Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #31 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 02:50 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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Wow, we finally have something to agree on. We both wish them good luck.
Well it's nice of you to stick up for her but my intention is not to "bash" her but to make her understand the situation. Step 1 of fixing any problem.

That she is completely hung up on her ex still and that she jumped into this new relationship WAY too soon before properly GRIEVING the old one.

New KISA husband never stood a chance..... He's not an equal partner. Just an emotional crutch while she pines away and cries for ex.

The time for sobbing at old love songs was ALONE, BEFORE she jumped into a new relationship. If ex still invokes THIS much RAW emotion, KISA is screwed.


“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #32 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 03:21 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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Well it's nice of you to stick up for her but my intention is not to "bash" her but to make her understand the situation. Step 1 of fixing any problem.

That she is completely hung up on her ex still and that she jumped into this new relationship WAY too soon before properly GRIEVING the old one.

New KISA husband never stood a chance..... He's not an equal partner. Just an emotional crutch while she pines away and cries for ex.

The time for sobbing at old love songs was ALONE, BEFORE she jumped into a new relationship. If ex still invokes THIS much RAW emotion, KISA is screwed.
While I respect your intent you are not "making her understand the situation" at all.

You have invented your own situation with very little or no basis from the information she has given and based upon your own skewed view of relationships.

You told her how she feels "You are literally crying because a part of you regrets ending the relationship. You'd rather still be married to him.". You may have ideas about how she feels but taking what you think and telling that is what is true is just crazy talk.

You have taken statements she made and then invented your own situation in place, she mentioned one event where she was crying and grieving her previous life from which you conclude that "You clearly expend a lot of emotional energy on your ex and often.". There is nothing clear here at all, she never even mentioned twice let alone often.

You have concluded that her H is just foolish and a KISA begging for her affection based upon the fact that he comforted her when she was upset and then tried to convince her that she doesn't even love him properly "Nice you into loving him." & "but you will never give him your heart." and above reiterate that by calling him "He's not an equal partner. Just an emotional crutch".

In my opinion your posts are filled with all the characteristics of emotional abuse.

You ignore her own statements to tell her that she is wrong and you are right, you reinterpret what she said and twist it around to make her doubt her own feelings and conclude by putting her down and telling her she is not good enough for her husband even after you have belittled and emasculated him.

If her husband had said the things you posted here to her this board would be telling her to get the fvck out from a classic abuser.
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post #33 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 03:25 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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While I respect your intent you are not "making her understand the situation" at all.

You have invented your own situation with very little or no basis from the information she has given and based upon your own skewed view of relationships.
She was married 20 years. She divorced her husband because she felt there's no way the relationship could work but she still loved him very much (apparently she still does), to the point that they were both crying hysterically when they finalized things in divorce court.

She meets, and marries the new guy less than 6 months later. It was probably even shorter than 6 months unless she met the guy a day or two after the hysterical divorce finalization.

Hubby comes home and finds her crying over her ex.

This clearly spells "rebound", and "unresolved feelings" and a boatload of denial.

Don't think there's anything left to invent.
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post #34 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 03:32 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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While I respect your intent you are not "making her understand the situation" at all.

You have invented your own situation with very little or no basis from the information she has given and based upon your own skewed view of relationships.
I read her comments, interpreted the fact pattern as best I could, and gave advice I deemed appropriate.

You could say that about EVERY POST on TAM. We don't know anyone or EVER get the full story.

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In my opinion your posts are filled with all the characteristics of emotional abuse.
In my opinion, your head is deep in the sand and you are acting ignorant about the obvious truth staring at you in the face.

Everyone's entitled to their own opinion though, right?

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #35 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 03:57 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

Yeah that whole "emotional abuse" accusation towards an internet forum poster trying to give good advice, is way over the top.
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post #36 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 04:07 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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My XW and I are civil but that is it, she is very bitter that I left but ridiculed me when I told her what our problems were and just expected me to put up with them.

I am very happily remarried. My W and her X have managed to remain close friends and I'm really pleased for them. He is also remarried and recently had a baby, he is beside himself with joy about it ..... and we are both really pleased for them. I have met him on many occasions he is a great guy and I consider him a friend. They just didn't work out together as a couple.

My W was upset (tears) the other night as she knows her family will miss him at Christmas, he an outgoing type with great charisma and I fully understand that her nephews who have known him since they were babies will miss him. I've only known them a couple of years and we live a long way apart so we don't meet very often. It bothered me that she was upset, but not that she was upset about family missing him at Christmas. It doesn't change a single thing about our relationship or our feelings for each other.

It is natural to miss the happy times and you are probably still going through grief over what you lost when you left your marriage. Just because you divorced someone doesn't make them a demon, they have the same good and bad traits that they always had, in some ways it is easier to see when you are not in the middle of it. I still go through periods of grief and anger over what I lost in leaving and still second guess myself that maybe I should have stayed for my daughter when she has problems with her mother. But then my X will do something typically catty or pedantic and I remember why I left!!



