The Singles of TAM 2.0 - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
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post #76 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 09:35 AM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

I'd rather much call the girl I can't imagine my life without a wife than a girlfriend. I also want a fancy rock on her finger to let the world know she's mine and I'll do anything for her.

Going to get married on a cruise with just our kids, siblings, and parents. No minister, no church, no religion. If it doesn't work out, we split up everything and go our merry ways. I'm not scared to get married again.

Oh, the ring ships out Thursday! I'll have it by Friday. Trying to decide to propose this weekend or wait another week. Can't wait to make her officially mine.

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post #77 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 09:45 AM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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I'd rather much call the girl I can't imagine my life without a wife than a girlfriend. I also want a fancy rock on her finger to let the world know she's mine and I'll do anything for her.

Going to get married on a cruise with just our kids, siblings, and parents. No minister, no church, no religion. If it doesn't work out, we split up everything and go our merry ways. I'm not scared to get married again.

Oh, the ring ships out Thursday! I'll have it by Friday. Trying to decide to propose this weekend or wait another week. Can't wait to make her officially mine.


I was wondering how that was going. WOW!


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post #78 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 09:59 AM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

I'm doing something stupid. The woman I broke up with in Nov has been trying to get ahold of me to talk. I've avoided it several times but finally agreed to meet with her on Thursday. I ended things with her because she wanted to push the relationship at a pace that I wasn't comfortable with and I explained that to her several times before the breakup. I know it's not going to be pleasant seeing her (I'll be prepared to leave quickly if things are too uncomfortable), but it seems like the right thing to do to help her get the closure she's missing.

Edit: I've been rethinking this and it's a really stupid idea. I'm going to text to cancel.

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post #79 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:31 AM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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I am falling in love with me, but it is like peeling an onion. I am discovering new things about myself everyday. I don't want to short circuit the discovery process by settling for less than what I want (which I still haven't figure out). In the mean time the only way I am going to discover what I want is put myself out there to explore. This exploration involves much more than just sex, but sex is still an aspect of it.
This is perfect. And your self-realization of this has you far ahead of the game, IMO. Good for you!
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post #80 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

IMO someone who requires marriage for commitment isn't marriage material. Piece of paper to "prove" my commitment is b#llsh#t. I interpret it as a sign of mistrust.
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post #81 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 10:44 AM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Hope and FIP, I guess I just think about commitment and marriage the same way I do God and religion. The second is based on the first, but the first really has no need for the second.. If two people are committed to each other, marriage does nothing to further that or enhance it. In fact, much like religion attempts to control one's relationship with God, marriage is an attempt by society and government to control one's relationship to their SO. In either case, I see no need to submit my self to the control and expectations of others. I can have a deeply personal (I would say stronger) relationship with God absent any religion, just as can have a deeply personal relationship with a woman outside of the confines of marriage.
I respect every person's individual views on this, and appreciate that we have the opportunity to share them here. I would like to get married again one day. But that day is not in the foreseeable future for me. A very small part of that is the fact that I need the income from my divorce for several more years. I know that potentially sounds materialistic, but I would not be able to pay off my debt on my own income.

A much, much larger factor is my experience. I stood before God, our families, and my husband. We committed to our marriage and to one another that we would be faithful and true; that we would love, honor and respect one another. I held to those promises with my entire heart. He broke every one of them, not just once, but many times, and without apology. Our so-called vows meant nothing to him.

My views on God and religion have changed a great deal since then, but I do still believe in the commitment of marriage. But my views involve it being a true commitment to one another - nothing more. I absolutely want to find that again one day, but it has to be with a man who can be patient enough to understand what it will mean for me to be willing to open myself up like that again.

