Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 11:31 AM Thread Starter
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Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

My history with my ex-wife was posted recently to the thread "Co-Parenting Challenges After Divorce" on this board - I suspect she has BPD. We are currently in a dispute over Date Night time spent with the girls (she has 75% custodial time with the girls so for each 1 day period they are with her I've taken them out to dinner on dates), where lately she has been restricting my established access to the girls in order to create more time with them and her new husband. My lawyer is involved in this and things are moving toward mediation (ultimately court order if she continues to be difficult) - I'm feeling good that will be resolved in time and I'm continuing to push for what is best for my daughters.

As a side product to this, my ex-wife just sent an e-mail that contains a false allegation involving the medical care of our 5 year old (who has an advanced heart condition).

She wrote:
Quote:
Hi [me],

I wanted to have an open dialogue about [DD 5yr old] medication. This evening when I was giving her the medicine, [DD 5yr old] mentioned that she doesn't get amoxicillin, epanded (enalripril) vitamin or aspirinat your house. I asked if she already took half a tablet of aspirin since the doctors have increased her dose to half a tablet twice a day. She said no. [DD 8yr old] chimed in and said that [DD 5yr old] only gets the shot (lovenox) when with you.

In fact both girls were adamant that [DD 5yr old] never gets any medicine at your house except for lovenox, which I find hard to believe. I know you and I have been actively discussing if we were going to continue administering lovenox, however I'm not aware of any concerns regarding any of the other medicines she receives.

Are you giving her these medicines? Do you have any concerns with her current medication that we need to discuss?

[DD 5yr old] is supposed to have another appointment at CNMC later next week, which is dependent upon her getting a consistent and proper dose of aspirin - half tablet, twice a day. If she doesn't get the correct dosing the result of the blood test is skewed. The doctors could determine that aspirin is not an anti-coagulant for [DD 5yr old]/her body rejects it when it actually is helping her, or possibly increase it causing a dose that is too high for her body to handle.

Any insight?
I reacted too quickly in sending her this (my mistake in feeding the BPDs need for drama) immediately as a response. I shouldn't have written from am emotional place, and my deeper frustration at her making this allegation up and bringing our daughters into the middle of it (blaming their words; which I'm sure they never spoke):

I wrote:
Quote:
I do not appreciate you lieing about this. I am aware of [DD 5yr old] shot and medication schedule, she receives them during bedtime and in the mornings. What are you trying to pull here?
She (her husband I assume, since I've never seen her this restrained in her response to conflict) wrote:
Quote:
I do not appreciate being called a liar or accusing me of trying to "pull something". This type of a response does not facilitate productive conversations between us.
A few weeks ago we all had an email exchange about being able to openly communicate with one another to better co-parent the girls when this exact type of situation occurs. In that email you said [new husband] and I could come to you and you wouldn't feel attacked.

How would you recommend we communicate when the girls come home saying one thing and we want to discuss it with you?
I wrote back (what I should have responded with originally):
Quote:
This is about [DD 5yr old], not us. You are misinformed about her shots/medication routine. She receives them all. Is there anything relating to [5 yr old] and her medication schedule you are still concerned about or want to discuss?
(more language that isn't in her vocabulary):
Quote:
You're right - this specific example is about [DD 5yr old], but it's also about us.

You and I need to be able to freely communicate and be able to ask one another questions when there is a discrepancy between what the girls say and what we assume is occurring at the other parents house.

I assumed you were giving the medicine, but the girls said otherwise. If I hear the girls say something of importance - you and I would both agree that [DD 5yr old] medicine is - I have the responsibility to follow up and investigate or ask hard questions. Undoubtedly you would do the same.

We recently had an email exchange about co-parenting and how each parent shouldn't feel attacked when faced with difficult conversations. We love our girls and want what is best for them. In this situation, asking if all medicines were given is what's best for [DD 5yr old].

I'd like to understand - in a productive manner - why there is a descrepency between what the girls said and what you said without putting them in the middle.
So I responded with:
Quote:
I cannot address your "discrepancy" issue but I can assure you that [DD 5yr old] is getting her medications when she is with me.
they finally wrote:
Quote:
Great. Thanks [me]. I assumed as much, but needed to do my due diligence and ask the question.
First, let this be a lesson in dealing with BPD. My initial response isn't doing me any favors in her attempt to vilify me to her new husband (who is helping her craft these e-mails). I've learned how reacting emotionally fuels them and makes things worse... despite that I still make this mistake once in a blue moon (ugh). You see how she backs down when the conversation is dialed back to the issue at hand (our daughter) logic devoid of emotion.

