Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #46 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-15-2016, 06:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

@Satya. You are very right. With my mom it's odd. Again where parents would perhaps be upset at their child's spouse for messing up thier kids life, she doesn't feel that way. She feels the same as my husband and I for him, empathy for him dealing with these emotional challenges. Since he is so much of a hermit loner, she rarely interacts with him either. Turns out that they had just went out to pizza with our girls, and she asked him that question. So although I don't think it will come up much (her relating things to me about XH) I think the advice to ask her to not tell me at all is very sound. I will continue to be aware of a lot in his life just from the dialog with our girls in joint custody, and that is plenty for me.

@tailrider3 Thank you, noted! Hubby and I are together 24/7 because of our jobs and situation, and we are both big communicators. Anyone that spends anytime around us is probably thinking, "do these two knuckleheads ever shut up?" Even though that would perhaps help us avoid this type of thing, you are right. With my XH I only kept saying how unhappy I was and that I couldn't continue like this. Obviously that was too subtle.

@WonkyNinja You nailed it again.

@Xenote You capture my feelings exactly. I am insanely proud to have a husband that is so strong, kind, empathetic and also completely secure in our relationship. It has been hard to stand by and hear all these mean things about him in this thread because of my post. I think he has been amazing. The way he handles it has helped our daughters to adapt and know that their stepdad is such a good man. He frequently asks them how he is doing etc. Your post was beautiful to me, thank you. I feel that I have been extremely blessed that he entered our lives. I'm insanely in love with my KISA, even if that term is meant by some to be a negative, it is a huge positive to me!


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post #47 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-17-2016, 07:47 AM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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Wow guys...kinda brutal on a one time cry....

I fell out of love with my XH a decade ago. I would never, EVER go back to him and the constant misery my life was. NEVER.

...

What I am gleaning from this discussion is that most that are divorced strongly dislike or perhaps hate who they divorced. Or perhaps they have no experience with an Ex with severe emotional and mental issues. Either way, I will agree to disagree.

My husband and I will continue to be kind to my XH and to show him respect, and speak well of him always in front of our daughters. I really hope he finds love again and at some point aggressively works on his other issues.
Hello Spicy - I relate to your feelings very much.

Despite the situation my relationship ended amicably, but it was painful.

Pain can often accompany the act of 'doing the right thing'. Just because it hurts doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong. The pain means we're human. We do not have to be mean, resentful, or hurtful. We are free to be respectful, compassionate, and caring.

.........><)))#">
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post #48 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-19-2016, 12:14 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

Spicy,

It sounds like you have some good discernment regarding some of the reply's you've received. Its always a scary thing when you look for advice.


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post #49 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-20-2016, 04:23 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

I am a guy, but I have the same issues. She left me for another guy. But he just used her and dumped her pretty quickly after she left me. He was already married to someone else with two pre-teen kids at home. Given that he was 56 and married to his wife for 30 years -- he made the smart move by opting not to pay alimony and child support into his retirement years. Unfortunately, our marriage was destroyed. We made it nearly 14 years. We were together for 20.

I still love her deeply. And I wonder when this will end. Of course, it's only been seven months. Perhaps time? More time I mean?

I'm just wondering how I'm going to get through Christmas. Thanksgiving was God awful. Not the fault of the host. It just wasn't right. But I just don't want to be around anyone. Period. Well, I do want to be around her. But that's not happening. Not this year. Probably not ever. I've come to accept that. It hurts, but I've accepted it. I suppose this is part of "moving on."

Still -- if any of you have any tips for surviving what had once been the best day of the year, I'd like to hear them. Because right now, I don't want to do anything except cancel Christmas.
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post #50 of 56 (permalink) Old 12-22-2016, 12:03 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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Still -- if any of you have any tips for surviving what had once been the best day of the year, I'd like to hear them. Because right now, I don't want to do anything except cancel Christmas.

I bet you can get a lot of advice but you may need to start your own thread. I feel your pain.


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post #51 of 56 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 11:55 AM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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I married my first love, we were both twenty and had five happy years and two babies before his mental and emotional health went terribly bad. Although I gave him an additional 15 years of my life, I couldn't fix his problems and I had nothing left to give after trying for so long, and getting nothing in return.

Our divorce involved no hatred, only sadness. We stood arm in arm crying as the judge pronounced us divorced. It was such a horrible day.

