Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 01:25 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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You "almost" have it!

I want my ex to use the money I am obligated to pay to her, in the way that it was intended to be used. Although the court does not enforce it, child support is supposed to be used for the children's needs, not stuffed into the pockets of the recipient parent for their own use. I'm somewhat surprised you don't know that but thank you for giving me the opportunity to enlighten you.
No, you want your ex to use the money you are obligated to pay her in the way YOU WANT IT BE USED. It doesn't matter what the court does or doesn't enforce. As I said, you have no control over it and if it was really such a big deal to you, I would have thought you would have taken her back to court to get the payments reduced or stopped when your daughter moved out of state "several years ago". Now, I am sorry, you are unenlightened about your motivations, but that is your problem.


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post #47 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 01:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

[quote=Ynot;16972138]No, you want your ex to use the money you are obligated to pay her in the way YOU WANT IT BE USED. It doesn't matter what the court does or doesn't enforce. As I said, you have no control over it/QUOTE]

That's true. I want the child support to be used to support my children, it doesn't matter what the court does or doesn't enforce, and as you said I have no control over it. Why do you keep repeating what I've already said and agree to and make it into some sort of argument when it's not?

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if it was really such a big deal to you, I would have thought you would have taken her back to court to get the payments reduced or stopped when your daughter moved out of state "several years ago".
A couple of years back I consulted an attorney about modifying the child support due to the fact that my daughter had moved to one state and my ex to another. He confirmed we would need my daughters cooperation because otherwise my ex and my daughter would say she's keeping a room for her and my daughter would be staying there on school breaks- even if she wasn't. My exwife has always had this psychological hold over our daughter and at the time my daughter refused to agree to cooperate because she didn't want to go against her mother. It was only a few months ago that my daughter finally figured it all out and was able to break away from the unhealthy connection she had with her mother, but by then it was too late to make the change, there just wasn't enough remaining child support to justify another court battle.
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post #48 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 02:26 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

If your ex doesn't work, how's she going to live once this $8K is gone?
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post #49 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 03:35 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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If your ex doesn't work, how's she going to live once this $8K is gone?
That's her problem, I think she has sponged off Browser long enough.

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post #50 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 03:51 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

I'm aware. I'm just curious.
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post #51 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 08:19 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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That's true. I want the child support to be used to support my children, it doesn't matter what the court does or doesn't enforce, and as you said I have no control over it. Why do you keep repeating what I've already said and agree to and make it into some sort of argument when it's not?
I am not making any sort of argument. I am simply stating that what is really bothering you is the fact that you don't get to control how the money is spent. Your entire story falls apart when one considers that the only conceivable reason your ex would refuse your request is because you have made it conditional on her doing what you want done. It isn't like you just made her the offer to pay the rest of your few remaining child support payments in a lump sum, it was the condition you placed upon her accepting. If she has collected regular payments for ten years and now only has four remaining, why on earth would she agree to ANY term you placed on her acceptance?

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Last edited by Ynot; 12-02-2016 at 08:39 AM.
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post #52 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-01-2016, 08:34 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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Absolutely, you shouldn't get child support unless you can show you are doing your part as well. If you can't or just want to continue to be unemployed the kids should go to the other parent. Just another symptom of a broken system.
Child support shouldn't double for alimony, this just seems wrong.
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post #53 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 08:08 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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Child support shouldn't double for alimony, this just seems wrong.
I agree, it seems to me that you should have to prove that you spent the money on the kids. Of course that could lead to so many loose interpretations you would be back where everything is now.

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post #54 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 08:48 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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If your ex doesn't work, how's she going to live once this $8K is gone?
I think that is a classic case of misdirection. The whole thread is about how the OP is upset he doesn't get to control the money.

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post #55 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 09:04 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

As I said, I'm just curious. He's already settled his problem; he's going to help DD get a used car.

It hits home with me because I'm dealing with such a woman. She used to be rich, had several companies, ran them all into the ground because she had to play golf all day, every day. She's gone through every potential source of money (including me) she can find because she simply will.not.work. So when I see another woman like that, I'm curious to see how things turn out.

