Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

User Tag List

 103Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:30 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

After tomorrow's 1st of the month payment I've got exactly 4 child support payments remaining, the total due is about $8000.

My daughter lives out of state, she just got a job and needs a way to get there, she's working on getting her drivers license and expects to have it shortly and she wants to buy a car.

I told her and my ex that I'd be willing to prepay the support so my daughter can get a car, however my ex must a) agree to it in writing and b) forward most of the funds to my daughter.

Sounds simple, right? Problem is my ex has been keeping the bulk of the child support even though my daughter hasn't once lived with her since she moved out of state a few years ago. The problem is my ex is selfish, greedy, and lazy and hasn't worked in years because she's living off of generous child support payments. My daughter is concerned that if I give the lump sum to my ex she'll get less then whatever small amounts she gets from the monthly payments.

I'm trying to convince the ex that this final payment is in the best interests of our daughter who of course we both love and care about and we both want her to succeed and she needs transportation in order to do that but my ex is seriously mentally disturbed (in my opinion) and only sees the rapidly decreasing incoming flow of free money.

I'm not sure if this is a vent or asking for advice so take it as you may.

browser is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:42 PM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 713
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Contact the child support payment center and see if that is even an option. No matter what your XW says or agrees to payments need to follow the state law or they can potentially be counted as a gift and not a child support payment.
Bananapeel is offline  
post #3 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:44 PM
Member
 
C3156's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 421
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Quote:
Originally Posted by browser View Post
I told her and my ex that I'd be willing to prepay the support so my daughter can get a car, however my ex must a) agree to it in writing and b) forward most of the funds to my daughter.
CS is court ordered, don't mess around with payments unless it is modified by the court. Otherwise your wife could claim you never paid and request additional payments.

Quote:
Originally Posted by browser View Post
my daughter hasn't once lived with her since she moved out of state a few years ago.
I guess I don't understand why would you pay your ex support for a child that does not even live with her?
C3156 is offline  
 
post #4 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 01:00 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 1,894
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Congratulations for serving your indentured servitude.

C.S. is justice due..to the child. This justice was moot, got the boot and exes little feet can do no [teary-eyed-rain-dance] to further nourish her paltry potato patch.

The end is near. XW's end is upright, threadbare and sunburned, her face is in the rabbit hole that only clever Alice could circumnavigate.

Justice's due-process went up a winding road and landed on Piedmont. Sunlight prevails....for you and for dear daughter.

Good luck, Sir!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is offline  
post #5 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 01:03 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Hope Shimmers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: US
Posts: 456
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

I think you should have gone through the courts years ago and had the CS agreement changed once your daughter moved out of your ex's house.

Legally I doubt you have a leg to stand on. If I were you, I would just pay the 4 remaining payments and be done with it. And find another way to help your daughter get a car.
Hope Shimmers is offline  
post #6 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 01:15 PM
Member
 
Kivlor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Rural Midwest
Posts: 2,732
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Congratulations for serving your indentured servitude.

C.S. is justice due..to the child. This justice was moot, got the boot and exes little feet can do no [teary-eyed-rain-dance] to further nourish her paltry potato patch.

The end is near. XW's end is upright, threadbare and sunburned, her face is in the rabbit hole that only clever Alice could circumnavigate.

Justice's due-process went up a winding road and landed on Piedmont. Sunlight prevails....for you and for dear daughter.

Good luck, Sir!
SunCMars... this is OT, but I have to know... do you also post under the name Agile Cyborg in the comments section of Reason.com?

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
Kivlor is offline  
post #7 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 01:20 PM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,026
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Don't give her the money unless the court ok's it and you have in writing that it's the last of the child support that is due to her. If you do give it to her, she'll say that you never paid the child support. Informal agreements like this are always trouble and are never in your best interest.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #8 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 02:24 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
Contact the child support payment center and see if that is even an option. No matter what your XW says or agrees to payments need to follow the state law or they can potentially be counted as a gift and not a child support payment.
I've consulted with an attorney who has stated that as long as I have her written approval the prepaid support payments will be credited as such.

