What am I doing - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 02:49 PM
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Re: What am I doing

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Originally Posted by Hope Shimmers View Post
I have always known the answer to that (we have mutual friends). He never married. He dated some, but said he never found the right person to marry.

I had to jump in here and give a quick update. We had decided we would not see each other until the weekend in February. So this morning he calls (EARLY) and says, Can I fly down there to you for a couple of days? Umm, hell yes!!!

My daughter is gone for the weekend, so it's just us and the dog. He did some things around my house including hanging my HEAVY wall clock, installing some light fixtures. Then he took some measurements in my kitchen and we went to a cabinetmaker who is going to do custom cabinets for me. And argued back and forth (in a good natured way) about which cabinets would look best. LOL About halfway through that he burst out laughing and said "we sound like a married couple".

Now about to start a movie, fireplace going, FREEZING cold and snow outside, cozy here. Eating homemade chicken and noodles and crusty bread with a good chardonnay. THAT is the way I like to spend my nights.

I can't believe this is my life. I hope I don't wake up from this dream. 2015 and 2016 were such horrible hell on earth that this seems like a fantasy.

Have to go, I hope everyone is having a good start to the year!
Never Married?

What are your ages?

If he is 40 or under, less of a problem. Some guys sow their oats longer then others.

If over 40, he may be a professional, really sweet, player.


That is OK too, if you say it is. Don't fall hard for him if you can avoid it!

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post #32 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 04:17 PM
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Re: What am I doing

Of course, there's also the possibility that he IS married. My mom fell hard for her long-lost college lover when he showed up 30 years later. Started seeing her whenever he was in town. Turns out he was married out in California. He was just a really good liar.

But your guy sounds cool. I like him.
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post #33 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 04:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What am I doing

Hmmm. If he's married, he has done an incredible job of hiding a wife from his friends of 20+ years in a very small town.

He is mid-50's (I'm 52). He isn't a player. Our friends say he never married because of his unrequited love for me over all these years, but that is too sappy romantic and sentimental even for me. lol

My last boyfriend, the 1.5 years one that never amounted to anything, also was never married. He is soon to be 52. In his case, "player" would not necessarily be the word that I would use, but I do not believe he is marriage material.

Of course, maybe the current guy isn't either. Who really knows.

That used to be one of my "never" criteria when I was on Match. You know.... NEVER go out with a guy who has never been married, never had kids, is shorter than me, can't string 2 sentences together, etc. It's funny now when I think about those Match search criteria that I would not bend on. No guy I have dated would have come up in any of my searches. Perhaps that would be good fodder for a psychologist.

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #34 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 05:03 PM
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Re: What am I doing

My dad and mom were together for 18 years when she died, but never married. I wouldn't necessarily count never married as a red flag if he's been in at least 1 LTR.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #35 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 06:30 PM
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Re: What am I doing

I have no idea of everything that you have been through but yes just that year and a half of being treated that way would make u defensive. Take things slow and work on urself more than you work on a relationship with him. As you grow and develop and become more confident in urself you may be able to accept his affection. Good luck and if you need anything else just ask
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post #36 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 08:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What am I doing

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My dad and mom were together for 18 years when she died, but never married. I wouldn't necessarily count never married as a red flag if he's been in at least 1 LTR.
Very good point. And it was not my intention to make light of LTRs that were not marriages.

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I have no idea of everything that you have been through but yes just that year and a half of being treated that way would make u defensive. Take things slow and work on urself more than you work on a relationship with him. As you grow and develop and become more confident in urself you may be able to accept his affection. Good luck and if you need anything else just ask
Thank you. I am definitely working on me, and enjoying having my life back again. I only have me to blame for having lost myself.

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #37 of 38 (permalink) Old 01-09-2017, 10:49 PM
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Re: What am I doing

IIRC, Kurt and Goldie never married.
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post #38 of 38 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 05:06 PM
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Re: What am I doing

You all are much wiser and experienced than I am. And I hate to rain on someone's happiness but for what its worth...

this story reminds me eerily of the beginning of my relationship with my stbxh. I was 6 months out of a terrible relationship, but happy and doing generally well in life when I met my ex-husband. He was the polar opposite of my previous relationship. He seemed to know what he wanted and also seemed to know what I wanted. It was all so smooth that I would even say to him that all the goodness won't last once the "honeymoon period" is over. He would say - "Every woman deserves her fairytale and the girl I like definitely deserves to be treated like a princess" etc..etc.. The problem I ran into - now that i try to look back and analyze is that because things were so good for the first few months, when something uncomfortable happened - I let it slide thinking - no one in perfect and everyone is allowed slip ups. And before I knew it, we were married and these "slip ups" that I had been forgiving became more intense and more frequent.

I am sorry, I am likely jaded by my experience early on in life and therefore whenever I hear of that perfect beginning to romance, it makes me nervous.

I truly hope that your happiness lasts forever, that the man you are dating is not like the scumbag I married. But like someone else said - the only way to know character is when you encounter rough times in life and that requires time. Truth is - even good people falter, have bad days, say hurtful things, do hurtful things - but good people do more good things that make up for the bad. I don't have a good way of distinguishing between true slip-ups and possible red flags (things that aren't slam dunk- complete no no run away type). As a result I will likely be too harsh when someone does walk into my life but for now - too much goodness is almost a red flag in my books.

I hope your happiness continues but don't fall too hard until a good chunk of time has allowed you to determine unbiasedly.
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