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post #56 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-02-2016, 09:17 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Your ex, is no different then most people, one of the basic human conditions is self-preservation. your Ex, has earmarked that money for her needs, and as such has no desire to do anything that will deny her that "comfort" allotted to her with that money, regardless of the fact it would benefit her daughter. I am guessing she has always been self-centered, which probably explains why she is your ex. the best you can hope for is that she never bothers you again once the tap runs dry but i suspect she will turn to her daughter in the future and be a parasite to her. I just hope the lesson learned here is that your daughter realizes how selfish her mom is and breaks away form her.
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post #57 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 09:20 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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I am guessing she has always been self-centered, which probably explains why she is your ex. the best you can hope for is that she never bothers you again once the tap runs dry but i suspect she will turn to her daughter in the future and be a parasite to her. I just hope the lesson learned here is that your daughter realizes how selfish her mom is and breaks away form her.
That's a very accurate description of my exwife. She is already parasitizing her eldest daughter (from her first marriage) who continues to send her money to keep her out of the poor house.

My daughter is aware how selfish her mom is but I'm concerned she'll find a way to guilt her into supporting her when my daughter starts earning money (she was just hired for a part time job), and also from the funds I will be sending her directly after the last child support payment in April of next year.

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If your ex doesn't work, how's she going to live once this $8K is gone?
I'm wondering the same thing. Some possibilities:

She has a degree, she can go back to work if she chooses, I'm guessing that when push comes to shove she'll get a job.

She'll continue to leech off her eldest daughter but I can't imagine she'd be able to get enough from her to live on.

She'll find another guy to live off of. However she has been unsuccessful in meeting anyone long term in the last 10 years since we split. Which is rather surprising because she's a good looking woman and she's had a lot of work done to maintain her appearance and she can really turn on the charm and keep up the facade and fool people that don't really know her.

She'll go completely broke and apply for welfare, at which point I'll get sued for more spousal maintenance. It's a long shot, and it only happens rarely but in my state judges retain jurisdiction to reinstate alimony if there is "extreme hardship" and to prevent her from "becoming a public charge"

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I am not making any sort of argument. I am simply stating that what is really bothering you is the fact that you don't get to control how the money is spent.
Yes it bothers me that the money that is meant to be used for my children is being used by my ex to pay her own bills because she does not work, by her own choice. As far as trying to "control" her.. I disagree with the term "control" to describe my actions, because I'm not forcing her to do anything. I'd go with "coerce", "suggest", "manipulate", "offer", "advise" or "persuade".

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If she has collected regular payments for ten years and now only has four remaining, why on earth would she agree to ANY term you placed on her acceptance?
She wouldn't. She will not agree to any terms I've placed on her acceptance of a lump sum support payment. She has been silent on the matter and I do not expect to hear from her regarding the matter. But it was worth a shot.
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post #58 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 01:10 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

IIWY, to avoid that last option of her going after you again, I suggest you get a wirebound notebook, start at the beginning when you got married, and write out the complete timeline of what she has done with her life. Including after you divorced, adding any opportunities she had for work or support and how she turned it down. Show a long-term pattern of her refusal to support herself. May not work, but it may.
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post #59 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-04-2016, 04:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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IIWY, to avoid that last option of her going after you again, I suggest you get a wirebound notebook, start at the beginning when you got married, and write out the complete timeline of what she has done with her life. Including after you divorced, adding any opportunities she had for work or support and how she turned it down. Show a long-term pattern of her refusal to support herself. May not work, but it may.
I have all that information put aside for future use if necessary.
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post #60 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 08:15 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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I agree, it seems to me that you should have to prove that you spent the money on the kids. Of course that could lead to so many loose interpretations you would be back where everything is now.
CS is for the purpose of contributing to the support and maintenance of kids. So most guidelines figure in housing, utilities, food, gas, car-into supporting. Those aren't items that are generally spent on the kids, but are items the custodial parent requires in order for the kids to reside with them. Kids need a bedroom and a house or apt with an extra room for them, etc. It was never intended to represent direct expenditures solely on for the kids.
There is a mechanism for holding the custodial parent responsible if the kids are being neglected. Short of that, the N-C parent has no say in how the money is spent. That right ended with the divorce.

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