I already know what I should do - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #31 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 07:23 PM
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Re: I already know what I should do

So ynot, was she marriage material? A good woman?

Did you just not think you'd ever feel that strongly about her?

Did she do it for you physically? Mentally? We're you compatible?

I get the not going for marriage again. But nothing wrong with her liking you a lot. Most guys would like that.
Was she just smothering you?

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post #32 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 07:40 PM
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Re: I already know what I should do


This is all one needs to know about this behavior.
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post #33 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 08:28 PM
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Re: I already know what I should do

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
So ynot, was she marriage material? A good woman?

Did you just not think you'd ever feel that strongly about her?

Did she do it for you physically? Mentally? We're you compatible?

I get the not going for marriage again. But nothing wrong with her liking you a lot. Most guys would like that.
Was she just smothering you?
I'm a little gobsmacked that folks think he should even be able to answer all these questions definitively after only knowing this woman for 6 weeks. That's less than two months. I go longer than that between hair color appointments! Even with my SO, at the 6 week mark, we were still getting to know one another. We were exclusive and having a great time together learning about one another, but I would have been hard pressed to honestly say whether or not I saw possible marriage in our future or even long-term deep compatibility.

Are other people really finding 6 weeks long enough to know whether a new partner is marriage material or a potential long-term love? Maybe I'm just slower than most. But honestly, the level of intensity and drama that this gal was displaying, coming from a guy at the less than two months point, would have scared the hell out of me and had me running for the hills.

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post #34 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 08:36 PM
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Re: I already know what I should do

You dodged a problem. Don't get back together with her - move on.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #35 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 08:51 PM
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Re: I already know what I should do

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I'm a little gobsmacked that folks think he should even be able to answer all these questions definitively after only knowing this woman for 6 weeks. That's less than two months. I go longer than that between hair color appointments! Even with my SO, at the 6 week mark, we were still getting to know one another. We were exclusive and having a great time together learning about one another, but I would have been hard pressed to honestly say whether or not I saw possible marriage in our future or even long-term deep compatibility.

Are other people really finding 6 weeks long enough to know whether a new partner is marriage material or a potential long-term love? Maybe I'm just slower than most. But honestly, the level of intensity and drama that this gal was displaying, coming from a guy at the less than two months point, would have scared the hell out of me and had me running for the hills.
6 weeks is long enough to see if one likes them enough to possibly consider it if things went well, as far as liking them--- to ME.
The girls in my life that I've really liked--- only been 4---
Yeah, I thought they might be marriage material at 6 weeks. And I was crazy about them at 6 weeks. When I got to know the real them, I later changed.
Likely ynot just for whatever reason didn't care for this woman that much.
He was honest as can be expected, I think. She did sound pushy and needy and desperate. He's not.
Nothing wrong me with that.
He did the right thing. If he wasn't that high on her--- send her down the road. It's the risk one takes when investing feelings. Sadly, the old girl invested before she should have. Sounds like he was honest with her all along and never told her he loved her.
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post #36 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 10:02 PM
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Re: I already know what I should do

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I think some of you are confusing marriage with commitment. One does not have to be married to be committed.

I personally miss being married mostly because I imagined the commitment that went along with it. However, having just gone thru the legal unraveling I see no need for marriage at this point. I would love to find a woman to whom we could mutually commit to each other.

Honestly, this dating "game" I find myself in, is not something I ever envisioned for myself at this point in time. I am going to make mistakes. But that is how we learn.
Agree completely on your "no need for marriage" comment. After 20 years of marriage and a long, messy divorce I am in a happy LTR and see no need to ever get married again. My SO feels exactly the same way.

You did the right thing moving on from this one.

