Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-07-2016, 08:25 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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CS is for the purpose of contributing to the support and maintenance of kids. So most guidelines figure in housing, utilities, food, gas, car-into supporting. Those aren't items that are generally spent on the kids, but are items the custodial parent requires in order for the kids to reside with them. Kids need a bedroom and a house or apt with an extra room for them, etc. It was never intended to represent direct expenditures solely on for the kids.
There is a mechanism for holding the custodial parent responsible if the kids are being neglected. Short of that, the N-C parent has no say in how the money is spent. That right ended with the divorce.
I agree. For instance some here would be upset if the Custodial Parent (CP) had an apartment of house in a more expensive part of town, while they lived in a less expensive one. But they don't understand that the CS may have only been living in that more expensive house because of the better school district the child could attend by them living there. The same holds true for just about anything. Unless the CS is collecting a huge sum every month but the kids lives in a card box under the bridge or in a van down by the river, it would be very difficult to claim "they are just spending it on themselves"


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post #62 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 11:59 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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CS is for the purpose of contributing to the support and maintenance of kids. So most guidelines figure in housing, utilities, food, gas, car-into supporting. Those aren't items that are generally spent on the kids, but are items the custodial parent requires in order for the kids to reside with them. Kids need a bedroom and a house or apt with an extra room for them, etc. It was never intended to represent direct expenditures solely on for the kids.
There is a mechanism for holding the custodial parent responsible if the kids are being neglected. Short of that, the N-C parent has no say in how the money is spent. That right ended with the divorce.
Just because it's the law doesn't make it right. There are too many times when money given for child support never is spent on anything that has anything to do with the kids i.e. lottery tickets, new clothes for her etc. I still think that the fact that you have kids from a divorce make you still liable for providing for them out of your own doing, not sitting around and being provided with money from someone you have nothing to do with anymore. If you say that the N-C parent has no say in how money is spend, shouldn't it be the other way around to, that the custodial parent should have no say in the N-C parent's finances? Therefore there should not be any child support.

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post #63 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 01:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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Just because it's the law doesn't make it right.
True but only the law matters.

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If you say that the N-C parent has no say in how money is spend, shouldn't it be the other way around to, that the custodial parent should have no say in the N-C parent's finances? Therefore there should not be any child support.
It "should" but it it isn't, and that's not going to change any time soon.

It's like saying the courts "should" be fair and predictable but you never know what the outcome will be until the judge makes their ruling and it can vary widely depending on anything from bias, corruption, favoritism, incompetence or just how the judge feels at that particular moment.

My particular judge was very favorable towards the nonworking female spouse and gave her a generous award of maintenance. It's my understanding other judges would have told her to go back to work and given her maybe half as much duration as I was ordered to pay.

Nothing fair about that but you won't find me saying "It shouldn't have been that way".

It's not "right" that our state requires us to pay what is considered the highest income tax and real estate taxes in the country and a lot of those dollars go into the pockets of corrupt politicians.

Its not "right" and it's not "fair" and you might hear people grumbling about it from time to time but what are you going to do?
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post #64 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 01:10 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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True but only the law matters.



It "should" but it it isn't, and that's not going to change any time soon.

It's like saying the courts "should" be fair and predictable but you never know what the outcome will be until the judge makes their ruling and it can vary widely depending on anything from bias, corruption, favoritism, incompetence or just how the judge feels at that particular moment.

My particular judge was very favorable towards the nonworking female spouse and gave her a generous award of maintenance. It's my understanding other judges would have told her to go back to work and given her maybe half as much duration as I was ordered to pay.

Nothing fair about that but you won't find me saying "It shouldn't have been that way".

It's not "right" that our state requires us to pay what is considered the highest income tax and real estate taxes in the country and a lot of those dollars go into the pockets of corrupt politicians.