Three years have passed now, and I am very happily remarried to an upbeat, wonderful man. I of course still have contact with my ex, and see him at least twice a week for transferring kids etc. My mom still lives in his town, and sees him regularly, and tells me how he seems, and what he expresses to her (he is still very in love with me, and his depression is worse than ever). I hate hearing these things as there is nothing I can do. We have over 20 years of history and two beautiful daughters that will forever bind us.

This last weekend as I started my housework, and as I went into my ITunes I see a playlist with the pet name my XH used for me. (We still share iTunes due to the epic amount of $ we put into our music/movies on there.) I look at this list, and it starts with "our song" that we did our first dance to at our wedding and then continues on to have quite a few more meaningful songs in it, and then a bunch of super sad songs about love lost, broken-heartedness etc. Turns out it was an old list that he made while we were divorcing, but it still was so sad.

I only played one song, (mistake) and the cry fest was on. My hubby was like what is going on? I explain. He is understanding, comforts me and we move on with our day. I still hold onto a lot of guilt for leaving. I always feel like I should have been stronger for him, to have stayed till our girls were grown no matter what. Part of me thinks I always will.

Has anyone else divorced yet has no strong negative emotions for their ex?
I still love him very much as a person, care about his continued struggles.

Let me throw in here that my current hubby is very patient in regard to my ex. They don't interact, though they have met, do the courtesy wave etc. He feels no jealousy about him, and seems to really understand my feelings. He came from a divorced home, I did not. He was 18 though when his parents divorced. Oddly enough his dad and his step dad (who didn't meet until his mothers wedding to his stepdad) have ended up being best friends. They are both always at all family functions together. He!!, they even bought property together and built a cabin! So my husband has a very positive feeling about maintaining amicable relationships with exes.

Just curious how others that divorced on good terms (oxymoron I know) handled/are handling their relationship with their ex?

I just got around to reading this. You are very brave in writing this. You are a very emphatic person. I am happy for you.

If I were your current husband, I honestly would be very jealous, but would keep my feelings hidden. I presume your husband knew the back-story before asking you for your hand, asking for your body, asking for the rest of your life. In thinking about this, your new husband came to the conclusion that you gave your Ex ~20 years of your life. You were fair. You showed character and solidity. You remained a catch.
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post #52 of 56 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 05:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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I just got around to reading this. You are very brave in writing this. You are a very emphatic person. I am happy for you.

If I were your current husband, I honestly would be very jealous, but would keep my feelings hidden. I presume your husband knew the back-story before asking you for your hand, asking for your body, asking for the rest of your life. In thinking about this, your new husband came to the conclusion that you gave your Ex ~20 years of your life. You were fair. You showed character and solidity. You remained a catch.
Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. My husband definitely isn't jealous at all over my XH. He also knows the backstory in full, glaring detail. That is why he is able to feel such empathy also. We don't hide our feelings, even if sharing them with each other is awkward, or may envoke the occasional hurt feelings. We both wear our hearts on our sleeves, and have zero poker face. If I ever got even the slightest vibe that he was hurt or jealous, I would make every adjustment to change. He is my priority, without a doubt. I am head over heels in love with this man, for a million reasons.

Ciao,

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post #53 of 56 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 08:07 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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I married my first love, we were both twenty and had five happy years and two babies before his mental and emotional health went terribly bad. Although I gave him an additional 15 years of my life, I couldn't fix his problems and I had nothing left to give after trying for so long, and getting nothing in return.

Our divorce involved no hatred, only sadness. We stood arm in arm crying as the judge pronounced us divorced. It was such a horrible day.

Three years have passed now, and I am very happily remarried to an upbeat, wonderful man. I of course still have contact with my ex, and see him at least twice a week for transferring kids etc. My mom still lives in his town, and sees him regularly, and tells me how he seems, and what he expresses to her (he is still very in love with me, and his depression is worse than ever). I hate hearing these things as there is nothing I can do. We have over 20 years of history and two beautiful daughters that will forever bind us.

This last weekend as I started my housework, and as I went into my ITunes I see a playlist with the pet name my XH used for me. (We still share iTunes due to the epic amount of $ we put into our music/movies on there.) I look at this list, and it starts with "our song" that we did our first dance to at our wedding and then continues on to have quite a few more meaningful songs in it, and then a bunch of super sad songs about love lost, broken-heartedness etc. Turns out it was an old list that he made while we were divorcing, but it still was so sad.

I only played one song, (mistake) and the cry fest was on. My hubby was like what is going on? I explain. He is understanding, comforts me and we move on with our day. I still hold onto a lot of guilt for leaving. I always feel like I should have been stronger for him, to have stayed till our girls were grown no matter what. Part of me thinks I always will.

