Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 09:33 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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I have explained this to my daughter, and she has realized over the past months and years how true it all is. She's considering taking out a student loan and using that to pay for the car. I already pay her entire college bill and will continue to do so even though my obligation to her ends at age 21.



I wouldn't need to borrow money in order to give my daughter the money for the car, but it's a bit much. Like I said I'm already paying for her college, I'm paying the child support, I'm just trying to get as much benefit for her out of the remaining support as I possibly can.
Buy her a $3000 Toyota or Honda that will last 4 years. Nothing says your daughter has to drive a 2010 car. Get her one from 2007. Right now she just needs reliable transportation.


Last edited by sokillme; 11-30-2016 at 09:38 PM.
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post #32 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 09:37 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

"C.S. is justice due..to the child."
@sokillme

Child support is justice that is due [owed] to the child.

We are in agreement.

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post #33 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 09:47 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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If it were me I would buy your daughter good used car.

If you cannot afford it, then tell her to make the payments as she can.

This is something your DD would remember for life. Her Dad was there when she needed him.

A lifelong investment for pennies on the dollar.
+1

Cost-share it like a co-pay, does not matter how little she can pay, just don't tie it to any child support...
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post #34 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 06:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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If it were me I would buy your daughter good used car.
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Buy her a $3000 Toyota or Honda that will last 4 years. Nothing says your daughter has to drive a 2010 car. Get her one from 2007. Right now she just needs reliable transportation.
Good plan. I may do something along these lines.
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post #35 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 07:00 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

I dunno, it sounds like you are trying to have it both ways. You want your ex to take a lump sum on the condition that the money can be used to buy your daughter a car, so that you can to take credit for the car, because it "is in the best interests of OUR daughter who of course WE both love and care about and WE both want her to succeed and she needs transportation"
I am not disputing that you love your daughter (or that your ex does either), but you are conflating the two issues. Whether you like it or not, you have no control over how your ex uses the CS. You may think that not enough is given directly to the child, but guess what? It doesn't matter what you think. You are divorced now, you have no control over your ex - NONE! In your ex's mind all of the CS payment may in fact be used on the daughter, regardless of what you think. She may live in a nicer apartment because she has the child, than she would have if it was just herself. She may drive a different vehicle etc etc. Regardless, the CS was awarded to your ex and you accepted that.
If you want your daughter to have a car, buy it for yourself. Better yet, help her establish her credit by having her take out a loan and you co-signing it. You can teach her two lessons in one - she learns you are willing to help her (although I would think she should already know this) and she learns to be responsible for herself.

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post #36 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 09:21 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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Your ex wife is not working and living off of your child support payments? Ugh. It amazes me that people like this are permitted to have custody of their kids.
Absolutely, you shouldn't get child support unless you can show you are doing your part as well. If you can't or just want to continue to be unemployed the kids should go to the other parent. Just another symptom of a broken system.

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post #37 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 11:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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I dunno, it sounds like you are trying to have it both ways. You want your ex to take a lump sum on the condition that the money can be used to buy your daughter a car, so that you can to take credit for the car
I'm not looking to take credit for anything. My daughter needs a car, the child support the ex is receiving (that she's using for her own needs) is more than enough to buy it. I'm simply offering to make the child support available in one big chunk so it may be forwarded to my daughter so she may buy a car. I'm thinking that if my ex receives a large influx of cash she may be more willing to part with more of it. Whether my ex takes that offer or not, whether she accepts the offer and keeps all or most of the money herself is not something I can control and you state the obvious when you point that out.

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In your ex's mind all of the CS payment may in fact be used on the daughter
I have long since given up trying to figure out what is going on in my ex's mind.
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post #38 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 11:40 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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I'm not looking to "take credit for anything". My daughter needs a car, the child support the ex is receiving (that she's using for her own needs) is more than enough to buy it. I'm simply making the child support available in one big chunk so it may be forwarded to my daughter so she may buy a car. Whether my ex takes that offer or not, whether she accepts the offer and keeps all or most of the money herself is not something I can control and you state the obvious when you point that out.



Everything quoted above is old news.



I have long since given up trying to figure out what is going on in my ex's mind.
But according to you she isn't using it for your daughter. So in effect you are trying to control what she does with the money and you want credit for it. Why else would you have approached the daughter (who refused to help you have the support reduced in the first place) to tell her about your offer to your ex? Maybe to make the impression that YOU are trying to help her? Your daughter probably sees the ruse, just as much as I do. If you want to help your daughter, just help your daughter and stop dragging your ex into it.

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post #39 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 11:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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But according to you she isn't using it for your daughter. So in effect you are trying to control what she does with the money and you want credit for it. Why else would you have approached the daughter (who refused to help you have the support reduced in the first place) to tell her about your offer to your ex? Maybe to make the impression that YOU are trying to help her? Your daughter probably sees the ruse, just as much as I do. If you want to help your daughter, just help your daughter and stop dragging your ex into it.
You call it control, I call it influence. Whatever.

I am trying to get my daughter a larger piece of the child support pie and giving the ex the option of doing the "right thing".

Since I have received no response from her it is fairly clear that I will not so we're on to plan B which does include me assisting my daughter financially with obtaining a vehicle but that is beyond the scope and not the purpose of this thread.
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post #40 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 11:55 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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You call it control, I call it influence. Whatever.

I am trying to get my daughter a larger piece of the child support pie and giving the ex the option of doing the "right thing".
Again, "the right thing" in your mind. Where were you when the daughter moved out of state over a year ago? No, it seems you are coming to the end and are now attempting to leverage the little remaining influence you imagine you have to get your ex to act the way you want one last time. You already have to pay that money, but now are trying to bolster yourself in your daughters eyes.
Since I have received no response from her it is fairly clear that I will not so we're on to plan B which does include me assisting my daughter financially with obtaining a vehicle but that is beyond the scope and not the purpose of this thread.
My bad, I guess I didn't realize the purpose of this thread was validation


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post #41 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 12:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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My bad, I guess I didn't realize the purpose of this thread was validation
@Ynot

Perhaps it will clear things up for you if I provide a brief summary. You know one of those TLDR thingies for people who have difficulty with absorbing, processing and retaining large amounts of information.

