Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:07 PM Thread Starter
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Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

Hello everyone,
I'm at a crossroad on how to move forward. My current GF of 2 years is growing frustrated with me that I have not already taken the next step with her (moving in, engagement). I have my reasons which may/may not be fair or right. So that's why I'm here. Let me explain....

I had an opportunity 6 months ago for us to take the next step and I ended up with getting cold feet which ultimately led to us mutually breaking up one month later. After 3 weeks, I asked that we give our relationship one more try and that my cold feet had a lot to do with unfound fears of my life changing too much, my fear of vulnerability and that our blended families would be too difficult for us to manage( we have 2 kids each). While somewhat valid, I felt that it was a shame that we didn't at least try. I told her I wanted to move forward and be able to take that next step with her. Three months later, I have not had the conversation with her to make that next step. I believe I have a valid reason, yet feel terrible for not coming across as being true to my word already. So what's my reason?
Several weeks after we got back together, she tells me that she has put up a wall between us protecting herself. She's afraid that I will break her heart again (even though the breakup was initiated by her and was mutual). She admits to not allowing herself to be vulnerable.

And that the only way for this wall to come crumbling down was for me to take the next step with her and get engaged/married. Therefore, she would know that I was serious and would not leave her. You see, her EX husband (who has a mental illness and alcoholism) left her several times in her marriage. Her parents were also divorced when she was very young and she didn't really reconcile with her dad until she was a young adult. So I wonder if this has much to do with her insecurities? I know I probably made it worse by agreeing to the breakup and such.

I told her that I didn't feel comfortable taking it to the next level while she has her wall up. What if I do and it never truly comes down and/or her other insecurities (such as jealousy with my friendship with my ex-inlaws) continue. I want to take it to the next level when she's all in, with no wall down. the flip-flopping of our view of our relationship is almost ironic.

I've noticed a lot of lingering resentment (which she has admitted to) that she built on during our breakup. Sometimes, I feel like she's picking a fight or argument with me sometimes that comes from nowhere.

And lately it's been about my kids too. Usually, I send my kids to their grandparents for a Friday or Saturday during the weekend she doesn't have her kids. I do like spending time with just the two of us. However, after the holiday break in which my kids were away to see their mom I told my GF that I would like my kids to stay home this time. She didn't like the fact that I did not want to ship my kids off to their grandparents this past weekend (while her kids were with their dad). She shared that she could be doing other adult things and that she doesn't feel comfortable hanging out with just my kids and I because she doesn't want to get too close since we are not engaged or moving in yet. this despite the fact that when she has her kids, she does hang out with my kids as i do as well.

She gets mad if I don't call her enough or she doesn't feel like she's the #1 priority in my life. And I try. I am the first to say good morning and I am always calling her to say good night. It's almost like she feels it my responsibility to do so since I was the one who got cold feet. I feel like I walk on eggshells now.

I truly love her and want to have a life with her, but I can't move ahead with her resentments, her wall, her trust, and her other insecurities. We plan to have this talk about taking the next step this weekend.

Am I handling this the right way?

How do I tell her how I feel about us without her getting mad or upset?

Thank you for listening!

Last edited by Houstondad; 01-10-2017 at 03:12 PM. Reason: title
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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:20 PM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

When you are in a relationship the ultimate goal is for each party to feel secure. If your pride is stopping you from giving her what she needs to be secure (more of a commitment), then that is a problem. When you got cold feel you took away her security. She trusted you prior to that and now you have to show her that you are going nowhere. If you love her and want a life with her you need to show her that you are in to stay, and that can be done by solidifying the commitment. That is the need she has at this time and it's pretty selfish for you to hold back on it since you were the one who broke the security to begin with.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 03:41 PM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

I don't understand this pressure to get married. How was breaking up an adequate response to someone getting cold feet. If anything that is the point at which they need more assurance and a safe environment to talk about what's going on in their head.

Your soon to be wife seems to believe that you marrying her will eliminate whatever issues she has and that plague your relationship. I'm not married but I can't imagine that marriage is ever a solution. You're still going to be the same person, she'll still be the same person, you will still have the same issues. I just don't get it.

Perhaps it may be best to get couples counselling prior to getting married.
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 04:09 PM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

I'm not sure how this thread is any different than your earlier one. Getting cold feet movein w/ GF

Nothing has changed. All you did was kick the can down the road.

Be honest with yourself. You have cold feet about moving in with your girlfriend and nothing she does will ever change that. This is a YOU issue, not a her issue. Today you are using the excuse that she's 'built a wall of resentment' to avoid having to commit to her. Tomorrow you'll find something else that's imperative to your decision to move forward with her.

She's also hesitant to give you more than the bare bones without some sort of show of effort on your part. She learned her lesson the last time. Basically, she's not willing to ante up more than you are.

The bottom line is that you and she are not compatible. She wants a committed relationship that's moving towards marriage. You want a casual dating situation with all of perks of a committed relationship. Where she's looking for 'happily ever after', you're content with 'happy for now'.

I think you made a big mistake in asking for a second chance. You should have let her go back when you broke up in August. All you've done is delay the inevitable. She could have met someone else by now that shared her beliefs on relationships. You could have found someone more compatible to you as well.
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 06:41 PM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

Don't let her pressure you into marriage.

You will regret it as much as you do getting married the first time.

Either she backs off and accepts the relationship may never make it to the next step, or it's over.