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post #37 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 11:25 PM
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Cool Re: I already know what I should do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
But I am just putting this out there.
I have been dating this woman for about 6 weeks. Early on we had a discussion about expectations. She said she still believed in the institution of marriage and that she would like to get married at some point. I told her I didn't and could see no real reason to marry at this point in my life.
Over the past several weeks, whenever we talk, she tells me she is really crazy about me and then asks if I am crazy about her. She has told me I am a great lover and then asks do I think she is a great lover. She has told me that she really misses me and then asks if I really miss her. The list goes on.
My point is that I feel I am constantly being asked to validate her, even though she also tells me she would be fine if I decided to end it. We spent a lot of time together over Thanksgiving and I got sort of wigged out by being with just one person for that long of period of time. I chalked it up to me becoming used to being alone. We had a talk and she said she had the same feeling. So we decided to take things a little slower going forward.
Since then, the validation thing has only gotten worse. I think she is very insecure. She keeps telling me she does not want to get hurt. At the same time she keeps telling me she would be fine if I end it.
So on Saturday, I told her that I am uncomfortable continually being asked to validate her feelings by reciprocating. She asks and then expects a certain response. "I am really crazy about you! Are you crazy about me?" If I say "I enjoy spending time with you" It is usually followed with "You only enjoy being with me!? I am crazy about you!" So I told her, I cannot tell you I love you, because I do not. If you want me to say that, I am not going to lie! Her response was to get extremely upset. She started crying and said she had to go.
She called me back and told me she didn't want this to end and she was fine with moving forward. Then she said she had to go again. Then the texts started - she called me scum, said I was using her, told me I should be ashamed of myself etc etc. I finally replied with "WTH, I am just trying to be honest". The next day she sent me a text asking if I could call her. So I called her that evening. She said she was at a friends house having dinner and she would call me later. She did call me later, but my phone was turned off and I didn't see that she had called. I called her back and she didn't answer so I left her a voice mail. Then I saw I had a voice mail from her. She said I must be playing games since I wouldn't answer my phone. Then she texted me again that all of her friends said she should just move on. Then another text that I really mean a lot to her.
I just don't want the drama. I spent 24 years trying to be someone else to the detriment of who I am. I do not want to be in another relationship where I can not be honest. I understand that she may have expectations, but that doesn't mean I have to try to live up to them. So I am ending it.
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post #38 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 06:01 AM
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Re: I already know what I should do

I just wanted to say that not all women see marriage paper's as important. My ex wife clearly told me our marriage license was just as piece of paper. Maybe she is in the minority on this but I doubt that since she wants to marry her boyfriend who doesn't really want to marry her but she sure does push it. I agree with the OP because right now I'm not looking to get married anytime soon or go out dating. I'm focusing on my children because they need me more then ever right now. Maybe I just picked a bad apple.

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post #39 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 11:01 AM
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Re: I already know what I should do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
But I am just putting this out there.
I have been dating this woman for about 6 weeks. Early on we had a discussion about expectations. She said she still believed in the institution of marriage and that she would like to get married at some point. I told her I didn't and could see no real reason to marry at this point in my life.
Over the past several weeks, whenever we talk, she tells me she is really crazy about me and then asks if I am crazy about her. She has told me I am a great lover and then asks do I think she is a great lover. She has told me that she really misses me and then asks if I really miss her. The list goes on.
My point is that I feel I am constantly being asked to validate her, even though she also tells me she would be fine if I decided to end it. We spent a lot of time together over Thanksgiving and I got sort of wigged out by being with just one person for that long of period of time. I chalked it up to me becoming used to being alone. We had a talk and she said she had the same feeling. So we decided to take things a little slower going forward.
Since then, the validation thing has only gotten worse. I think she is very insecure. She keeps telling me she does not want to get hurt. At the same time she keeps telling me she would be fine if I end it.
So on Saturday, I told her that I am uncomfortable continually being asked to validate her feelings by reciprocating. She asks and then expects a certain response. "I am really crazy about you! Are you crazy about me?" If I say "I enjoy spending time with you" It is usually followed with "You only enjoy being with me!? I am crazy about you!" So I told her, I cannot tell you I love you, because I do not. If you want me to say that, I am not going to lie! Her response was to get extremely upset. She started crying and said she had to go.
She called me back and told me she didn't want this to end and she was fine with moving forward. Then she said she had to go again. Then the texts started - she called me scum, said I was using her, told me I should be ashamed of myself etc etc. I finally replied with "WTH, I am just trying to be honest". The next day she sent me a text asking if I could call her. So I called her that evening. She said she was at a friends house having dinner and she would call me later. She did call me later, but my phone was turned off and I didn't see that she had called. I called her back and she didn't answer so I left her a voice mail. Then I saw I had a voice mail from her. She said I must be playing games since I wouldn't answer my phone. Then she texted me again that all of her friends said she should just move on. Then another text that I really mean a lot to her.
I just don't want the drama. I spent 24 years trying to be someone else to the detriment of who I am. I do not want to be in another relationship where I can not be honest. I understand that she may have expectations, but that doesn't mean I have to try to live up to them. So I am ending it.
Learn to live without a woman.

