Did you remain friends with your ex? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 10:04 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

Ex and I are friends and co parents. There was no cheating though so completely different to your situation OP. If there was cheating involved I would not have any contact at all with an ex unless it was emails about children.

He went to prostitutes for your 12 years of marriage, why do you want to be friends with him?

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post #17 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 01:39 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

No. I am not friends with my ex. He's not a bad person, and has a lot of good qualities, and in many ways would be a good friend. But the worst thing that he has ever done, he did to me. And that will always be part of how I see him. So no, we are not friends, and I don't think we ever will be.

Also, the emotions I felt for him were entirely too intense to be friendly. I loved him fiercely and then hated him deeply. I don't think that I could feel "friendly" to him. I think the thing that keeps me from being an emotional wreck is because I have nothing to do with him. And fortunately we didn't have kids with each other.

I don't know what the right thing is for anyone else, but for me, I don't want to be friends with him at all.
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post #18 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 04:04 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

My X cheated on me. I could never again be friends with her, I have to have trust for friendship and I will never trust her again. Pity because she was once my best friends.

Cheating aside I can see how when you enter a new relationship this may be a huge issue and reg flag. Of all the reasons I have passed dating on a woman the number one reason has to be they were too cozy with their x.
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post #19 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 04:20 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

My ex-wife and I remained cordial, but not friends. Just too much long term negativity to remain friends. I have stayed friends with other exes, though, but those were all just dating situations of various lengths.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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post #20 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

Ex and I are friendly but not friends. We pretty much agree on raising the kids but other than that, we dont chit chat.
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post #21 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 08:58 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

I'm not friends with my XWW, although we co-parent quite well. Quite honestly, she brings nothing to the table that I want or need.

You're just going to hurt yourself and your kids by keeping this man in your life. A clean break is the healthiest way to end things.
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post #22 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:19 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

My wife isn't a cheater but came from a dysfunctional family where she was taught not to love or respect anybody yet ran around saying they were Christians. I of course didn't find that out until it was too late. She manages to ruin Christmas every year for me. It's hard to reinforce Christmas is a cheerful season to the kids with that happening to me all the time. Christmas has become a tough season for me because each year it reminds me just how dead our marriage is. All I can do is remember the ultimate gift that Christ gave us and focus on that.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #23 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 10:15 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

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Who needs friends like that. Seriously you can do better. If I was a wife in a group of friends like that, I would be worried about what my husband is doing also. Birds of a feather as they say.
I agree! Ugh, who need friends who will believe a cheater's lies and tell you you should stay with someone who would cheat on you?!?

My XH didn't cheat, but he is a sh!tty, sh!tty person. He pretended to be a completely different person (from his true personality) to get me to fall in love with him, and he was emotionally abusive/manipulative throughout our relationship. When the facade of his fake personality began to fall away, I learned that he was the type of person that I would never normally associate with--and I was married to the guy! I wanted nothing to do with him, and I would never be friends with someone like him. I'm lucky in the fact that we had no kids, and I was able to walk away cleanly.

He also told lies about me to all our mutual friends, and they believed him. So I'm not friends with them anymore, either.

OP, you are under no obligation to be friends with your XH, especially not after he cheated on you. If you have kids, maintain an amicable but business-only relationship for the benefit of your kids, but you don't need to do anything more than that.

ETA: Just went back to original post. I see that you don't have kids with him, but your younger ones like him and want to see him. I would keep that to a minimum, if you can. I wouldn't want my kids looking up to a cheater or viewing him as a role model. But kids do get attached. Since he's not their bio dad, I don't really know how to advise you on this. I mean, you're the adult. You're the one in charge. Helping them maintain a relationship with him isn't good for you, and if you don't want them to see him, well, that's your decision. You can explain it when they are a little older, I suppose.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

Last edited by FeministInPink; 01-18-2017 at 10:24 AM.
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post #24 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 10:24 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

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My wife isn't a cheater but came from a dysfunctional family where she was taught not to love or respect anybody yet ran around saying they were Christians. I of course didn't find that out until it was too late. She manages to ruin Christmas every year for me. It's hard to reinforce Christmas is a cheerful season to the kids with that happening to me all the time. Christmas has become a tough season for me because each year it reminds me just how dead our marriage is. All I can do is remember the ultimate gift that Christ gave us and focus on that.
Are you married to my mom?

