My ex-wife has signs of BPD.... Are there any books or support groups in dealing with this kind of stuff?
Thomas, as you've already discovered, this TAM forum has numerous active members who want to support you -- based on their own experiences with BPDer ex-partners. In my case, for example, I lived with my BPDer exW for 15 years.
Another good source of support, to supplement your support here at TAM, is the Co-Parenting after the Split
forum at BPDfamily.com. That forum consists of members, like you, who must deal with their BPDer ex-partners because they have shared custody of the children.
I suggest that, while you are at that website, you read two BPDfamily articles: Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD
and Leaving a Partner with BPD
. I also recommend these free online articles: Fathers Divorcing
, and High Risk Parenting
, and Pain of Breaking Up
, and Divorcing a Narcissist
As to a helpful book, I suggest you take a look at Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
. Although your divorce is already final, that book may contain useful tips on co-parenting and legal fighting. Before purchasing it, however, be sure to read some of the "Big River" reviews by people who have read it.
Finally, please keep in mind that -- if your exW is a BPDer -- it will be IMPOSSIBLE for you to build up a store of good will that you can later draw on during the hard times. Trying to do so would be as foolish as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. The reason is that a BPDer's perception of reality is largely dictated by the intense feeling she is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT. Hence, no matter what concessions and sacrifices you make today, any appreciation your exW feels will be washed aside by the next intense feeling flooding her mind.
I mention this because it is important that you establish firm boundaries on the co-parenting and be quick to enforce them using your attorney. Being generous or lenient likely will only reduce the contact time with your child and buy you no real concessions in the future. Again, it is impossible to build up a lasting store of good will with a BPDer.