Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 07:42 AM Thread Starter
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Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

So, I have backed off from dating for several months now and just focused on myself. I have been divorced about 3 years, had one somewhat serious relationship, one mostly just physical relationship, and met many women online dating since my divorce.

I have worked with some life coaches and it has been suggested to me that once a person is really clear on what they really want, they can focus on those things and it will be more likely to attract that into my life.

(Incidentally, I have been told-- and it is true-- that my 'story to myself' is that I am not good enough; and therefore tend to be approval seeking and become, over time, needy in relationships-- so this is the main reason I am trying self improvement over random dating-and-hoping-it-turns-out-great)

I have some cards with about 100 or so 'characteristics' on them, and I have gone through what jumped out at me as 'more important', but I am finding that actual questions, from mundane to value-based to shallow/physical, may help me envision that person better. I am requesting anyone to throw out any questions that you think may be helpful in this exercise as I have googled it and found nothing specific to this. Obviously some questions will be less important to some than others, but even just considering them will help with clarification.

Some examples-- from a conversation with a life coach:

What kind of relationship do you want? ( I said committed and exclusive but not living together)
Is she educated? How much?
Does she have a job?
What is her body type?
How tall is she?
Does she have kids?
Is she into fitness and health?
Is she powerful?
Where does she live?
Does she like to go out often/social butterfly?
Is she a vegetarian?
Is she Caucasian?

Any thoughts are appreciated.

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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 08:13 AM
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

I'll chime in here. After my divorce I started dating for the first time in 20 years. I was on a online dating site for all of two weeks before my DH asked me out. So dating history part duex for myself ended very quickly.

So as you can imagine, I am obviously an expert at it with my huge 14 day resume

I think your questions are a great springboard. They can start you off weeding out ones that aren't a good match if their answer is opposite of what you are looking for. Then the ball will probably start rolling and you will have a lot more questions you will think of.

For me, maybe I was weird, but I was more focused on the things that were nonnegotiable. If they didn't check those boxes, I knew there was no point in wasting mine or their time. I also had a very clear idea of what I did want, so i asked similar questions that were more lighthearted like yours above.

I had YEARS in a dead marriage to determine what I wanted, so once the time came that I was finally free, I felt as ready as one could be at that point.

Good luck, watch out for drama queens, spoiled brats, and Catfish!!!!

You will get much better answers here shortly when he rest of the gang chimes in.

Have fun!

Ciao,

Spicy
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 08:39 AM
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

The typical questions I think about are:

1. Do we find each other mutually attractive and are we highly sexually compatible
2. Is she a good person and can we have honest/open discussions
3. Do I think she'd be good for me as a long term or short term relationship
4. Are there any deal breakers such as alcoholic/drug addict/history of cheating/high maintenance personality/unable to handle finances responsibly
5. Do I want to give up part of my freedom for a relationship with this woman

BTW, I'd disagree with your lifecoach. The best way to attract the perfect mate is not have a mold that you are trying to fit her into. Instead have a few basic things (like mine above) and be open to the possibility of a relationship to develop if/when you meet the right person. In the meantime learn to be happy with yourself and develop a strong independent and confident personality. If you have direction in your life and confidence you'll meet women everywhere. Heck, I just chatted up a beautiful woman that was flirting heavily with me and we met because of a clerical error at my work that I was addressing.
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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 08:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

It is not meant to be a hard-core set 'mold'. It is meant to clarify intentions instead of just going along with whatever I come across as I have done in the past. The questions I am looking for are regarding a hypothetical person as I am not currently dating anyone so I cannot really answer the more vague questions -- and of course at the end of the day I am not going to find anyone who is exactly perfect, but the more I can get detailed the more I can visualize/imagine, hence the exercise with specific questions.
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 09:02 AM
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

OP, additional things to consider in a good match:
- belief system (values, religion, etc.)
- attitudes (liberal or conservative, proactive or reactive, etc.)
- personality type (introvert or extrovert, etc.)
- compatible, sustainable libido, and range of sexual activities

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 09:27 AM
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

I found that I did pretty well with just a few basic questions to keep in mind when meeting new prospective partners:

Are any of my hard-and-fast deal-breakers present?
Is there mutual attraction?
Do I enjoy my time with this person and seek to spend more time with them?
Do they enhance my life?
Do they give as much as they take - financially, emotionally, verbally, intellectually, in level of effort, in level of respect, etc.?
Do we want the same type of relationship?
Do we share compatible values and goals?

