Thank you @WonkyNinja
, you guys get me.
The way this post is going I'm not sure that it matters to many give a few more details, since it seems to be more entertaining to make up all of my feelings and history. Sorry, but I'm not a drama mama. I am someone who cares about those that are my family. I don't have an on/off switch. I also didn't have the need to tell my kids every painful detail of what their father put me through. They are children, not marriage counselors.
The song I played and cried too was not "our song". There was truly nothing romantic about it. It was a recent song "I love the way you lie." I hit play on it simply because I like the song and didn't know we owned it. In actually listening to the words and knowing why my XH had put it into HIS playlist, made me feel sad, being reminded how much I hurt him and that he continues to hurt. I wish he didn't have to hurt anymore, from any of the things he suffers from. This of course must mean I can't wait to leave my very happy and secure marriage to my husband I am over the moon for, to go back to a parioid, depressed, hugely overweight and unattractive in every way XH that never leaves his bedroom where he sits in darkness.
Long before our separation and divorce I started to mourn the loss/failure of my marriage. That was back when I began to realize no matter what I did, nothing was ever going to change, and it would just continue to get worse. @doureallycare2
, you nailed it, I was a caregiver, not a wife, lover and friend like I am now. I cried plenty during that time. I also fell out of love. It took me a full two years. Almost 3. My XH was so overwhelmed with his own mental and emotional issues, he didn't even notice. By the time he finally realized it was over, I had dealt with my emotions, they were no longer raw, and I was confident in my decision.
Also, for those doing research on me, I had separated from my XH years before he finally agreed to the divorce. He fought it off as long as he could. So sorry, your timeline on me rebounding is inaccurate too.