When your ex calls you - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:19 PM Thread Starter
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During New years my ex tried opening up a line of communication via email which I ignored. She also sent another email a week ago saying how sorry she was for everything.... again. I wonder sometimes if there is a cynical force out there pulling the strings laughing at us. I mean I get it but really....why now? Why wait until I'm good with the thought of moving on? Anyways.......

Last night I received a phone call from a restricted number. I usually don't answer unknown numbers but with it being so late I thought someone in my family my be in trouble.....as you can guess it was my ex. Come to find out......my mother gave her my number. I was pissed...I wanted to hang up but I didnt. To be completely honest it was good to hear her voice. At the same time I didn't want to give her the wrong impression... So I told her to say what she had to and that after the phone call was over that I would be changing my number. Now to paraphrase...
She explained to me why she stepped out on our marriage, how she attempted suicide after losing her baby, me, and finding out the babies father wasn't who he patrayed himself to be.

I did my best to be clear and direct with her. Explaining to her that I forgave her (which isn't really true) and taking her life was not the answer. Long story short I told her I know your hurting but it would never be the same between us. That she needed to work on herself and wait for a man that she could start over right with.

Crazy how the tables turned. And I don't feel vindicated about it. She said she understood my postion but I'm not sure if she actually does. I wanted to tell her how bad she hurt me but choice to take the "high road". Im little pissed off though..I gave her a possible chance for closure when I wasn't given that same opportunity. I'm ready to move on....but at the same time I wanted to stop her and say come home we will figure things out. Deep slow breathes were taken the whole conversation. I want to say I retrieved my power back but it doesn't feel that way.

At the end it sounded like she wanted to say I love you but said thank you instead. And now looking back on it I'm glad she didn't because everything I said during the conversation woulda been null in void because I think I woulda of said it back. Between us I still do love her very much but I know it would never be the same and its time to move on. Now I have to call my mother and find out what the hell.


Last edited by Richi300; 01-26-2017 at 12:26 PM.
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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:25 PM
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Re: When your ex calls you

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So I told her to say what she had to and that after the phone call was over that I would be changing my number. Now to paraphrase...

She explained to me why she stepped out on our marriage, how she attempted suicide after losing her baby, me, and finding out the babies father wasn't who he patrayed himself to be.

I did my best to be clear and direct with her. Explaining to her that I forgave her (which isn't really true) and taking her life was not the answer. Long story short I told her I know your hurting but it would never be the same between us. That she needed to work on herself and wait for a man that she could start over right with.
Sounds like you should be offering advice rather than asking for it.

You handled it very well. Good man.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:30 PM
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Re: When your ex calls you

And it's time for a come-to-Jesus with your mother. What on earth was she thinking, to give your ex your new phone number?

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:35 PM
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Re: When your ex calls you

This sounds like a very hard issue to deal with. Not knowing how much time has passed since all the relevant events happened, it would be difficult to offer too much in the way of an opinion. However, it sounds like you definitely need boundaries and very little contact from her right now. Maybe down the road things will change between you and her, maybe they won't, but I definitely think you are making good choices in the present, which is all you can do in life.
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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:39 PM Thread Starter
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And it's time for a come-to-Jesus with your mother. What on earth was she thinking, to give your ex your new phone number?
I'm still trying to figure out when to call my mother,.....smh..... Our last conversation she tried telling me marragies go through these kind of hardships.....LIKE WHAT! She loves my ex more than her own son! Lololol.
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:42 PM Thread Starter
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This sounds like a very hard issue to deal with. Not knowing how much time has passed since all the relevant events happened, it would be difficult to offer too much in the way of an opinion. However, it sounds like you definitely need boundaries and very little contact from her right now. Maybe down the road things will change between you and her, maybe they won't, but I definitely think you are making good choices in the present, which is all you can do in life.
Some know my story but we were separated for three years newly divorced the end of last year. Everything started going down hill for her around the same time during the divorce proceedings.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:48 PM
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Re: When your ex calls you

Man I have been there. My mother gave my number to my XGF/fiance( I was engaged to. She cheated. We split.) The call came about 5 years of not hearing from her or heard anything about her. It was a completely dead part of my life and long since buried. At this juncture I was engaged and my wedding date was set. The idiotic X calls 2 days before my wedding. WTF?? My current fiance answers the phone. I could have killed my mother for providing my number. I'm still of mind my mother was trying ruin my wedding as she never really took a liking to my W. My mother knew what occurred 5 years prior. Wretched person caught with OM by me. My mom hands over my number. Anyway, I was short with my answers. I ask no questions. In under a minute I was off the phone. Next day I get to work and my coworker said a lady named (Xfiance) called and said she was sorry.

What the hell. I guess it made her feel better and cleared her conscience.


I do know this, after what occurred with me, my X went from guy to guy. Got married. Had two kids. Married. Divorced. Probably kept up with the sleeping around is my guess.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 12:50 PM
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Re: When your ex calls you

I, lot of times, I have seen ex's of some of my friends come crawling back once they've spent all the money in the divorce settlement and the grass the other side of the hill wasn't as green as they thought it would be. They try to make you sorry for leaving when they were the one who had an affair or insisted that you leave. Good move to change your number right after she called you. You don't need her back in your life. She's the one who killed your marriage.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 01:31 PM
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Re: When your ex calls you

@Richi300 (and ditto to @Yeswecan) I can't believe that your mother gave out your number like that! For all the negative things about my mom that I put out here on TAM, I will say this: there is no way in hell that my mom would give my phone number to ANYONE save for immediate family. If anyone else is looking for me, she'll take a message, and I might get it eventually, but she is way protective of my privacy. And if my XH called her to try to find me (not that it would happen, I've had the same phone number and email address for over a decade, and they're not changing, like ever), she would lay into him and rip him a new a$$hole before he had a chance to mutter a few sentences. She's not a great parent, but I do have to give her credit where credit is due.

If my mother did what your mom did, I would be calling her up (from a blocked number) and saying, "I had to get a new number because you gave my old number to my crazy XW. Given that you have shown me that I cannot trust you not to distribute my contact information, I will not be giving you my new phone number either, until you have re-earned my trust." Show her there are consequences to her actions.

With the new number, be selective about who you give it to, and give them explicit instructions not to give this new number to ANYONE, NOT EVEN YOUR MOTHER. (You can tell them the story, or not. I would be telling fvcking everyone, but that's just me! You can also just say that "someone" gave out your old number to your crazy XW, and you don't want that happening again, so you are only giving the new number to people you trust to abide by your wishes and not give it out... so if someone asks because they don't have it already, that means you didn't trust them enough to give it.)

Regarding the initial call from the XW, you were quite kind and civil. I think you handled that much better than most other people would. Way to stay strong and logical, because it's obvious that she was testing the waters. If she calls again, you may have to cut her off and tell her there's nothing else to say, and ask her not to contact you again.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 01:43 PM
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Re: When your ex calls you

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Originally Posted by Richi300 View Post
I'm still trying to figure out when to call my mother,.....smh..... Our last conversation she tried telling me marragies go through these kind of hardships.....LIKE WHAT! She loves my ex more than her own son! Lololol.
Ha! She sounds like a friend of mine's mom. Mrs. Wilson is old-school Catholic. She still talks about her daughter's five year old divorce like it's a rough patch that they'll eventually work through....


You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:02 PM
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Re: When your ex calls you

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Ha! She sounds like a friend of mine's mom. Mrs. Wilson is old-school Catholic. She still talks about her daughter's five year old divorce like it's a rough patch that they'll eventually work through....
Oy. My grandmother occassionally asks how my XH is, but I can't really get upset with her because she's getting senile and has problems remembering anything anymore. She's begun mixing up her grandkids, so the fact that she remembers that I was married is actually kind of an accomplishment.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:12 PM
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Re: When your ex calls you

Don't think I'd be giving the new number to my mother.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:20 PM
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Re: When your ex calls you

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During New years my ex tried opening up a line of communication via email which I ignored. She also sent another email a week ago saying how sorry she was for everything.... again. I wonder sometimes if there is a cynical force out there pulling the strings laughing at us. I mean I get it but really....why now? Why wait until I'm good with the thought of moving on? Anyways.......

