Relationships and remarrying - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #16 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:33 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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I want someone to share my life with, to make memories with, someone to wake up next to every day and fall asleep in his arms every night. The one person who actually gets me, and who maybe understands me better than I do myself. Someone who thinks I'm worth the trouble, worth the work, and worth the risk. To belong with someone.
That's what I would want but I'm not convinced that it's out there. I guess that's mainly due to the fact I also chose very unwisely and would scared of doing the same thing again.


"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #17 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:42 PM Thread Starter
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From the way its looking the only difference between being married and being exclusive is paperwork. If I have children not being married.....Ill be already ahead of the curve. Ill have enough money to start child support....
In the end good men are losing. Sounds like a bitter guy talking..,. I know...But I look at as being prepared and logical. Because I do one day want to be in another relationship. Just not married.
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post #18 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:45 PM
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Cool Re: Relationships and remarrying

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There is no logical or reasonable reason to get married, the first time or subsequent times.

Marriage is an outdated, failed, over rated concept.

People say "It's a higher level of commitment".

No, it's just a relationship with a legal entanglement that requires lawyers and judges to get out of when things go south, which they do, more often than not.

I will never understand why people get married again after their first marriage failed. You know, the one where you thought you'd be together forever, until of course, you weren't.

You know what they say about the definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results".

I'm happily involved with my girlfriend of 5 years, living together for half of that time, and neither one of us has any plans to remarry even though we have no reason to think this time it will go the distance. It's just not necessary.
Not to even mention needing lawyers offering such premarital services of prenuptial agreements and the like, and county, state, and local agencies selling marriage licenses, et. al. Laws have even been amended in several locales declaring common law marriage, and just like the traditional marital format, thus requiring a full divorce procedure to get out from under! And who best to do that task other than money clutching lawyers!

It may well have taken me two failed marriages, both ending from wifely infidelity, but I think that I may have richly learned my lesson!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #19 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:52 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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That's what I would want but I'm not convinced that it's out there. I guess that's mainly due to the fact I also chose very unwisely and would scared of doing the same thing again.
You know what? I don't know if it's out there. It might not be. Maybe I'll never get married again, and I'll be that weird old lady backpacking around the world by herself. And I'm OK with that, becuase I would be an awesome weird old lady, and I'd rather live life on my own terms and alone than be with the wrong person. But I still hope that person is out there for me. I'm not going to stop looking, and I'm not going to stop trying. And when I find it, I'm gonna marry it.

Listen, I chose unwisely the first time around. Very unwisely. And that part's on me. And I worked really hard to figure out why I chose that way the first time around, and learned what red flags to look for, to make sure that I don't make those same mistakes again. Even so, there's no guarantee. I might be as careful as I can be, get married a second time, and it could still crash and burn. If that happens, then I probably won't get married again! But the emotional and psychological benefits that can come from a committed, healthy relationship... I'm not going to close myself off from that possibility. I'm not going to limit myself and close myself off from living a complete life. That's like... breaking your right leg badly in a car accident, and you have to go through all this physical therapy to learn to walk again, and afterwards you say to yourself, I don't want that to happen again, so I'm going to get my right leg amputated so I can't drive a car, and therefore never get in a car accident again. That's totally illogical, right?

OK, so maybe if you have a long history of dating people who are bad for you, and if you continue to date the same type of people after you get divorced, ok, so maybe you KNOW that getting married again would be a really bad idea, because you simply can't help yourself from making bad decisions, because the bad decision bears in your head always win, then I would say, YES, BY ALL MEANS CUT OFF YOUR LEG. But if you consistently have a history of making phenomenally bad choices for yourself, then maybe whether of not you get married again isn't your biggest problem in life.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #20 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:57 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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It's just not necessary.
There are still a handful of reasons why it can be necessary. When working overseas with a work visa status, a girlfriend or boyfriend would usually not be able to have a dependent visa status. They would have to travel as a regular visitor which lessens the amount of time they can stay in the the foreign country.

Domestically, if you're not married, it is more difficult for a gf or bf to receive an inheritance or to be able to make end of life decisions.
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post #21 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 04:18 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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It may well have taken me two failed marriages, both ending from wifely infidelity, but I think that I may have richly learned my lesson!
What is really the lesson to be learned? Not to get married or not to emotionally invest in another relationship?
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post #22 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 04:30 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

We are both divorced after long first marriages, and we both have every reason not to trust again and to have been left bitter and declaring 'I am never going to get married again'.

For us though, marriage is vital. Neither of us would live together, its not the same by any means. Marriage is a fully committed relationship where we promise to be faithful and to support the other no matter what. I would rather be single than live with someone, If a guy cant be bothered to marry me, then I cant be bothered to live with him.

I love marriage, I love being married. Its a great invention. People who live together are far far more likely to break up, as are those who live together before marriage.
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post #23 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 04:31 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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That's what I would want but I'm not convinced that it's out there. I guess that's mainly due to the fact I also chose very unwisely and would scared of doing the same thing again.
I had that concern, and my wife definitely had that fear. Time and consistency in our relationship put those to rest. Yes, it exists, and we found it: "... someone to share my life with, to make memories with, someone to wake up next to every day and fall asleep in their arms every night. The one person who actually gets me, and who maybe understands me better than I do myself. Someone who thinks I'm worth the trouble, worth the work, and worth the risk. To belong with someone."