I'm quite happy to comfort my wife over anything, and there is nothing wrong with me at all. I'm even learning that sometimes comfort is all that's needed, I don't actually have to try and fix everything because not everything can be fixed.
Um your wife was not listening to old romantic love songs once shared with her ex and you coming home to her crying about it. I get trying to be an evolved man or whatever but really.

Frankly yes everyone has moments of whimsy about people they were with or good times, most people have the courtesy however not to expect their spouse to comfort them when they are crying about it listing to old love songs (the fact that I have to even argue this point is beyond silly to me). She posted about it that shows that at least instinctively knows something is not right. Plus she has allowed her kids to judge her new husband without giving the facts about the old husband, meaning she prioritized protecting the old husband over the new one. Not a good sign.
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post #37 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 04:48 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

My ex suffered from depression and other things. I do feel for you because its a hard road to travel until you just cant anymore.

With that said, I can tell you I have never cried to my bf over my ex EVER.

My gut says you were not truly healed from your ex when you married the new DH. You are very fortunate up until this point, it hasnt wrecked your new marriage.

I will say go get counseling. Otherwise I predict in six months to a year another post that your current Dh left you, cheated on you or asked to go to therapy to save your marriage.

This is a time not to look back anymore and be thankful for the new man in your life. Sounds like he loves you more than you do him. He may have been your escape from the pain of your ex. Now its time to get whole and love him back properly.
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post #38 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 12:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

Thank you @WonkyNinja and @farsidejunky, you guys get me.

The way this post is going I'm not sure that it matters to many give a few more details, since it seems to be more entertaining to make up all of my feelings and history. Sorry, but I'm not a drama mama. I am someone who cares about those that are my family. I don't have an on/off switch. I also didn't have the need to tell my kids every painful detail of what their father put me through. They are children, not marriage counselors.

The song I played and cried too was not "our song". There was truly nothing romantic about it. It was a recent song "I love the way you lie." I hit play on it simply because I like the song and didn't know we owned it. In actually listening to the words and knowing why my XH had put it into HIS playlist, made me feel sad, being reminded how much I hurt him and that he continues to hurt. I wish he didn't have to hurt anymore, from any of the things he suffers from. This of course must mean I can't wait to leave my very happy and secure marriage to my husband I am over the moon for, to go back to a parioid, depressed, hugely overweight and unattractive in every way XH that never leaves his bedroom where he sits in darkness.

Long before our separation and divorce I started to mourn the loss/failure of my marriage. That was back when I began to realize no matter what I did, nothing was ever going to change, and it would just continue to get worse. @doureallycare2, you nailed it, I was a caregiver, not a wife, lover and friend like I am now. I cried plenty during that time. I also fell out of love. It took me a full two years. Almost 3. My XH was so overwhelmed with his own mental and emotional issues, he didn't even notice. By the time he finally realized it was over, I had dealt with my emotions, they were no longer raw, and I was confident in my decision.

Also, for those doing research on me, I had separated from my XH years before he finally agreed to the divorce. He fought it off as long as he could. So sorry, your timeline on me rebounding is inaccurate too.

Ciao,

Spicy

Last edited by Spicy; 12-14-2016 at 01:11 AM.
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post #39 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 11:25 AM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

Thanks for the timeline clarification.

I'm still thinking there's some unresolved feelings there but it's not as bad as it originally seemed.

That much being said, it's still a concern that you still refer to your exhusband as family and you carry such strong feelings and concern for him. I get that you are a very altruistic and caring person but at some point it will be healthier for you and your current relationship if you find a way to get past them once and for all.
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post #40 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-14-2016, 07:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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Thanks for the timeline clarification.

I'm still thinking there's some unresolved feelings there but it's not as bad as it originally seemed.

That much being said, it's still a concern that you still refer to your exhusband as family and you carry such strong feelings and concern for him. I get that you are a very altruistic and caring person but at some point it will be healthier for you and your current relationship if you find a way to get past them once and for all.
So true, I would rather not feel the way I do. Here's one thing that has helped me. I'm extremely close with my husbands mom. She has successfully maneuvered this situation already, (her first and second husband ended up best friends, I don't expect that of course!) she has been super helpful in telling me what to expect and reminding me that time makes things tremendously better. She also doesn't hate her ex, it was just a relationship that died. She warmly welcomes him and his LTGF to all family functions. So I have seen it in motion. I think it is a rarity though, and don't remotely hold out that hope for my situation, nor do I want that level of friendliness.

I agree, because I have spells where we don't converse at all for a month or two at a time. Those time spans are wonderful! We are all just hoping XH some day soon starts to move on and find some happiness. Him finding some happiness will have a great affect on our girls. Now they see the reality during their days with their dad, and get finally get it, because I am no longer there to absorb it all and fix things. To me it was better they realize all that on there own, over me pointing out all the reasons I divorced their father.


