Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #16 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 09:41 AM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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I would also be worried that he may just detach. I think that might be a reasonable reaction to this. He may be thinking, I am living my life for this woman and she is still crying over her ex. Maybe my effort is in vain slowly but surely that may erode his confidence in the relationship. God help you if he meets a woman who looks like he wouldn't have to share with a memory. This may be a slow process but a few more moments of you balling your eyes out may escalate it.
Agreed again. A man can only take so much humiliation before he says, "screw it, I'm done".

Some people have longer ropes than others but we all have a breaking point. Even OP's KISA.

OP's new husband reeks of a rebound and a defacto plan B. There's a reason he tolerates this.

If I found my wife listening to "their song" sobbing over her ex three years later, I'd be running for the hills.

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I think a worse possibility is that he really doesn't care that you are still in love with your ex. If that is the case what does that mean? Most people I know would not be content to be with someone that was in love with someone else. My feeling is I would want someone who covets me. How secure can you be with a man who doesn't care that he love is shared with a memory? I would wonder if he is just kind of going through the motions so that he can have someone.
Plausible if either A) he was hung up on an ex like OP or B) is actively cheating on her. No emotional invested, sane man would be okay with behavior.


“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

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post #17 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 10:20 AM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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Agreed. I hope the KISA you married doesn't get burned if, or more likely when, you decide your ex is still your soul mate and deserves another chance. You're clearly not even remotely over it.

Free advice... Get rid of the shared iTunes account and buy some new songs. You might think your husband is "understanding" but he is simply tolerating your emasculation while you pine over another guy in front of his face.
Yes, get rid of that shared account, and STOP letting your mother talk about him to you! She can continue her relationship with him if that works for her, but she needs to stop reporting to you about what goes on with him. Your current husband is an angel, I would not be anywhere NEAR as understanding if I had a man so emotionally vested in his ex still.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #18 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

Wow guys...kinda brutal on a one time cry....

I fell out of love with my XH a decade ago. I would never, EVER go back to him and the constant misery my life was. NEVER. My husband knows all this, how horrible it was, and we both pity him. He also is aware of all I gave up to leave that relationship, including my dream home, inheritances, and family and friends that shunned me. I'm very full disclosure, as is he. He was in love with his long term Ex girlfriend, and he also has no negative feelings over her, speaks of her on occasion and we still have pics of her daughter up! I'm not the least bit annoyed by this. This is his past, his history, what has made him HIM. The man I fell in love with. That he didn't hate his ex simply showed me that he is a nice man, (and she a nice woman) and that they figured out they weren't right for each other, and moved on. For me, there is zero attraction etc for my Ex and my husband is very confident in our relationship, as am I. That was not the point of this post, and will never be an issue in our life. We both have loved in the past, but haven't most people?

I was going to address all the things that are being said about me and my husband that are so completely wrong, but there is no point, no one else is living our lives. I will just reiterate that I will always care about my XH welfare especially while we are raising minor children. I love that our girls can talk freely about their dad with my husband and how he shows genuine interest in asking them how their dad is etc.

What I am gleaning from this discussion is that most that are divorced strongly dislike or perhaps hate who they divorced. Or perhaps they have no experience with an Ex with severe emotional and mental issues. Either way, I will agree to disagree.

My husband and I will continue to be kind to my XH and to show him respect, and speak well of him always in front of our daughters. I really hope he finds love again and at some point aggressively works on his other issues.

Ciao,

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post #19 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 10:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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Yes, get rid of that shared account, and STOP letting your mother talk about him to you! She can continue her relationship with him if that works for her, but she needs to stop reporting to you about what goes on with him. Your current husband is an angel, I would not be anywhere NEAR as understanding if I had a man so emotionally vested in his ex still.
Agreed, agreed and agreed, he is

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post #20 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 10:56 AM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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Thank you my friend. Our children's take on it was terrible. I would say I was able to shield them from what was going on more than 80% of the time. They were unaware of what I was going through. They were living happy, content lives. They didn't know I got hundreds of texts a day, discussing his worthlessness, that he was probably gonna get fired, that people at work were watching him and on and on with the parinoia. On the days where depression was the main focus he would tell me how he was going to drive into a semi-truck on his way home. The kids never knew any of this and still don't know what all he put me through.

So to answer your question, when we sat down to tell them we were divorcing, the shock was equal to if we had told them we were aliens from outer space.

I went into this with a firm decision made not to speak badly of him, and to take the blame since I was the one giving up and not staying. I also knew he wouldn't admit to any blame, so what would the point have been? Right or wrong, it's what I did.

Overall, they took the situation very, very hard. I don't think they had ever even heard us arguing before. They were just so shocked. My eldest is even keeled and happy like me. She adapted quickly to me moving out and also quickly became friends with her step dad when he entered the picture.