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post #40 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 01:19 PM
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Re: I already know what I should do

Ynot did good here. He let her know from the get go he was not interested in marriage. She was desperately needy, seeking constant validation. How annoying!! She sounded pretty psycho to me, the way she went off on him, then in practically the next breath clinging onto him saying how much she likes him.

NEXT.


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post #41 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 01:43 PM
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Re: I already know what I should do

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Originally Posted by Kivlor View Post
If you aren't willing to go there, and in fact, don't "believe in the institution of marriage" then you should just make that clear. Don't put in weasel words that give the impression you can be changed.
I'm not saying you did this with nefarious intent, but the result is as SunC and I were describing.
@Ynot made it clear that he's not interested in marriage at this point in his life.

That says enough. Who knows if it might change down the line? People dead set against marriage sometimes change their minds, who knows?

He made it clear that marriage is off the table indefinitely and possibly forever.

That's ALL he's gotta say.

Quote:
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They'll think you're like every other guy out there who has "commitment issues" and that you'll come around
They can think anything they want, and that's THEIR problem. Not his. Or any other guy who says he's not interested in marriage at that particular time, with no promises that things will change in the future.
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post #42 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 02:12 PM
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Re: I already know what I should do

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@Ynot made it clear that he's not interested in marriage at this point in his life.

That says enough. Who knows if it might change down the line? People dead set against marriage sometimes change their minds, who knows?

He made it clear that marriage is off the table indefinitely and possibly forever.

That's ALL he's gotta say.



They can think anything they want, and that's THEIR problem. Not his. Or any other guy who says he's not interested in marriage at that particular time, with no promises that things will change in the future.
Who's clingy? Can he be without a woman?

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post #43 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 04:49 PM
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Re: I already know what I should do

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Who's clingy? Can he be without a woman?

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I can't speak for @Ynot but I can relate because I've been in a similar position in the past, after my own divorce 10 years ago.

Marriage is completely off the table, it aint never gonna happen I have absolutely no doubt about that and I make it clear from date 1. I may have even had it on my dating profile at one time. So I take a somewhat stronger stand on the matter than @Ynot but it's really not all that different.

I've never been single for more than a few months in the past 30+ years of my life. After my divorce, and in between my various relationships which have ranged from months to years, I'd try to give myself a break to heal but that usually only lasted for a few days then I'd find myself back on line chatting and setting up dates for the following weekend.

Does this mean I cannot be alone and or that I'm clingy? That I cannot be without a woman?

I don't know. I choose not to be without one because they're soft and sexy and smell nice and their hands feel better on me than my own.
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post #44 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 04:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I already know what I should do

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Who's clingy? Can he be without a woman?

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Um, yeah. Did I ever say I needed a woman? I was not the one seeking constant validation. How does that make me clingy?

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #45 of 77 (permalink) Old 12-13-2016, 04:52 PM
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Re: I already know what I should do

I would dump her ASAP. She sounds crazy and high maintenance. No sense in keeping her around if she is not a longer term prospect. Honestly she sounds like more trouble than she is worth.

I will say I would rather a man tell me upfront marriage is totally off the table so I can make decisions whether or not I want to date him. And I have no problem if he changes his mind down the road.

My current BF is in the never going to marry again category. It will be two years in March. I felt the same way when we started dating. I am still not sure but I am slowly considering maybe I could. It wouldnt be with him though as I dont see him as marriage material even though he is a good enough BF.
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