Normalcy - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 07:47 AM Thread Starter
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Normalcy

Post divorce I am coming to find out that what was happening in my marriage was not "normal". I have come to understand, that for most of us, whatever is/was going on is typically accepted as normal. I was married for 24 years. So for 24 years what happened in my marriage became my norm. I didn't realize it at that time, but it was this acceptance that had made me so unhappy.
Now as I go out into this new unexplored world of being a middle aged single guy, meeting lots of other divorced men and women, I am discovering that what I had was not normal. In fact what I am finding out, is that there really is no normal. Reality is not normal or unnormal, but is either acceptable or not.
I was convinced, that vanilla duty sex was the best that could be expected, because that was all I knew. I was convinced that being a walking ATM was my lot in life, because that was all I knew. I was convinced that ceding my happiness to another was expected, because that was all I knew.
All of that made me very unhappy. I just was waiting to die. When it ended I wanted to die, I was devastated because everything I thought I knew was destroyed before my eyes. All of the things I had accepted were no longer there to be accepted.
Now I am finding out that there are women (lots of them it seems) that seek out and enjoy sex. That sex is not considered a duty, but rather a celebration of life. That there are women, who truly do not want to taken care of. Women who take pride in their independence and real self sufficiency. I understand that I am responsible for my own happiness. And truly for the first time in my life, I am happy by my own actions and not dependent on others.
I know I have said this before, but I truly mean it - this is probably no surprise to some of you, but to me these are revelations and epiphanies.


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post #2 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 07:54 AM
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Re: Normalcy

Is amazing isn't it? I look back at all the things i had to endure and ask myself, why didn't I get out sooner? What in the world was I thinking? But the way I see it, all that made me stronger and never again I will take crap from any female.. After 19 years of marriage, now is my time to live

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post #3 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 08:13 AM
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Re: Normalcy

Congrats, normal is subjective. Look no further than culture and how alien it feels to be in a different country. Do the Fisty method and question yourself and ask yourself why and how does this make me feel.

I was reading a story on another forum where the OP discovered she was not happy being married and loved the serial dating life, I have a friend that feels the same way, I know of people happily married for several decades and never lost that in-love feeling. They act like teenagers even though middle-aged. My aunt has a bf she only sees on the weekend. I ran across a couple where the husband is gay but is in-love with his wife but they do not have sex together and have an open marriage to give each other what they need sexually outside the marriage.

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post #4 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 08:39 AM
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Re: Normalcy

Good for you Ynot. I agree completely with your observation. All of this is a process and everyone is moving along at their own speed. I think that the less attached you are to a life partner the more choices you end up with on how you want to live your life, so single life really works well for self discovery. This is especially true for people that had a less than optimal marriage and had to sacrifice parts of themselves for their spouse. Enjoy the ride and wherever it takes you, my friend.
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post #5 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-09-2016, 09:01 AM
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Re: Normalcy

It brings to mind the "Invisible Fence" that dog owners bury in their yard.

The dogs wear a high-pitch emitting noise collar. When the dog gets near the energized underground transmitter [cable] it "lights up" the collar; the noise forcing the dog backwards.

When a man gets married, he gladly puts on a similar collar. What he does not realize is the batteries in the collar go dead after the honeymoon period. Any further high-pitched noise [after that] then commences from DW.

Some men test and re-test the collar. Some men do not.

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post #6 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 12:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Normalcy

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It brings to mind the "Invisible Fence" that dog owners bury in their yard.

The dogs wear a high-pitch emitting noise collar. When the dog gets near the energized underground transmitter [cable] it "lights up" the collar; the noise forcing the dog backwards.

When a man gets married, he gladly puts on a similar collar. What he does not realize is the batteries in the collar go dead after the honeymoon period. Any further high-pitched noise [after that] then commences from DW.