Should I be concerned about her, with this? I know that exes are capable of all kinds of damaging and destructive behavior if/when they feel threatened about their custody of the children/ What can I do to protect myself from such allegations as the ones above? It scares me, frankly. :\

I don't doubt that the next time I see her she's going to have prepped my youngest to say something she wants her to in regard to this. I'm already anticipating it and stopping it short saying "this is something you and I should talk about... without the children."


Last edited by Thomas0311; 12-21-2016 at 02:50 PM.
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post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 12:13 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

Be careful of the BPD train. I believe that my wife shows many characteristics of BPD and it's the best explanation I can come up with to understand her behavior. BUT it's not all a perfect fit and I'm not able to accurately diagnose.

Your wife's initial response did not seem out of line to me. She laid out the scenario with the girls, asked some questions and stated her concerns. A pretty good response from a mother concerned about the health of her child. She did seem frustrated with your defensive response.

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post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 01:39 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

I also think you overreacted. The initial contact by your ex was reasonable. The appropriate response would have been short and direct. Something like - yes, she is getting all of her medication.
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post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 01:45 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

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Originally Posted by Bananapeel View Post
I also think you overreacted. The initial contact by your ex was reasonable. The appropriate response would have been short and direct. Something like - yes, she is getting all of her medication.
Agree

I did not see as she was out to get you, just a concerned parent getting different information from her children. Parents are conditioned to believe their children above anyone else.

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post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:25 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

Quote:
Originally Posted by Idyit View Post
Be careful of the BPD train. I believe that my wife shows many characteristics of BPD and it's the best explanation I can come up with to understand her behavior. BUT it's not all a perfect fit and I'm not able to accurately diagnose.

Your wife's initial response did not seem out of line to me. She laid out the scenario with the girls, asked some questions and stated her concerns. A pretty good response from a mother concerned about the health of her child. She did seem frustrated with your defensive response.

Work on you and how you react to pressure.

~ Passio
I agree with the above, the more you work on controlling your emotions and remaining logical, the easier it will be for you two to be friendly with eachother.
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post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

Agreed with all of the above. Wish I had followed my rule of waiting a day to respond to anything that isn't time sensitive. I didn't get through the entire e-mail before I responded to this part

"In fact both girls were adamant that [DD 5yr old] never gets any medicine at your house except for lovenox..."

...because it doesn't jive with reality. She's claiming to have heard that both of my daughters are saying D5 never gets medication at my house. Yet D5 has received it every morning and evening for years. My daughter and I even joke about the ordering in which she takes them (she has a routine where she likes to end with the best tasting one). Granted this is a child's mind and I understand a parents concern over interpretations and confusion (We don't trust one another), but it seems she is falsifying statements from our daughters, which I am naturally defensive to.

I want to make sure I protect myself in case she takes this further. I will begin detailed records by paper.

Last edited by Thomas0311; 12-21-2016 at 02:53 PM.
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post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:43 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

I would recommend a small hand-held type recording of her taking all medications on time. So for example, a quick "cell video" of each dose, with timestamp clearly visible, saved to your hard drive in a monthly folder. This would 100% completely defend you against any nonsense she might attempt to pull. Keeping detailed written records will also be admissible in court, but obviously "could" be falsified...whereas timestamped videos would be pretty solid. The two of them together--air tight.

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post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 02:46 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

Quote:
Originally Posted by ne9907 View Post
Agree

I did not see as she was out to get you, just a concerned parent getting different information from her children. Parents are conditioned to believe their children above anyone else.
While not BPD, my ex wife is diagnosed NPD, and boy...one really has to be good at reading between the lines with people like that because they are masters at convincing others that they are reasonable...concerned parent my ass.

Thomas...how deeply have you looked into parallel parenting as a strategy? Coparenting with someone like this is extraordinarily difficult at best.

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post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 03:11 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

Thomas i know your taking the higher ground but damn it when will you realize you are playing with a CHEATER who will try to manipulate the situation. Stop being the nie guy and its time her new hubby knows what kind of woman she married.
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post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 03:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

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Thomas i know your taking the higher ground but damn it when will you realize you are playing with a CHEATER who will try to manipulate the situation. Stop being the nie guy and its time her new hubby knows what kind of woman she married.
I'm not sure what I can do... short of heading to court to fight for 50/50 custody, but even if I win that, then there will still be these issues to deal with. My approach has been walking this tightrope of being as involved as I possibly can with my daughters lives, while avoiding the landmines she throws as she reacts to my involvement. It is extremely subtle and she's a master of blending in...