In the end, what matters is that we find a person whose views align with our own - whether that involves marriage or not.
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post #82 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Actually sounds more like what happened to me except the baby part. Hard to trust after that for sure. I commend you for standing by and showing him that you aren't a bail when things get tough type. It means a lot to us who have been put through the ringer
It hasn't been easy for me. I have trust issues and a fear of abandonment, and the fact that he was (in earlier stages) at odds with himself, telling himself and everyone else that he didn't want a girlfriend, didn't want a relationship, when all of his actions and behaviors betrayed him and made it obvious that he DID want a relationship, and that he DID want to be with me... he was fighting it SO HARD because he's crazy stubborn, and the fact that little ole' me was causing him to question what he had firmly believed about himself and his life for over 5 years. I realize now that he was probably having a difficult time dealing with that, and maybe he still does. But all of that freaked me out, and made me ask if I was wasting my time with him, if he was always going to be like this. Because, in my mind, it's **** yes or **** no. Either you want me, or you don't. We fought, and I "ran away" twice... because how was I supposed to stand by someone who didn't even know if he wanted me there?

It wasn't until after our second BIG fight and the second time that I "ran away," when we spoke about everything and why I ran away again, he made it clear that he's not looking for anyone else, and he's not going anywhere, and I can rely on him, but he's also not ready for a commitment (apparently, the bf/gf designation is SUPER serious in his mind)... and he told me he wanted me in his life, and he asked me to be patient with him (while he tried to work through and process his baggage), and to stay (not run away). That was what I needed from him, confirmation that he had no intention of going anywhere, and that he wanted me to stay. That was what I really needed, to know that I was actually WANTED and not just someone he was hanging out with because it was convenient. He made it clear that I am not wasting my time with him.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

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post #83 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:42 AM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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That was what I really needed, to know that I was actually WANTED and not just someone he was hanging out with because it was convenient. He made it clear that I am not wasting my time with him.
FIP, I truly have been so happy for you as you and RE have moved through this process. I know it was hard during those times you had to work through, but you give hope that it is indeed worth the work. I agree with you whole-heartedly about "fvck ys or fvck no", but it's not quite that simple, is it? Thanks for sharing and for being your honest self.
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post #84 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 11:49 AM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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I'd rather much call the girl I can't imagine my life without a wife than a girlfriend. I also want a fancy rock on her finger to let the world know she's mine and I'll do anything for her.

Going to get married on a cruise with just our kids, siblings, and parents. No minister, no church, no religion. If it doesn't work out, we split up everything and go our merry ways. I'm not scared to get married again.

Oh, the ring ships out Thursday! I'll have it by Friday. Trying to decide to propose this weekend or wait another week. Can't wait to make her officially mine.
You should wait another year....seriously....

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #85 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:10 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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You should wait another year....seriously....
It will be another year before we're married. If you don't know within 12 months, then you move on. If you aren't telling your SO you love her and don't see you being in an exclusive relationship after a year, move on. If you need years to make up your mind, there are some deep issues. Life is short, play hard and have fun. That's what we're doing. With kids involved, there needs to be a commitment before moving everyone to a new house, new schools, new routine, etc. If no kids involved, I get never getting married. There's less at stake if the couple decides to move on. But a lot of states have common law, so you're treated as a married couple after 7 years anyways. That's my take.

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post #86 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:17 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

@HopeShimmers
Sometimes I feel addicted to emotional pain because that is all I have ever known. If a partner was not hurting me emotionally, I wasn't well. Could this be the case with you??

Your ex boyfriend has told you many many many times he doesn't want you. Please love, stop the insanity!!!

I have a story for you, I don't even know if this well aid you or not:

I dated a guy from the beginning of 2015 until the very end (NYE 2016). Even after we broke up, I would call him my friend and go over his place to have sex and hang out. He is a good friend still. He was a bad boyfriend. Sometime last year, we had talked about stopping our casual sex, hanging out, but we never did. I would always go to his place, he never visited me.

Last year, around Christmas time, I told him I was stopping by to see him. He said he wanted to stop this sex thing we had going on. I respected his wishes and stopped talking to him.

Two weeks ago, he called me out of the blue, he said he missed me. He also disclosed to me that the reason he had asked for us to stop sleeping with each other was because he had dinner and drinks with his ex wife (relationship ended five years ago). I was so hurt. Even though we are not a couple, I felt betrayed! My feelings were rather emotional.
One thing you have to realize is that although we were not together, I love him and he loves me too. He told me the reason he had dinner with ex wife was to get closure.... I felt even worse. I felt as if everything that we had was a farce. He didn't see it that way.