Our youngest became glued to her father, and still is to this day. She is very emotional like him. She has had a very hard time with my remarriage, she was holding out tremendous hope that I would change my mind and come back to her dad. She tolerates her stepdad barely, which is hard for me to watch because he is so kind to her. It has gotten better this last year though, and I think it will continue to do so.

Thanks for asking about them.
So you didn't tell your kids the full story and your new husband has to bear the brunt of the situation. You new husband is a saint or has very low self-esteem.
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post #21 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 11:06 AM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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Wow guys...kinda brutal on a one time cry....

I fell out of love with my XH a decade ago. I would never, EVER go back to him and the constant misery my life was. NEVER. My husband knows all this, how horrible it was, and we both pity him. He also is aware of all I gave up to leave that relationship, including my dream home, inheritances, and family and friends that shunned me. I'm very full disclosure, as is he. He was in love with his long term Ex girlfriend, and he also has no negative feelings over her, speaks of her on occasion and we still have pics of her daughter up! I'm not the least bit annoyed by this. This is his past, his history, what has made him HIM. The man I fell in love with. That he didn't hate his ex simply showed me that he is a nice man, (and she a nice woman) and that they figured out they weren't right for each other, and moved on. For me, there is zero attraction etc for my Ex and my husband is very confident in our relationship, as am I. That was not the point of this post, and will never be an issue in our life. We both have loved in the past, but haven't most people?

I was going to address all the things that are being said about me and my husband that are so completely wrong, but there is no point, no one else is living our lives. I will just reiterate that I will always care about my XH welfare especially while we are raising minor children. I love that our girls can talk freely about their dad with my husband and how he shows genuine interest in asking them how their dad is etc.

What I am gleaning from this discussion is that most that are divorced strongly dislike or perhaps hate who they divorced. Or perhaps they have no experience with an Ex with severe emotional and mental issues. Either way, I will agree to disagree.

My husband and I will continue to be kind to my XH and to show him respect, and speak well of him always in front of our daughters. I really hope he finds love again and at some point aggressively works on his other issues.

But it's not a one time cry, it's covering the difficulty's in your marriage so your new husband has to look like the bad guy you tried to trade up for no reason. It's letting your Mom continue to treat your ex like she is till his mother in law, how completely disrespectful to her new son-in-law. It's actually allowing yourself to pain-shop over your ex and having no sympathy for how your husband must feel. Damn you even let him invest energy that should be reserved for your relationship to comfort you. I honestly think something is wrong with your new husband that he doesn't see that he is kind of your consolation prize because your first marriage didn't work out. Your new husband knows that everyone in your family wishes you were still with your ex, now he knows even a part of you still does.

No matter what you say, when you are crying over your ex, you are expending emotional energy on him that should be reserved for your current husband. We are not talking about asking how he is, we are talking about you crying for what could have been, and in that respect romanticizing what you had. That is not good. You could have at least hid it, and you actually went out of your way to contribute to these feelings by playing the songs. No one says you have to hate your ex by the way, but you absolutely must move on and quit romanticizing what you know in your heart was not right. As you have told us here. If it was not right there is no reason to cry anymore. You are crying over a fantasy anyway.

You can think we are mean or whatever but we are just trying to warn you, just like you say you fell out of love with your ex, mostly because he was spending too much emotional energy living with his mental illness don't be shocked if your current husband falls out of love with you because you are spending too much emotional energy living in you past. Everyone here has the same take, so maybe you should trust us that this ours is the natural response to this. One day he may sit you down and tell you he is done. Then you will be the one who feels like aliens have landed.

Last edited by sokillme; 12-13-2016 at 11:21 AM.
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post #22 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 11:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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But it's not a one time cry, it's covering for him so your new husband has to look like you tried to trade up for no reason. It's letting your Mom continue to treat your ex like she is till his mother in law, how completely disrespectful to her new son-in-law. It's actually allowing yourself to pain-shop over your ex and having no sympathy for how your husband must feel. Damn you even let him invest energy that should be reserved for your relationship to comfort you. I honestly think something is wrong with your new husband that he doesn't see that he is kind of your consolation prize because your first marriage didn't work out. Your new husband knows that everyone in your family wishes you were still with your ex, now he knows even a part of you still does.
There is not one accurate thing you have said in this entire statement.

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post #23 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 12:08 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

I think there's a lot of misinterpretation going on in this thread.

There are times where my mind wanders to what could have been with my ex-wife as well. It doesn't mean I actually want to be with her.

There is something about falling in love young, the naïveté associated with it, the foolish optimism, and all of that sort of gets dashed aeay when one gets divorced.

