Intense feelings - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 07:06 AM Thread Starter
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Intense feelings

I met a man in November, a fellow single Dad, and we're taking it slow, but I don't remember feeling this sense of rightness before. We start talking, and I look at the clock and 5 hours have gone by, in what seems like the space of an hour. He's in the same profession, and loves cooking and food as much as me, so we have a lot in common, and he is an incredibly dedicated father, and raises his son the majority of the time, which is perhaps one of the things I like the most about him. He isn't at all bitter, and genuinely loves his time with his son.

The chemistry is pretty intense. I am chalking this up to new person sex, but also feel when the emotional connection is there, the sex is sort of explosive. He seems pretty focused on my pleasure, which is a refreshing change, but makes me feel a bit guilty sometimes, as when he is trying to please me, I feel like the focus should be on him. He is definitely a giver in all aspects, and sometimes when someone does things for me, it makes me feel guilty, like I don't deserve it.

Have any divorced parents out there dated other single parents? Did it work? How did you make sure you had time for each other? Our schedules are pretty challenging since during the week neither of us has much time together. We're both agreed we want to wait quite a while before we meet each other's children, to make sure we feel like there's a good shot it's going to work out between us first.

I'm also a little scared by the intensity. It shouldn't feel like this early on, before you really know someone well. Any advice on ways to take a step back and be more certain of someone's character before developing feelings? I am not naive and young enough to think I'm in love, since we haven't dealt with the mundane details of life together yet - it has all been sex, and talking and romance. But it feels like a promising start to something pretty incredible.

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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 01-21-2017, 07:34 AM
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Re: Intense feelings

Congratulations!

Go with the ebb and flow, the push and the pull, the kiss and the kisser.

As long as your heart is not endangered and all mostly positive, all is good.

Quote:
I am not naive and young enough to think I'm in love.
Hah! Dream on, my dear! Love knows no boundaries.

Age has little to do with it. Well, very advanced age, and even that is a maybe.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 12:29 PM
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Re: Intense feelings

Consider yourself lucky and just go with it.

I wish I had your problem. I haven't met anyone, in the 4 years since my divorce was final, that I even wanted to go on a second or third date with. I wish I could feel an intense attraction and connection with someone else. I'm concerned that I am no longer capable of those feelings and wonder if the truma of infidelity and divorce has damaged that part of me.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 01:45 PM
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Re: Intense feelings

Disclaimer: I am not a single parent, so I can only tell you what I have observed (and what I have read, written by single parents dating other single parents).

The time thing is always going to be an issue. It just is, when dating someone with kids. I've dated a couple divorced dads, and even when I was able to be super flexible, scheduling was still problematic, and in both cases, we couldn't see each other as often as we would have if there were no kids in the picture. You just have to be patient and make the time together count. Think quality, not quantity.

And this may be putting the cart before the horse, but it's worth bringing up early so you can keep it in mind, especially since you are having such intense feelings for this man. The divorce rate is higher for second marriages than it is for first marriages, and among second marriages, the divorce rate is much higher for blended-family marriages than it is for second marriages where no children are involved. (I want to give you exact stats, but the numbers vary from source to source. But the most common numbers I've found are the US divorce rate is about 45% overall (all marriages, whether first or fourth); for blended family marriages (usually second marriages), that rate rises to 67%.) Blending families is a lot of extra pressure on top of the regular stressors of marriage: the kids might not get along (read: hate each other and be openly antagonistic), different parenting styles can cause conflict when different kids are treated differently, conflict between spouses regarding discipline and who is "allowed" to discipline which children, conflict over money spent on which children (is one set of children "spoiled" because their other parent pays more in child support or spends a lot of money on them). These are just examples--there are a lot of landmines where kids are involved, not to mention Exes/co-parents making trouble (not always intentionally), and kids don't always understand the nuances that come along with blended families. People always say, "We want to make sure that we will work long-term before we introduce the kids." You also have to ask, will the KIDS work long-term, before I get too attached to this other person, and try to make this work? If there is too much conflict with the kids, it literally has the power to ruin your marriage. I've seen it happen to friends of mine.

