Relationships and remarrying - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 06:12 AM Thread Starter
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Why get married again? I've found myself asking this question alot lately. Since going through my divorce I've witnessed friends, coworkers, and acquaintances all go through divorce. On top of that, EVERYWHERE I look its being encouraged if your not happy in your relationship or the connection has faded.... leave. Find someone that will make you happy. As if love is an convenient store where you can go to the customer service desk and return your lover in for something temporarily better.

Because lets be honest....being happy is just a feeling that comes and goes. Its temporary. Thers this notion that being in a marriage/relationship if you don't have instant gratification at all times.......its over. The sun most always be shinning. We here all know it takes work to be in a committed relationship. And the type of person I am ...

Today's world standard for being in a relationship isn't for me. I can feel my old self returning to normal. I'd be damned if I let my recover be interrupted or jeopardized for someone else's love with an expiration date.


Last edited by Richi300; 01-23-2017 at 06:17 AM.
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post #2 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:03 AM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

I think you're grossly exaggerating when you say people want instant gratification at all times. Most make serious efforts to preserve their marriages, even more so than they do to preserve a friendship (and most value their friends and their spouse). However, there are many poor marriages, and many poor matches. Why shouldn't you eventually realize that living with it when you can't improve it is a bad choice?

Of course, you don't need to marry, or remarry. Married relationships can be great, but I think that the marriage part is optional. Either commitment exists - or it doesn't. And you can't take it for granted. The reason for marriage, IMO, is primarily the legal benefits and conveniences that it provides

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #3 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:33 AM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

There is no logical or reasonable reason to get married, the first time or subsequent times.

Marriage is an outdated, failed, over rated concept.

People say "It's a higher level of commitment".

No, it's just a relationship with a legal entanglement that requires lawyers and judges to get out of when things go south, which they do, more often than not.

I will never understand why people get married again after their first marriage failed. You know, the one where you thought you'd be together forever, until of course, you weren't.

You know what they say about the definition of insanity "doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results".

I'm happily involved with my girlfriend of 5 years, living together for half of that time, and neither one of us has any plans to remarry even though we have no reason to think this time it won't go the distance. It's just not necessary.

Last edited by browser; 01-24-2017 at 08:38 AM.
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post #4 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 08:58 AM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

Like everything in life there are pros and cons. I guess if the pros of marriage outweighed the cons, I'd consider it. But at this point I'm with you, it just doesn't offer enough benefits to make it worth it. I can get love, companionship, and sex without marriage and I don't need anyone to provide financial security for me. The financial, emotional, and social cost of divorce is quite high and I think greatly outweigh the benefits.
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post #5 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 09:32 AM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

What pro is there to marriage that you cannot get with an exclusive committed relationship?

I can't think of even one.

Even health insurance can be obtained if you register as domestic partners.
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post #6 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 09:53 AM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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Originally Posted by browser View Post
What pro is there to marriage that you cannot get with an exclusive committed relationship?

I can't think of even one.

Even health insurance can be obtained if you register as domestic partners.
Well, not quite. My former company required you to be living together for two years before they would provide benefits for domestic partners. Marriage would solve that immediately. This mattered to me, because if I'd waited, my gf (now wife) would probably have died because we couldn't afford the care she needed out of pocket and she couldn't get insurance due to pre-existing conditions. Now, things are different under Obamacare - but may change again under the new administration.

Most other things that marriage provides can be duplicated by legal agreements - power of attorney, medical power of attorney, wills, trusts, etc. However, if you earn significantly different amounts, your Social Security retirement and disability payments will be quite different, but after being married for 10 years, the lower earning spouse can often get significantly higher benefits than they'd get on their own earnings record. Some corporate/civil pensions provided to a survivor spouse may also depend on marital status.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #7 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 02:53 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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Originally Posted by Married but Happy View Post
Well, not quite. My former company required you to be living together for two years before they would provide benefits for domestic partners. Marriage would solve that immediately.

Social Security retirement and disability payments will be quite different, but after being married for 10 years, the lower earning spouse can often get significantly higher benefits than they'd get on their own earnings record. Some corporate/civil pensions provided to a survivor spouse may also depend on marital status.
Ok, you have made some valid points. There may be a benefit to being married depending on your company's policy on health insurance and pensions; and also social security payments for the lesser monied spouse. Although if you're going to marry a person who makes less than you do or who doesn't earn any income then it's REALLY a foolish decision for so many other reasons.
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post #8 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
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Its way too easy to get a divorce these days. I've really been considering whenever I'm ready to date.....I think rather stay in a committed relationship. No marriage involved......Someone mentioned how all the lawyers and everybody in between get the reward for marriages not working. I have never agreed more. But for now I'm going to focus on myself. Getting married again for me is out the question. So many cons.....the only pro.....the financial perks for doing so. At this point....its not worth it.
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post #9 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:02 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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Originally Posted by Richi300 View Post
Why get married again? I've found myself asking this question alot lately. Since going through my divorce I've witnessed friends, coworkers, and acquaintances all go through divorce. On top of that, EVERYWHERE I look its being encouraged if your not happy in your relationship or the connection has faded.... leave. Find someone that will make you happy. As if love is an convenient store where you can go to the customer service desk and return your lover in for something temporarily better.

