You should always fold a "Why?" - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 01:18 AM Thread Starter
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You should always fold a "Why?"

After going through a divorce and separation, I find myself pondering what was and what could have been. Usually not a good game to play, but it's 2am and I've got the flu.

Anyway, I find that most people betrayed by theirgq spouses feel very unfulfilled. Lalalalala, I was living my life and wham, punch to the gut. Ok, things are over now, finances separated, kids schedule worked out...now that everything has settled down...you ponder "Why?". Maybe it isn't at this point. I am sure it had come up various times through the emotional trauma, but now your mind is somewhat at ease and you really want to know why. Why is a suckers bet. It's fools gold and you should ALWAYS fold a Why. What do I mean by fold, well, I'll explain it.

"Why" is like a hand that cannot win in Texas Hold 'Em. If you don't know TH or poker, it won't matter cause I'll do a masterful job of illustrating my point. As far as I can tell, there are 4 viable answers to the question "Why?" When posed to your ex. Imagine you are playing Hold Em with 5 friends. The cards are dealt and you have one of the following answers of "Why?" In your hand.

Answer 1: What? What are you talking about?

This answer is equivalent to a 2-7 off suit. What? Really, you dealt me that garbage? You won't even acknowledge my question appropriately? Thanks for making me look pathetic. That's what you get when you stay in with a 2-7 off suit.

Answer 2: Their version of the truth. I did it because you weren't there for me, or your parents, or you are controlling or...you get the point.

This is equivalent to a 5-9 suited. Look, all I need are 3 gut shot cards and I have a chance for a flush. This hand rarely wins. You got garbage back from your spouse, stuff you already knew was wrong or overblown and it does nothing for you with respect to winning the WSOP bracelet.

Answer 3: The truthiness, but where you are the bad guy. Well, you always were playing video games, out with your bros, watching porn...

This answer is like a K-5 off suit. Man, it looks so tastey and that king could match up on the board, but your low kicker and bad odds do nothing for you. This is because you already know all this stuff. You know you ****ed up. You know you need to get better, but you were just hoping that maybe, just maybe that K paired on the flip and the 5 on the river. Yeah, not going to happen.

Answer 4: The real truth. I don't know, I ****ed up and I'll regret it every day of my life.

Wow, this is like gold in your hands. That A-6 suited or 7-7 (this has two that are similar). These are often the worst possible hands in poker. Why? Because they keep you in long enough, tantalizing you, making you think the big payoff will come on the river, and they are almost always second best. And in poker, second best is a loss. And second best can often mean an All-In bet where you lose everything. You think it is great, but really, it's just reality. They realized that they ****ed up, but it doesn't change why or who they are. It's fools gold.

All 4 of those answers are losers. There is no winner. There is no answer to "Why?" That results in pocket aces. Can you possibly still win? Absolutely. But now that the odds are against you and you'll likely get nothing that you were hoping for. Fold all of those hands and move on to a real winner.

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 02:58 AM
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Re: You should always fold a "Why?"

As someone who used to play a lot of poker before marriage, and who plans on guys poker nights becoming a thing again. I loved this analogy, it's so true. I've lost so many hands of single pair or one high card lol.

It's not the answer that's important, it is learning how to find the answer yourself that matters.


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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 06:22 AM
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You should always fold a "Why?"

Sorry you are feeling down H.

Did W ever regret her actions?
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 07:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: You should always fold a "Why?"

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Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
Sorry you are feeling down H.

Did W ever regret her actions?
This wasn't based on me feeling down, sick maybe, but not down. It's just that I have dealt with wanting to ask why, not just to her, but my first ex as well. I can't fathom an answer that would make me feel better or would change anything that's going on. I like making metaphors too.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 08:26 AM
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Re: You should always fold a "Why?"

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Originally Posted by Herschel View Post
This wasn't based on me feeling down, sick maybe, but not down. It's just that I have dealt with wanting to ask why, not just to her, but my first ex as well. I can't fathom an answer that would make me feel better or would change anything that's going on. I like making metaphors too.
Metaphors bring out hidden understanding, which makes them so useful in communication.

Individuals ask "why", but it is rarely a real question. In fact, many people insert question marks at the end of what can only be described as an accusation or insult, meaning that it is not really meant to be answered. One of the communication strategies I advise is for one to question the intent behind their message before it is delivered. Many times, an individual will ask "why" as a means of getting something from their partner, like change, which makes it a form of reasoning backed by a question mark. There is a foundational flaw in this logic, because it assumes that others either agree to objective truths or agree to our subjective reality (mind map).

Definitely do ask that question, but also try to answer it, with the understanding that you may not like the answer. In fact, the answer could be as simple as your ex refusing to behave appropriately. In their mind map, you could be the villain, even though you used expert advice without flaw. At the same time, do try to figure out your contribution to the dysfunction, regardless of whether you shoulder 90% of the blame or just 10%.

When I think of logic and critical thinking, I quickly realize how often humans think and act irrationally.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 10:47 AM
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Re: You should always fold a "Why?"

I don't think it's bad to ask "why" as long as there is a purpose to it. It is part of the self reflection that can lead to growth. I have come to the conclusion that the "why" in my situation was because my XWW had low self esteem, liked attention, and thought she could get away with it. After the why came the "what" could I learn from the situation and "how" could I make this a positive stepping stone for my life. I think all the questions can be beneficial, just as easily as detrimental. It all depends on how you tend to self reflect. I tend to suffer from illogically high self esteem coupled with a strongly positive outlook on life, so other people's actions seem to not be bothersome for me very long, and I can usually turn a negative situation into a beneficial one in my mind.

Herschel, since you're in NJ and you have good delis around, send someone out to pick up some matzoh ball soup for you. Trust me on this...the flu won't know what hit it.
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