Its not "right" and it's not "fair" and you might hear people grumbling about it from time to time but what are you going to do?
If it were me, I would have fought it. If you can show similar situations were judged much differently you can request arbitration. Not fighting cases like this result in women everywhere having kids, getting divorced and living merrily with their kids staying home and not having to work while the money rolls in. I will be damned if I let that happen to me. I'm the blue collar type, if you live, you work. If you don't work, you live in the street.

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post #65 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-08-2016, 01:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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If it were me, I would have fought it. If you can show similar situations were judged much differently you can request arbitration. Not fighting cases like this result in women everywhere having kids, getting divorced and living merrily with their kids staying home and not having to work while the money rolls in. I will be damned if I let that happen to me.
Dude if I was you I'd still be married.
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post #66 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 06:54 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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If you say that the N-C parent has no say in how money is spend, shouldn't it be the other way around to, that the custodial parent should have no say in the N-C parent's finances? Therefore there should not be any child support.
um, that's called abandonment of your children.

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post #67 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 10:29 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Four more payments right, not 4 more years?

Just trying to figure out the whole derail and why it feels like nitpicking.
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post #68 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 10:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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Four more payments right, not 4 more years?

Just trying to figure out the whole derail and why it feels like nitpicking.
4 more payments. She never got back to me about accepting the lump sum payment offer, and it's just as well.

The overwhelming advice from people both online and off has been "Don't do it she'll keep all the money" and I might be liable for the payments since they are not being made monthly as per court order.

I figure I've got nothing else to talk to my ex about at this point so I have removed her from my phone and blocked the number.
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post #69 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 11:09 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Okay, thank you. I get Ynot's argument, but it doesn't fit your situation and that's why I said derail. I could see you being a cake eater and controlling if you had four more years or just started paying two years ago. Your obligation is basically up and you want some of the money you've been paying, for over a decade, to go to your daughter. In my eyes, there is nothing wrong with that at all. Still, I agree with the main crowd and your decision. Finish the 4 payments, end the charade and buy her an older well maintained car. Nowadays, you can spend 3-5k and get a car that lasts 5-6 years with basic preventative maintenance.
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post #70 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 12:30 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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Okay, thank you. I get Ynot's argument, but it doesn't fit your situation and that's why I said derail. I could see you being a cake eater and controlling if you had four more years or just started paying two years ago. Your obligation is basically up and you want some of the money you've been paying, for over a decade, to go to your daughter. In my eyes, there is nothing wrong with that at all. Still, I agree with the main crowd and your decision. Finish the 4 payments, end the charade and buy her an older well maintained car. Nowadays, you can spend 3-5k and get a car that lasts 5-6 years with basic preventative maintenance.
I never said I had an issue with the OP wanting some of the money to go towards his daughter. But if the OP had been concerned about that, he would have acted when his daughter moved out several years ago, not now with only four payments left. Too little too late? If you were her, would you take his offer? Assuming she is just spending the money on herself, why would she give up a guaranteed $8,000 (to spend on herself) over the next four months in exchange for $8,000 now to hand over to the daughter? Had the OP just said he wanted to be done with his ex this year and made her the offer without condition, I could see his point, but since he attached the condition, it is HIS fault his ex didn't accept.


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post #71 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 12:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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But if the OP had been concerned about that, he would have acted when his daughter moved out several years ago, not now with only four payments left.
I did "act" on it after she moved out. I did post about that earlier in this thread but perhaps you missed it because you were so intent on pointing out everything you believe I'm doing in correctly in an attempt to "control my exwife".

A few months after my daughter moved to college and my exwife moved out of state (a different state than my daughter) and it became apparent that my daughter had no intention of staying with my exwife on the breaks, I met with an attorney. A different attorney than the ones I used during my divorce because I found them to be ineffective at best and incompetent at worst. So I really did my homework and met with an attorney that was listed on the "Superlawyers" website, those attorneys are highly rated by their peers and this attorney also had many reviews from satisfied clients.