There is a couple in the neighborhood she lives in (same we used to live in) who is extremely social and involved in neighborhood politics. The husband is someone I confided in as our marriage fell apart. He's a good guy, great listener... but I lost touch with him the last two years... because I stopped talking to people about my divorce - and I'm an introvert, I tend to keep a much smaller group of friends. I wanted to move on with my life. Anyway, now that the kids are back in the same school and my daughter and his daughter are on the same soccer team and have become best friends. I saw this guy at one of the events and we caught up. I took my daughter to his daughters birthday party, and we went to dinner. My ex-wife must have caught wind of this from my daughter and her reaction was to set up a play date through his wife where she subtly bashed me (saying I walked out on them) to her and cried in front of her in the same room as my daughters. His wife already knew about our past so she feigned a helping hand but obviously knew this was an act. This kind of behavior creates an anxiety in me... that anyone who has interacted with my ex-wife must think I'm a monster. It works against my goal to be involved in my daughters lives, so I've done my best to ignore it... the whole "who cares what people think" and "the opinions of people who don't really know me don't matter"... it's difficult to shake.


Last edited by Thomas0311; 12-21-2016 at 03:45 PM.
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post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 03:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

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Originally Posted by Affaircare View Post
I would recommend a small hand-held type recording of her taking all medications on time. So for example, a quick "cell video" of each dose, with timestamp clearly visible, saved to your hard drive in a monthly folder. This would 100% completely defend you against any nonsense she might attempt to pull. Keeping detailed written records will also be admissible in court, but obviously "could" be falsified...whereas timestamped videos would be pretty solid. The two of them together--air tight.
That's excellent advice, it would be simple to record a video on my phone and upload it to my Google Drive daily. I can make a game out of it with my daughter as we say what day it is every time she takes her meds. "What's today!? December 21st... is it Tuesday? nope Wednesday!"... Create folders for each year/month. I like that idea
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post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 04:13 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

I agree that what you said was a little aggressive. That in turn made her response on the aggressive side. In situations like these as hard as it is, even when we think that the other is lying or pulling shenanigans, you have to respond in a very nice tone. I would advice not to use e-mail or text for these kinds of conversations since they can be printed and taken into court to prove alleged aggressiveness toward her.
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post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 04:43 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

I understand why you reacted the way you did to her email OP, I'm sure this isn't the first time you've received an email like that.

One way to avoid the "you're not administering the medication correctly" problem is to make up a little chart/roster or something like that, with each dose scheduled, and then ticked off each time you give it to your little girl - she could stick a gold star or something next to it, to get her involved..."you get a gold star for being such a good girl and taking your medicine" type thing. Video each dose. Sucks that you have to do this, but it's the safest option I think.

On the email thing, I do draft emails sometimes for my husband to send to his ex wife (she can be high conflict and she LOVES drama). He reads them, edits them to sound more like him and then sends them.

As far as "them" approaching you about parenting issues with the girls...NO NO NO. Their mother can approach you, but not the stepfather. Same in reverse. I'm a stepmum and if there was ever a parenting issue that needed discussing with his ex wife, my husband did it. That's past tense because we now have her full time.
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post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 05:15 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

I hate to say this, but your ex may be manipulating the medication to make it look like you didn't give it to your daughter. She may not be giving it to her properly and it could be her way of blame shifting.

The idea of recording every single dose is excellent and I recommend implementing that immediately. Also your idea to put it on Google Drive is a great way to make sure nothing happens to the recordings.

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post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 06:24 PM
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Re: Need Advice: Ex-wife False Allegations Involving Children

Sorry but looks to me like the kids have control of this situation lol. This whole back and forth was started by what a 5 year old said. Let me say that again, what a 5 year old Said which was backed by an 8 year old statement. Now your ex had a choice, totally believe or disbelieve your kids, or ask and clarify which is what she did. I haven't a clue why you became so agreesive about that, maybe history, but if I am in her shoes I would do the exact same thing, ask and clarify. I don't have BPD.

I have experienced this myself when my oldest daughter told her mother that she was administering medication to my youngest daughter. This was not the case and in fact what she did give my youngest with my permission was a chewable vitamin. Of course my x asked about it and I clarified. That's what co parenting is. I think you significantly over reacted to a simple clarification question.
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