Just food for thought.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:37 PM
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Re: Intense feelings

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Originally Posted by Decimated View Post
Consider yourself lucky and just go with it.

I wish I had your problem. I haven't met anyone, in the 4 years since my divorce was final, that I even wanted to go on a second or third date with. I wish I could feel an intense attraction and connection with someone else. I'm concerned that I am no longer capable of those feelings and wonder if the truma of infidelity and divorce has damaged that part of me.
It was 4 years before I had any interest in dating again and 6 years before I met my husband.
Healing takes time.

Last edited by Diana7; 01-27-2017 at 10:47 PM.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 10:47 PM
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Re: Intense feelings

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Originally Posted by joannacroc View Post
I met a man in November, a fellow single Dad, and we're taking it slow, but I don't remember feeling this sense of rightness before. We start talking, and I look at the clock and 5 hours have gone by, in what seems like the space of an hour. He's in the same profession, and loves cooking and food as much as me, so we have a lot in common, and he is an incredibly dedicated father, and raises his son the majority of the time, which is perhaps one of the things I like the most about him. He isn't at all bitter, and genuinely loves his time with his son.

The chemistry is pretty intense. I am chalking this up to new person sex, but also feel when the emotional connection is there, the sex is sort of explosive. He seems pretty focused on my pleasure, which is a refreshing change, but makes me feel a bit guilty sometimes, as when he is trying to please me, I feel like the focus should be on him. He is definitely a giver in all aspects, and sometimes when someone does things for me, it makes me feel guilty, like I don't deserve it.

Have any divorced parents out there dated other single parents? Did it work? How did you make sure you had time for each other? Our schedules are pretty challenging since during the week neither of us has much time together. We're both agreed we want to wait quite a while before we meet each other's children, to make sure we feel like there's a good shot it's going to work out between us first.

I'm also a little scared by the intensity. It shouldn't feel like this early on, before you really know someone well. Any advice on ways to take a step back and be more certain of someone's character before developing feelings? I am not naive and young enough to think I'm in love, since we haven't dealt with the mundane details of life together yet - it has all been sex, and talking and romance. But it feels like a promising start to something pretty incredible.
Sometimes having sex too soon can make a relationship more intense than it normally would be. If all you do is have sex then how will you get to know him?
Maybe take a step back from that and begin to make time to actually get to know each other. Do normal every day things together, observe him with other people, his family, how does he treat people? is he kinds and compassionate? Learn what his character and integrity are like. Is he honest? Does he have good moral values? How is he with money? Does he like his job? How does he speak about his ex wife? Is he over her yet? Has be recovered from the divorce?
Does he have friends? Have you met them? Have you met any of his family?
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 11:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Intense feelings

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Disclaimer: I am not a single parent, so I can only tell you what I have observed (and what I have read, written by single parents dating other single parents).

The time thing is always going to be an issue. It just is, when dating someone with kids. I've dated a couple divorced dads, and even when I was able to be super flexible, scheduling was still problematic, and in both cases, we couldn't see each other as often as we would have if there were no kids in the picture. You just have to be patient and make the time together count. Think quality, not quantity.

And this may be putting the cart before the horse, but it's worth bringing up early so you can keep it in mind, especially since you are having such intense feelings for this man. The divorce rate is higher for second marriages than it is for first marriages, and among second marriages, the divorce rate is much higher for blended-family marriages than it is for second marriages where no children are involved. (I want to give you exact stats, but the numbers vary from source to source. But the most common numbers I've found are the US divorce rate is about 45% overall (all marriages, whether first or fourth); for blended family marriages (usually second marriages), that rate rises to 67%.) Blending families is a lot of extra pressure on top of the regular stressors of marriage: the kids might not get along (read: hate each other and be openly antagonistic), different parenting styles can cause conflict when different kids are treated differently, conflict between spouses regarding discipline and who is "allowed" to discipline which children, conflict over money spent on which children (is one set of children "spoiled" because their other parent pays more in child support or spends a lot of money on them). These are just examples--there are a lot of landmines where kids are involved, not to mention Exes/co-parents making trouble (not always intentionally), and kids don't always understand the nuances that come along with blended families. People always say, "We want to make sure that we will work long-term before we introduce the kids." You also have to ask, will the KIDS work long-term, before I get too attached to this other person, and try to make this work? If there is too much conflict with the kids, it literally has the power to ruin your marriage. I've seen it happen to friends of mine.

