Memories of her haunt me - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:31 PM Thread Starter
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Although I'm at a better place mentally than I was while going through the separation and now divorce. It still feels like at any minute I will wake up and my life as I remember it would be back. I can't help but think what went wrong and why wasn't I worth it to her. Now I have a better paying job, starting to loss much needed weight....I have no one to share it with. There are times I'm excited for the future then there are times when all I can do is think of my ex. I see things in the store I know she would like and it hurts for all of 5 minutes. That's the place im at right now. 5 minutes of pain....acceptance but the lingering feelings remain. I know I will never forget what we had. Even writing this ....it hits me that this is actually happening. This my life right now...Im a divorce man......and my once bestfriend is gone... to be honest there was no reason for it. She chose to cheat which I still can't understand....and now I'm paying for it emotionally in spurts. Time heals everything. My patience is shot though. I have tried sleeping with other women that knew my situation...they both wanted to get her off my mind but all it did was make me feel guilty. Sad I know. I'm just going through the motions.


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post #2 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 11:52 PM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

Yep. Been there, done that many years ago. It haunted me for a long time even though I knew I was better off without her. It was hard to get my heart to listen to my logical mind. Still blindsides me once in a while.

What I did was I wrote down, as clearly as possible, all the reasons why I was so much better off. I put the list in a drawer and when I occasionally got a case of the "haunting" I pulled out the list and forced myself to comprehend and believe the hard clear logic scrawled upon the paper. This way I forced my heart to submit to my mind.

Practice makes perfect. And lest you doubt yourself, I can attest to the truth in GOOD RIDDANCE TO A CHEATER!
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post #3 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 12:02 AM Thread Starter
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Hmmm. That's actually a good idea. I already know karma is going to bite her in the ass. She gave me the house in the divorce.....a little while later I received a huge raise. But still sucks this had to go down and your right my logic is trying to line up with my heart. Just my heart is being a jerk about it. For some reason I can't stop thinking about the what if's at random moments. I think I'm going to try that strategy.
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post #4 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 12:50 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

You force those thoughts back down and keep them from messing with your life.
Stop giving that rotten person the power to continue hurting you.
Haunting is a good term, because the person you loved is dead. Perhaps they never existed except in your dreams. Dream of a new woman that keeps her vows--- and give yourself the chance to find her.
The right woman can vanquish those ghosts of the past. You have to persevere.
Consider giving all that pain up to One that can handle it.
I know exactly what you speak of. When I feel those thoughts coming on, I force myself to remember who she really showed herself to be, who she really is. And I am at peace. I will not let my cheating ex ruin my happiness. You don't have to, either.
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post #5 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 01:34 AM
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Cool Re: Memories of her haunt me

Truth be told, I think that this happens to most every BS. It actually took me a few years ~ but for others, it may take little time, and for others still, it may take much longer when compared to people like me!

The important thing here is to eventually absolve yourself by the offering of forgiveness because that, in and of itself, seems to have a soul-cleansing effect!

But while forgiveness is a good and a paramount thing, always remembering what it was that has happened to you is going to be divine, for it is that that greatly aids you in your not ever attempting to revisit or repeat those same painful mistakes from your past!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html

Last edited by arbitrator; 01-18-2017 at 05:56 AM. Reason: Edification
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post #6 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 03:03 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

You're still mourning the relationship. It's OK, as long as you are also learning to live without her. There comes a time when the mourning ends as long as you're keeping active doing things with others or alone.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #7 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 04:02 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

OP just remember you're a good guy, and she's the one where her characters is in question. Your heart is missing the girl that she used to be she is no longer that girl she became a POS. The girl you used to know died and out of the ashes came Satan just try to think of it in anyway you can to get over her but the only thing you have that's going to help you is time. If it makes you feel better nothing well. Honestly because you're missing the your wife that doesn't exist anymore that's the truth.

What I truly believe is that. we are supposed to learn and I'm sure others will agree. The tremendous emptiness and emotional pain we experience is so excruciating pain to help us learn wow I don't want to experience that pain again.! that hurt really bad.! Do we ever really learn.? most of us Do not learn that easy. Unfortunately it takes time after time we touch the pot on the stove over and over again knowing full well that sh!t is hot. Also we are supposed to grow emotionally mature from these unfortunate situations. so that we become a mentally stronger person. So the next time were in a similar situation. Enabling us to make a more mature and rational decision.

Spartans lay down your weapons.! "Persian come and get them"
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post #8 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 04:07 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

Look up the five stages of grief. Basically, it's what you are going through. My counselor told me, neither I nor my ex are the same person we were then. It's true and it's sad. It can be good, since you have learned something valuable about folks and about yourself.

Those bonding chemicals are very strong. When you do finally meet someone else, you won't love the same. You may love better. New neural pathways will be produced due to the happiness you share with that special someone. You will create new memories that will fill you with joy.

Some of these "good" memories will still be there. Many will be gone. The ones that changed your life will sometimes crop up, inciting emotions. You will be able to push the aside with the tools of knowledge that you did the right thing and new interests, hobbies and goals.