I wouldn't trade how my life has turned out since divorcing my ex-wife. But that does not mean that I don't occasionally feel sorrow for what could have been.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #24 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 12:16 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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I only played one song, (mistake) and the cry fest was on. My hubby was like what is going on? I explain. He is understanding, comforts me and we move on with our day. I still hold onto a lot of guilt for leaving. I always feel like I should have been stronger for him, to have stayed till our girls were grown no matter what. Part of me thinks I always will.
You are literally crying because a part of you regrets ending the relationship. You'd rather still be married to him.

You can not love two people. You clearly expend a lot of emotional energy on your ex and often.

Wondering what could of been, pining for those five good years, he was the love of your life.

KISA is foolish enough to think he can "fix you" with hugs and kind words. Nice you into loving him.

You can tell us and yourself what ever you want to. Your actions give away EVERYTHING.

Your current husband will give you a shoulder to cry on but you will never give him your heart.

If he wants to take on that kind of emotional baggage then I guess he'll have to learn the hard way.

Good luck to you both. Only person I pity in this story is your KISA, not your ex. He deserves more.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou

Last edited by BetrayedDad; 12-13-2016 at 12:26 PM.
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post #25 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 12:37 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

Spicy,

Have you examined if there was any co-dependency going on your part?

Two things:
1) Even if you were not co-dependent 20 years in a relationship is a bond, having children is a bond. This is something you worked at, you fought to help it survive. You loved him......Him being whole and healthy is relevant to your children no matter their age.
2) Co-dependent- Sometimes when you spend that long with someone that has mental issues, addictions etc. you start becoming the care giver more then the spouse. Your identity becomes about how that person is doing, how they will respond. If their having a good day you have a good day.

With either of these points its hard to step away from the emotional tug. Your human, these emotions are normal. But you have to continue to work at the emotion separation and so does he. This may require you distancing yourself as much as possible from seeing, talking etc. for both your benefits.



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post #26 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 01:32 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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I married my first love, we were both twenty and had five happy years and two babies before his mental and emotional health went terribly bad. Although I gave him an additional 15 years of my life, I couldn't fix his problems and I had nothing left to give after trying for so long, and getting nothing in return.

Our divorce involved no hatred, only sadness. We stood arm in arm crying as the judge pronounced us divorced. It was such a horrible day.

Three years have passed now, and I am very happily remarried to an upbeat, wonderful man. I of course still have contact with my ex, and see him at least twice a week for transferring kids etc. My mom still lives in his town, and sees him regularly, and tells me how he seems, and what he expresses to her (he is still very in love with me, and his depression is worse than ever). I hate hearing these things as there is nothing I can do. We have over 20 years of history and two beautiful daughters that will forever bind us.

This last weekend as I started my housework, and as I went into my ITunes I see a playlist with the pet name my XH used for me. (We still share iTunes due to the epic amount of $ we put into our music/movies on there.) I look at this list, and it starts with "our song" that we did our first dance to at our wedding and then continues on to have quite a few more meaningful songs in it, and then a bunch of super sad songs about love lost, broken-heartedness etc. Turns out it was an old list that he made while we were divorcing, but it still was so sad.

I only played one song, (mistake) and the cry fest was on. My hubby was like what is going on? I explain. He is understanding, comforts me and we move on with our day. I still hold onto a lot of guilt for leaving. I always feel like I should have been stronger for him, to have stayed till our girls were grown no matter what. Part of me thinks I always will.

Has anyone else divorced yet has no strong negative emotions for their ex?
I still love him very much as a person, care about his continued struggles.

Let me throw in here that my current hubby is very patient in regard to my ex. They don't interact, though they have met, do the courtesy wave etc. He feels no jealousy about him, and seems to really understand my feelings. He came from a divorced home, I did not. He was 18 though when his parents divorced. Oddly enough his dad and his step dad (who didn't meet until his mothers wedding to his stepdad) have ended up being best friends. They are both always at all family functions together. He!!, they even bought property together and built a cabin! So my husband has a very positive feeling about maintaining amicable relationships with exes.

Just curious how others that divorced on good terms (oxymoron I know) handled/are handling their relationship with their ex?
My XW and I are civil but that is it, she is very bitter that I left but ridiculed me when I told her what our problems were and just expected me to put up with them.

I am very happily remarried. My W and her X have managed to remain close friends and I'm really pleased for them. He is also remarried and recently had a baby, he is beside himself with joy about it ..... and we are both really pleased for them. I have met him on many occasions he is a great guy and I consider him a friend. They just didn't work out together as a couple.

My W was upset (tears) the other night as she knows her family will miss him at Christmas, he an outgoing type with great charisma and I fully understand that her nephews who have known him since they were babies will miss him. I've only known them a couple of years and we live a long way apart so we don't meet very often. It bothered me that she was upset, but not that she was upset about family missing him at Christmas. It doesn't change a single thing about our relationship or our feelings for each other.