Just food for thought.
Thanks. I needed to hear that. It's something I worry about in general. I guess the downside to waiting a long time before introducing a potential suitor and their kids to my son is that I won't know if they mesh before I get attached, but I'm pretty determined that it's not a good idea to introduce anyone to my son before I've been dating for 6 months and am pretty sure it's going somewhere. I guess there are cons either way. Not allowing myself to get too enamored before I meet some of his friends/family/people who know him. From there, we'll see.
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 11:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Intense feelings

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
Sometimes having sex too soon can make a relationship more intense than it normally would be. If all you do is have sex then how will you get to know him?
Maybe take a step back from that and begin to make time to actually get to know each other. Do normal every day things together, observe him with other people, his family, how does he treat people? is he kinds and compassionate? Learn what his character and integrity are like. Is he honest? Does he have good moral values? How is he with money? Does he like his job? How does he speak about his ex wife? Is he over her yet? Has be recovered from the divorce?
Does he have friends? Have you met them? Have you met any of his family?
I must have expressed myself poorly. We talk a LOT. We have sex whenever we can squeeze in time for each other - which is one of the reasons for my concern in terms of dating someone who like me has a kid. By no means are we only having sex. What I meant to say, was that rather than sharing the realities of a longterm relationship - bills, family, in-laws, sickness, kid issues, education, school, finances etc. etc. - we have only experienced talking, sex, spending time together, so obviously we don't know each other well enough for me to be experiencing such an intense reaction to him.

Your point about the family and friends is well taken. Personally I feel it's a bit early to introduce him to my friends and vice versa, but eventually, yes, they are an EXCELLENT indicator of who he is as a person. Believe me, I will pay very close attention, because that's when a lot of red flags are visible, if they exist.

He loves his job, is passionate about working with kids. Honestly, I thought my husband was good with money when I was married to him, and it turns out - terrible. So I don't know enough yet to form a judgment. I do know he doesn't appear to live beyond his means - but really, who knows. I don't REALLY know him well enough to make a balanced judgement yet - and so the thought of having really intense feelings for someone whose character I don't yet know well enough to be discerning is scary.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 01-28-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: Intense feelings

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
Disclaimer: I am not a single parent, so I can only tell you what I have observed (and what I have read, written by single parents dating other single parents).

The time thing is always going to be an issue. It just is, when dating someone with kids. I've dated a couple divorced dads, and even when I was able to be super flexible, scheduling was still problematic, and in both cases, we couldn't see each other as often as we would have if there were no kids in the picture. You just have to be patient and make the time together count. Think quality, not quantity.

And this may be putting the cart before the horse, but it's worth bringing up early so you can keep it in mind, especially since you are having such intense feelings for this man. The divorce rate is higher for second marriages than it is for first marriages, and among second marriages, the divorce rate is much higher for blended-family marriages than it is for second marriages where no children are involved. (I want to give you exact stats, but the numbers vary from source to source. But the most common numbers I've found are the US divorce rate is about 45% overall (all marriages, whether first or fourth); for blended family marriages (usually second marriages), that rate rises to 67%.) Blending families is a lot of extra pressure on top of the regular stressors of marriage: the kids might not get along (read: hate each other and be openly antagonistic), different parenting styles can cause conflict when different kids are treated differently, conflict between spouses regarding discipline and who is "allowed" to discipline which children, conflict over money spent on which children (is one set of children "spoiled" because their other parent pays more in child support or spends a lot of money on them). These are just examples--there are a lot of landmines where kids are involved, not to mention Exes/co-parents making trouble (not always intentionally), and kids don't always understand the nuances that come along with blended families. People always say, "We want to make sure that we will work long-term before we introduce the kids." You also have to ask, will the KIDS work long-term, before I get too attached to this other person, and try to make this work? If there is too much conflict with the kids, it literally has the power to ruin your marriage. I've seen it happen to friends of mine.

