Divorced, settled in,, now what?
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Life After Divorce » Divorced, settled in,, now what?

Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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Old 12-13-2011, 01:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Divorced, settled in,, now what?

Yes NOW WHAT....
thats my question of the day.
For having spent so much of the last year with this great big tumorous drama-noma being stuck in my head, now that I am out of the marriage, divorced, moved into my own place, and have some semblance of a routine started, I find myself at a "now what" moment...
Dont think that I am not "glad" to be done with all that, and at a point where I am able to move on, I just sort of feel like I need a long vacation, or time away from work to clear the smoke out of the room ya know?
Ive tried to maintain the other facets of my life outside of the marriage, and all seems to be going well, certainly not complaining about that, I just cant seem to focus on a whole lot, and theres much about my life that I am realizing is a result of settling and attempting to evolve into that marriage/family/Dad role over the years, when now that so much of that role is gone, a lot of what my life consists of, and decisions made towards, seems to have been attached to that role, and I am unsure if they are the best things for me at this point. If they are worthy of continued involvement... I feel like a VCR repairman. Not a whole lot of use for these talents....
I came home from work yesterday, with things that needed doing around the house, but instead, just sat on my butt and didnt do anything. Kind of like all the drive has been drained out of me, like the motivation is gone.. I hope it is just a short phase.. I find myself resistant to other people's requests of me, like, after so much time being married and sacrificing and supporting it, that at this point, I kind of want to withdraw the extended arms of concern for others, and look after myself for awhile. Sorry world!, this cat is "out to lunch" for awhile...
I want to feel like I am doing something worthwhile, and the family was "the" reason I dealt with things like a job that doesnt pay very well, and issues like that,, but now since there is not a very good reason to sacrifice or deal with certain issues, the pursuance of those issues, have certainly lost their luster...
Im just fkin bored of it all. Sick of working to barely pay bills, sick of scraping to get by, sick of subjecting myself to sh!t that at one time had a higher cause to it, than it does now at this point in my life...
Forgive me for sounding ungrateful or petty. I am not quite sure how to describe how I am feeling, and the term "BLAH" doesnt really elaborate..
Just feel like I am going through the motions, and not really loving life or living it.. Minutes turn into hours, turn into days, and then another week has gone by, a month, a year.. I should be glad to be able to wake up and draw breath, (and of course I am), but I guess I am realizing how boring my personal life is when not attached and active in a marriage. I feel like I am wasting my days, and I dont like that feeling.
I need to find new goals and a new direction. I need to feel like efforts placed into something are not going to be wasted, again.
Heres this great big second chance at life to do something wonderful, but hmmm.... wheres that starting space again?
I guess for now, I will just bide my time, and continue doing what I am doing,

It would be nice to take a long break from work, and recoup.
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Old 12-13-2011, 01:51 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

Maybe this is just my version of the post-divorce blues or something.. Trying to establish where it is I am and what my goals are now after the storm has passed.
Its pretty intimidating.
Part of me just wants to sleep for a week.
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Old 12-13-2011, 03:17 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

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Old 12-13-2011, 06:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

You need to find a hobby. Join a club. Make new friends. Enjoy being single!

Try meetup.com. Great place to start. They have a club for everything.

Take that vacation to start. Don't dwell, just get up and get out!
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Old 12-13-2011, 10:56 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

I can relate to everything you wrote. I was where you are a few months back. I took 2 weeks off to do what I love to do and came back to reality with a new perspective. After my break, I started to make some major changes and in the last week those changes have paid off. Life is good again.

I do get bored once in while but I try to stay busy. I think I'm having fun being single and I'm gonna enjoy it for a while. Nice to not have anyone to answer to or worry about.
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Old 12-14-2011, 05:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

shoo:
I have been scrambling from August until November trying to get a new career. Now I'm going to school FT in Janary.
I understand what you mean about existing. I did that myself up until recently: going through the motions and feeling like a bit part in a zombie movie.

It's beginning to change but not like a burst, slowly. I,also, changed my attitude. I wake up and look at the day as mysterious and exciting. That took a while and I do have to work at it but it is beginning to work. I know you have hobbies and are busy so you're doing all the right things but now it is down time for you. Say no if you don't feel like it but if your lethargy begins to bother you, see an IC.

I think this is another stage in the recovery process. I had it and then I began to push myself with an attitude adjustment. Don't be so hard on yourself, it's been what a month?
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Old 12-15-2011, 08:27 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

Its been a very ODD month..
This sh!t has to be something like my mind trying to reconcile my emotions. Some days I feel positive, and am happy about my freedom and new house and all, then other days, Im pretty freaking down most of the day. When I look back and examine the days of the week, its still like a rollercoaster. At least that gives me promise that there will be positive days again, and hopefully more and more, eventually squeezing out the occurrance of the melancholy.
I am dog dead tired today. Dont really know why, but just exhausted this morning... I could use a couple days off, wake up late in the morning, make some coffee and eggsnbacon, then, fire up the xbox for several levels of Skyrim.. Level 21 btw right now! got the Staff of Magnus, and just unlocked the second word for "slow time".. :tee heee!!!
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Old 12-15-2011, 08:24 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

Shoo,
Man, I've been lurking on this site for several months and have been watching your posts. Keep them coming, stallion! It's almost like you and I are living parallel lives and thinking the same things. I've found that when I see some of your posts I actually begin to understand a little more about myself.