Some men test and re-test the collar. Some men do not.
Funny. We had two dogs. A Golden Retriever that was beautiful but dumber than dirt and a mutt that was as smart as a whip. I put up an invisible fence. The golden would hear the beep and would stop and go no further. The mutt would gather his steam, bolt thru the fence, yelping all the way, go out and party for a day or so and then come back dragging some dead creature it killed. In the meantime, the golden would pretty much kill any plants (especially flowers) within the fenced area.
So I decided to enclose an area with a real physical fence to contain both of them. I used my side yard, which was bigger than most city lots (about 50x100) and put up a woven wire fence. I decided I would keep it mowed but didn't bother planting anything else. So far so good - for about a week!
The golden would go along the fence looking for one weak weld. She would then work the wires with her nose until all the welds around it failed and there would be a hole big enough for her to go thru. She would then wander around the rest of the yard (3+acres) killing whatever flowers were there. In the meantime the mutt refused to go thru the same gaping hole in the fence despite the fact that it was way more than big enough for him to get thru.
I finally just gave up. The golden was old and wasn't going to last much longer anyways. I didn't plant many more flowers, but I also didn't bury any more ground hogs, rabbits, squirrels or occasional deer or deer part the mutt dragged home from his adventures.

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post #7 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 02:33 PM
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Re: Normalcy

Clarity.

It is an amazing thing isn't it?
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post #8 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 03:33 PM
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Re: Normalcy

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Originally Posted by Mr.Fisty View Post
Congrats, normal is subjective.
QFT

@Ynot
Glad you had this epiphany. Many of us are unable to get out of our own heads. We live in a bubble of our own making. We think our experiences, thoughts, relationships are normative.

...people live their lives bound by what they accept as correct and true... that is how they define reality. But what does it mean to be correct or true? Merely vague concepts... their reality may all be an illusion. ― Uchiha Itachi (from the Japanese comic book, Naruto, chapter 385)

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post #9 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 04:05 PM
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Re: Normalcy

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In fact what I am finding out, is that there really is no normal. Reality is not normal or unnormal, but is either acceptable or not.
I like this part of your post the best and of course I completely agree with it. We all have our dealbreakers, and we draw our line in the sand in very different places. As we gain more experience, and self confidence, that line gets moved forward, sometimes by quite a distance.

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Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
It brings to mind the "Invisible Fence" that dog owners bury in their yard.

The dogs wear a high-pitch emitting noise collar. When the dog gets near the energized underground transmitter [cable] it "lights up" the collar; the noise forcing the dog backwards.
That's a completely inaccurate description of how an electric fence works. For starters -and anyone who reads this can easily nod their head without knowing a thing about electric fences- "noise cannot force a dog backwards".
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post #10 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 04:49 PM
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Re: Normalcy

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That's a completely inaccurate description of how an electric fence works. For starters -and anyone who reads this can easily nod their head without knowing a thing about electric fences- "noise cannot force a dog backwards".
*nodding*

The e-fences I have seen all use shock at various levels to keep the animal contained. Which, for some dogs, is useless.

As they approach the e-fence, the collar sends a small electric current. The current, and discomfort, increase as the animal gets closer to the fence. However, those collars have a range and if the dog just runs through, it's only uncomfortable for moments before the dog has exceeded the range and is then totally lose.

Also, e-fences can actually teach a dog NOT to come back. If the dog runs passed the range of the collar and then decides to return, the collar will send current when the dog is back in range and will shock the dog for coming back as well as for leaving.

@Ynot I have questions!

What was your parents relationship like? Were they (either together or in other marriages) in a happy and affectionate relationship? Did you have other sexual relationships before with partners who were into sex with you? I just don't understand how people like yourself end up thinking it's normal to be in a duty sex when required businesslike marriage. Did you have no life experience and/or observations that showed you loving and passionate long term relationships?


Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #11 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 05:43 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Normalcy

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post

@Ynot I have questions!

What was your parents relationship like? Were they (either together or in other marriages) in a happy and affectionate relationship? Did you have other sexual relationships before with partners who were into sex with you? I just don't understand how people like yourself end up thinking it's normal to be in a duty sex when required businesslike marriage. Did you have no life experience and/or observations that showed you loving and passionate long term relationships?
My mother died when I was between the 8th grade and freshman year of HS. She had been sick for the prior three years. before that i was too young to have even paid attention to what a "normal' family was. My dad dove into the bottle after that. I lived my teen age years as pretty much a feral creature. My dad later married and went on to live a fairly normal life. He and my step mother fought a lot but I was on my own by this point.