Because lets be honest....being happy is just a feeling that comes and goes. Its temporary. Thers this notion that being in a marriage/relationship if you don't have instant gratification at all times.......its over. The sun most always be shinning. We here all know it takes work to be in a committed relationship. And the type of person I am ...

Today's world standard for being in a relationship isn't for me. I can feel my old self returning to normal. I'd be damned if I let my recover be interrupted or jeopardized for someone else's love with an expiration date.
Only you will make you happy. It does not take another to make you happy.

You may think what you have written above today is true but tomorrow could be a whole different story.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #10 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:12 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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Originally Posted by browser View Post
Ok, you have made some valid points. There may be a benefit to being married depending on your company's policy on health insurance and pensions; and also social security payments for the lesser monied spouse. Although if you're going to marry a person who makes less than you do or who doesn't earn any income then it's REALLY a foolish decision for so many other reasons.
Well, it can be. But not always. I do think that it is risky to marry someone with a significantly lower income, but sometimes the risk is worthwhile or at least acceptable. Of course, you can't really be certain until you're dead or the relationship has ended!

As for benefits, there can also be tax advantages in some cases.


Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #11 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

I've contemplated this topic for a long time since I'm reasonably sure that I will be divorced at some point. I think that I really wouldn't be able to trust anyone again with everything so they could conveniently take their half and leave. Since divorce is so common these days it's really no big deal for someone to just get divorced if they happen to be unhappy for a couple of days.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #12 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:17 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

I would like to get married again, but I'm not in any rush to do so. My failed marriage wasn't the fault of the institution; my marriage failed because I made a poor choice in a mate. I still believe in marriage, and I've seen many successful second marriages, so I believe that it's possible. I've also seen unsuccessful second marriages. The difference that I see between the two is in the former group, both partners learned from the mistakes they made in their first marriage, and they work to ensure they don't repeat those mistakes; in the latter group, I see one or both partners making the same mistakes repeatedly, and not learning from them.

Aside from the legal benefits that @Married but Happy mentions, I want someone to share my life with, to make memories with, someone to wake up next to every day and fall asleep in his arms every night. The one person who actually gets me, and who maybe understands me better than I do myself. Someone who thinks I'm worth the trouble, worth the work, and worth the risk. To belong with someone.

You can get some of that with a "exclusive committed relationship," yes, but without the commitment of marriage... it's like the one person always has one foot out the door. Which means that I am forced to experience the relationship with one of my feet out the door as well. An "exclusive committed relationship" simply isn't the same. Because when I commit, I do it for real and I am serious, and if I'm willing to do that for someone, I would hope that he feels the same.

It's like, are you the ham or the eggs? The pig or the chicken?


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

Last edited by FeministInPink; 01-23-2017 at 03:28 PM.
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post #13 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:24 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

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Its way too easy to get a divorce these days.

Not if you've got money and minor children.

Unless it's one of those extremely rare situations where both parties agree to everything.
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post #14 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:26 PM
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Re: Relationships and remarrying

I know one thing and one thing only, I haven't learned my lesson after two divorces. YOLO!
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post #15 of 44 (permalink) Old 01-23-2017, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Richi300 View Post
Why get married again? I've found myself asking this question alot lately. Since going through my divorce I've witnessed friends, coworkers, and acquaintances all go through divorce. On top of that, EVERYWHERE I look its being encouraged if your not happy in your relationship or the connection has faded.... leave. Find someone that will make you happy. As if love is an convenient store where you can go to the customer service desk and return your lover in for something temporarily better.

Because lets be honest....being happy is just a feeling that comes and goes. Its temporary. Thers this notion that being in a marriage/relationship if you don't have instant gratification at all times.......its over. The sun most always be shinning. We here all know it takes work to be in a committed relationship. And the type of person I am ...

Today's world standard for being in a relationship isn't for me. I can feel my old self returning to normal. I'd be damned if I let my recover be interrupted or jeopardized for someone else's love with an expiration date.
Only you will make you happy. It does not take another to make you happy.

You may think what you have written above today is true but tomorrow could be a whole different story.
When I referred to being "happy". That's the excuse that majority of these indecisive selfish scrum bags use... "Not happy". Wasn't talking about myself... we all realize you can only make yourself happy but its another thing to open yourself up to another person by getting married. All I'm saying is there's no point to get married..and that's just speaking for myself. A marriage not working out is way devastating than just being in a relationship. Both hurt but vows or promises made in a marriage will creep up on you leaving you vunerable to extreme pain. I just rather not get married again.
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