Quote:
Originally Posted by C3156 View Post
I guess I don't understand why would you pay your ex support for a child that does not even live with her?
In order to apply for a modification I would need to prove that my daughter is not living with her. My ex has always claimed that she is renting a house with a room that is for my daughter, with some of her personal items in it (that she had from before she moved away). At the time, I didn't have a strong enough case nor did I have my daughters cooperation- mom has always had quite a hold on her. A year or so back I consulted with an attorney who agreed I needed my daughters cooperation, I approached her about it but she wasn't willing to go against her mother even though she was seeing only a small part of the support. A few months ago my daughter contacted me and said "go ahead and go after her for the support because she's barely giving me anything" but at that point it was not worth bringing a motion with only a few payments left and I told her as much.
browser is offline  
post #9 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 02:41 PM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,026
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

If your daughter wasn't willing to help you with getting the child support lessened so you could give her more, why should you want to help her so much in getting a car? Why would your ex be so willing to give all the support money to her daughter to get the car all of the sudden when she didn't give her any of it before. Even with a lawyer saying it was ok, with a written letter from your ex to that effect, I still think that she could figure some way of screwing you out of the money. I smell a rat.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
post #10 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 02:57 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Quote:
Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
If your daughter wasn't willing to help you with getting the child support lessened so you could give her more, why should you want to help her so much in getting a car? Why would your ex be so willing to give all the support money to her daughter to get the car all of the sudden when she didn't give her any of it before. Even with a lawyer saying it was ok, with a written letter from your ex to that effect, I still think that she could figure some way of screwing you out of the money. I smell a rat.
Why do I want to help her with getting a car? Because I love her and want to see her be successful, she's really gotten her act together with school and getting this job. I also have personal reasons for wanting to be done with the child support, basically just to get it over with and have an affirmation from her that it's paid in full, for whatever that's worth.

This all came down this morning, and interestingly enough my ex has yet to say she is good with the idea. I cannot fathom why she'd turn her head at the lump sum payment but she remains silent. If she does get back to me with the go ahead I may opt to have my attorney draft a Stipulation that address the prepayment issue that will be notarized by both of us, just for the extra protection.

But you're right, there's no promise my ex will give some, all, most or any of it if she receives it in a lump sum but either way she controls that money regardless of how it's paid. My thought is if she's got this chunk of cash she might be a bit more open with sharing it but it could work the other way, and she'll know the spigot is turned off going forward.

browser is offline  
post #11 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:09 PM
Member
 
Affaircare's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 3,759
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

To be brief and blunt, there is nothing you can do to "make" your exW be a considerate parent. She is who she is, and in order for her to change, SHE would have to want to change. Based on what you've said so far, I don't believe she has any desire to be any different: she wants to receive your money and live off of it, and she does not want to use the money for the child it is supposed to support.

Soooo...since you can not change her, or "make" her, I would recommend a different tactic. Your daughter is not stupid. She may not want to cross her mom or "go against her" but she can see which parent is trying to help her and which parent is taking advantage. Thus, I'd say give exW the very bare minimum ordered by court for four more payments AND BE DONE WITH HER!!! You've done your duty to the court, and legally she won't be able to siphon off of you any more. Simultaneously with your daughter, explain what you would have rather done (given the $8,000 straight to her!), and explain that you can not control another person, so you are stuck following the court order for 4 more months. But see if you can't arrange for some sort of loan at the bank--a personal loan for yourself--that you could give to your daughter and have some repayment arrangement between you and your daughter--in writing.

My guess is that if you have the $8k to make final lump sum for CS, you may be able to do an advance, a credit line, or some sort of financial arrangement to lay your hands on an amount to help her get a vehicle. Then have it be directly one adult (your daughter) to another (you) and bypass exW altogether.

Four more months and you are legally DONE!

Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at Affaircare.

