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Is it ever ok to hide a pregnancy/child?

3K views 22 replies 18 participants last post by  NextTimeAround 
#1 ·
I was married to my husband for 3 years, we are legally divorced now. He left the marriage for another woman and he is now living with her and she is pregnant. While we were married he knocked up another woman who has his child. Two weeks ago I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I have never had sex with anyone other than him so I know it is his child. While we were separated we had sex once, which was a mistake. He wants nothing to do with me and the divorce was a mess. He left for another woman... I don't want him in my life at all and this baby would be far better without him. I intended to move back home, from the west coast to the east coast. He wouldn't find out.

I'm not just thinking about this for me. He would be a terrible father. He is totally absent from his other child's life. Is it ever ok to keep a pregnancy from the father?
 
#2 ·
Your child does deserve his financial support whether he is in that child's life or not.

Hope he has a good job, he'll be doing this thrice.
 
#4 ·
If you don't tell him, you are running a risk that he may try to take that child away from you in the future, or that he will demand parental rights. He would eventually finding out, that is just how luck works.

If he wants nothing to do with you, he should have no problem signing a legal document abdicating his parental rights, assuming you will sign a reciprocal document saying that you will never request child support.

I would urge you to consult a (family law) lawyer before doing anything.
 
#10 ·
Why do you assume that you're going to pay for her kid?

It's 2017 tons of women can financially take care of their children.

Op, I agree with @FeministInPink.

Consult a lawyer and see if he can sign his rights away.



-Miss Independent (formally known as Spinster)


I didn't assume. I asked her. Did you even read what i wrote?

And the "us" includes OP.
 
#14 ·
I don't want him in my life at all and this baby would be far better without him. I intended to move back home, from the west coast to the east coast. He wouldn't find out.

I'm not just thinking about this for me. He would be a terrible father. He is totally absent from his other child's life. Is it ever ok to keep a pregnancy from the father?
No, it is never OK to keep the pregnancy from a father resulting from consensual sex. It is troubling to me that the answer is not obvious. I recently saw a show on TLC where the father (who thought he'd never had a biological child), was found by his daughter when he was an old man. It was so sad that he was robbed of that experience.

A woman recently was found to have kidnapped a baby from a hospital and raised the child as her own. At age 18, the child discovered the truth and seems to have little interest in a relationship with her biological parents. The woman is in prison. The biological mother and father were deprived of their child and the opportunity to have the life enrich their own. Here you are basically considering the same thing -- kidnapping. Honestly, in my opinion, a woman that knows who the father is and fails to notify that father of a pregnancy and birth is guilty of kidnapping. I have never heard of it being enforced legally, but it is certainly kidnapping from a moral perspective. And the insidious nature of taking advantage of the fact that the man may never know, disgusts me. Sorry, but you need to be an adult and live with the consequences of your action. You had sex with him and both of you are responsible for this outcome. You should have taken the morning after pill if you didn't want to get pregnant. That would have prevented ovulation and side-stepped the whole thing. But, you let him cum inside you, knowing you were not on birth control, knowing you were divorcing, and then you let it happen. Then you have the nerve to think you can kidnap the baby? Wow.

Before the advent of genetic testing, women could claim that they didn't know the father and there was no way to prove it one way or the other. But today, we can determine who the father is, and IMO, it should be criminal for a parent to knowingly deprive another parent of their rights to be a parent. IMO, the laws should be updated to reflect that.

Oh, and it's not your choice to decide if he is an adequate father. Your opinion is not exactly unbiased. That is for a family court to determine.
 
#15 ·
I was married to my husband for 3 years, we are legally divorced now. He left the marriage for another woman and he is now living with her and she is pregnant. While we were married he knocked up another woman who has his child. Two weeks ago I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I have never had sex with anyone other than him so I know it is his child. While we were separated we had sex once, which was a mistake. He wants nothing to do with me and the divorce was a mess. He left for another woman... I don't want him in my life at all and this baby would be far better without him. I intended to move back home, from the west coast to the east coast. He wouldn't find out.

I'm not just thinking about this for me. He would be a terrible father. He is totally absent from his other child's life. Is it ever ok to keep a pregnancy from the father?
Can you provide any examples that will back up this assertion?

When the child asks you who/where his father is.....How do you plan to answer? It's gonna come up. I was raised without my mother....I was warned, repeatedly, about her behavior....I didn't listen....found her myself. It really really sucked....

Just some things to consider....
 
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#16 ·
Is it ever okay? This is like asking "is it ever okay to take a person's life?" It's obvious that the answer will be yes, but the fact that the answer is yes does not mean that the "yes" is extended to your situation.

Without knowing what, other than his cheating on you, would make him unworthy of ever seeing his son/daughter, the default would be "no". Because in general it is wrong, but in specific, it may not be.

Did he beat you regularly? Was he horribly abusive? Does he have a history of abusing children? Without knowledge of the circumstances, it would be unethical to tell you to proceed with this line of action.
 
#18 ·
Based on the situation as you have described it, no. If he was physically abusive, then maybe yes. If the sex was non consensual maybe yes.

If he's as useless as you describe him to be, he'll probably decide he doesn't want anything to do with the child anyway, just like my deadbeat STBX who abandoned his child at 2 months old.

You and your baby deserve child support though.

Tell you what though. If you tell him about the pregnancy and he shows no interest in the baby, (or pushes you to have an abortion), seriously consider not putting his name on the birth certificate. It's a nightmare trying to do things without the approval of the absentee parent. If he pulls a disappearing act, you'll have one hell of a time doing things as basic as getting your child a passport if you want to visit Canada someday. BTDT. It's not fun. I had to go to court just to get my son a passport because I couldn't find my STBX to sign the necessary paperwork. And file for 100% legal and physical custody as soon after the birth as you possibly can.
 
#22 · (Edited)
One day your kid will want to know. So eventually he/she will find out, or do you also intend to lie to the child about his/her parentage as well. Lies create lies, better to live your life authentically. Plus why not get some money out of the deal, if you can, you and your kid could use it.
 
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