Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #76 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-10-2016, 07:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

20 minutes.

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post #77 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 10:32 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

She'll have to walk a mile to get from class to class or she'll have to walk a mile to get to a job?
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post #78 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 11:11 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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She'll have to walk a mile to get from class to class or she'll have to walk a mile to get to a job?
The campus is large, she probably walks at least 2/10 of a mile to get to the far end of campus and then the job is another 8/10 of a mile past the far end of campus.
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post #79 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 11:23 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Then I'd just tell her that as long as she keeps the job, she'll keep the car. And that you will be checking.
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post #80 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 11:30 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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Then I'd just tell her that as long as she keeps the job, she'll keep the car. And that you will be checking.
My relationship with my daughter has been tenuous at best, she has cut contact with me for years at a time, there's been a lot of damage done by the divorce. I need to find a balance between helping her out and yet not enabling her. I think threatening to confiscate her car would be too heavy handed given the history, however I would not be quite so fast to throw extra money at her if she quits her job.
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post #81 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 11:36 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

You see it as heavy handed; I see it as practical and a lesson in life that she needs to learn. I shrug a lot. When people pout at me, I shrug. Sucks to be you. When people guilt me, I shrug. I guess you'll find a better way to do it, huh? Don't want to work after I got you the car? Shrug. Doesn't look like you need it anymore, since you're not even walking a full mile a day at school. I'll sell it and save the money for a graduation gift.

The key is to keep the emotion out of it. And to remind her that you WANT to help her out, but that requires respect. If she takes the car and doesn't return respect for it, guess what? No car.

You sound like you're desperate for her respect and affection and care, and are afraid of making her mad. No good will come from that. She's still a kid; you've got decades of time with her in the future. If she's being a putz, let her be a putz; without you. She'll eventually realize you're being loving AND respectful of her by expecting the same from her. Eventually, she'll see you as the stable, good parent and return to you. It just may not be in the next few years. I didn't talk to my mom much at all between the time I was 18 and 21 because of my boyfriend's influence. But she remained the same steady, loving person she always was, and I grew up a bit and started seeing that, and 'returned' to her.

You can't force that. And you sure can't buy it.
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post #82 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 11:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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You sound like you're desperate for her respect and affection and care, and are afraid of making her mad.
You're not wrong. I tend to walk on eggshells around her because if I over step we will be right back to square one and we've made a lot of slow progress over this past year. I would probably go so far as to stop throwing money at her but I wouldn't sell the car out from under her. Somehow she'd have to find the money to keep up with the registration and insurance payments or the car won't be on the road.

I appreciate your advise and I don't dispute anything you've said but I'm going to tread lightly.
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post #83 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 11:43 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

I wouldn't take out a student loan for a car.

Average student loan interest can be two, three, four times what the rate for a car is. If you can't pay your car loan it sucks, but they can repo the car or you declare bankruptcy. You can never get rid of a student loan without faking your own death or leaving the country.

If you want to help her out, co-sign her car loan, but I'd heavily encourage her against getting an iron clad student loan for a car.
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post #84 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 11:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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If you want to help her out, co-sign her car loan, but I'd heavily encourage her against getting an iron clad student loan for a car.
That makes sense. We're only talking a few thousand dollars anyway.
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post #85 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 11:50 AM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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I would probably go so far as to stop throwing money at her but I wouldn't sell the car out from under her. Somehow she'd have to find the money to keep up with the registration and insurance payments or the car won't be on the road.
That sounds fair. As long as you explain it to her so she knows WHY you're no longer throwing money at her; as long as you're brave enough to have that conversation. If you don't, she'll just latch onto the 'my dad is a POS' crap again.

Read up on Authoritative Parenting; the preferred method to deal with kids because it puts you both on the same team and requires respect and uses boundaries/consequences so that the kid (1) learns and (2) becomes responsible for her own outcome.

btw, the way you're dealing with her is a lot like a BH dealing with a WW; think about it.

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post #86 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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That sounds fair. As long as you explain it to her so she knows WHY you're no longer throwing money at her; as long as you're brave enough to have that conversation.
I can handle that.

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btw, the way you're dealing with her is a lot like a BH dealing with a WW; think about it.
At times when neither of my daughters was talking to me, I eventually pulled back after trying very hard to stay in touch with them. I thought to myself "well maybe they'll start to wonder about me and miss me if I don't reach out anymore". I knew I had the same line of thinking as someone who is using the 180 for the wrong reasons, to try to win back their partner. Funny thing is, that when I pulled back, is when they came looking.

I read your link about authoritive parenting. Seems geared more towards younger kids, my daughter is almost 21. Although she's probably a younger "mental" age.
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post #87 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 12:04 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Kids' brains don't stop developing until around age 25. Mine is 26 and she's just now starting to act like a real adult; before now, everything was always backed with a 'mom, how do I do this' or 'do you think I should do that' because she didn't have the mental capacity or experience to come up with the answers.

Trust me, it will still work with your kid. In fact, I tell adults to deal with their spouses using it. It's basic psychology - works on everyone.
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post #88 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 12:49 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

This can be a very painful thing to ask for.


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post #89 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 05:36 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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I never said I had an issue with the OP wanting some of the money to go towards his daughter. But if the OP had been concerned about that, he would have acted when his daughter moved out several years ago, not now with only four payments left.
His daughter wanted the car NOW and he tried an end around. Nope, you and I disagree because his OP and subsequent posts were venting.

Browser, be careful of enabling. Yes, this includes co-signing because you'll be tempted to pay when she misses a payment.

Last edited by phillybeffandswiss; 12-11-2016 at 05:41 PM.
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post #90 of 110 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 01:40 PM
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Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

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um, that's called abandonment of your children.
It's not abandonment, one parent is left to care for the children

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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