There's no room for grey here.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 07:16 PM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

You aren't ready for what she wants. You two don't talk about your issues or try to solve them. It seems you are actually asking whether you can sweep them under the rug.

Marriage won't fix her fears and issues.

Marriage won't make you feel more secure with her.

I think she is correct about spending time with the children.

Talk to a counselor about your issues with trust, though I think you have good reasons to be wary of her.

Though she has some weird ideas about how to fix her issues with marriage, she seems like she is trying.

Follow your gut. It's telling you something you are afraid to acknowledge.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-10-2017, 10:53 PM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

You should have let her go (and IIRC that was the advice given on your other thread). Now, you are faced with the fact that nothing has changed since you asked for a second chance -- except that you are also dealing with her continuing resentment for the breakup. You each want the other to take the first step to break the stalemate and neither of you is willing to. You are very different people and neither of you likes to compromise. Sometimes that works but often it doesn't.

As for talking with her without making her mad, if you say anything other than you're finally ready to move in immediately and get engaged -- well, she's very likely not going to be interested. She will see it as just more of the same that she's heard before. Her focus will be that you didn't keep your word when she agreed to give you another chance months ago.

Save your breath until you're ready to either move in or move on.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 01:11 AM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

2 years is usually enough time for a woman to know she wants to be with you for life.

You, on the other hand, are not sure and have way to much baggage you must resolve on your own first, before you'll be ready for a life long commitment.

You're just at different points in life. Don't force it or feel pressured. She has a right to look out for her future as do you.

I don't doubt you love her but that doesn't automatically mean you are meant to be together.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 05:18 AM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

I think she is just being smart, I don't think she has insecurities, I would call it reasonable doubt. And why do you get to criticize the way she is acting after the way you acted? She broke up with you because you couldn't commit and move the relationship to the next phase, you weren't meeting her needs. But then you asked for another chance, and love trumped her common sense so she agreed to enter into the relationship again, but now she has her radar cranked up high, she isn't going to go all in because you're not all in. She has a protective wall up because she isn't going to let you hurt her again.

My guess is in her head she has a time frame, if you keep playing the cold feet card she is going to dump you, she wants things to move forward.

Here's the thing, I'm not saying either of you are wrong in how you feel, but I do think you are wrong for dragging her along. It's unfair for her to put her life on hold while you deal with YOUR insecurities. You know what she wants and you have to admit out loud you aren't ready to take that next step, you are the cause of her wall and insecurities, admit the truth to yourself.

Honestly remembering some of your other threads and now this one I don't think you are relationship ready, you have you own walls to deal with.

Last edited by Cooper; 01-11-2017 at 07:35 AM.
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 06:02 AM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

HD you are not ready to get remarried. Your exWW messed you up so bad, it is going to take a few more years of hard work on yourself before you get to the point where you can open yourself up to a woman completely. You have a gang of monkeys on your back, humping you like a football.

You need to let this lady go and start spending more time in counseling and therapy to get your head on straight. I have to agree with the others: the issues you are having are all on you. Your GF doesn't trust you, and neither would anyone else in your current state.

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 06:28 AM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

Two years is plenty of time to know if she is the one. Make up your mind. Quit stringing her along. Fish or cut bait.

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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 10:08 AM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

If you really wanted to marry her you'd know it by now and wouldn't be having cold feet. Time to do both of you a favor and end it.
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 07:12 PM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

I think BOTH of you could benefit from this article. Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife
She needs to drop carrying resentment of exH and you need to drop exW issues. Your BOTH viewing each other thru tainted lenses.
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-11-2017, 07:52 PM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious


Do not go into a marriage with her and both of children are grown up and should not come back to the house ever. Definitely do not co-mingle money, assets, property, money into one bank account. Do not ever title anything or borrow money jointly in both your names ever. You can take the next step by moving in, love and her children to the max. But know this: the marriage certificate and the state license just gives each other rights to each others property that will be disposed of during a divorce, I guarantee it will happen. Do not not sell your original house or apartment that your purchased before marriage if you decide to marry. If you co-mingle your funds and pay for pre-marital property together with your spouse owns it too. That includes if she don't put her money into it. She just needs to wash a few windows, fix a few things, do the lawn and put some form of sweat equity into it- Bam its shared property.

Love her, have your own place, you don't have to move in. You can sleep there but go home a few days a week and sleep in your own place. You can love her, love her kids, have sex, make love, hang out, go on vacation too. If you marry the life of making money to support six people will take presidency. Over time the fun things I mentioned will disappear once you both settle in. The and love will die-Bam, the four horseman of the apocalypse book by Gottman will explain what will happen. Tell her you love her and it is wise to wait until the children are out of the house. If she can't wait or you can get over the pressure to cool each other jets without losing what you have already, Tray a little harder, make agreement to drop it for now and enjoy each others company. There is so many ways to have a relationship and love not married, and be their for each other. Don;t give up yet. Just be prudent, careful, and pray to God while your slowly discern what you both need and your financial, and mental health safety. Good luck
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 01-12-2017, 02:34 PM
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Re: Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious

Do not be coerced into moving in together or marriage. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone but not live with them. Be honest with yourself, and if this is how you really feel, you need to let her go and find someone that's compatible with that.

Personally, I will probably never live with a partner again. I'm going on 5 yrs with my gf. We live about 20 min apart, own our homes, and do not want to move in together or get married. We both enjoy each others' company, as well as our alone time. It's a great situation. They are out there.
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