Just food for thought.
You are so right here. I think in the uk its over 60% of second marriages fail.

We were maybe more fortunate in that our children were aged 18-26 when we met and then married, so he didn't need to have contact with his ex once the divorce was over, but there were still many issues we had to over come.
My 2 daughters were still at home when we met, one had left by the time we married, and having been deeply hurt by their father, they weren't in the least bit interested in having another father figure around. We had problems with his ex still trying to contact him for various things up to a year after we married until he put his foot down and said 'no more'.
His boys didn't treat him well then which made me mad, but it was only a reflection on how she had treated him, and of course we both has lots of baggage being in our 40's and having long first marriages behind us and other stuff.

However we had a strong relationship even then, and we managed to overcome all this stuff, and my children love him now as well.
Second marriages arent easy though, especially when you have young children and exes who you will have to have contact with over the children until they are maybe in their mid teens and can arrange things directly.

In some ways its amazing that 40% are successful, but for us its been well worth it.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 01-29-2017, 11:53 PM
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Re: Intense feelings

Dear Joanna,

Read the reasons not to do below: I am getting divorced after ten years. This was my third. I really thought it would work out. I stayed 9 or 8 years to long.
What I learned for me, but I don't know if this would help you, but it could give you something to think about, choose to marry if he asks you, or enjoy each others company until both your children leave the nest and gone for over two years. Keep your own residence or he keeps his. Do not co-mingle assets either nor shack up, but their is nothing wrong for you to maybe spend weekend together when the kids are at the ex-s house. Then you get 5 days alone to enjoy your kids, read a book alone, see friends, and maybe have your love interests over during the middle of the week, but send them home at 10PM. No trouble, no divorce, or getting a court order to move the person out of you home, and if you need to bail you are safe and a home to protect you from all sort of things.

1. Do enjoy the company but no more more, No marriage ever until kids are grown.

2. The kids may not be friends nor tolerate each other. they will not come together and no guarantee. Before we married, my son is 14, my stepson is 16, stepdaughter is age 15 a decade ago. They hung out a little, but every time, less and less. My wife and I moved in together a year before we got married. My son came over every other weekend for a month. Then all of a sudden the step-kids, the wife started to hide, ignore, me and my son. The step kids didn't want to have anything to do with my son. My wife gave my son and I the cold shoulder and I never felt safe nor enjoyed seeing my son. This went on for three months, then stupidly I dropped seeing my son for the last 12 years. My son is a relationship drain, but to get the cold shoulder from my new family, with no interaction at all for two days. I should have left 8-9 years ago, I can't describe the eeriness how the cold shoulder and the disdain shown toward me and my son feels. I could almost say it is hate, disdain, and contempt that is equal to the winter temperature of -10 degrees with a windchill factor of -25 degrees and you are not wearing a hat or a scarf. That alone, that I didn't do anything about it makes me angry.

3. You or him can develop disdain for the kids over night, So it is best to hang out with your love interest and keep the kids and the love interest away from each other.

4. Come together for maybe holiday dinners and birthdays, but neither of your children stay at any of your house over night. He and they, you and he, your kids, you, and he separate and go home at 10 pm.

5. You or he or both may cheat in his situation. It's not cheating you are not married. That is o.k. Enjoy the other persons company too. Just don't tell. If you meet up and you are with someone else, say it's your friend. Make it clear to the boyfriend and your current love interest that they should call before coming over and ask if you are busy. Both of you don't need your style cramped.

6. Blended family rarely works.
If you marry, it is rough taking care of ones two kids if married. imagine four or six. You both will be so tired I can guarantee you will not have sex but four times a year. If either of you get diabetes, a heart condition, heart issues, or a endocrine, depression, or hormone problem you will never have sex with that many kids or issues in your relationship. To overcome the health issues that spread into the bedroom as you age you don't need stress from kids, work, health etc because to stay close in having sex to maintain closeness to build a bond you need to set up the romantic and build up to have sex, have it, and schedule the event to last an hour, dinner, talking candle light holding hands, reminiscing, some vino, kissing and touching, then go at it for the last ten minutes of the hours, if it lasts longer great! You both must commit to the activity session whether you are in the mood not, fake it until you make it. When the libido is low, the enjoyment of the touch, togetherness, and the build up is more important even if either one can't come to a climax. Do not fret because you are going to have a schedule of every three days.