Anyway we met, we talked, we consulted and we planned to proceed with the child support modification so that I could support my daughter directly. I made her aware of my plans because her cooperation would be needed to support my claim that she would not be using her mothers house as a residence when she was not in the dormitory. She said "no way, I'm not going to do that to mom, she'll hate me and besides she's giving me child support".

I spoke to the attorney again and he agreed that without my daughters cooperation, in fact with my daughter working AGAINST me and supporting her mothers claim that she DID intend to stay with her, I would not have a strong case.

So I dropped it and told my daughter that I would be unable to help her financially since she chose to oppose me on the child support motion and she was ok with that, in fact she was RELIEVED that I would not be taking her mother back to court.

A few months ago she contacted me and said getting the support from her mom was always a struggle and it's gotten worse and she's been getting less and she wanted me to go back to court to change it. I told her at that point it was barely worth it with so few payments remaining and given that she was still getting "some" child support at that time.

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since he attached the condition, it is HIS fault his ex didn't accept.
At this point I really don't care that she declined my offer. Her refusal simply paints her as the selfish individual that I know her to be and my daughter sees it as well. As I said I'm probably better off not giving her the early payoff.
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post #72 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 12:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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buy her an older well maintained car. Nowadays, you can spend 3-5k and get a car that lasts 5-6 years with basic preventative maintenance.
We visited my daughter this past weekend. Hooked her up with groceries, warm clothing for the winter, and discussed the car situation.

She's putting the cart in front of the horse. She hasn't even signed up for the mandatory 5 hour course required to take the road test, she's not the type to get things done with any sort of speed. It's going to be awhile. She said she could buy the car and keep it in her boyfriends driveway until she gets her license. I didn't argue the point I simply listened, while realizing nothing is going to happen with a car for quite some time. In a few short months I'll be providing her with funds that is necessary to provide for her daily needs and we'll discuss the car at that time. My ex and child support payments will be history by then.
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post #73 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 01:04 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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I did "act" on it after she moved out. I did post about that earlier in this thread but perhaps you missed it because you were so intent on pointing out everything you believe I'm doing in correctly in an attempt to "control my exwife".

A few months after my daughter moved to college and my exwife moved out of state (a different state than my daughter) and it became apparent that my daughter had no intention of staying with my exwife on the breaks, I met with an attorney. A different attorney than the ones I used during my divorce because I found them to be ineffective at best and incompetent at worst. So I really did my homework and met with an attorney that was listed on the "Superlawyers" website, those attorneys are highly rated by their peers and this attorney also had many reviews from satisfied clients.

Anyway we met, we talked, we consulted and we planned to proceed with the child support modification so that I could support my daughter directly. I made her aware of my plans because her cooperation would be needed to support my claim that she would not be using her mothers house as a residence when she was not in the dormitory. She said "no way, I'm not going to do that to mom, she'll hate me and besides she's giving me child support".

I spoke to the attorney again and he agreed that without my daughters cooperation, in fact with my daughter working AGAINST me and supporting her mothers claim that she DID intend to stay with her, I would not have a strong case.

So I dropped it and told my daughter that I would be unable to help her financially since she chose to oppose me on the child support motion and she was ok with that, in fact she was RELIEVED that I would not be taking her mother back to court.

A few months ago she contacted me and said getting the support from her mom was always a struggle and it's gotten worse and she's been getting less and she wanted me to go back to court to change it. I told her at that point it was barely worth it with so few payments remaining and given that she was still getting "some" child support at that time.



At this point I really don't care that she declined my offer. Her refusal simply paints her as the selfish individual that I know her to be and my daughter sees it as well. As I said I'm probably better off not giving her the early payoff.
Dude, you seriously need to get a grip on your imagination. Your OP was all about you attempting to control how the money you are to send your ex is to be spent. As I said, if it had really concerned YOU then, YOU (not your daughter) would have acted sooner.
Of course at that time, you were told it was pointless, but now! Now, you imagine you have some leverage! And by God things are going to happen how you want them to happen! Except that you don't have any leverage and don't understand it.
Now after reading your latest installment in this continuing saga, I am lead to believe you are getting played by your daughter as well. WTH are giving your 21 y/o daughter "the funds necessary to provide for her daily needs". She has a job, lives at her BFs and hasn't even bothered to get her license yet?