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #24 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 04:37 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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I had that concern, and my wife definitely had that fear. Time and consistency in our relationship put those to rest. Yes, it exists, and we found it: "... someone to share my life with, to make memories with, someone to wake up next to every day and fall asleep in their arms every night. The one person who actually gets me, and who maybe understands me better than I do myself. Someone who thinks I'm worth the trouble, worth the work, and worth the risk. To belong with someone."
So pleased for you, we also have a great marriage. We were both divorced after long first marriages. I was a single mum for 6 years before I met and married my now husband of 11 years.We have to make that decision to trust again and not let the past rob us of the future.
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post #25 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 05:18 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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There are still a handful of reasons why it can be necessary. When working overseas with a work visa status, a girlfriend or boyfriend would usually not be able to have a dependent visa status. They would have to travel as a regular visitor which lessens the amount of time they can stay in the the foreign country.
Ok, there are a "handful" of reasons why marriage might be beneficial. Working overseas with a work visa, social security benefits for the lesser monied spouse, and possibly immediate access to health insurance benefits or a military pension.

That's still a very small percentage of people for whom marriage is a benefit.

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Domestically, if you're not married, it is more difficult for a gf or bf to receive an inheritance or to be able to make end of life decisions.
@Steve1000 This is completely untrue. It's called making a will and also giving your gf or bf power of attorney and referring to them as the sole decision maker in your healthcare proxy. Do you know how many parents are estranged from their children or siblings and therefore exclude them from their inheritance? It happens all the time.

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I might be as careful as I can be, get married a second time, and it could still crash and burn. If that happens, then I probably won't get married again! But the emotional and psychological benefits that can come from a committed, healthy relationship... I'm not going to close myself off from that possibility. I'm not going to limit myself and close myself off from living a complete life.
You make the mistake of assuming that being married to a person somehow gives them a committed, healthy, complete life together that you cannot get from an exclusive committed relationship.

I think it's obvious from the divorce rates and the vast number of stories on this website that exchanging rings and vows and signing a marriage license does not make things any better or more secure or more fulfilling.


Last edited by browser; 01-23-2017 at 05:23 PM.
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post #26 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 05:48 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

After I was first divorced, I never thought to marry again. I spent several years healing, dating, and I realized that I did want to be married again. I was lucky that I found my husband when I did. I don't regret getting married again, I am exceedingly glad that I did and not a day has gone by without feeling like we were both given a second chance. We both came into the relationship having been married once before, having learned many lessons about what we both wanted for the future, and having the good sense not to want to change each other, but just accept each other as we are.

Some are fine without marriage and prefer to stay in a long-term relationship. We knew what we both wanted and we went into the marriage gladly.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #27 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 06:27 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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You make the mistake of assuming that being married to a person somehow gives them a committed, healthy, complete life together that you cannot get from an exclusive committed relationship.

I think it's obvious from the divorce rates and the vast number of stories on this website that exchanging rings and vows and signing a marriage license does not make things any better or more secure or more fulfilling.
You missed the main point: you can have that if you are married to THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU. If you marry just anybody, without taking into consideration their emotional health and other fundamental compatibility issues, it's probably gonna suck and you're not going to get any benefits.

And you can't use TAM as a sample size foe your argument. People don't seek out advice when they have happy, successful marriages. People come here because their marriages suck and they need help (save for the few glowing examples who somehow ended up here without big problems, and those who came here because of problems in their first marriage and stayed and who are now in happy relationships). There are a significant number of bitter people on TAM, and they like it because there are other bitter people they can commiserate with.

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post #28 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 07:09 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

I won't say I will never get remarried again but it will be very different than the last one for sure. Prenups, hard boundaries, and most of all accountability.

I am a relationship guy and love my GF. I make no illusion though that she can leave anytime she wants. I once thought that the difference between our realtionship and a married one is the married one does have an obligation to stay together and to fight to get through things. What I learned the hard way is it doesn't actually function any differently then just a cohabitation. Spouses can leave any time they want for any reason they want. The one big difference now is yes my GF can leave but she can't take my house, kids, car, pension, savings, family heirlooms. You do risk most all that with a marriage so it's a huge gamble.
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post #29 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 07:21 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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What is really the lesson to be learned? Not to get married or not to emotionally invest in another relationship?
Yes.
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post #30 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:58 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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You missed the main point: you can have that if you are married to THE RIGHT PERSON FOR YOU. If you marry just anybody, without taking into consideration their emotional health and other fundamental compatibility issues, it's probably gonna suck and you're not going to get any benefits.
You missed my point. You can have all of the benefits without locking yourself into a legal contract that will often require lots of money, and attorneys and courts in order to get out of. Lots of people get married to someone they think they know, and it still goes south 1 yr or 10 years or 20 years down the line because either they were bait and switched or things just got stale or they grew apart or they ran into conflicts they thought they could handle.

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And you can't use TAM as a sample size foe your argument. People don't seek out advice when they have happy, successful marriages.
I'm really not using TAM as a sample size. I'm referring to the divorce rate which exceeds 50% around the world.

I refer to TAM because there are numerous threads written by people who think they knew the person they were marrying and they took their time in many case and STILL got screwed in the end by someone who either had undisclosed mental disorders or a propensity to cheat or to gamble away all their money or drink themselves under the table.

Sometimes all the research and clarity in the world just doesn't do it but one things for sure. If things go south, if you're not married it's much easier to extricate and getting married does nothing to your advantage except perhaps in the cases mentioned above including access to social security, military pensions or some sort of overseas work Visa that allows the couple to stay there longer.
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