Has anyone else divorced yet has no strong negative emotions for their ex?
I still love him very much as a person, care about his continued struggles.

Let me throw in here that my current hubby is very patient in regard to my ex. They don't interact, though they have met, do the courtesy wave etc. He feels no jealousy about him, and seems to really understand my feelings. He came from a divorced home, I did not. He was 18 though when his parents divorced. Oddly enough his dad and his step dad (who didn't meet until his mothers wedding to his stepdad) have ended up being best friends. They are both always at all family functions together. He!!, they even bought property together and built a cabin! So my husband has a very positive feeling about maintaining amicable relationships with exes.

Just curious how others that divorced on good terms (oxymoron I know) handled/are handling their relationship with their ex?
I think its a big mistake that a)your mother still sees him and b)that she tells you things he has said etc. You need to cut off all contact except for literally passing the children(and maybe you new husband could do that?). The more you have him as part of your life the harder it will be to move on.
I do wonder if you married again too soon, to be married again after only 3 years when you clearly haven't cut the ties was maybe unwise, it was 6 years till I married again after my divorce.

You husband is being very patient, but he is your husband now, and the past needs to stay in the past.Think of you husband now, focus only on him, cut ties with the ex as much as you can, and if your mother wont stop seeing the ex, then tell her not to pass on any information about him. Living with regret and guilt is so destructive and unhelpful for you and your marriage.
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post #54 of 56 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 08:12 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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I married my first love, we were both twenty and had five happy years and two babies before his mental and emotional health went terribly bad. Although I gave him an additional 15 years of my life, I couldn't fix his problems and I had nothing left to give after trying for so long, and getting nothing in return.

Our divorce involved no hatred, only sadness. We stood arm in arm crying as the judge pronounced us divorced. It was such a horrible day.

Three years have passed now, and I am very happily remarried to an upbeat, wonderful man. I of course still have contact with my ex, and see him at least twice a week for transferring kids etc. My mom still lives in his town, and sees him regularly, and tells me how he seems, and what he expresses to her (he is still very in love with me, and his depression is worse than ever). I hate hearing these things as there is nothing I can do. We have over 20 years of history and two beautiful daughters that will forever bind us.

This last weekend as I started my housework, and as I went into my ITunes I see a playlist with the pet name my XH used for me. (We still share iTunes due to the epic amount of $ we put into our music/movies on there.) I look at this list, and it starts with "our song" that we did our first dance to at our wedding and then continues on to have quite a few more meaningful songs in it, and then a bunch of super sad songs about love lost, broken-heartedness etc. Turns out it was an old list that he made while we were divorcing, but it still was so sad.

I only played one song, (mistake) and the cry fest was on. My hubby was like what is going on? I explain. He is understanding, comforts me and we move on with our day. I still hold onto a lot of guilt for leaving. I always feel like I should have been stronger for him, to have stayed till our girls were grown no matter what. Part of me thinks I always will.

Has anyone else divorced yet has no strong negative emotions for their ex?
I still love him very much as a person, care about his continued struggles.

Let me throw in here that my current hubby is very patient in regard to my ex. They don't interact, though they have met, do the courtesy wave etc. He feels no jealousy about him, and seems to really understand my feelings. He came from a divorced home, I did not. He was 18 though when his parents divorced. Oddly enough his dad and his step dad (who didn't meet until his mothers wedding to his stepdad) have ended up being best friends. They are both always at all family functions together. He!!, they even bought property together and built a cabin! So my husband has a very positive feeling about maintaining amicable relationships with exes.

Just curious how others that divorced on good terms (oxymoron I know) handled/are handling their relationship with their ex?
I think its a big mistake that a)your mother still sees him and b)that she tells you things he has said etc. You need to cut off all contact except for literally passing the children(and maybe you new husband could do that?). The more you have him as part of your life the harder it will be to move on.
I do wonder if you married again too soon, to be married again after only 3 years when you clearly haven't cut the ties was maybe unwise, it was 6 years till I married again after my divorce.

You husband is being very patient, but he is your husband now, and the past needs to stay in the past.Think of you husband now, focus only on him, cut ties with the ex as much as you can, and if your mother wont stop seeing the ex, then tell her not to pass on any information about him. Living with regret and guilt is so destructive and unhelpful for you and your marriage.
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post #55 of 56 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 03:44 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

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I think its a big mistake that a)your mother still sees him and b)that she tells you things he has said etc. You need to cut off all contact except for literally passing the children(and maybe you new husband could do that?). The more you have him as part of your life the harder it will be to move on.
I do wonder if you married again too soon, to be married again after only 3 years when you clearly haven't cut the ties was maybe unwise, it was 6 years till I married again after my divorce.

