Do you ask dates if they have cheated? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 04:03 AM
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Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

date ?


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post #32 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 07:35 AM
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Cool Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

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I think few people will answer honestly if they have cheated, especially early in the dating process. Some may have, but learned their lesson, and don't want their past to affect their future. Many will be offended, even if they answer the question honestly or have never cheated. I would be offended, and I've never cheated - asking would indicate a lack of trust or perhaps lasting damage from a prior relationship, and raises a red flag for me. This is a discussion (along with many other questions) that I might be willing to have if we are getting very serious about a lasting relationship. Mostly, I trust my judgment about people and will go with that if I'm interested in them. So far, it hasn't been an issue or problem.
In my dotage, I have preeminently become a walking, talking "lie detector" of sorts!

And while I may wait until the later stages of a dating relationship to ever foster the cajones to ask that question, just watching for a wrenching reaction from the sheer deniability of the person will tell me so much more than I could ever begin to hope for!

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post #33 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 08:03 AM
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Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

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I actually ask and bring it up before we meet for the first time. I tell them my stance on it and that I won't be with a former cheater. You would think and people will tell you that "well they will just lie" but not true. Most of them are so engrained in the rug sweep, justification, don't judge me mode, that they will want to explain to you how they are the "exception to the rule". I mean it's scary how good this works.
Well said! This is a topic you definitely don't want to bring up early in a relationship and even if you did at one point I doubt whether you would get an honest answer. Some figure it's all about putting on the best face possible even if it's not true. I made the mistake of asking my wife whether she expected to be a SAHM and I, naturally thought she wouldn't lie about that but she did anyway. To her, in some way it was justified to lie about it. Those who have cheated probably have justified it so much to themselves they know exactly how to rugsweep it to prevent any negative consequence.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #34 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 08:05 AM
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Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

Ive never asked anyone that when I was dating. I wonder if the guy i dated who cheated on me, is telling others about it. Doubtful. lol

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post #35 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 01:33 AM
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Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

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Then other people will say that people don't change, so their past will tell you their future behavior. Well, that's not 100% either, because I know that I myself HAVE changed.
I'll admit my thoughts are getting sidetracked but I'm relating this sentiment to some friends, another couple. The husband said, 'I probably shouldn't be telling you this, [his wife] has kicked me under the table before when I've started sharing this with others and I've had to make something up instead...' I encouraged him to share what he wanted to say and told him that if we're all going to really be friends, wouldn't we want authenticity? And if I don't like / accept what he has to say, then he's better off not having us as friends any way! He agreed and went on to tell about his past substance abuse. The important thing, to me, was how it's impacted where he is now in life. I told him that we accept him for who he is in now. The point of him sharing this though, was actually to draw the dots between a past experience and how that influenced his current choices and perspectives. Most of us have our stories... it's what we do with them that counts. He looked relieved that we were accepting. They're great people.

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post #36 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 06:20 AM
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Cool Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

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Those who have cheated probably have justified it so much to themselves they know exactly how to rugsweep it to prevent any negative consequence.
Well articulated! Just ask my RSXW! I'd be forced to say that she's the consummate author of "rug-sweeping!"

She'd much rather lie when the absolute truth would sound so much better!

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post #37 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-06-2016, 01:39 PM
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Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

one way to draw out someone's raw opinion on something is to use a third party like a movie, TV show or a book.

If I were still out there dating, that's what I would do.
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post #38 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 10:15 PM
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Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

I've not dated yet and don't know when I will. But no, I don't think I'll ask.

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post #39 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 11:47 PM
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Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

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I've not dated yet and don't know when I will
Whenever you're ready, I have no doubt you will be a charming and fun date.
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post #40 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 02:29 AM
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Cool Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

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one way to draw out someone's raw opinion on something is to use a third party like a movie, TV show or a book.

If I were still out there dating, that's what I would do.
Having been trained as as an adept interagator, from both school and the Fed, God has given me the rich ability to ask rather probing, but non-accusatory third-party type questions, whose answer would tell me so much more than I would ever want to know about a given person's background! Just refer to it as an innate "sixth sense!"

Now if the opined question has heretofore been answered satisfactorily by them earlier, then in the later stages of having invested even more emotionally with them, then I'd have no real equivocations in asking the ultimate question of them, as well aschaving them ask it of me!

After all, having now gone 0 for 2 in the "cheating-wives department," I feel that I can no longer remain "etiquette-friendly," as a never-married couple usually always is!



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post #41 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 06:42 AM
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Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

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Having been trained as as an adept interagator, from both school and the Fed, God has given me the rich ability to ask rather probing, but non-accusatory third-party type questions, whose answer would tell me so much more than I would ever want to know about a given person's background! Just refer to it as an innate "sixth sense!"

Now if the opined question has heretofore been answered satisfactorily by them earlier, then in the later stages of having invested even more emotionally with them, then I'd have no real equivocations in asking the ultimate question of them, as well aschaving them ask it of me!

After all, having now gone 0 for 2 in the "cheating-wives department," I feel that I can no longer remain "etiquette-friendly," as a never-married couple usually always is!
Some tips here would be welcome.
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post #42 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 11:36 AM
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Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

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Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
Having been trained as as an adept interagator, from both school and the Fed, God has given me the rich ability to ask rather probing, but non-accusatory third-party type questions, whose answer would tell me so much more than I would ever want to know about a given person's background! Just refer to it as an innate "sixth sense!"

Now if the opined question has heretofore been answered satisfactorily by them earlier, then in the later stages of having invested even more emotionally with them, then I'd have no real equivocations in asking the ultimate question of them, as well aschaving them ask it of me!

After all, having now gone 0 for 2 in the "cheating-wives department," I feel that I can no longer remain "etiquette-friendly," as a never-married couple usually always is!
Yes.... amazing what people will tell you when you just "lend an ear."

"I'm so over him" followed by a 30 minute diatribe on how pathetic he was. NOT over him by longshot

"He cheated on me so I went out and slept with every guy I went out with for a month" Please get tested!

"I was faithful until he gave me a reason to cheat" RUN... in my four categories I listed on

Decimated's post this year.... this is a bitter one....

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #43 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 01:18 PM
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Cool Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

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Some tips here would be welcome.
The key is to listen much more than you talk! It's OK to moderate, say third-party questions, but not to go overboard in discussing any excruciating details ~ "just watch and listen!"

I'd have to say that the lack of eye contact or the presence of them wanting to change or even avoid the suggested topic all together is also a possibile giveaway!

In any event, you don't really have to interrogate until such time that you need to advise them of their Miranda Rights! All that you have to do is get up from the discussion table and disappear into the night, with little to no explanation why!

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post #44 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 06:34 PM
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Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

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In any event, you don't really have to interrogate until such time that you need to advise them of their Miranda Rights!
I don't understand.

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post #45 of 49 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 09:42 PM
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Cool Re: Do you ask dates if they have cheated?

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I don't understand.
@Haiku ~ my man: I was being totally facetious with that last statement!

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