I'm with you on where you are at. Only difference is I changed jobs not too long ago and it has been such a stressful and time consuming endeavor that I hardly know what happened. But....I decided upon learning of my ExW's affair that I was just going to blow the whole darn thing up and start over. Never knew it was going to be this hard.

Rollercoaster? Check!!! Days where I feel like sitting around doing nothing? Check!!! The one thing I will say is that I am getting tired of it and starting to look at things and think, "is this really it?" "Is this what life is suppose to be like?" Nope! I do know it's time to get up off of my behind and expand myself a bit more. However, a night of mindless activity is ok and needed every now and again.

Good book for you....Read "The Traveler's Gift" by Andy Andrews. Good stuff. I need to take my own advice and read it again!

Take care man.
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Old 12-15-2011, 08:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

Go with the flow for now.

Then start looking into things that you know you like to do and maybe some you have never considered. Make a like of 25 things you want to do and start doing them. You might need to join a club or group to do it.

Then maybe you can plan a vacation around on of them. Get a friend or two to go with you.

I can think of things... skiing, scuba diving, ski diving (if you can take that), para sailing, moutainn climbing?

What sort of things did you do and enjoy before you married?
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Old 12-16-2011, 05:02 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

shoo:
Lucky you. I have PS3 and I want Skyrim badly but I'm not buying with all the problems. I'll wait. Am re-hashing Oblivion for a fix.

Wish you luck with everything. The good times will come and the bad times will lessen, but unfortunately, they are there also.

Boy, we've all been put through the ringer.
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Old 12-21-2011, 10:33 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

It's World of Warcraft for me. I've been playing it for years. My son and I play together. Ironically my husband was the one who got me into it originally then he stopped playing and used to give me a hard time about playing it and ignoring him.

Now we are separated and I play when I want.

Hobbies, hobbies...there's always something to do! I kayak, I hike, I bicycle and when it finally SNOWS I'll go snowshoeing and skiing!

Sometimes I just like to read a good book or listen to my IPod.

"Life is a Banquet and most poor sons of bi*tches starving to death!"
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Change the way you've lived for so long
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Old 12-22-2011, 07:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

hey shoo I'm over at coping still facing divorce taking a peek to see if there is life after divorce. Sorry its been rough for you. Can you think of activities that you gave up for your wife?
I put doing my music on the back burner now I'm getting back into it. Its selfish time now take care of number one! have fun meet people.
take a class in something you've always wanted to learn rent the movies she didn't like ect and become your kids dominant influence the best revenge empower them every chance you get and give them lots of love - (easy part)
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Old 01-31-2012, 01:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

After divorce settlement I want to suggest you to live your life in new way and best of luck for your life.
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Old 02-01-2012, 09:25 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

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Originally Posted by Shooboomafoo View Post
Just feel like I am going through the motions, and not really loving life or living it.. Minutes turn into hours, turn into days, and then another week has gone by, a month, a year.. I should be glad to be able to wake up and draw breath, (and of course I am), but I guess I am realizing how boring my personal life is when not attached and active in a marriage. I feel like I am wasting my days, and I dont like that feeling.
You are not the only one who is feeling this way. I definitely feel like I am just trying to pass the time. I'm not living life to the fullest, and I'm very lonely. Heck...I'm the one who wanted the divorce. Now I'm stuck in a state that I only moved to because my ex is from here. My only friends here are ones I met through work and school. I am looking for a job closer to my family, but there is not much in my field. So, now I may be forced to renew my lease and stay here longer (until I can find a job out of state). I feel like I'm such a vibrant person, and I get along so well with people, and I love to laugh and have fun. However, at the end of the day, I come home to an empty apartment and watch tv.

I went to my first meetup group event a few weeks ago, and hopefully I can become more active with meetup groups. I think that any period of dramatic transition and change is always difficult. I don't cry every day anymore like I did in the beginning. I'm used to living alone again. I am trying to take control of the things that I can control. Working out makes me feel better, and I feel that it's one of the few things I have control of in my life that has a positive impact. I look good, and I'm healthy. I think my depression would be much worse if I wasn't exercising. Hopefully, with spring around the corner, I can get outside and do more things.
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Old 02-09-2012, 03:14 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced, settled in,, now what?

And cut your self a break here, you have just been through an incredible trauma and if you need to lay low to get re-energized then do that, no one will suffer because you exit from the world, as long as it doesn't last too long.
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