7. Keep your love interest to yourself 90% of the time.

8. If you are thinking two incomes are better than one or getting married with make things easier financially. IT WILL NOT.

9. If you do marry and either does not put the other on the title, or mortgage and either one is a sole owner you can expect the person who is not on the deed, mortgage, or the title. not on all three. the person not on the mortgage will figure: my money isn't going to fix your house, I am not invested in this because you don't trust me enough to make me an equal partner. As the unequal partner will feel no investment and I am just a boarder in this house, why should I care doing the cleaning, doing the chores or lawn or fix--its WTF.

10. My wife refinanced the house in the 6th year of marriage and did not ad me on. I was pissed. I told her that I will not life a finger to clean, fix, do the lawn, nor put any of my earnings to fix anything. I said I will only pay for a equal share of major repair, appliances electrical, plumbing or, water system, nor paint it in-side or out. Doing this let her know I have no invested interest. She let me know by not adding me to the mortgage was an indicator she is not invested in our relationship.

11. Just have fun, no marriage, keep the kids separate, see him when both of you send your children to their other parent. keep your own home, no moving in at anytime. keep money separate.

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-03-2017, 02:43 PM
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Re: Intense feelings

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Originally Posted by Davidmidwest View Post
Dear Joanna,

Read the reasons not to do below: I am getting divorced after ten years. This was my third. I really thought it would work out. I stayed 9 or 8 years to long.
What I learned for me, but I don't know if this would help you, but it could give you something to think about, choose to marry if he asks you, or enjoy each others company until both your children leave the nest and gone for over two years. Keep your own residence or he keeps his. Do not co-mingle assets either nor shack up, but their is nothing wrong for you to maybe spend weekend together when the kids are at the ex-s house. Then you get 5 days alone to enjoy your kids, read a book alone, see friends, and maybe have your love interests over during the middle of the week, but send them home at 10PM. No trouble, no divorce, or getting a court order to move the person out of you home, and if you need to bail you are safe and a home to protect you from all sort of things.

1. Do enjoy the company but no more more, No marriage ever until kids are grown.

2. The kids may not be friends nor tolerate each other. they will not come together and no guarantee. Before we married, my son is 14, my stepson is 16, stepdaughter is age 15 a decade ago. They hung out a little, but every time, less and less. My wife and I moved in together a year before we got married. My son came over every other weekend for a month. Then all of a sudden the step-kids, the wife started to hide, ignore, me and my son. The step kids didn't want to have anything to do with my son. My wife gave my son and I the cold shoulder and I never felt safe nor enjoyed seeing my son. This went on for three months, then stupidly I dropped seeing my son for the last 12 years. My son is a relationship drain, but to get the cold shoulder from my new family, with no interaction at all for two days. I should have left 8-9 years ago, I can't describe the eeriness how the cold shoulder and the disdain shown toward me and my son feels. I could almost say it is hate, disdain, and contempt that is equal to the winter temperature of -10 degrees with a windchill factor of -25 degrees and you are not wearing a hat or a scarf. That alone, that I didn't do anything about it makes me angry.

3. You or him can develop disdain for the kids over night, So it is best to hang out with your love interest and keep the kids and the love interest away from each other.

4. Come together for maybe holiday dinners and birthdays, but neither of your children stay at any of your house over night. He and they, you and he, your kids, you, and he separate and go home at 10 pm.

5. You or he or both may cheat in his situation. It's not cheating you are not married. That is o.k. Enjoy the other persons company too. Just don't tell. If you meet up and you are with someone else, say it's your friend. Make it clear to the boyfriend and your current love interest that they should call before coming over and ask if you are busy. Both of you don't need your style cramped.

