Memories of her haunt me - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 11:38 PM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

Realize that it might surprise you how much time it will take to sort yourself out before you are ready for another relationship. I was married nine years to my first wife and it took me over two years before I was even capable of being a decent date to someone. After five and a half years I married again and hindsight shows I was barely ready for it.

My betrayal/divorce was over 23 years ago and I still occasionally get a "haunting", but I've managed to get my heart to align with my intellect that the wonderful girl I married had covertly morphed into a rotten person and I am better off to have been betrayed years ago than to have invested more of myself into a person who would ultimately fail me.

I now value and appreciate the profound "enlightenment" I've acquired from the experience, but I sure wouldn't willingly sign up for another ride on the betrayal wagon. Give yourself time to heal and absorb the lessons from your experience before you get into another relationship.

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post #17 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 01:02 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

I regret not seeking counseling after my one significant break up 3 decades ago. I did not take it well. Definitely could have used some help getting unstuck.

I eventually sought counseling years later, and I suppose I still had some of that to let go of, though that was not the only motivator.

I don't recall a single insight any counselor gave me, but I benefited. It was the process of talking about it (and other things) and laying it to rest that yielded the benefits, best I can tell.

A book called "You Don't Have to Suffer" was relieving. I'd agree there is probably help from learning about grief. There surely are counselirs who specialize in grief and divorce. has a good tool for finding counsrlors.

"We are only here briefly, and in this moment I want to allow myself joy." -- Amy, from Spike Jonze's "Her"
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post #18 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 01:23 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

The best way to deal with a narcissistic society is to unplug, for an unannounced and undetermined amount of time. Quit social media altogether and go monk mode. Focus on your healing. Do wholesome things you enjoy. Try new things you've never done.

The people who actually care about maintaining contact the old ways, will come out of the woodwork to know how you are.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #19 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 05:16 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Try not to romanticize her. Remember her actions not just your moments together. She did horrible things to you, so no matter how great she made you feel in the end she was a bust. Start to romanticize your future. Make yourself the best you can be for the TRUE love that is out there. Focus on that, not on this imposter. Allow yourself to have hope.
Your grief is real but I believe a little misplaced, the highlighted quote above explains why.

You miss the woman you fell in love with and married, and you miss the ideas and dreams of the perfect forever life. But the woman you divorced, the woman who cheated and lied, deceived and disappointed is not the woman you miss, the woman you missed is sadly long gone and replaced with the nasty thing you divorced. Don't miss her for a second, she doesn't deserve it.
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post #20 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-19-2017, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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