Relationships and remarrying - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #31 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 09:05 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

Ha. I thought I'd never get married again, but a little over year after separation, I just spent $9k on a ring. Why? Because she wants the commitment due to our kids and I'm OK with that. I'd much rather call her my wife than girlfriend. The thought of her with someone else and not with me makes me ill. If it doesn't work out 5-20 years from now, we'll split and go our own way. No biggie. But I'm pretty sure I found someone I can grow old with and not have any regrets. I don't believe in soulmates, just someone that loves you for who you are. I'm freakn' excited to propose to her and start our new journey. This experience is 300% different than my first proposal/engagement/marriage. I don't think people should get married until 30+. Amazing what you learn as you get a little older and out into the real world.

Oh, if anyone is looking at rings. Don't even bother except for jamesallen dot com. I saved over $3-5K for a similar diamond at a local store.

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post #32 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 09:09 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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she wants the commitment and I'm OK with that. I'd much rather call her my wife than girlfriend. If it doesn't work out 10-20 years from now, we'll split and go our own way. No biggie.
Unless you've got a lot more income and assets then you apparently do right now. Especially if you make a lot more than she does.

You think she'll just let you walk away unscathed? No sir, if you're making considerably more than she is, you'll be paying her support for years to come, and giving her half of everything.

Now if she's the one with the money, then go for it, you're not taking any risk. But since she's the one who wants the commitment I'm going to wager a guess she's looking at you for financial security.

Remember when you met and married your first wife you felt EXACTLY the same way. Yeah I know there were red flags that you "should have seen" but you didn't until things started falling apart. And now you're an expert red flag spotter and you can't possibly make that same mistake again.
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post #33 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 09:13 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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Why get married again?
Everyone should think like you do. Do not get married until someone is too perfect for you to let go.

I'm as deep as a puddle. Holland.

Last edited by Thundarr; 01-23-2017 at 09:30 PM.
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post #34 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 09:16 PM
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Everyone should think your way. Don't get married until you cannot come up with a reason not to.
I'm having trouble wrapping my head around that triple negative.
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post #35 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 09:28 PM
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I'm having trouble wrapping my head around that triple negative.
Stupid Crown Royal is messing with my grammatical skills. OP, do not get married until you meet someone who is so right for you that you cannot find a reason not to marry her and for that matter cannot imagine growing old without her.

I'm as deep as a puddle. Holland.
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post #36 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 10:52 PM Thread Starter
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Didn't mean for this to be a debate. I was just getting things off my chest in an environment I know I won't be judged. If marriage is your jam cool. I just know for me,...this as been so traumatic for me.

Before I got married I did the check list. Even was honest with her about my fear of commitment. If any of you knew her before we were married you would have been shocked just like everyone else finding out she cheated and got pregnant by someone else. Blind sided isn't even the word for what happened.

I couldn't see being with no one else. Matter of fact I never thought about another woman...We really were best friends....EVERYONE could see how good of a fit we were. All I use to hear is how did I get so lucky. She used to be the most thoughtful sweetest woman....scratch that....the sweetest person I came across. Her true motives Didn't reveal itself until things started falling apart. She never wanted to work again....No goals at all. Wanted to put the weight of the world on my shoulders while she enjoyed life's ride.

I always said I wanted someone to build a life with me. I met her she had drive...made her own money. It was a dream.....a dream. Once I lost my job no fault of my own..and she had to work............ The "he's my friend"...."I need space" began. Not going through that again..... Believe me if you guys knew our story you would know why my feelings on marriage are out the window. 9 years wasted.....married 6 of those years.

Last edited by Richi300; 01-23-2017 at 10:59 PM.
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post #37 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 11:40 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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Originally Posted by GuyInColorado View Post
Ha. I thought I'd never get married again, but a little over year after separation, I just spent $9k on a ring. Why? Because she wants the commitment due to our kids and I'm OK with that. I'd much rather call her my wife than girlfriend. The thought of her with someone else and not with me makes me ill. If it doesn't work out 5-20 years from now, we'll split and go our own way. No biggie. But I'm pretty sure I found someone I can grow old with and not have any regrets. I don't believe in soulmates, just someone that loves you for who you are. I'm freakn' excited to propose to her and start our new journey. This experience is 300% different than my first proposal/engagement/marriage. I don't think people should get married until 30+. Amazing what you learn as you get a little older and out into the real world.