Ciao,

Spicy
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post #41 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 05:04 AM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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Yes and no. About every three months I would sit down with him and explain how hard all of this was on me, and that I couldn't keep going on this way, and for him to please seek help. He would improve for a couple weeks, then back to the same. The times he put forth effort to get professional help (psychiatrist) he would go once and then never follow through again. It made me feel so very unimportant to him.

The bottom line was though that he believed I would never leave. He was wrong.
Hmmmm...I can relate. To be honest, for me it was embarrassing to go and finally seek some help so I can understand.

Either way, it is old news. For the future though, if you ever need to have that talk with your new hubby, I would give an ultimatum. Sometimes "we" listen but don't actually "hear"...

All the Best...
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post #42 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 05:26 AM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

Spicy, while I see your situation from fsj's view so well, I simultaneously agree with 3x's urging that you remove yourself from the iTunes account and ask your mom to do what she will by maintaining contact with your ex but leave you completely out of it.

I say this not because I think you're hung up on your ex, but because I think it's the right thing to do for your own self and your current marriage, if that makes any sense.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #43 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 10:46 AM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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Um your wife was not listening to old romantic love songs once shared with her ex and you coming home to her crying about it. I get trying to be an evolved man or whatever but really.
I'll take being an evolved man as a huge compliment, thank you.

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Frankly yes everyone has moments of whimsy about people they were with or good times, most people have the courtesy however not to expect their spouse to comfort them when they are crying about it listing to old love songs (the fact that I have to even argue this point is beyond silly to me). She posted about it that shows that at least instinctively knows something is not right. Plus she has allowed her kids to judge her new husband without giving the facts about the old husband, meaning she prioritized protecting the old husband over the new one. Not a good sign.
I don't think she said she allowed her kids to judge her new husband. She said in post 11 that her youngest has "barely taken to her stepdad", which is understandable for a young child who still hopes that her parents will get back together. You can't dictate to your children how they will feel towards someone.

I take the fact that she has insulated her children from the reasons for the break up and not demeaned their father to them as a very good sign. No parent should try to turn their children against the other parent. The children have to work out their own relationships with both parents for themselves.
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post #44 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 11:40 AM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

I care for my ex to the extent that I would hope no bad things befall her. But that is for her to decide.
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post #45 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 02:21 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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Thank you @WonkyNinja and @farsidejunky, you guys get me.

The way this post is going I'm not sure that it matters to many give a few more details, since it seems to be more entertaining to make up all of my feelings and history. Sorry, but I'm not a drama mama. I am someone who cares about those that are my family. I don't have an on/off switch. I also didn't have the need to tell my kids every painful detail of what their father put me through. They are children, not marriage counselors.

The song I played and cried too was not "our song". There was truly nothing romantic about it. It was a recent song "I love the way you lie." I hit play on it simply because I like the song and didn't know we owned it. In actually listening to the words and knowing why my XH had put it into HIS playlist, made me feel sad, being reminded how much I hurt him and that he continues to hurt. I wish he didn't have to hurt anymore, from any of the things he suffers from. This of course must mean I can't wait to leave my very happy and secure marriage to my husband I am over the moon for, to go back to a parioid, depressed, hugely overweight and unattractive in every way XH that never leaves his bedroom where he sits in darkness.

Long before our separation and divorce I started to mourn the loss/failure of my marriage. That was back when I began to realize no matter what I did, nothing was ever going to change, and it would just continue to get worse. @doureallycare2, you nailed it, I was a caregiver, not a wife, lover and friend like I am now. I cried plenty during that time. I also fell out of love. It took me a full two years. Almost 3. My XH was so overwhelmed with his own mental and emotional issues, he didn't even notice. By the time he finally realized it was over, I had dealt with my emotions, they were no longer raw, and I was confident in my decision.

Also, for those doing research on me, I had separated from my XH years before he finally agreed to the divorce. He fought it off as long as he could. So sorry, your timeline on me rebounding is inaccurate too.

Spicy,i do get where your coming from, and in no way are robbing your current husband with the sympathy and empathy for your former husband. And i have to say that i feel your current husband is truly a man of strengthen and more importantly a man of compassion, to support you and the needs of your ex. let's face it, in this day and age its easy to hate, easy to throwaway a soul, its much harder to lend a hand or heart so as to allow another human being the ability to stand up on their own and make them whole.

I place this quote in another section but i feel it is also applicable here.

“Each one of us here today will at one time in our lives look upon a loved one who is in need and ask the same question: We are willing to help, Lord, but what, if anything, is needed? For it is true we can seldom help those closest to us. Either we don't know what part of ourselves to give or, more often than not, the part we have to give is not wanted. And so it is those we live with and should know who elude us. But we can still love them - we can love completely without complete understanding.”

take heart spicy, you can throw that life preserver to your ex, because you are fortunate to have life line with your current husband.
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