He now wants to come see me. I do not want to see him. I am not longer hurt, but want nothing to do with him. I did not want a serious relationship with him from the beginning yet FOOLED myself into thinking he could be the one. He is a great person and perhaps another woman will love him. I wanted him as a back up plan. I wanted him in case my world crashed down and I had to find a place to stay....

I was addicted to his neglectful ways, his constant messaging other women, his over all laziness towards our relationship, and his d!ck, well... Look at you Hope. Find out what it is about this ex boyfriend that keeps you going back to him.

@TooNice How long have you guys been seeing each other. Perhaps I place too much emphasis on the sex part. Also, I had an experience with a guy who wanted to wait to have sex because he had HPV. I seriously hope this, or something similar, is not the case in your situation. A 30 year old male is typically sexual all the time. Could he be with you because he knows your sexual appetite is not as high as a younger woman? I am sorry if I sound rude but these are questions you must ask yourself before you fully commit yourself to him.

*** I do not believe in marriage.

I say Left, but mean Purple
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post #87 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:19 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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IMO someone who requires marriage for commitment isn't marriage material. Piece of paper to "prove" my commitment is b#llsh#t. I interpret it as a sign of mistrust.
I certainly never said I "require" marriage for commitment. I believe in commitment to my partner as soon as we both decide to be exclusive.

Has nothing to do with a piece of paper to "prove" anything. We all know too well that a piece of paper isn't going to make anyone commit or make them be faithful if they don't want to. But I still view marriage less as a legal agreement (although I know it is) and more of a romantic, family notion. If someone is afraid to marry me, I interpret that as a sign of mistrust.
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post #88 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:24 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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@HopeShimmers
Sometimes I feel addicted to emotional pain because that is all I have ever known. If a partner was not hurting me emotionally, I wasn't well. Could this be the case with you??

Your ex boyfriend has told you many many many times he doesn't want you. Please love, stop the insanity!!!

I have a story for you, I don't even know if this well aid you or not:

I dated a guy from the beginning of 2015 until the very end (NYE 2016). Even after we broke up, I would call him my friend and go over his place to have sex and hang out. He is a good friend still. He was a bad boyfriend. Sometime last year, we had talked about stopping our casual sex, hanging out, but we never did. I would always go to his place, he never visited me.

Last year, around Christmas time, I told him I was stopping by to see him. He said he wanted to stop this sex thing we had going on. I respected his wishes and stopped talking to him.

Two weeks ago, he called me out of the blue, he said he missed me. He also disclosed to me that the reason he had asked for us to stop sleeping with each other was because he had dinner and drinks with his ex wife (relationship ended five years ago). I was so hurt. Even though we are not a couple, I felt betrayed! My feelings were rather emotional.
One thing you have to realize is that although we were not together, I love him and he loves me too. He told me the reason he had dinner with ex wife was to get closure.... I felt even worse. I felt as if everything that we had was a farce. He didn't see it that way.

He now wants to come see me. I do not want to see him. I am not longer hurt, but want nothing to do with him. I did not want a serious relationship with him from the beginning yet FOOLED myself into thinking he could be the one. He is a great person and perhaps another woman will love him. I wanted him as a back up plan. I wanted him in case my world crashed down and I had to find a place to stay....

I was addicted to his neglectful ways, his constant messaging other women, his over all laziness towards our relationship, and his d!ck, well... Look at you Hope. Find out what it is about this ex boyfriend that keeps you going back to him.

@TooNice How long have you guys been seeing each other. Perhaps I place too much emphasis on the sex part. Also, I had an experience with a guy who wanted to wait to have sex because he had HPV. I seriously hope this, or something similar, is not the case in your situation. A 30 year old male is typically sexual all the time. Could he be with you because he knows your sexual appetite is not as high as a younger woman? I am sorry if I sound rude but these are questions you must ask yourself before you fully commit yourself to him.