The reality was that I never really had any positive male role models growing up. At the time I should have been learning about relationships, dating, and women - I wasn't. In many ways women were a mystery to me and I often placed them pedestals, I know I did that with my ex. Sex was a mystery to me as well, even before I met my ex. I had had several GFs, most typically because I felt if they accepted me, then that was the best I could hope for. I never felt worthy enough.
When I met my wife I was nearing 30, She had a son from a previous marriage. She was interested in me and I didn't want to be alone any longer. It was largely the "perfect" co-dependency relationship. I did whatever to keep the relationship going because I was afraid of being lonely
Now I have had the opportunity to reflect and to grow. I realize I have value. I have worth. I have a successful business. I am a good looking man but most of all I am not afraid to be alone anymore.
I had had the mindset of scarcity and I was afraid to lose the "one", now I realize that there isn't "one" in fact there are many and the best thing of all is that I get my pick of as few or as many as want.

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post #12 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 06:11 PM
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Re: Normalcy

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My mother died when I was between the 8th grade and freshman year of HS. She had been sick for the prior three years. before that i was too young to have even paid attention to what a "normal' family was. My dad dove into the bottle after that. I lived my teen age years as pretty much a feral creature. My dad later married and went on to live a fairly normal life. He and my step mother fought a lot but I was on my own by this point.

The reality was that I never really had any positive male role models growing up. At the time I should have been learning about relationships, dating, and women - I wasn't. In many ways women were a mystery to me and I often placed them pedestals, I know I did that with my ex. Sex was a mystery to me as well, even before I met my ex. I had had several GFs, most typically because I felt if they accepted me, then that was the best I could hope for. I never felt worthy enough.
When I met my wife I was nearing 30, She had a son from a previous marriage. She was interested in me and I didn't want to be alone any longer. It was largely the "perfect" co-dependency relationship. I did whatever to keep the relationship going because I was afraid of being lonely
Now I have had the opportunity to reflect and to grow. I realize I have value. I have worth. I have a successful business. I am a good looking man but most of all I am not afraid to be alone anymore.
I had had the mindset of scarcity and I was afraid to lose the "one", now I realize that there isn't "one" in fact there are many and the best thing of all is that I get my pick of as few or as many as want.
I'm happy for you that you've finally realized your own value.

It's kind of funny. You were unhappily married because you were afraid to be alone and I am happily married which has made me afraid to be alone.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #13 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 06:17 PM
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Re: Normalcy

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As they approach the e-fence, the collar sends a small electric current. The current, and discomfort, increase as the animal gets closer to the fence.
The newer ones work that way. The Petsafe Yardmax has that feature, it's the one I use. The older or cheaper models only shock the dog as they cross the fence, some of them don't even have the warning tone feature.

As you may expect the ones that first warn the dog with tone and then increase in severity as the dog approaches the barrier tend to work the best. The better ones even continue to increase AFTER the dog crosses the fence to encourage it to return to the yard.
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post #14 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 06:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Normalcy

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The newer ones work that way. The Petsafe Yardmax has that feature, it's the one I use. The older or cheaper models only shock the dog as they cross the fence, some of them don't even have the warning tone feature.

As you may expect the ones that first warn the dog with tone and then increase in severity as the dog approaches the barrier tend to work the best. The better ones even continue to increase AFTER the dog crosses the fence to encourage it to return to the yard.
That didn't slow down our dog. He blew right thru the field and continued to accelerate until he got out frequency range. Those collars and transmitters can only be so powerful under the law. Once he got beyond that he could meander to his hearts content and the range was fairly limited, only about 50 feet or so.

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post #15 of 28 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 07:03 PM
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Re: Normalcy

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That didn't slow down our dog. He blew right thru the field and continued to accelerate until he got out frequency range. Those collars and transmitters can only be so powerful under the law. Once he got beyond that he could meander to his hearts content and the range was fairly limited, only about 50 feet or so.
They do have their limitations.

My dog has never attempted to penetrate the barrier.
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