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #25 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 10:30 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

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I agree! Ugh, who need friends who will believe a cheater's lies and tell you you should stay with someone who would cheat on you?!?

My XH didn't cheat, but he is a sh!tty, sh!tty person. He pretended to be a completely different person (from his true personality) to get me to fall in love with him, and he was emotionally abusive/manipulative throughout our relationship. When the facade of his fake personality began to fall away, I learned that he was the type of person that I would never normally associate with--and I was married to the guy! I wanted nothing to do with him, and I would never be friends with someone like him. I'm lucky in the fact that we had no kids, and I was able to walk away cleanly.

He also told lies about me to all our mutual friends, and they believed him. So I'm not friends with them anymore, either.

OP, you are under no obligation to be friends with your XH, especially not after he cheated on you. If you have kids, maintain an amicable but business-only relationship for the benefit of your kids, but you don't need to do anything more than that.

ETA: Just went back to original post. I see that you don't have kids with him, but your younger ones like him and want to see him. I would keep that to a minimum, if you can. I wouldn't want my kids looking up to a cheater or viewing him as a role model. But kids do get attached. Since he's not their bio dad, I don't really know how to advise you on this. I mean, you're the adult. You're the one in charge. Helping them maintain a relationship with him isn't good for you, and if you don't want them to see him, well, that's your decision. You can explain it when they are a little older, I suppose.
"Bandaged people" can put on the façade for 18-24 months, IF you don't know what to look for.

If you don't.... you hear "I'm pregnant, let's get M" Then the "real" BS begins


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #26 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

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"Bandaged people" can put on the façade for 18-24 months, IF you don't know what to look for.

If you don't.... you hear "I'm pregnant, let's get M" Then the "real" BS begins
He managed it for 5+ years!!! That's how he was able to fool me. Any time there was a crack, he would double down.

I was also young and naive. I didn't see the red flags, because my toxic mother conditioned me to believe that behavior was normal and ok. Thanks, Mom!

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #27 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 12:45 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

No, I am not friends with my XWW. I opted out of that arrangement.

I tried to do the friend thing early on but it became obvious that was not going to work. I did not benefit at all from trying to be friends…only she did. In fact, it was just hurting me more. She would call me, text me, and show up at my house and just walk inside. There were even times where she would wear sexy clothes, flirt with me and try to get me to pursue her physically. This was not allowing me to heal and move on. It was keeping me stuck and depressed. She was just using me to make herself feel better, build her ego and ease her conscience over what she did. Even after the divorce, she was still trying to have her cake and eat it too. In her mind, what she did could not have been that bad because I was still friends with her.

Since our kids were teenagers and were more than capable of communicating, I decided on NC with her. Through our entire relationship, I always put her first but now I had to do what was best for me.
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post #28 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 10:20 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

I pretend like I'm friends my cheating **** ex for the sake of our kid, and the possibility of her having my salary reviewed for an increase in child support. LOL

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post #29 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 12:10 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

He!! no, I'm not friends with my ex wife who betrayed me! I can't even begin to comprehend how I could see her as a "friend" when she crushed me so badly. Early on I had to force my heart to believe my intellect that a friend, by definition, simply does not do this to another. It's non negotiable!

I have a huge problem with people (self included) who can't or won't believe the actions of a cheater speak louder than words. I also think this includes the idea that unfaithful words and actions of the present are vastly more relevant than whatever was said or done in the past, no matter how virtuous they might have been.

My ex mentioned during the divorce that she would like to remain friends, but in a rare moment of clarity in the midst of a gut wrenching betrayal, I responded to her: "no, we are not friends. No friend would have done what you have done to me, and furthermore not only are you anti-friend, I recognize you are a mortal enemy to my soul. Indeed, you have done more to wound me than all other things combined in my lifetime. You are the very antithesis of what a friend really is, and I will force myself hereafter to correctly identify you as the most hateful enemy in my life."

Easier said than done. Once in a while I catch myself remembering the good that we had before the betrayal, but then I must force myself to relearn the truth that this person is not a friend and I would be foolish to let myself believe otherwise. It's called "facing reality."
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post #30 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 01:32 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

Once the decree absolute came in the mail, I ended contact. We didn't have children and there was nothing left to discuss. Ex came back sniffing 3 years later, looking for friendship, and received a diplomatic request to get bent.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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