I wish I could tell you it will all go away. It doesn't, if you really loved her. It just gets easier to deal with. You will be okay and maybe much happier in the end.

Hang in there and make new goals and live to make the most out of your life. You can't share your love unless you are filled with it inside. Learn to love yourself.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #9 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:16 AM Thread Starter
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For my emotional state...All I can say is its no where near as bad as it was. Still it isn't easy. I'm going to do my best not to let this jeopardize potential love interest in the future.

Its hard in today's society though...Simply stated, it is too narcissistic.,more than past generations. Marriages fail more often than not because of people with this "its only about me syndrome". At least that's what it feels like.

Everyone seem so adept to quit, cheat or just disappear because things get difficult. I don't want to be bitter but I busted my ass everyday at work...compromised the best way I could. I'm not the most emotional guy in the world to express my feelings but I gave effort.

I know someone mentioned hobbies...well I'm trying to learn a different language. Im'a try my hand at traveling once I get the chance. After some self evaluation...I have really forgot how to put myself first..I'm so used to putting my family before any of my needs. But with all of that being said she still proved not to be the right one....even though the time we spent together had more ups than downs. Her character didn't show up when it counted.

I realize that now. I really do hate that I have to go through this. I know most of you feel the same.
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post #10 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:38 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

Richi,

I recall you telling us you want to learn Japan...that is a wonderful idea, but as other noted here you need to work this through, i think keeping a journal (as mentioned previously) is a perfect solution for you, whether it be everyday or every other day, writing down your thoughts and feelings, write the conversations to her down, you will be amazed how better you will feel with every day that passes...literally exhaust yourself in your writing, eventually you will feel like only writing once a week and then once a month and then one day not at all...and a year from now you might pick it up and read it and be surprised where you are at the moment from today......no matter how hard this is for you...imagine her life now....she ruined her marriage, lost her home, she lost her best friend in her infidelity, she got pregnant by the OM and then dumped, so now she is living life she never expected as well...and she only has herself to blame....from that perspective your in much better place...i know it does not look like that today....but long run i think so.

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post #11 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:58 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

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Originally Posted by Sparta View Post
OP just remember you're a good guy, and she's the one where her characters is in question. Your heart is missing the girl that she used to be she is no longer that girl she became a POS. The girl you used to know died and out of the ashes came Satan just try to think of it in anyway you can to get over her but the only thing you have that's going to help you is time. If it makes you feel better nothing well. Honestly because you're missing the your wife that doesn't exist anymore that's the truth.
100%

As I've been going through stuff in boxes after my move, I have come across a number of things which remind me of better times. Souvenir t-shirts from trips we took before we even had kids. Pictures. Sometimes that can be difficult.

Recently I was having a brief discussion with her about something which might be helpful for her to be aware of. She responded with some information which revealed yet another deception. And that brought me back to reality.

As Sparta says, the girl she used to be no longer exists. It can be sad to remember the good times and wish she hadn't done the things she did. But it is what it is now.
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post #12 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

i'm 7 years out from leaving my ex. plus i'm remarried to the love of my life.

i'm happier now than probably iv'e ever been. life has a wonderful way of healing us and giving us new opportunities.

and yet she still haunts me from time to time. i still catch myself every now and then thinking about her and thinking of the good times
the bad times and what she needed that i couldn't give her.
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post #13 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 10:16 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

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Originally Posted by Richi300 View Post
I realize that now. I really do hate that I have to go through this. I know most of you feel the same.
Yes, but ... I think this will result in personal growth into more authenticity. Instead of focusing on your family or on her, you choose to live the way which brings you fulfillment. And that will eventually attract other people into your life who share the same values. Then you will have a much better match in future relationships. Look at this transition as the process to getting to more happiness and better relationships.
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post #14 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 10:39 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

Try not to romanticize her. Remember her actions not just your moments together. She did horrible things to you, so no matter how great she made you feel in the end she was a bust. Start to romanticize your future. Make yourself the best you can be for the TRUE love that is out there. Focus on that, not on this imposter. Allow yourself to have hope.
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post #15 of 20 (permalink) Old 01-18-2017, 11:33 AM
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Re: Memories of her haunt me

Richi300, I feel your pain buddy...hang in there.

I am 4 years out from my divorce from XWW. As time goes by I do feel better and the depressive thoughts have become less. But honestly, she still crosses my mind everyday. Sometimes it makes me sad, sometimes it pisses me off, but it's always there like a dull pain. I also realize that I'm better off without a cheater but that only slightly lessens the blow.

I don't seem to be having much luck in the dating department either. Maybe some of this is because of my age. I've been doing OLD but haven't met anyone I'm interested in...not even close. All my dates seem to do is remind me of what I miss about my XWW (the good stuff) and what we had together (family). I really don't seem to be attracted to many other women. I've even noticed that the very few that I am attracted too, remind me of my XWW in some way.

I'm hoping that time and distance will erase her from my mind but I've read before from some other BS's that it may never completely go away. Making lists and having hobby's can only do so much. I'm thinking the only way to remove her completely is to replace her with someone else. I am hoping that some day, that will be possible for me.
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