Last night I received a phone call from a restricted number. I usually don't answer unknown numbers but with it being so late I thought someone in my family my be in trouble.....as you can guess it was my ex. Come to find out......my mother gave her my number. I was pissed...I wanted to hang up but I didnt. To be completely honest it was good to hear her voice. At the same time I didn't want to give her the wrong impression... So I told her to say what she had to and that after the phone call was over that I would be changing my number. Now to paraphrase...
She explained to me why she stepped out on our marriage, how she attempted suicide after losing her baby, me, and finding out the babies father wasn't who he patrayed himself to be.

I did my best to be clear and direct with her. Explaining to her that I forgave her (which isn't really true) and taking her life was not the answer. Long story short I told her I know your hurting but it would never be the same between us. That she needed to work on herself and wait for a man that she could start over right with.

Crazy how the tables turned. And I don't feel vindicated about it. She said she understood my postion but I'm not sure if she actually does. I wanted to tell her how bad she hurt me but choice to take the "high road". Im little pissed off though..I gave her a possible chance for closure when I wasn't given that same opportunity. I'm ready to move on....but at the same time I wanted to stop her and say come home we will figure things out. Deep slow breathes were taken the whole conversation. I want to say I retrieved my power back but it doesn't feel that way.

At the end it sounded like she wanted to say I love you but said thank you instead. And now looking back on it I'm glad she didn't because everything I said during the conversation woulda been null in void because I think I woulda of said it back. Between us I still do love her very much but I know it would never be the same and its time to move on. Now I have to call my mother and find out what the hell.
Let's look at this situation with some clarity. This is a woman who had an affair and a failed pregnancy with the AP? The level of total disrespect and lack of human decency is really astounding to most people who are not very broken. Could you live with that, could you be such a bad person? With the kind of hurt that would cause. Now with that being said is it any surprise she is calling to try to make herself feel better? Let's just say she still doesn't get the hurt she caused you, is still selfish and shame is not in her wheelhouse. She really is no different than she was, her actions are always me, me, me. She is a badly broken person who you had the unfortunate luck of being tricked into getting involved with because she kept her demons hidden. That is how you need to look at it. Be happy you are out of the crazy. You didn't lose anything of any lasting value when it comes to relationships except time. The more you think about her the more time you are losing. Again move on from the crazy.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-26-2017 at 02:32 PM.
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:24 PM
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Re: When your ex calls you

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I'm still trying to figure out when to call my mother,.....smh..... Our last conversation she tried telling me marragies go through these kind of hardships.....LIKE WHAT! She loves my ex more than her own son! Lololol.
"Mom, understand me, you cut her out or I am gone. If you don't get it it's not my problem go on SI and read it but this is your last warning". Did your Mom cheat? I am serious that is the only reason I can think she doesn't think this is a big deal. Maybe you should ask her.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-26-2017 at 02:28 PM.
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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 01-26-2017, 02:28 PM
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Re: When your ex calls you

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I, lot of times, I have seen ex's of some of my friends come crawling back once they've spent all the money in the divorce settlement and the grass the other side of the hill wasn't as green as they thought it would be. They try to make you sorry for leaving when they were the one who had an affair or insisted that you leave. Good move to change your number right after she called you. You don't need her back in your life. She's the one who killed your marriage.
They truly are broken people, it's why they can do what they do. It is all a part of their issues. For most WS there really isn't' a happy ended for them because they are always stuck with their own poor boundaries and decision making. Again why I never advocate staying. It's not like this stuff is rocket science. Character is character.
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