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post #74 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 03:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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Your OP was all about you attempting to control how the money you are to send your ex is to be spent. As I said, if it had really concerned YOU then, YOU (not your daughter) would have acted sooner.
As I said, I DID act sooner- a few short months after my ex and my daughter made their respective moves.

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Of course at that time, you were told it was pointless, but now! Now, you imagine you have some leverage!
My thinking was that my ex just might find the decency to respond to my daughters need for a vehicle but I wouldn't consider that "leverage" nor would I consider my actions an attempt to "control" my exwife but we've been down this road already.

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And by God things are going to happen how you want them to happen! Except that you don't have any leverage and don't understand it.
I understand that I have no leverage and nothing is going to happen. I understand it, s why I deleted my ex's contact information from my phone and blocked her number because I have no further need to ever speak with her again.

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Now after reading your latest installment in this continuing saga, I am lead to believe you are getting played by your daughter as well. WTH are giving your 21 y/o daughter "the funds necessary to provide for her daily needs". She has a job, lives at her BFs and hasn't even bothered to get her license yet?
You may be right. My daughter may very well have re-established contact with me because she realizes the spigot of money flow is about to run dry unless she acts really friendly towards good old Dad. But you know what? I'm ok with it- to a point. She's my daughter, I want to take care of her.

You are incorrect on two of your facts which I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to clarify.

She lives in the dormitory, not at her boyfriend's and they have no plans to cohabitate any time soon. She is interested in moving into an apartment after the next College semester.

She was offered a job but she hasn't started yet. Since she'll have to walk about a mile when she's on campus during school, if she has not yet obtained a vehicle, I will be surprised if she lasts through the next blizzard. She isn't the type of person to "stay with it".

At which point what do I do? Continue to support her even though she quits her job?

I haven't thought that far ahead yet.
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post #75 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 05:02 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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As I said, I DID act sooner- a few short months after my ex and my daughter made their respective moves.



My thinking was that my ex just might find the decency to respond to my daughters need for a vehicle but I wouldn't consider that "leverage" nor would I consider my actions an attempt to "control" my exwife but we've been down this road already.



I understand that I have no leverage and nothing is going to happen. I understand it, s why I deleted my ex's contact information from my phone and blocked her number because I have no further need to ever speak with her again.



You may be right. My daughter may very well have re-established contact with me because she realizes the spigot of money flow is about to run dry unless she acts really friendly towards good old Dad. But you know what? I'm ok with it- to a point. She's my daughter, I want to take care of her.

You are incorrect on two of your facts which I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to clarify.

She lives in the dormitory, not at her boyfriend's and they have no plans to cohabitate any time soon. She is interested in moving into an apartment after the next College semester.

She was offered a job but she hasn't started yet. Since she'll have to walk about a mile when she's on campus during school, if she has not yet obtained a vehicle, I will be surprised if she lasts through the next blizzard. She isn't the type of person to "stay with it".

At which point what do I do? Continue to support her even though she quits her job?

I haven't thought that far ahead yet.
Ok, she is in school still. I understand that. I supported my daughter until she finished school precisely because I did not want her to get a job while in school. She worked on breaks and during the summer. The money she earned then was never enough to get her through a whole semester or what was left of it. I made semi-regular deposits into her account, so that she was able to survive. Cheers to you! Sincerely I mean it.

But if you remember when you were young, I wouldn't necessarily base my plans on the fact that she has no plans to cohabitate at this time, but I can almost guarantee you that getting some privacy with the BF is on the list of reasons as to why she would want to move into an apartment even though she has no job. How far does the BF live from her dorm?

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