Beyond that, anything else is pretty much just fine details. And getting to know someone is all about learning those fine details. I, personally, think it's a good idea to start not with a list of requirements or wants, but with a list of absolute deal-breakers. If any of those deal-breakers is present, you just politely walk away. That way, you're not wasting anyone's time and no one is wasting yours. And, you avoid things you can't/shouldn't tolerate before all those pesky emotions or sex hormones show up to cloud judgement. If there are no deal-breakers, then it's time to start looking further into whether or not the two of you are compatible for whatever type of relationship you'd like to have.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 09:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

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Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
I found that I did pretty well with just a few basic questions to keep in mind when meeting new prospective partners:

Are any of my hard-and-fast deal-breakers present?
Is there mutual attraction?
Do I enjoy my time with this person and seek to spend more time with them?
Do they enhance my life?
Do they give as much as they take - financially, emotionally, verbally, intellectually, in level of effort, in level of respect, etc.?
Do we want the same type of relationship?
Do we share compatible values and goals?

Beyond that, anything else is pretty much just fine details. And getting to know someone is all about learning those fine details. I, personally, think it's a good idea to start not with a list of requirements or wants, but with a list of absolute deal-breakers. If any of those deal-breakers is present, you just politely walk away. That way, you're not wasting anyone's time and no one is wasting yours. And, you avoid things you can't/shouldn't tolerate before all those pesky emotions or sex hormones show up to cloud judgement. If there are no deal-breakers, then it's time to start looking further into whether or not the two of you are compatible for whatever type of relationship you'd like to have.
Ok, again, this is an exercise in visualization and clarification, so the specific details are the exact point. So, instead of 'do we share compatible values and goals?' maybe 'is she a practicing Christian? Does she go to church?'

So, despite everyone's best intentions, I am in fact asking for questions that would lead to a very specific person, as the questions in my OP tend to lead to.
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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
OP, additional things to consider in a good match:
- belief system (values, religion, etc.)
- attitudes (liberal or conservative, proactive or reactive, etc.)
- personality type (introvert or extrovert, etc.)
- compatible, sustainable libido, and range of sexual activities
Thank you. To make these into questions I would ask myself....

Is she Christian/Jewish/Muslim/Hindu/atheist?
Is she conservative or liberal? Is she very passionate about politics?
Does she love sex? Is she interested in exploring sexual experiences?
Is she an introvert or extrovert?

(as a side note, every online dating profile ever: I love to have a good time out on the town but I also like staying in, cuddling on the couch and watching a good movie)
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 10:51 AM
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

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So, despite everyone's best intentions, I am in fact asking for questions that would lead to a very specific person, as the questions in my OP tend to lead to.
Then you are cutting off you nose to spite your face. How can you know if that "very specific person" is truly what is best for you if you don't know what your options are? Instead I would look at what you absolutely cannot accept - perhaps do they smoke? drink? whatever. And go from there. You may be surprised at what you find.
Following you "life coach" who in reality has no way of knowing what is best for you than you do yourself is a fool's errand. The only way to find what you want is to not be afraid of making mistakes, and in fact making as many as you can along the way and learning from them.
Good luck!

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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 11:02 AM
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

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(as a side note, every online dating profile ever: I love to have a good time out on the town but I also like staying in, cuddling on the couch and watching a good movie)
That's so boring. Don't you get the urge to mess with people that have that on their profile? Here's what I'd post as a reply to them (feel free to use or modify):

Not into cuddling on the couch and watching movies. Instead lets dress up like ninjas and break into construction sites at night. I care far less about your looks or career goals than whether you have money for bail.

Signed,
A bad influence

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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 11:07 AM
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

Just realize that being so specific, you will essentially be looking for a unicorn.

I would recommend that you develop a list of deal breakers that are a positive go or no-go for you and work from that instead. Relationships, just like life, are a series of compromises that have to be made in order for things to work. You have your few absolutes that you hold dear but the rest you are flexible.
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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 11:16 AM
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

I don't know if this helps but I think when out on a date observing how your date treats service people is a big tell.

Are they rude/pleasant service people? Do they say please and thank you?
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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 11:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

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Then you are cutting off you nose to spite your face. How can you know if that "very specific person" is truly what is best for you if you don't know what your options are? Instead I would look at what you absolutely cannot accept - perhaps do they smoke? drink? whatever. And go from there. You may be surprised at what you find.
Following you "life coach" who in reality has no way of knowing what is best for you than you do yourself is a fool's errand. The only way to find what you want is to not be afraid of making mistakes, and in fact making as many as you can along the way and learning from them.
Good luck!
Ok. I get it. You think this is not the right way to look for someone. Duly noted.

I am engaging in an exercise that does ask certain questions that lead to specific answers. It's an exercise. Deal-breakers are easy, this is far more difficult. And yes, it is fluid.

So...on that note, if anyone has any interesting questions that require answers that would designate a specific characteristic, I would love to hear, and think about it.

Another example is...what colour is her hair? If I answer to myself, in this moment, brown, it does not mean that I would never ever be interested in any woman with blonde hair again.

Life coaching. Therapy. You engage in self-exploration. The goal in this particular case is to NOT be wishy-washy and state in this moment a specific intention.
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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 11:32 AM
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

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Just realize that being so specific, you will essentially be looking for a unicorn.

I would recommend that you develop a list of deal breakers that are a positive go or no-go for you and work from that instead. Relationships, just like life, are a series of compromises that have to be made in order for things to work. You have your few absolutes that you hold dear but the rest you are flexible.
Unicorns exist - I dated four of them in close succession. I had some very eclectic preferences, which would not apply for most people. Even so, one was far more compatible than the others, so that's the one I kept.

You are right, though, that the bottom line is identifying and avoiding deal breaker issues, and finding someone who then matches your non-negotiable must-haves. I got lucky. I also think that you can compromise too much, and sometimes it is better to be alone and looking than to give up too much of what you really want (as long as you are realistic).

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 11-10-2016, 12:04 PM
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Re: Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person

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Ok. I get it. You think this is not the right way to look for someone. Duly noted.

I am engaging in an exercise that does ask certain questions that lead to specific answers. It's an exercise. Deal-breakers are easy, this is far more difficult. And yes, it is fluid.

So...on that note, if anyone has any interesting questions that require answers that would designate a specific characteristic, I would love to hear, and think about it.

Another example is...what colour is her hair? If I answer to myself, in this moment, brown, it does not mean that I would never ever be interested in any woman with blonde hair again.

Life coaching. Therapy. You engage in self-exploration. The goal in this particular case is to NOT be wishy-washy and state in this moment a specific intention.
It isn't a matter of looking for someone. It is a matter of finding yourself. You can ask and answer specific questions until you are blue in the face, but until you discover who you are, it won't matter. The idea that others have offered you concerning deal breakers are part of that effort. Ignore them at your choosing, but your quest will probably end in failure, because the 5'6 125 lb long brown haired, caucasian of eastern European ancestry, blue eyed woman with a college degree, two adult children and an established career in the biomedical field who owns her own newer 2 story home in the suburbs and drives a small SUV may not be the right person for you because she may not desire you since you are more interested in what she is than who you are.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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