It is natural to miss the happy times and you are probably still going through grief over what you lost when you left your marriage. Just because you divorced someone doesn't make them a demon, they have the same good and bad traits that they always had, in some ways it is easier to see when you are not in the middle of it. I still go through periods of grief and anger over what I lost in leaving and still second guess myself that maybe I should have stayed for my daughter when she has problems with her mother. But then my X will do something typically catty or pedantic and I remember why I left!!

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I feel bad for your husband now. No husband want's to come home to his wife crying over her ex and have to comfort her, and if he doesn't what's wrong with him. I get it your sad you broke up but time to move on, you are marriage to someone else.
I'm quite happy to comfort my wife over anything, and there is nothing wrong with me at all. I'm even learning that sometimes comfort is all that's needed, I don't actually have to try and fix everything because not everything can be fixed.
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post #27 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 01:52 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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You are literally crying because a part of you regrets ending the relationship. You'd rather still be married to him.

What BS. You can miss what was without regretting how it ended. Just because something is the right decision doesn't make it clean and easy. You have no idea about who she would rather be married to.

You can not love two people. You clearly expend a lot of emotional energy on your ex and often.

Yes you can. You can love many people in different ways. You have different loves for your partner, parents, children and family without any problems and your feelings towards a person change change throughout your relationship with them. OP mentioned one occurrence and you extrapolate that to "expending a lot of energy and often".

Wondering what could of been, pining for those five good years, he was the love of your life.

Probably yes, wondering what could have been and regretting that it didn't happen is natural. Losing your love for someone can be hard.

KISA is foolish enough to think he can "fix you" with hugs and kind words. Nice you into loving him.

There's nothing to fix and no need for you to disrespect her H. She is a normal person with normal feelings nor was he trying to "nice her" into loving him. He comforted his wife when she was upset and there was no indication that she didn't love him anyway, that was solely your conjecture.

You can tell us and yourself what ever you want to. Your actions give away EVERYTHING.


What actions? Missing the person she thought she would spend her life with and knowing that her children will never have a "family thanksgiving" or a "family christmas". Do you think people make a decision like that lightly?


Your current husband will give you a shoulder to cry on but you will never give him your heart.

Your powers of mind reading amaze me. You have never met her and you know how she feels better than she does.[/SARCASM]

If he wants to take on that kind of emotional baggage then I guess he'll have to learn the hard way.

Anyone with a marriage and family behind them has emotional baggage. I have emotional baggage as does my wife, life experiences make us who we are.

Good luck to you both. Only person I pity in this story is your KISA, not your ex. He deserves more.
Wow, we finally have something to agree on. We both wish them good luck.
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post #28 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 01:54 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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I think there's a lot of misinterpretation going on in this thread.

There are times where my mind wanders to what could have been with my ex-wife as well. It doesn't mean I actually want to be with her.

There is something about falling in love young, the naïveté associated with it, the foolish optimism, and all of that sort of gets dashed aeay when one gets divorced.

I wouldn't trade how my life has turned out since divorcing my ex-wife. But that does not mean that I don't occasionally feel sorrow for what could have been.
My sentiments exactly.
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post #29 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 02:08 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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The bottom line was though that he believed I would never leave. He was wrong.
He was right. You haven't left. Even if you aren't in daily contact or living under the same roof. You are still emotionally attached.

Furthermore, if you're that emotionally distraught over your exhusband you had NO business getting involved with someone new. It's not fair to them, it's not even fair to you.
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post #30 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 02:23 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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I'm a woman that rarely cries
Which means, at least to me, that crying over your exhusband is very significant.

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Also, I don't recall saying I am sad that we broke up. It was 100% my decision and doing.
Which you seem to be regretting, otherwise you wouldn't go to pieces when you're triggered by a memory. It's still inside, and it's gotta come out, one way or the other. You can deny it until the end of time, but that doesn't make it go away. It will however adversely affect your present relationship.

Speaking of your present relationship, you said it was 3 years since you divorced your exhusband. I don't know how long you're married but you met and married this new guy in something less than 3 years after your divorce. There's a good chance this relationship is nothing but a glorified rebound, and you're still pining for your ex because you never worked through the feelings, you just pushed them aside and distracted yourself with the new guy.

EDITED TO ADD

It's even worse than I thought. Upon a search of @Spicy 's back posts I found this:

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Spicey, your husband is sexually selfish and boring. You're going to have to communicate to him, very clearly, that the sex life you two have been having for the last two years (the whole of your marriage) will not work for you. He needs to understand what exactly you want from him. And you're going to have to spell it out.
It was posted in 7/2016, at that time she was remarried for 2 years, so now it's been 2.5 years. Married 2.5 years, divorced 3 years ago, that means she met and married her present husband within 6 MONTHS of divorcing her ex of 20 years.

That doesn't leave enough time for healing. Not nearly enough.

Last edited by browser; 12-13-2016 at 02:30 PM.
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