1- I've been paying a substantial amount child support for the better part of 10 years to my exwife who has kept the lions share (as is her legal right), and it's even worse the past few years because my daughter isn't even living with her since she moved out of state and has never visited her mother during this time.

2- I'm down to the last 4 support payments (as of this morning the 1st of the month) and those payments total about $8k.

3- I've been thinking for a while about making that last lump sum payment for next year all at once, just to get it over with and to start next year with a clean slate, free of legal obligations to my exwife. I have contacted an attorney about this matter and have been advised that with her written permission I can do that, without risking it being viewed as a "gift" and being liable for those 4 months of child support in the future should she decide to file a motion saying it wasn't paid pursuant to the court order.

4- My daughter recently told me she wants to get a car and she was trying to figure out the best way to go about doing that, at which point I told her I was considering making a lump sum final payment to her mother, and how that would make the funds available immediately for her use if her mother was willing to provide them to her.

5- She expressed her concerns that she wasn't seeing most of the support money and it would be doubtful that she would get what she needed from her mom even if it was a large sum at once.

6- After we discussed it, she contacted her mom first to go over the idea, she didn't get very far so she asked me to contact her mom which I did, and that didn't go anywhere either.

7- We are now on plan B which assumes ex is not interested in assisting her daughter with the car purchase because she intends to continue to keep the lions share for herself, which she is legally entitled to do, and there's nothing I can say or do because I have no control over her. This plan B includes me assisting her financially with purchasing a vehicle which of course I am under no obligation to do, as well as continuing to pay her post age 21 college expenses, also which is done because I want to not because I have to.

I hope this helps clear up your apparent confusion.
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post #42 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 12:32 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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@Ynot

Perhaps it will clear things up for you if I provide a brief summary. You know one of those TLDR thingies for people who have difficulty with absorbing, processing and retaining large amounts of information.

1- I've been paying a substantial amount child support for the better part of 10 years to my exwife who has kept the lions share (as is her legal right), and it's even worse the past few years because my daughter isn't even living with her since she moved out of state and has never visited her mother during this time.

2- I'm down to the last 4 support payments (as of this morning the 1st of the month) and those payments total about $8k.

3- I've been thinking for a while about making that last lump sum payment for next year all at once, just to get it over with and to start next year with a clean slate, free of legal obligations to my exwife. I have contacted an attorney about this matter and have been advised that with her written permission I can do that, without risking it being viewed as a "gift" and being liable for those 4 months of child support in the future should she decide to file a motion saying it wasn't paid pursuant to the court order.

4- My daughter recently told me she wants to get a car and she was trying to figure out the best way to go about doing that, at which point I told her I was considering making a lump sum final payment to her mother, and how that would make the funds available immediately for her use if her mother was willing to provide them to her.

5- She expressed her concerns that she wasn't seeing most of the support money and it would be doubtful that she would get what she needed from her mom even if it was a large sum at once.

6- After we discussed it, she contacted her mom first to go over the idea, she didn't get very far so she asked me to contact her mom which I did, and that didn't go anywhere either.

7- We are now on plan B which assumes ex is not interested in assisting her daughter with the car purchase because she intends to continue to keep the lions share for herself, which she is legally entitled to do, and there's nothing I can say or do because I have no control over her. This plan B includes me assisting her financially with purchasing a vehicle which of course I am under no obligation to do, as well as continuing to pay her post age 21 college expenses, also which is done because I want to not because I have to.

I hope this helps clear up your apparent confusion.
No confusion on my end. Maybe you should reread what you just wrote from the perspective of another and see if perhaps you are a little confused with your motivations. You want your ex to use money you are obligated to pay in a way that you want it used. It is very simple. I am sorry you paid plarge sums of money for so many years, maybe you should have contacted your lawyer years ago when the daughter moved out and then you could have helped her directly. Your duty to your ex is almost over, stop being a drama queen.

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post #43 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 12:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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No confusion on my end. Maybe you should reread what you just wrote from the perspective of another and see if perhaps you are a little confused with your motivations. You want your ex to use money you are obligated to pay in a way that you want it used
You "almost" have it!

I want my ex to use the money I am obligated to pay to her, in the way that it was intended to be used. Although the court does not enforce it, child support is supposed to be used for the children's needs, not stuffed into the pockets of the recipient parent for their own use. I'm somewhat surprised you don't know that but thank you for giving me the opportunity to enlighten you.
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post #44 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 12:59 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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You "almost" have it!

I want my ex to use the money I am obligated to pay to her, in the way that it was intended to be used. Although the court does not enforce it, child support is supposed to be used for the children's needs, not stuffed into the pockets of the recipient parent for their own use. I'm somewhat surprised you don't know that but thank you for giving me the opportunity to enlighten you.
It's sad that the money can't be enforced to be used for the child; I have seen plenty of women who take the child support for themselves. You are preaching to the choir about wanting your ex to use the money for what it is intended. Thats just the way it is and nothing can be done about it.
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post #45 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 01:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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It's sad that the money can't be enforced to be used for the child; I have seen plenty of women who take the child support for themselves. You are preaching to the choir about wanting your ex to use the money for what it is intended. Thats just the way it is and nothing can be done about it.
Yes, I realize that. I was sort of hoping that in the end game the ex would do [what I believe to be is] the right thing for our children but that is obviously not going to happen.
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