Did you remain friends with your ex? - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 08:14 PM Thread Starter
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Did you remain friends with your ex?

Is this unhealthy?

We have not been a couple for almost two years. We had been together for 12 years and married for seven of them. I couldn't stand to be around him for probably the first six months. Now I'm starting to see the man I met so long ago. He is a good guy in so many ways, but I could never trust him again in a romantic relationship. I still have moments I want to choke him and cut off his manhood lol.

I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good. We don't have kids together but I have three. The two youngest like seeing him and I leave it up to them if they want to.

If it matters, we divorced after I found out he had been cheating on me the entire 12 years. No affairs, but random hook ups with people, many that he paid for (prostitution).

Now that I'm typing this, I wonder why I would even want any friend with this type of lifestyle. Perhaps I answered my own question.

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post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 09:54 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

My ex-husband was a cheater. I divorced him after many decades. I hated him when I was going through the divorce process but we became friends after. So, yes, it can be done but I don't think it's very common.

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post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-13-2017, 11:57 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

I tried, but every time I talked to him I remembered why I divorced him. He wasn't a cheater, but he had a huge ego, and a drinking problem. Even as a friend he was tedious.
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post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 12:16 AM
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Cool Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

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Originally Posted by Where Are We View Post
Is this unhealthy?

We have not been a couple for almost two years. We had been together for 12 years and married for seven of them. I couldn't stand to be around him for probably the first six months. Now I'm starting to see the man I met so long ago. He is a good guy in so many ways, but I could never trust him again in a romantic relationship. I still have moments I want to choke him and cut off his manhood lol.

I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good. We don't have kids together but I have three. The two youngest like seeing him and I leave it up to them if they want to.

If it matters, we divorced after I found out he had been cheating on me the entire 12 years. No affairs, but random hook ups with people, many that he paid for (prostitution).

Now that I'm typing this, I wonder why I would even want any friend with this type of lifestyle. Perhaps I answered my own question.
Ol' Arb's situation? Two XW's ~ Two cheaters ~ Two liars ~ Zero friends!

Bipolar XW#1(boys mom) has come around to act friendly, has actually
all but confessed to "her crimes," would probably want to renew our friendship, but I'm about as close to her as I ever want to be!

RSXW(#2)? Well, let's just say that she'll never ever receive the opportunity to garner or regain friendship status with me again, due to the sobering fact of her being the magnanimous undercover cheater and liar that she so aptly proved herself to be!

And as the devout Christian that I am, I had little problem in internally offering either of them forgiveness! But as the betrayed human that I am, I could never quite allow myself to ever forget the heart-wrenching pain that I was so brazenly and callously subjected to!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 08:57 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

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Now that I'm typing this, I wonder why I would even want any friend with this type of lifestyle. Perhaps I answered my own question.
I don't see where you answered your own question but you asked yourself the same question I was going to.
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post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 09:53 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks for the replies.

I'm thinking no. I would not knowingly seek out a friendship with someone like this.

The crazy thing is that I'm the one who lost all but one couple of our mutual friends in this. I'm the bad guy. I have no compassion they say and if it was their spouse they would forgive and not leave. Reason being it was just sex and he didn't fall in love.
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post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 10:23 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

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it was just sex and didn't fall in love.
My ex tried to pull this crap when I caught her cheating. What twisted moral code does one have to think this makes sense?

I just don't get it.
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post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:02 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

I ghosted, but someone pointed out to me I didn't have kids so it was easy. If I had kids I would have been all business. Now if there wasn't cheating which is not the case with you, then I probably could have remained friends.
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post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:04 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

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Thanks for the replies.

I'm thinking no. I would not knowingly seek out a friendship with someone like this.

The crazy thing is that I'm the one who lost all but one couple of our mutual friends in this. I'm the bad guy. I have no compassion they say and if it was their spouse they would forgive and not leave. Reason being it was just sex and he didn't fall in love.
Who needs friends like that. Seriously you can do better. If I was a wife in a group of friends like that, I would be worried about what my husband is doing also. Birds of a feather as they say.
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post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-14-2017, 11:44 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

Thank goodness you never caught something you "can't get rid of"


A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 03:50 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

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Thanks for the replies.

I'm thinking no. I would not knowingly seek out a friendship with someone like this.

The crazy thing is that I'm the one who lost all but one couple of our mutual friends in this. I'm the bad guy. I have no compassion they say and if it was their spouse they would forgive and not leave. Reason being it was just sex and he didn't fall in love.
I chose not to be friends with my exH and not to be friends with those who remained friends with him.

I think I avoided a lot of agro.
a lot of gossip
a lot of oops, we're having a party and he's coming so you can't
a lot of last minute invitations because they invited him first and he cancelled...... so now you can come
a lot of oops I didn't mean to tell you that, but I guess I did and so on.....

in these situations, a lot of people like to get a piece of the drama.

I remember a couple of friends who felt hard done by because they weren't the first to know that I was getting a divorce (everyone wants to be in on the drama)

one of these women, when I look back on the problems that I had as a friend with her, made me realise that she was after my husband. At one point she asked me about him, I said that I learned from a couple of friends that he sent them Christmas cards. "well, he didn't send me one......" she said immediately......
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post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 07:33 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

I applaud those who can remain friends after a divorce even if there has been some passage of time. I am not one of these people. My divorce will soon be finalized. I have fought for my wife for four years. We were only married for five. She allowed her friends to come between us and she wanted to live the life of a single woman. She has chosen everyone and everything else over me. She wants to date other men and I have to just let it and her go. So, I do not have the desire to be her friend when the divorce is final. We don't have kids together and everything else has been divided. Lessons learned.
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post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 08:56 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

At the moment my brain can't come up with a better word than friends so I'll just say yes we remain genuinely friendly. Neither of us deny the marital and romantic relationship is over so there's no ulterior motivation other than sincere mutual good will. We are not enemies.

My (step)-daughter came to visit over the holidays and stayed with me. Her mom and mom's fiancé came to the house for a visit. I made a small meal and the four of us ate and had ****tails without any discomfort.

If we ever had an important need I could call my daughter's mom and she'd help. And visa-versa. I wouldn't do it though.

If young children are involved - parents who can move past anger and resentment to being genuinely cordial with each other - gives a huge gift to their kids and themselves.

If a "friendship" with a past spouse or lover interferes with a current relationship then it's time for some serious introspection.

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post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

I don't know how you can be true friends unless maybe you really had no deep feelings for her or him in the first place. Otherwise, there would always be a time, a situation, a moment when you or s/he would think, "I wonder if...".

I guess if I felt I really picked the wrong person because of something I was delusional about, I might understand.

When you choose as wisely as you are able, and you believe, hope, dream, and think of what life will be like when retired with her/him, it's tough to be friends when it ends, no matter the reason.

I'm thinking that being civil when you have to be around them for as little time as absolutely necessary, is the maximum anyone could expect.

I will probably run the other way if I ever see my ex in or around where I am. I can't run, so I'll have to walk as quickly as I can. I will not even entertain the idea of being close enough to see her. That's probably hundred yards or more. I wouldn't hold my bowels till I could get to her gravesite. She isn't worth the discomfort.

I'll applaud @Haiku. I don't even remotely understand how that could be done.

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post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 01-15-2017, 01:44 PM
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Re: Did you remain friends with your ex?

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I'll applaud Haiku. I don't even remotely understand how that could be done.
It works in my situation and can appreciate it won't for all people. Individual circumstances are relevant.

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