I am now two years removed from my divorce. While I am generally in a much better place than I was before (both before my divorce and in the months after) I still find myself feeling a great deal of apathy towards life in general.
For instance the holidays are coming up. I am just not really excited about them. I guess the "magic" is gone. I will buy my kids presents. I will see them at various points thru the holidays but things won't be the same.
I have been dating, I have met many women. I have a nice time with most of them. But really at the end of the day, I do not feel anything for them.
My business is doing great. I am making more money than I ever did before. I have more money in the bank than I ever have had at any point in my life. But I really don't care I am bored with what I do.
I am not a spend thrift either. I buy what I want when I want. I eat good food and have no problem paying for it. I drink whatever I want and again have no qualms about paying for it. I travel whenever I want and stay in nice hotels, eat at expensive restaurants, rent nice cars. But big deal.
Is apathy just one step on the journey from misery to happiness?
I am not trying to be argumentative, but if there was something I felt passionate about, I wouldn't be feeling apathetic. Maybe I haven't found it yet? I do different things, try to put myself out there, force myself to stay engaged, try to live in the moment, learn new things etc etc. I just find myself lacking any spark in my life.
Wow, your life sounds like a dream. It reminds me of the guy who made the video game minecraft. He sold if for millions/billions (not sure) and his life was set. He met with stars and partied every night. Yet he complained about his life being empty. He just waited in the house for all his friends, who had jobs, so he could party that night with them.
I found it hard to sympathise. To me he was living a superficial life, that is why he felt empty. Drink, party, debauchery, boring day alone, rinse-repeat. I mean why doesn't he go do some volunteer work or something meaningful. Not like he has bills to worry about. So he is flexible.
I agree that helping your fellow man in some way will give you a sense of fulfillment. Goodspeed, OP.
Ynot are you truly apathetic or are you content but feeling guilty about it? Are you gauging your life by what you think society calls "normal"?. Your current life sounds very much like mine, yet for a time after my divorce I kept thinking I was missing something or needed to be "passionate" about some cause. But you know what? I got to a point where I said f**k all that BS. I spent many years of my life moving at 100mph focused on doing it all all of the time. Why? So I could be the perfect dad? Perfect husband? Perfect business owner? Perfect community member? blah...blah...blah. Sure that was great and I might do it just the same if I had to do over but the thing is I don't, I'm at the "been there done that" point of my life.
For many years all I wanted was for my life to slow down so I could enjoy the fruits of my labors, and that's where I have finally arrived, I (and maybe you) need to recognize that, relax and enjoy it.
You will visit with your kids over the holidays and enjoy each others company, great. Business is doing well and you have the time and money to enjoy yourself, great. You set your own schedule, go where you want, do what you want when you want as you want, great. Sounds perfect to me. I for one don't need fireworks in my life anymore, I am very very happy watching a candle flicker in the dark.
Ynot my point being you are in a position to do or try anything you want, if you need purpose and passion to focus on than find it, but don't feel that you must just to look "normal". Make your own normal.
@Ynot, your life would be the very ideal for some.
Your post examines many of the things you do have, as a measure or assertion of general success.
Those standards are what you make. Sure, society dictates to a great extent, but do you conform to everything society says, or march to the beat of your own drum?
The message I read is, you have all these things but you have not found a new meaning of happiness. Healing can take a long time. I was in a similar place for 3 years before I found real happiness again. Maybe you will realize happiness again precisely when you are meant to. Meanwhile, I see your life is quite full of very positive qualities.
I know how you feel. But I do think it the feeling of apathy will go away when your mind gets tied up on something you ARE passionate about. MAKE SURE it's not a woman! Find something else that brings you excitement. I like hunting and fishing. You have money now, maybe buying a piece of land and gardening, or finding a nice piece of property to develop out in the country to your liking would bring you some excitement. Just an idea... But find SOMETHING that you enjoy doing enough that you look forward all the time to it. If you find some woman that really excites you and brings you happiness, remember that can be taken away any time they feel like it.
Glad you're doing well in other aspects of your life...
I think as time passes that the "ahh so what's" will start going away. I don't see, though, in going through a divorce you have more money than you ever had. All my research says that if I did get divorced I would be in the midst of poverty. If I could be in your position right now, I'd file tomorrow.