You husband is being very patient, but he is your husband now, and the past needs to stay in the past.Think of you husband now, focus only on him, cut ties with the ex as much as you can, and if your mother wont stop seeing the ex, then tell her not to pass on any information about him. Living with regret and guilt is so destructive and unhelpful for you and your marriage.
Thank you for your reply. Yes, my mom, XH and children all attend the same church, so they do see each other some. Because of his anxiety I don't think he goes much though. My motto with my mom is "Let's not discuss XH". Still, occasionally she tells me something and it is usually related to the concerns we all share about my youngest who has the emotional problems of her dad. We worry about suicide etc. I agree that you are right, but it seems nearly impossible to not hear things about my kids dad...they live with him half the time, talk about him all the time etc. Plus, my mom occasionally voicing her concern to me about him and by extension our girls.

You are right, my DH is very patient about this matter. In his romantic life he had no relatonships that ended badly. He is still on great terms with his exes, though he has no children so he doesn't keep in touch with them much at all. I think because of this and his parents he completely gets where I am coming from in still having compassion for the dad of my girls. I agree with you, my DH deserves all of my attention. I would say him and my girls get 99.9% of it. .1% does go to empathy for their dad. I don't see that I will ever lose that. It is part of how God made me. I will always hope for the best for him and have care for him.

How true it is for me not to hang on to the guilt of leaving my marriage. I am tremendously better than I was at first. I was truly overrun by guilt. That's why I waited as long as I did to date. I was in no shape to be a good partner in life. The guilt still hits me once in a while, but it is getting less and less as the years pass.

I think however I worded this post has led many to think I am not over my XH. Nothing could be further than the truth. As I said, we were separated and just living on different floors of the house for a very long time before physical separation and divorce. I am completely confident that I was totally ready to remarry, and doing that is one of the best decisions I have made in the last decade. I just wish I would have met my DH even sooner.


Ciao,

Spicy
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post #56 of 56 (permalink) Old 01-20-2017, 08:41 PM
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Re: Relationship post divorce...when you still really care about your Ex

Wow, @Spicy you sure took a beating on this thread. I'm really surprised....well, I guess not really because this is TAM...so many people have been burned and/or betrayed.

I'm still friends with my ex-h and I always will be. He and I are truly just friends now, but we are good friends. He is part of my family, and through our divorce he was able to remain in touch with all of them, even though it was hard at first. Now everything is fine. We do not want to be together again. We loved each other dearly and our breakup wasn't like yours...but it was a necessary thing and we both agreed to it happening (even though it was the hardest decision of both of our lives).

It took awhile for us to adjust but now...everything is great.

I talked about this on a thread of mine once and got a little bit of push back from people who felt the way some of the posters on this thread feel. I have to take it all in stride because no one here knows me or the situation, and I know it is a good friendship and that's all that matters (I wasn't asking anyone for advice or comment about my friendship with him at all).

My parents were divorced, and I've been through it too, I've also worked for a family law attorney and saw dozens of divorces that way. It is absolutely true that some people can remain friends, or simply care about each other forever like family (like you feel about your ex-h), and be good and kind to each other, keep each other in our prayers, and hold our heads high. This doesn't mean we want to be together again.

When I was a child, it hurt my feelings that my parents weren't more civil. They were ok, but not friendly in the least. I always felt like "hey you two, YOU are the ones who made ME now YOU should be the bigger person and realize that you loved my other parent enough at one time to MAKE ME so now deal with it and just be nice to each other!" To me it wasn't fair that they would be "rude" to my other parent, right in front of me. I was of course too young to understand their dynamic, and now I realize given everything that happened they really were about a civil as they could have been toward each other. But through that experience I wanted to look for examples of people who were kind and were friends who were divorced. I had a couple of great examples of this in my family, and then of course saw many more at the family law office.

No doubt I also saw contentious divorced people, and in many cases, it simply has to be this way (I don't expect anyone to be friends with someone who totally f*cked them over). And I respect anyone who simply wouldn't want to hold any ties to their ex.

But for the exes who can remain friends, or simply care deeply about each other, or just remain in touch briefly even....it is heartwarming, to me.

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