My history with my ex-wife was posted recently to the thread "Co-Parenting Challenges After Divorce" on this board - I suspect she has BPD. We are currently in a dispute over Date Night time spent with the girls (she has 75% custodial time with the girls so for each 1 day period they are with her I've taken them out to dinner on dates), where lately she has been restricting my established access to the girls in order to create more time with them and her new husband. My lawyer is involved in this and things are moving toward mediation (ultimately court order if she continues to be difficult) - I'm feeling good that will be resolved in time and I'm continuing to push for what is best for my daughters.
As a side product to this, my ex-wife just sent an e-mail that contains a false allegation involving the medical care of our 5 year old (who has an advanced heart condition).
I wanted to have an open dialogue about [DD 5yr old] medication. This evening when I was giving her the medicine, [DD 5yr old] mentioned that she doesn't get amoxicillin, epanded (enalripril) vitamin or aspirinat your house. I asked if she already took half a tablet of aspirin since the doctors have increased her dose to half a tablet twice a day. She said no. [DD 8yr old] chimed in and said that [DD 5yr old] only gets the shot (lovenox) when with you.
In fact both girls were adamant that [DD 5yr old] never gets any medicine at your house except for lovenox, which I find hard to believe. I know you and I have been actively discussing if we were going to continue administering lovenox, however I'm not aware of any concerns regarding any of the other medicines she receives.
Are you giving her these medicines? Do you have any concerns with her current medication that we need to discuss?
[DD 5yr old] is supposed to have another appointment at CNMC later next week, which is dependent upon her getting a consistent and proper dose of aspirin - half tablet, twice a day. If she doesn't get the correct dosing the result of the blood test is skewed. The doctors could determine that aspirin is not an anti-coagulant for [DD 5yr old]/her body rejects it when it actually is helping her, or possibly increase it causing a dose that is too high for her body to handle.
I reacted too quickly in sending her this (my mistake in feeding the BPDs need for drama) immediately as a response. I shouldn't have written from am emotional place, and my deeper frustration at her making this allegation up and bringing our daughters into the middle of it (blaming their words; which I'm sure they never spoke):
I do not appreciate you lieing about this. I am aware of [DD 5yr old] shot and medication schedule, she receives them during bedtime and in the mornings. What are you trying to pull here?
She (her husband I assume, since I've never seen her this restrained in her response to conflict) wrote:
I do not appreciate being called a liar or accusing me of trying to "pull something". This type of a response does not facilitate productive conversations between us.
A few weeks ago we all had an email exchange about being able to openly communicate with one another to better co-parent the girls when this exact type of situation occurs. In that email you said [new husband] and I could come to you and you wouldn't feel attacked.
How would you recommend we communicate when the girls come home saying one thing and we want to discuss it with you?
I wrote back (what I should have responded with originally):
This is about [DD 5yr old], not us. You are misinformed about her shots/medication routine. She receives them all. Is there anything relating to [5 yr old] and her medication schedule you are still concerned about or want to discuss?
(more language that isn't in her vocabulary):
You're right - this specific example is about [DD 5yr old], but it's also about us.
You and I need to be able to freely communicate and be able to ask one another questions when there is a discrepancy between what the girls say and what we assume is occurring at the other parents house.
I assumed you were giving the medicine, but the girls said otherwise. If I hear the girls say something of importance - you and I would both agree that [DD 5yr old] medicine is - I have the responsibility to follow up and investigate or ask hard questions. Undoubtedly you would do the same.
We recently had an email exchange about co-parenting and how each parent shouldn't feel attacked when faced with difficult conversations. We love our girls and want what is best for them. In this situation, asking if all medicines were given is what's best for [DD 5yr old].
I'd like to understand - in a productive manner - why there is a descrepency between what the girls said and what you said without putting them in the middle.
So I responded with:
I cannot address your "discrepancy" issue but I can assure you that [DD 5yr old] is getting her medications when she is with me.
they finally wrote:
Great. Thanks [me]. I assumed as much, but needed to do my due diligence and ask the question.
First, let this be a lesson in dealing with BPD. My initial response isn't doing me any favors in her attempt to vilify me to her new husband (who is helping her craft these e-mails). I've learned how reacting emotionally fuels them and makes things worse... despite that I still make this mistake once in a blue moon (ugh). You see how she backs down when the conversation is dialed back to the issue at hand (our daughter) logic devoid of emotion.
Should I be concerned about her, with this? I know that exes are capable of all kinds of damaging and destructive behavior if/when they feel threatened about their custody of the children/ What can I do to protect myself from such allegations as the ones above? It scares me, frankly. :\
I don't doubt that the next time I see her she's going to have prepped my youngest to say something she wants her to in regard to this. I'm already anticipating it and stopping it short saying "this is something you and I should talk about... without the children."