Struggling with her insecurities and resentment, yet she wants us to get serious
I'm at a crossroad on how to move forward. My current GF of 2 years is growing frustrated with me that I have not already taken the next step with her (moving in, engagement). I have my reasons which may/may not be fair or right. So that's why I'm here. Let me explain....
I had an opportunity 6 months ago for us to take the next step and I ended up with getting cold feet which ultimately led to us mutually breaking up one month later. After 3 weeks, I asked that we give our relationship one more try and that my cold feet had a lot to do with unfound fears of my life changing too much, my fear of vulnerability and that our blended families would be too difficult for us to manage( we have 2 kids each). While somewhat valid, I felt that it was a shame that we didn't at least try. I told her I wanted to move forward and be able to take that next step with her. Three months later, I have not had the conversation with her to make that next step. I believe I have a valid reason, yet feel terrible for not coming across as being true to my word already. So what's my reason?
Several weeks after we got back together, she tells me that she has put up a wall between us protecting herself. She's afraid that I will break her heart again (even though the breakup was initiated by her and was mutual). She admits to not allowing herself to be vulnerable.
And that the only way for this wall to come crumbling down was for me to take the next step with her and get engaged/married. Therefore, she would know that I was serious and would not leave her. You see, her EX husband (who has a mental illness and alcoholism) left her several times in her marriage. Her parents were also divorced when she was very young and she didn't really reconcile with her dad until she was a young adult. So I wonder if this has much to do with her insecurities? I know I probably made it worse by agreeing to the breakup and such.
I told her that I didn't feel comfortable taking it to the next level while she has her wall up. What if I do and it never truly comes down and/or her other insecurities (such as jealousy with my friendship with my ex-inlaws) continue. I want to take it to the next level when she's all in, with no wall down. the flip-flopping of our view of our relationship is almost ironic.
I've noticed a lot of lingering resentment (which she has admitted to) that she built on during our breakup. Sometimes, I feel like she's picking a fight or argument with me sometimes that comes from nowhere.
And lately it's been about my kids too. Usually, I send my kids to their grandparents for a Friday or Saturday during the weekend she doesn't have her kids. I do like spending time with just the two of us. However, after the holiday break in which my kids were away to see their mom I told my GF that I would like my kids to stay home this time. She didn't like the fact that I did not want to ship my kids off to their grandparents this past weekend (while her kids were with their dad). She shared that she could be doing other adult things and that she doesn't feel comfortable hanging out with just my kids and I because she doesn't want to get too close since we are not engaged or moving in yet. this despite the fact that when she has her kids, she does hang out with my kids as i do as well.
She gets mad if I don't call her enough or she doesn't feel like she's the #1 priority in my life. And I try. I am the first to say good morning and I am always calling her to say good night. It's almost like she feels it my responsibility to do so since I was the one who got cold feet. I feel like I walk on eggshells now.
I truly love her and want to have a life with her, but I can't move ahead with her resentments, her wall, her trust, and her other insecurities. We plan to have this talk about taking the next step this weekend.
Am I handling this the right way?
How do I tell her how I feel about us without her getting mad or upset?
Thank you for listening!
Last edited by Houstondad; 01-10-2017 at 04:12 PM.