Oh, if anyone is looking at rings. Don't even bother except for jamesallen dot com. I saved over $3-5K for a similar diamond at a local store.
9K on a ring. Wow. Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop and think logically first. Give it some time to kick off the blinders (for both of you). Not sure about Colorado, but even a simple short divorce takes at least a year. You do not know what the laws are going to be, nor do you know what assets you will have at the possible time when things may start to wear thin. I didn't think I'd get divorced either.. Well, 30k - 40k in just legal fees later, I am. At least wait 2 years from engagement to actual marriage. Do not let anyone pressure you into a legal contract..
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post #38 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 07:35 AM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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I had that concern, and my wife definitely had that fear. Time and consistency in our relationship put those to rest. Yes, it exists, and we found it: "... someone to share my life with, to make memories with, someone to wake up next to every day and fall asleep in their arms every night. The one person who actually gets me, and who maybe understands me better than I do myself. Someone who thinks I'm worth the trouble, worth the work, and worth the risk. To belong with someone."
I'm glad that you were able to find that. I guess if I ever got into a situation where I had consistency in a relationship with maybe I would consider it...it would take a long time though. There has been so much damage done in my current marriage that I really don't believe in marriage anymore. I don't want to be penalized half of my finances if for whatever reason it doesn't work out. It would have to be a situation where she would lose as much as I would.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #39 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 07:41 AM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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I'm glad that you were able to find that. I guess if I ever got into a situation where I had consistency in a relationship with maybe I would consider it...it would take a long time though. There has been so much damage done in my current marriage that I really don't believe in marriage anymore. I don't want to be penalized half of my finances if for whatever reason it doesn't work out. It would have to be a situation where she would lose as much as I would.
Thank you. I can't say I disagree with you, and I had to overcome a lot of damage (mostly psychological) from my first marriage. My second wife offered me a prenup, but I decided it wasn't necessary. Most of my assets were acquired prior to marriage, and would not be divided if we ever split - it looks like that will never become a concern, though.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #40 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 08:33 AM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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Before I got married I did the check list. Even was honest with her about my fear of commitment. If any of you knew her before we were married you would have been shocked just like everyone else finding out she cheated and got pregnant by someone else.
Exactly. You just never know what someone is capable of. You don't even know what you are capable of.

Why run across a bunch of hot fireplace coals in bare feet just because there's a chance you won't get burned?

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post #41 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 08:37 AM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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9K on a ring. Wow. Please, for the love of all that is holy, stop and think logically first. Give it some time to kick off the blinders (for both of you). Not sure about Colorado, but even a simple short divorce takes at least a year. You do not know what the laws are going to be, nor do you know what assets you will have at the possible time when things may start to wear thin. I didn't think I'd get divorced either.. Well, 30k - 40k in just legal fees later, I am. At least wait 2 years from engagement to actual marriage. Do not let anyone pressure you into a legal contract..
"Quoted for truth".

Every time I read one of @GuyInColorado 's posts about how he's rushing right back into marriage- I think his first post about getting married again was around 6 months after the first marriage crashed and burned- I just shake my head.

But I get it, I really do. He's so wrapped up in lust or love or whatever, and trying desperately to patch the huge hole in his life left by the demise of marriage #1 that he's jumping into a murky pool with both feet with no clue what might be lurking just beneath the surface.

Sure there's a "chance" it could go the distance but the statistics for subsequent marriages point to about a 65% failure rate or something like that.

Why go there? Because she's pushing for it? That's a huge red flag right there.
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post #42 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 10:25 AM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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@Steve1000 This is completely untrue. It's called making a will and also giving your gf or bf power of attorney and referring to them as the sole decision maker in your healthcare proxy. Do you know how many parents are estranged from their children or siblings and therefore exclude them from their inheritance? It happens all the time.
I actually agreed with your premise that legal marriage is not usually necessary. You point that I said something "completely untrue" is a little overkill. I said that making end of life decisions can be more difficult. I have witnessed that first hand! Yes, the best way to remedy that is to have a legal document giving consent for a non-married partner to make those decisions. However, that process is sometimes unfortunately cumbersome in those situations.
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post #43 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-24-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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I make no illusion though that she can leave anytime she wants.
I think that's a good thing because you know that she is with you because she wants to be.
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post #44 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 09:17 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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I actually agreed with your premise that legal marriage is not usually necessary. You point that I said something "completely untrue" is a little overkill. I said that making end of life decisions can be more difficult. I have witnessed that first hand! Yes, the best way to remedy that is to have a legal document giving consent for a non-married partner to make those decisions. However, that process is sometimes unfortunately cumbersome in those situations.
@Steve1000

I don't know what you witnessed first hand and whats so cumbersome about preparing legal documents. I sat with my attorney for a half hour and told him what I needed, I went back a week later and signed in the presence of a handful of witnesses. My girlfriend is designated on my healthcare proxy and shes getting a third of my assets according to my will of which she is executor and it was no different setting it up that way than it would have been if we were married.

I suppose my children could challenge my will but they could do that even if I married her.
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