Post divorce I am coming to find out that what was happening in my marriage was not "normal". I have come to understand, that for most of us, whatever is/was going on is typically accepted as normal. I was married for 24 years. So for 24 years what happened in my marriage became my norm. I didn't realize it at that time, but it was this acceptance that had made me so unhappy.
Now as I go out into this new unexplored world of being a middle aged single guy, meeting lots of other divorced men and women, I am discovering that what I had was not normal. In fact what I am finding out, is that there really is no normal. Reality is not normal or unnormal, but is either acceptable or not.
I was convinced, that vanilla duty sex was the best that could be expected, because that was all I knew. I was convinced that being a walking ATM was my lot in life, because that was all I knew. I was convinced that ceding my happiness to another was expected, because that was all I knew.
All of that made me very unhappy. I just was waiting to die. When it ended I wanted to die, I was devastated because everything I thought I knew was destroyed before my eyes. All of the things I had accepted were no longer there to be accepted.
Now I am finding out that there are women (lots of them it seems) that seek out and enjoy sex. That sex is not considered a duty, but rather a celebration of life. That there are women, who truly do not want to taken care of. Women who take pride in their independence and real self sufficiency. I understand that I am responsible for my own happiness. And truly for the first time in my life, I am happy by my own actions and not dependent on others.
I know I have said this before, but I truly mean it - this is probably no surprise to some of you, but to me these are revelations and epiphanies.
At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!