*** I do not believe in marriage.
Yes, he has told me many times he does not want me. In words and in actions.

I think the reason I kept going back is that part of me wondered whether he did indeed care, but was holding back for other reasons. Things he blamed on me. I kept thinking if I could fix them, it could work.

I was not given a chance to fix anything this last time around, not really. I do believe now that he truly doesn't care, that there was nothing I could have done. If that were not true, he would not be acting the way he is. It's just a fact and I accept it. Finally.

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry for what you went through with your ex. That must have been really difficult.
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post #89 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 12:37 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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He now wants to come see me. I do not want to see him. I am not longer hurt, but want nothing to do with him. I did not want a serious relationship with him from the beginning yet FOOLED myself into thinking he could be the one. He is a great person and perhaps another woman will love him. I wanted him as a back up plan. I wanted him in case my world crashed down and I had to find a place to stay....

I was addicted to his neglectful ways, his constant messaging other women, his over all laziness towards our relationship, and his d!ck, well... Look at you Hope. Find out what it is about this ex boyfriend that keeps you going back to him.

@TooNice How long have you guys been seeing each other. Perhaps I place too much emphasis on the sex part. Also, I had an experience with a guy who wanted to wait to have sex because he had HPV. I seriously hope this, or something similar, is not the case in your situation. A 30 year old male is typically sexual all the time. Could he be with you because he knows your sexual appetite is not as high as a younger woman? I am sorry if I sound rude but these are questions you must ask yourself before you fully commit yourself to him.
Ne, you have grown much since you were with him. Like Hope, you deserve more. <3

I only met the man I am seeing at Thanksgiving, and I'd say we got serious about seeing each other about three weeks ago. We have a very strong physical attraction, and until we talked, I did wonder a little if more was going on. He really has been burned badly, and I meant it when I said he is an old soul. He's a bit of a romantic, and it made sense to me when he told me that he thinks sex makes things complicated. I've said that myself in other relationships, but it's the dating norm for so many people now. It's early for us, so I am happy to enjoy what we have had together so far.

And to be honest, my appetite is higher than it has been at any other point in my life, so... when we are ready, that will not be a concern - lol.
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post #90 of 668 (permalink) Old 01-31-2017, 01:13 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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If you don't know within 12 months, then you move on.
I disagree that you only need one year to be sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with a person. Sometimes 10 years isn't even enough. People aren't always honest, even with themselves. Bad habits sometimes don't show up right away, and people with drug/gambling/spending/sex addictions are very good at hiding it. A year is NOTHING.


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If you aren't telling your SO you love her and don't see you being in an exclusive relationship after a year, move on.
This makes a bit more sense than the rest of your post. If you're not feeling it by a year, then there may be some problems and it just might be worth considering cutting the cord in favor of finding someone with whom you click better. That does NOT mean if you DO feel it by 12 months you should go shopping for rings.

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If you need years to make up your mind, there are some deep issues.
Speaking from my own experience. I don't need years to make up my mind to get married again. I made the decision never to get married again when I got divorced the one and only time in my life. Unlike others such as yourself, I have the capacity to learn from my mistakes so I will not be destined to repeat them.

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Life is short, play hard and have fun. That's what we're doing.
You sound like a teenage kid who jumps across the tracks in front of a train just for the thrill.

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But a lot of states have common law, so you're treated as a married couple after 7 years anyways.
I did a quick search, it appears that only 15 states out of 50 recognize common law. Even in those states common law marriage is not necessarily treated the same way as an "official" legal marriage. So your statement that "lots" of states have it so you might as well get married anyway is nonsense. Even if it was "most" states and even if common law marriages were treated the same way in a legal sense as traditional marriages, you've got the better part of 7 years to go your separate ways if things don't work out.

Sorry @GuyInColorado I don't agree with your perspective on marriage at all and I think you're making a huge mistake jumping in so quickly a second time. The reasons you give for doing so are completely without merit, logic, or common sense.
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