6. Blended family rarely works.
If you marry, it is rough taking care of ones two kids if married. imagine four or six. You both will be so tired I can guarantee you will not have sex but four times a year. If either of you get diabetes, a heart condition, heart issues, or a endocrine, depression, or hormone problem you will never have sex with that many kids or issues in your relationship. To overcome the health issues that spread into the bedroom as you age you don't need stress from kids, work, health etc because to stay close in having sex to maintain closeness to build a bond you need to set up the romantic and build up to have sex, have it, and schedule the event to last an hour, dinner, talking candle light holding hands, reminiscing, some vino, kissing and touching, then go at it for the last ten minutes of the hours, if it lasts longer great! You both must commit to the activity session whether you are in the mood not, fake it until you make it. When the libido is low, the enjoyment of the touch, togetherness, and the build up is more important even if either one can't come to a climax. Do not fret because you are going to have a schedule of every three days.

7. Keep your love interest to yourself 90% of the time.

8. If you are thinking two incomes are better than one or getting married with make things easier financially. IT WILL NOT.

9. If you do marry and either does not put the other on the title, or mortgage and either one is a sole owner you can expect the person who is not on the deed, mortgage, or the title. not on all three. the person not on the mortgage will figure: my money isn't going to fix your house, I am not invested in this because you don't trust me enough to make me an equal partner. As the unequal partner will feel no investment and I am just a boarder in this house, why should I care doing the cleaning, doing the chores or lawn or fix--its WTF.

10. My wife refinanced the house in the 6th year of marriage and did not ad me on. I was pissed. I told her that I will not life a finger to clean, fix, do the lawn, nor put any of my earnings to fix anything. I said I will only pay for a equal share of major repair, appliances electrical, plumbing or, water system, nor paint it in-side or out. Doing this let her know I have no invested interest. She let me know by not adding me to the mortgage was an indicator she is not invested in our relationship.

11. Just have fun, no marriage, keep the kids separate, see him when both of you send your children to their other parent. keep your own home, no moving in at anytime. keep money separate.
While this may be the case for some people, this is not true for all. This person is coming out of a place of pain and still needs some healing. So take heed from this experience but realize there are families that work if the time and effort is put in.

In my case, I have not remarried after my first. I have not ruled it out but I am not looking for it. I am enjoying a relationship with an older man with grown kids. Unfortunately, one of the reasons we may not last long term is he is over dealing with kids and mine are small. So choose wisely. In my case, I am looking for a single dad or a man who doesnt mind doing the "dad aka male role model" thing again if the need arises
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 02-12-2017, 04:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Intense feelings

Quote:
Originally Posted by bkyln309 View Post
While this may be the case for some people, this is not true for all. This person is coming out of a place of pain and still needs some healing. So take heed from this experience but realize there are families that work if the time and effort is put in.

In my case, I have not remarried after my first. I have not ruled it out but I am not looking for it. I am enjoying a relationship with an older man with grown kids. Unfortunately, one of the reasons we may not last long term is he is over dealing with kids and mine are small. So choose wisely. In my case, I am looking for a single dad or a man who doesnt mind doing the "dad aka male role model" thing again if the need arises
Yeah, I hear ya. The more I think about it, the more I feel I don't ever really want to get remarried. I could see myself in a long-term relationship, but I am also comfortable being alone. My son and my career give me a lot of satisfaction, and my focus is on giving all of myself to him, and to my fledgling career.

I do sometimes wonder about the age gap in our kids. It will be a good long while before I even consider introducing them, so it's a bit of a moot point. A lot can happen in the next year. Who knows, we might not even be dating anymore in a year. I hope that's not the case, but as you get to know someone, you find that you might have incompatibilities you didn't notice before.

I know what you mean about the role model. In my son's case, he doesn't need a substitute Dad but he does need (if I am in a relationship) to feel comfortable and safe around the person I'm with. I don't ever want him to feel threatened, that I will feel less for him as his mother just because I'm seeing someone.

We did talk about how quickly things have been moving and have acknowledged that for this to grow into something healthy, we need to take things a little more slowly.
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