The 180 * Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this! * Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies * The Man Up Nice Guy Reference
Affaircare is offline  
post #12 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:20 PM Thread Starter
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1,456
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Quote:
Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post
Simultaneously with your daughter, explain what you would have rather done (given the $8,000 straight to her!), and explain that you can not control another person, so you are stuck following the court order for 4 more months. But see if you can't arrange for some sort of loan at the bank--a personal loan for yourself--that you could give to your daughter and have some repayment arrangement between you and your daughter--in writing.
I have explained this to my daughter, and she has realized over the past months and years how true it all is. She's considering taking out a student loan and using that to pay for the car. I already pay her entire college bill and will continue to do so even though my obligation to her ends at age 21.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post
My guess is that if you have the $8k to make final lump sum for CS, you may be able to do an advance, a credit line, or some sort of financial arrangement to lay your hands on an amount to help her get a vehicle.
I wouldn't need to borrow money in order to give my daughter the money for the car, but it's a bit much. Like I said I'm already paying for her college, I'm paying the child support, I'm just trying to get as much benefit for her out of the remaining support as I possibly can.
browser is offline  
post #13 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:34 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Hope Shimmers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: US
Posts: 456
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Wow. Definitely be glad you are done with your ex-wife four payments from now.

I pay half of my kids' college expenses. The first one graduated last year, but for a year they were both in college at the same time and the college fees/living expenses were over $100,000 that year. I paid half. As a parent, I expect to pay half. I don't expect my ex-spouse to do more than me. Now we only have one in college so it's only around $47K a year.

Yes I have a good career so I can afford to do so, but no one handed that to me. I worked my a$$ off for all of it.

Kids are not stupid. As was mentioned in a post above, they know who is taking care of them and who isn't. Thus the reason why my 15 year old daughter is now living full time with me.
Hope Shimmers is offline  
post #14 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:40 PM
Forum Supporter
 
blueinbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,021
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Congratulations for serving your indentured servitude.



C.S. is justice due..to the child. This justice was moot, got the boot and exes little feet can do no [teary-eyed-rain-dance] to further nourish her paltry potato patch.



The end is near. XW's end is upright, threadbare and sunburned, her face is in the rabbit hole that only clever Alice could circumnavigate.



Justice's due-process went up a winding road and landed on Piedmont. Sunlight prevails....for you and for dear daughter.



Good luck, Sir!


Do you actually even try to help the OP or do you post for artistic purposes?
blueinbr is offline  
post #15 of 110 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 03:40 PM
Member
 
jb02157's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,026
Re: Trying to get exwife to agree to lump sum child support prepayment

Quote:
Originally Posted by browser View Post
This all came down this morning, and interestingly enough my ex has yet to say she is good with the idea. I cannot fathom why she'd turn her head at the lump sum payment but she remains silent. If she does get back to me with the go ahead I may opt to have my attorney draft a Stipulation that address the prepayment issue that will be notarized by both of us, just for the extra protection.

But you're right, there's no promise my ex will give some, all, most or any of it if she receives it in a lump sum but either way she controls that money regardless of how it's paid. My thought is if she's got this chunk of cash she might be a bit more open with sharing it but it could work the other way, and she'll know the spigot is turned off going forward.
It is interesting that your ex is now cooling to the idea. I bet she thought she could figure out a way to take it all and go shopping. I like your idea of going to your attorney and drafting a stipulation, she probably isn't going to want to do it now.

Is there any way that you could keep the payments the way they are and help your daughter on the side?

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
jb02157 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The Abuse Thread Blossom Leigh General Relationship Discussion 144 06-06-2016 04:16 PM
Child support court results Houstondad Life After Divorce 24 02-06-2016 03:16 PM
Child support question. need help Houstondad Life After Divorce 23 02-01-2016 04:43 PM
Hypothetical Child Support Question (if I win the lottery) SecondTime'Round Life After Divorce 6 01-08-2016 07:08 PM
Child support questions SecondTime'Round Life After Divorce 16 12-16-2015 05:45 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome