What do you do with the rebound? - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

User Tag List

 12Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 08:38 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 11
What do you do with the rebound?

I started hanging out with a friend I've known for years after the divorce and it turns out he doesn't see it the same way I do. He is such a sweetheart and I've loved the attention and feeling attractive again, but he wants way more from the relationship than I can give. We are great talking on the phone and hanging out once in a while, (he lives a couple of hours away so we don't see each other much,) but I know I can't build a future with him. We are way too different and would want to change too many things about each other. I haven't/won't sleep with him because I don't believe in sex outside of a committed relationship and I know that when this ends it will be way worse for both of us if we have shared that kind of intimacy. On the other hand, after a long marriage where lack of sex was not an issue, I definitely miss it. I know he can tell and doesn't understand my faith or why I won't just enjoy sex for the sake of pleasure.
I'm so torn between feeling like I'm using this relationship to stall going through what I need to to heal from the divorce, but also loving feeling warmth, affection and emotional intimacy, (all of which was sorely lacking in my marriage.) I've actually been very open in my communication. I've told him this is rebound, he is going to get hurt, I need to date and figure out what I want in life, that I won't sleep with him, and that our differences in faith are a deal breaker, but he just patiently listens, nods, and changes the subject.
I feel like I'm being a selfish jerk letting this go on, but I crave time with him so much! I want to push him away because some of his lifestyle choices drive me so crazy, but I don't want to be alone. If I end the relationship, I'll regret it, if I keep going, I'll regret it.
Is this what everyone goes through after divorce?

Spellbound is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 09:11 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,304
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

You just want a relationship. You don't want him.

End it now.
225985 is offline  
post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 09:39 AM
Member
 
Spicy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Depends on time of year
Posts: 761
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

"These are not the droids your looking for." - Obi Wan

He is not the guy for you. Start distancing yourself now. Or a lot more hurt and regret is going to come of it.

Ciao,

Spicy
Spicy is offline  
 
post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 10:02 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,060
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

End this relationship. it is preventing you from learning the real lesson of you past. Which is to NOT be afraid of being alone. As long as you are afraid of being alone you will continue to settle. Before you can love another you have to love your self. Being afraid of being alone is a sign that you don't love your self, despite whatever you tell yourself.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is offline  
post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 01:01 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 533
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

I'm not clear whether you're dating this guy or not? Is he a friend who likes you? Or are you dating him?
joannacroc is offline  
post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 09:16 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 11
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

To be honest, I'm not really sure. I'm not "dating" yet, but we spend time watching movies or TV and talk. Since we live so far apart, we have stayed at each other's houses with the visitor staying in the guest room. We only see each other once a month at the most. To me, dating would be with the intention of pursuing a relationship and be romantic. We have grabbed fast food or gone to the movies, but I paid for my own food/tickets. I'm interested in seeing other people eventually, but have been clear that I'm still in the first year of divorce so the couple of guys that might ask me out have kept their distance. I joke that I should have a big neon warning sign over my head.
I got married really young so I'm not sure what the rules are for dating in the adult world these days. It seems like everyone expects sex and without it you aren't really dating. So, if by dating you mean, him taking me out, us being physically intimate, then no, we aren't dating. If by dating you mean spending time together without chaperones, then yes, we are dating.
Spellbound is offline  
post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 09:19 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 11
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

How much time "alone" is enough for the healing to happen? I'm very extroverted, but didn't think that meant I don't love myself. I'm an endurance athlete so I spend a lot of time alone with my thoughts, (don't like to train with earbuds in, seems too unsafe.}
Spellbound is offline  
post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 09:37 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Satya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,758
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

You say you don't want to hurt him, but by not taking any real action on your part to end the relationship, you are allowing the bond between you to grow, thus making it harder to separate later.

Cut the tethers now.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
Satya is offline  
post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 07:58 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 11
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

This has given me a lot of food for thought. I'm really asking myself about how I am when I'm alone. My marriage was really lonely and I finally started going and doing things alone instead of waiting around and resenting that we didn't do things together. I enjoyed many sunsets, walks in the woods, meals, and adventures alone, but always felt like it would be nice to have someone to share it with. My ex not only didn't want to join me, he didn't want to hear about it either and was irritated that I wasn't sitting home waiting on him to give me a few moments of attention, usually in the form of robotic sex. I feel like life is meant to be shared. I'm not afraid of being alone so much as bored with it.
I canceled my plans next weekend with my male friend and only talked to him a few minutes today. Everyone is right, I need to end this for his sake. It has actually become kind of demanding and high maintenance, but it has been an eye opener to be around a man that doesn't get upset about everything, thinks its cute when I get excited about little things, like an amazing sunset, and just rolls his eyes and chuckles when I get worked up about something that rattles me. It's refreshing to be around someone that isn't negative or angry all the time.
I suppose relationships are never simple, even casual ones.
Spellbound is offline  
post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 08:12 PM
Member
 
Bibi1031's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: texas
Posts: 1,807
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

You use, abuse and then let go and never, ever marry the rebound!

If you don't want to use and abuse, then you set the rebound free.


Good things come to those who wait...greater things come to those who get off their a$$ and do anything to make it happen.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Bibi1031 is offline  
post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 08:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,060
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spellbound View Post
How much time "alone" is enough for the healing to happen? I'm very extroverted, but didn't think that meant I don't love myself. I'm an endurance athlete so I spend a lot of time alone with my thoughts, (don't like to train with earbuds in, seems too unsafe.}
I don't think you necessarily need to be "alone" at all. You just have to be ok with your self. There are many people who are alone in the midst of people simply because they have never been ok with them selves. On the other hand there are people who spend vast amounts of time all by them selves and they are perfectly fine with that. Just accept your self and do what you feel is comfortable. Expect to make mistakes and learn from them. That is the only true way to learn. I think a lot of the fear of being alone stems from the fear that making a mistake is why you are lonely.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is offline  
post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 03:54 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 11
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
I think a lot of the fear of being alone stems from the fear that making a mistake is why you are lonely.
I'm not quite following here. Do you mean that fearing I made a mistake in divorcing my ex is why I'm lonely?
Spellbound is offline  
post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 11:58 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,060
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spellbound View Post
I'm not quite following here. Do you mean that fearing I made a mistake in divorcing my ex is why I'm lonely?
No I meant that fearing you will make a mistake is why you are lonely. I didn't say anything about your ex. You will be always be lonely, until you learn to be happy with just your self. Being happy with your self means you need to accept you will make mistakes. Not wanting to be alone with them self is the biggest mistake most people make. Many people settle for less than what they want because they don't want to make a mistake and end up lonely. Go out and make mistakes and stop overthinking things.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is offline  
post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-14-2016, 08:32 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 11
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

Ah, okay, got it. I've been on a couple of failed dates, LOL, thanks to the mistake of a short lived Match.com account.
I definitely won't settle for this guy. He is sweet as all get out, but if one of the nice guys from church asks me out, I will definitely go! It is hard because I really am fond of my friend, but I know I don't feel the same way he does.
Spellbound is offline  
post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-15-2016, 01:46 PM
Member
 
RandomDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 11,150
Re: What do you do with the rebound?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spellbound View Post
I started hanging out with a friend I've known for years after the divorce and it turns out he doesn't see it the same way I do. He is such a sweetheart and I've loved the attention and feeling attractive again, but he wants way more from the relationship than I can give. We are great talking on the phone and hanging out once in a while, (he lives a couple of hours away so we don't see each other much,) but I know I can't build a future with him. We are way too different and would want to change too many things about each other. I haven't/won't sleep with him because I don't believe in sex outside of a committed relationship and I know that when this ends it will be way worse for both of us if we have shared that kind of intimacy. On the other hand, after a long marriage where lack of sex was not an issue, I definitely miss it. I know he can tell and doesn't understand my faith or why I won't just enjoy sex for the sake of pleasure.
I'm so torn between feeling like I'm using this relationship to stall going through what I need to to heal from the divorce, but also loving feeling warmth, affection and emotional intimacy, (all of which was sorely lacking in my marriage.) I've actually been very open in my communication. I've told him this is rebound, he is going to get hurt, I need to date and figure out what I want in life, that I won't sleep with him, and that our differences in faith are a deal breaker, but he just patiently listens, nods, and changes the subject.
I feel like I'm being a selfish jerk letting this go on, but I crave time with him so much! I want to push him away because some of his lifestyle choices drive me so crazy, but I don't want to be alone. If I end the relationship, I'll regret it, if I keep going, I'll regret it.
Is this what everyone goes through after divorce?
Then IMO it's his fault. Stop feeling guilty over other people's decisions. I learnt that recently, it's a liberating thing.
RandomDude is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The singles of TAM muskrat Life After Divorce 34768 01-27-2017 02:21 PM
Ongoing Separation and Feelings Rebound scienist2 Going Through Divorce or Separation 11 12-19-2015 11:16 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome