The Singles of TAM 2.0 - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #61 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 03:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Very interesting. Like you, I too tend to jump in head first, and I am not known for my patience. Kudos to you for putting in the effort; now you are reaping the benefits. If I'm being honest that's why I kept trying over and over again with my ex-bf, because I thought he needed to see that he could trust me, etc. But at some point I just had to admit that it wasn't about that - it was that he just didn't care.

How long have you two been together?
Everything about Real Estate says that he cares. Even though he was fighting it--he had been telling himself for the last 5+ years that he never wanted another girlfriend or a relationship, ever again, but everything about him was saying otherwise, but he didn't want to admit it. He still won't say that I'm his girlfriend/he's my boyfriend, but he's getting closer; we are in a relationship, we are "going out" (how he thinks that is different than "dating" I do not understand, but ok), and he's ok with me calling him my "partner."

We've been together about 10 months now. But Real Estate has decided to start rounding that up to a year, LOL

Almost a year. Wow.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #62 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 03:42 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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@Hope Shimmers I had to kiss a lot of frogs to find him. And I've had to be VERY patient. He has a lot of baggage that would have had a lot of women calling it quits, and I almost did a few times... but I stuck it out because something was telling me that he was worth it. He was trying to keep me at arm's length for a long time, because he was scared; he needed to see that I was willing to stick it out, for him to trust me enough to start letting me in. So it's been slow going, but it HAS been worth it. For someone who has a tendency to jump in head-first, it's been good for me, too.
Was he cheated on? Is that where his anxiety came from?
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post #63 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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I like my freedom too, though. But I'm willing to give that up for the right person (some of it, anyway). And marriage is still in the cards for me. I know some people have said they would never marry again, but I feel like I wouldn't feel close to someone who wasn't willing to marry me.
I know this was directed @Ynot, but I wanted to touch on this. I LOVE the freedom that I have gained as a result of my divorce. I think because it was so hard-won. My former marriage/relationship stole much of my independence and my sense of self, so I would be very hard-pressed to give it up. Even so, I do want to get married again... but only if it's to the right guy. Someone who appreciates the things that make me me, and who encourages me to continue to pursue them, so that I won't feel consumed by the relationship, so that I won't lose my sense of self.

And I agree with what you say about not feeling close to someone who isn't willing to marry you... if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, and he doesn't want to get married, our relationship will never live to its fullest potential, because to me that says that he will always have one foot out the door. And if that's the way he feels, why should I commit to him--if he's not willing to do the same?

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #64 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 03:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Was he cheated on? Is that where his anxiety came from?
Yes. That is a very big part of it. And some FOO issues. But more so, his XW cheated on him, ran out on him with her AP to have the AP's baby, and stole his dog.

I realize that sounds like a country western song, LOL.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #65 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 03:51 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Very interesting. Like you, I too tend to jump in head first, and I am not known for my patience. Kudos to you for putting in the effort; now you are reaping the benefits. If I'm being honest that's why I kept trying over and over again with my ex-bf, because I thought he needed to see that he could trust me, etc. But at some point I just had to admit that it wasn't about that - it was that he just didn't care.

How long have you two been together?



Sounds like a good match. Nice that you are taking it slow and are on the same page.



I don't know if it is a gender thing, a timing thing (I have been divorced since 2008), or just personal differences, but I want the relationship. I want the closeness. I just can't find it.

I like my freedom too, though. But I'm willing to give that up for the right person (some of it, anyway). And marriage is still in the cards for me. I know some people have said they would never marry again, but I feel like I wouldn't feel close to someone who wasn't willing to marry me.

I'm curious if you ever see yourself being in a relationship again.
Honestly this "feeling" is one which I only recently discovered within my self recently. After my divorce I craved a relationship. I realized that for the most part it was due to my fear of being alone. Yet I felt uncomfortable having sex once I was in a relationship. Some of that discomfort came from the lingering feeling that I was being unfaithful to the woman I had married (and who decided she wanted a divorce). Only recently have I realized it is from my conflating sex with love. I know I am not ready to love some one else yet. Mainly because I do not totally love myself yet. I am falling in love with me, but it is like peeling an onion. I am discovering new things about myself everyday. I don't want to short circuit the discovery process by settling for less than what I want (which I still haven't figure out). In the mean time the only way I am going to discover what I want is put myself out there to explore. This exploration involves much more than just sex, but sex is still an aspect of it.
So as far as a relationship goes, for the moment I am only seeking a sexual relationship so that WE can mutually explore our sexualities. If something more comes of that I am not opposed to it. But right now I am not looking for it.
My sex life was pretty limited and vanilla both before and during my marriage. Now I am discovering that women actually enjoy and seek out sex themselves (believe me, this has been a revelation to me after my 24 year marriage). So exploring this aspect of myself while I still can is something that I want to do to further my development.
As for marriage, I don't ever see that happening ever again. There is simply no need for it at my age. I am never going to have another child and have no interest in inviting the state into my life again. Commitment is not predicated on a marriage.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #66 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 03:55 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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I know this was directed @Ynot, but I wanted to touch on this. I LOVE the freedom that I have gained as a result of my divorce. I think because it was so hard-won. My former marriage/relationship stole much of my independence and my sense of self, so I would be very hard-pressed to give it up. Even so, I do want to get married again... but only if it's to the right guy. Someone who appreciates the things that make me me, and who encourages me to continue to pursue them, so that I won't feel consumed by the relationship, so that I won't lose my sense of self.

