Sometimes I feel addicted to emotional pain because that is all I have ever known. If a partner was not hurting me emotionally, I wasn't well. Could this be the case with you??
Your ex boyfriend has told you many many many times he doesn't want you. Please love, stop the insanity!!!
I have a story for you, I don't even know if this well aid you or not:
I dated a guy from the beginning of 2015 until the very end (NYE 2016). Even after we broke up, I would call him my friend and go over his place to have sex and hang out. He is a good friend still. He was a bad boyfriend. Sometime last year, we had talked about stopping our casual sex, hanging out, but we never did. I would always go to his place, he never visited me.
Last year, around Christmas time, I told him I was stopping by to see him. He said he wanted to stop this sex thing we had going on. I respected his wishes and stopped talking to him.
Two weeks ago, he called me out of the blue, he said he missed me. He also disclosed to me that the reason he had asked for us to stop sleeping with each other was because he had dinner and drinks with his ex wife (relationship ended five years ago). I was so hurt. Even though we are not a couple, I felt betrayed! My feelings were rather emotional.
One thing you have to realize is that although we were not together, I love him and he loves me too. He told me the reason he had dinner with ex wife was to get closure.... I felt even worse. I felt as if everything that we had was a farce. He didn't see it that way.
He now wants to come see me. I do not want to see him. I am not longer hurt, but want nothing to do with him. I did not want a serious relationship with him from the beginning yet FOOLED myself into thinking he could be the one. He is a great person and perhaps another woman will love him. I wanted him as a back up plan. I wanted him in case my world crashed down and I had to find a place to stay....
I was addicted to his neglectful ways, his constant messaging other women, his over all laziness towards our relationship, and his d!ck, well... Look at you Hope. Find out what it is about this ex boyfriend that keeps you going back to him.
How long have you guys been seeing each other. Perhaps I place too much emphasis on the sex part. Also, I had an experience with a guy who wanted to wait to have sex because he had HPV. I seriously hope this, or something similar, is not the case in your situation. A 30 year old male is typically sexual all the time. Could he be with you because he knows your sexual appetite is not as high as a younger woman? I am sorry if I sound rude but these are questions you must ask yourself before you fully commit yourself to him.
*** I do not believe in marriage.