Well, I am no longer supporting two life styles. I have greatly simplified my life, down sized my home and have more time to make money as opposed to being available for the various things I did in the past to try to make her happy. For instance I don't take a week off (which actually means more like three weeks when you consider what it entails to take a week off as a self employed person) during my busiest part of the year to go to a beach in season. I am only paying for one cell phone, one car insurance premium, a smaller house, I keep the house temp to my liking and don't have to pay exorbitant electric bills because every house in the light is on, etc etc.
My kids are grown, so that also factors into it, but generally since I am in control of my life now, I am only responsible for it, and no one else's.
So I make more, pay less and have more left over (lot's more)
Have you tried working on yourself, and by that I mean your fitness/body? It's a great way to invest in yourself and while very hard work, is very rewarding when you see results.
No advice at all; but only a supportive "I get it" too post. Just when you think you have your life planned out; then something happens to change the course of it. I like to think of it as taking a little break from it all since a lot has happened to get me to this particular place. My fear at times is not getting out of it; but as life goes and has proven before, it will hopefully change up soon.
Ynot,
Honestly, it sounds like you are depressed, meaning that you can't take joy from rewarding experiences. I know it sounds crazy, since you look at your life and you feel like you should be happy. But sometimes are brains don't do what we expected. I would start with talk therapy and go from their. It's possible you might need some medication to jump start you being able to feel again.
Here is another thought. Am I really feeling apathy or just normal emotions after so man years of being on emotional overload. Maybe this is my true baseline and I just need to adapt to it. Because I really don't want the drama that I have just experienced.
I can relate to the apathy. I'm 9 years out of my divorce.
For me I think it is about my life always being about living for someone else. During my marriage it was my H and kids. During the years I have been divorced, it was primarily my kids. But I have also been in several long-term relationships since divorcing (one was several years long), so between that and my kids, I had a focus.
Now.... I have no relationship right now. And 2 of my kids are grown and gone, and the third is in high school and doesn't need me in the same way anymore. That frees up my time to do.... what? Suddenly I don't know what I am supposed to do.
I think that's maybe where you are at, Ynot.
There are things I want to do, like sell this huge house and move across the country and into someplace smaller. There is a lot to do to this house to get it ready to sell. But I think... why? Why do I care?
A friend of mine emailed me today and sent me a photo of a note that her husband left for her on the front door when he left for work this morning. It said, "____, I love you more than life. I am the luckiest man in the world to be married to you!" I was so jealous at first. I was thinking, will I EVER meet a man who says that to me?
Then I read the thread about happyman64 who had stage 4 cancer and may not be with us now, and I realized that I need to stop freaking WHINING.
And I am NOT saying you are whining. I'm saying that I have been. For far too long.
I don't know when or how it all falls into place. I don't know how to acquire motivation to make it happen. But part of me feels like maybe it NEVER all falls into place, after reading some threads here. Maybe it's all just an illusion. I want a relationship and a man who loves me and who I can love, and I haven't found that.... but if I did, maybe it would just end up like some of the threads here anyway. Maybe the only person I can count on is myself. And my dog.
All of these things that I know I need to be doing, and I just ask myself, "Why?"
At the moment I don't even know that I want a relationship. I am beginning to feel as though my inner self is telling me to look within and find the real me. I find it hard to feel comfortable in a relationship since I don't know how I want it to proceed. Maybe for the first time I realize that I am in control. But I don't know where I want to go.
Yeah! Because divorce is also a step. Until you find and do things that bring you joy, you're going to feel empty and apathetic.
Maybe take a class or do some counseling to figure out what excites you. And dating is just dating. You kind of expect a spark and when it doesn't happen, one can feel disappointed. I can feel sparks but I'm not at the place where I want the demands of a relationship. I'm content alone and I enjoy being with people, but I don't feel the magic tingle that would make me want to be bound by the confines of a relationship. I enjoy doing what I want, and am not ready to share that with someone or compromise my ME time. Getting divorced did t magically fix my life, changing it took work...the divorce was just the catalyst that moved me into knowing myself and allowed me to rekindle my own interests.
Hope you can find things that make you spark!
Y Not, I could have written this thread. I am in the exact same boat. I live, I work, I go through the motions. I do have many hobbies, but they only go so far in fulfilling me. Right now I'm learning Spanish style/flamenco guitar. I don't play golf anymore because I simply refuse to pay the ridiculous fees courses charge nowadays. I work out a bit and walk every day. I'm thinking of getting a dog.
Sigh...that's about it.
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