven't really fallen for anybody yet. It may be that once that happens (falling for someone) the sex will just enhance the relationship rather than define it? Because so far all it has done is define it.

In the meantime I have met several different women, who have fallen for me, or at least claim to have. They have told me they love me, I am not really sure if it is because they expect me to want to hear that or if they really mean it. I think for some women saying they are in love makes having sex alright in their eyes so they say it so they don't think less of themselves. Just another aspect of life that I am learning about.

Right now, I am about learning as much about myself as I can so that I can find what I truly want out of life. I really don't know. I just have to continue exploring until I find out.

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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 12:21 PM
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Re: Normalcy

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How much of women enjoying sex is because it's "new sex" do you think? I was pondering that too, because after a few months, the sex started to wane with my most recent BF (we broke up for other reasons). Maybe it's just the result of being with one person for so long?
I've been with DH for 16 years. My interest in and enjoyment of sex with him has never waned and I attribute that mutual chemical and psychological compatibility. In other words, we're physically attracted to each other and our individual crazy bits mesh well.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 12:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Normalcy

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I've been with DH for 16 years. My interest in and enjoyment of sex with him has never waned and I attribute that mutual chemical and psychological compatibility. In other words, we're physically attracted to each other and our individual crazy bits mesh well.
Some people (the minority it seems) are able to have long mutually beneficial relationships - congrats. But for most people that isn't the case, hence the oft cited 50% divorce rate, high rates of infidelity, cheating and affairs and the number unhappy marriages.
I am not down playing your situation, just stating that your is the exception and not the rule. I would have loved to have remained married (even unhappily given where my mind was at the time). As I have moved away from my marriage I realize I was laboring under many of the assumptions and expectations of others. Now, I am operating from my own. At this point I do not know if I will ever be able to be happy without the occassional "newness" that comes from a new partner.


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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 12:55 PM
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Re: Normalcy

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Now, I am operating from my own. At this point I do not know if I will ever be able to be happy without the occassional "newness" that comes from a new partner.
You've also said that you haven't fallen for anyone, that you've never been really into anyone. Those feelings are physically and emotionally intense and game changing. But, yeah, even the best pairing can get a bit "meh" after a time. In the immortal words of Chris Rock "Gotta make that old pvssy new again!" Avoid ruts and boredom by always continuing to learn and evolve. Explore. Experiment.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 01:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Normalcy

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You've also said that you haven't fallen for anyone, that you've never been really into anyone. Those feelings are physically and emotionally intense and game changing. But, yeah, even the best pairing can get a bit "meh" after a time. In the immortal words of Chris Rock "Gotta make that old pvssy new again!" Avoid ruts and boredom by always continuing to learn and evolve. Explore. Experiment.
No argument from me, just recognize that it takes two to tango. My ex wasn't willing, able or capable, so it didn't matter. I had tried to shake things up, do different things, try new things, experiment but always met with resistance, apathy or rejection. Just one other thing for you to remember - in my 16th year I would probably have agreed with you 100% but not so much after 24 years.

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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 03:46 PM
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Re: Normalcy

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No argument from me, just recognize that it takes two to tango. My ex wasn't willing, able or capable, so it didn't matter. I had tried to shake things up, do different things, try new things, experiment but always met with resistance, apathy or rejection. Just one other thing for you to remember - in my 16th year I would probably have agreed with you 100% but not so much after 24 years.
Which seems to be a common problem. Incompatibility. Either in terms of sexual tastes and adventurousness or in terms of sexual attraction or both.

Personally, I prefer to have sex and conversations about sexual style, experiences, etc early on. If there are signs of incompatibility or hints of lukewarm attraction of either side, I move on.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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