And I agree with what you say about not feeling close to someone who isn't willing to marry you... if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, and he doesn't want to get married, our relationship will never live to its fullest potential, because to me that says that he will always have one foot out the door. And if that's the way he feels, why should I commit to him--if he's not willing to do the same?
Not being argumentative, but what does marriage have to do with commitment?
OTOH, one of the things I am not looking for right now is commitment. I guess I don't want the burden of living up to some one else's expectations.

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post #67 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Not being argumentative, but what does marriage have to do with commitment?
OTOH, one of the things I am not looking for right now is commitment. I guess I don't want the burden of living up to some one else's expectations.
To me, marriage is the ultimate form of commitment that two people can make to one another. If I am married to you, I will do everything I can to make our marriage work; I will stick with you through thick and thin. I take my vows seriously. And if I ever get married again, the man I marry will have the same view of marriage.

I know there are people here on TAM who will argue with me on this until the cows come home. But this is the way I feel.

ETA: If they love you for who you are, you will find that their expectations are easy to live up to.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #68 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 09:21 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Not being argumentative, but what does marriage have to do with commitment?
OTOH, one of the things I am not looking for right now is commitment. I guess I don't want the burden of living up to some one else's expectations.
Marriage has EVERYTHING to do with commitment.

I understand what you said about only wanting a sexual relationship right now, especially as you are fresh out of a long-term marriage and finding out who you are as a single person instead of half of a couple.

Maybe that will change and maybe it won't, over time.

I think that if you meet the right person someday, and you are ready, commitment and marriage may be on the table.

For me, a man who wants commitment and partnership with me will be willing and in fact will WANT NOTHING MORE than to be my husband. That means everything to me.
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post #69 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 09:22 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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ETA: If they love you for who you are, you will find that their expectations are easy to live up to.
Yes, and they won't be 'expectations' per se. It will be what you WANT to do for that person and with that person.
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post #70 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 10:17 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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ETA: If they love you for who you are, you will find that their expectations are easy to live up to.
Starting to see that with cuddlebunny, I'm signing away my income and every other woman I've dated since divorce would have been "What?! No!", but cuddlebunny, full support all the way. I'm officially enrolled for a 3 year course, applying for instructor license too for hang gliding. My new life awaits. I AM GOING TO LIVE!!! To hell with those who tell me otherwise!

Probably won't see much wealth until 5 years time, but with cuddlebunny, I'm happy to share it with her, and instead of dumping her on V-day like what I did to my last materialistic gf, I am going on vacation with cuddlebunny for V day

I'm going to be poor! I'm so happy!!! ^^

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post #71 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 03:59 AM
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It's fancy, right? I figure I'll create a new one again, once this one reaches 1000 pages.

RD--how quickly did you gain this weight? 6 inches on your belt is quite a bit, especially if it was over a short amount of time. Has your activity level and/or your diet changed significantly in recent months?

I ask because the natural slow-down in metabolism usually results in a very gradual weight gain. From what I've read, and this applies to women, but I imagine it would be slightly similar for men, changing hormones and a slower metabolism should only result in an approximate weight gain of 25# over a DECADE.

I'm thinking you gained way too much weight, way too fast, and I think you should go see a doctor.
On November I went overseas with my daughter and ate ate ate, belt jumped 2 inches, after my bday, I dunno what happened, cause in 1 month, jumped 4 more inches. I was determined to put on weight, but it's normally a struggle to gain and maintain, now it's so easy, and I'm even sexier! Normally I get flirty or second looks from 25% of women walking past, now it's 75% !

As long as I don't gain anymore in my belly


If I start getting too fat, will see doctor, but I hope my metabolism is just "balancing" out, used to be so hypo!
Fat cells multiply fast . It's cell division . Dont bother waiting . Do something now . Eat healthy n lesser n exercise .

We must continue to look gorgeous
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post #72 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:21 AM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

Hope and FIP, I guess I just think about commitment and marriage the same way I do God and religion. The second is based on the first, but the first really has no need for the second.. If two people are committed to each other, marriage does nothing to further that or enhance it. In fact, much like religion attempts to control one's relationship with God, marriage is an attempt by society and government to control one's relationship to their SO. In either case, I see no need to submit my self to the control and expectations of others. I can have a deeply personal (I would say stronger) relationship with God absent any religion, just as can have a deeply personal relationship with a woman outside of the confines of marriage.

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post #73 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 05:48 AM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Hope and FIP, I guess I just think about commitment and marriage the same way I do God and religion. The second is based on the first, but the first really has no need for the second.. If two people are committed to each other, marriage does nothing to further that or enhance it. In fact, much like religion attempts to control one's relationship with God, marriage is an attempt by society and government to control one's relationship to their SO. In either case, I see no need to submit my self to the control and expectations of others. I can have a deeply personal (I would say stronger) relationship with God absent any religion, just as can have a deeply personal relationship with a woman outside of the confines of marriage.


Well said.


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post #74 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 07:59 AM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Yes. That is a very big part of it. And some FOO issues. But more so, his XW cheated on him, ran out on him with her AP to have the AP's baby, and stole his dog.

I realize that sounds like a country western song, LOL.
Actually sounds more like what happened to me except the baby part. Hard to trust after that for sure. I commend you for standing by and showing him that you aren't a bail when things get tough type. It means a lot to us who have been put through the ringer
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post #75 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 08:25 AM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

Ynot, you and I are the same person. I am totally broken when it comes to being married. 30 years of total committment to what end? Happy now, guarding my freedom with my life, willing/wanting to take another along for the ride, but not willing to put what amounts to legal chains on again.
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