The Singles of TAM 2.0 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:12 PM Thread Starter
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The Singles of TAM 2.0

This is a continuation of the original Singles of TAM thread, which is now 2300+ pages.

If you want to see where we left off or figure what the heck any of us are talking about, you can read the old thread here.

Please do not post any responses in the old thread--please post them here instead.

I'm going to roll call people who posted to the old Singles thread recently to help them find this new one: @Bananapeel @ne9907 @3Xnocharm @anewstart60 @GuyInColorado @TooNice @RandomDude @vi_bride04 @Absurdist @Herschel @Haiku @Hopeful Cynic @Satya @bkyln309 @tripad @Hope Shimmers @*Deidre* @sosotte @wantshelp @moco82 @EleGirl @Ynot

ETA: For anyone NEW to the Singles thread, you can post anything about your experiences as a newly single person, ask questions or advice, or respond to any of the other folks on the thread. We're a friendly bunch, and we welcome everyone, even people who aren't single, but just want to hang out with the coolest people of TAM.


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

Last edited by FeministInPink; 01-27-2017 at 01:27 PM.
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post #2 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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So... it actually ended up being a pretty easy conversation! He said that he absolutely understood, and that I should never feel bad for leaving to just take care of me stuff. He loves having me around, but he doesn't want to keep me from doing what I need to do to live my life. He said he was surprised that I've spent the entire weekend--especially with the two three-day weekends we just had--but he figured if I had stuff I needed to do, that I would leave. We've agreed that, unless we make explicit plans otherwise, I'll leave by 2 pm or so on Sunday, or if we want to do something on Sunday, I'll take Saturday afternoon for myself. And if I need more than that, I'll take it.

He is so understanding, and kind, and exceptional... where did he come from? How did his crazy XW give this guy up??? He's just... amazing.
FIP, this is just awesome. I am so happy for you.
@TooNice Thanks! I will admit, part of my conditioned, reptilian brain is like, "What? You don't want me here all the time? Are your affections waning? Do you not like me as much as you did before? Why are you not being selfish, jealous, and controlling? You should want me with you ALL THE TIME!!!"

And I have to say, "Reptilian brain, that is just stinkin thinkin! That is your fear of abandonment talking. If he DID want that, he would be an abusive, manipulative, *******, and you don't want that. Remember, what you have in front of you is an example of a HEALTHY relationship. He wants you to take time for yourself and be independent. He is not abandoning you. He is not leaving you. He just wants to support you. This is GOOD. This is OK." And then make soothing sounds, whatever sounds a reptile finds soothing.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #3 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:33 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

Woo hoo! made it to the new thread

FIP: Glad Real Estate was understanding.
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post #4 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:34 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

Thank you FIP!! Hope you are doing great these days!

I made it on page 1 yay!

Sometimes, you fall in love with the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time. ~ Unknown

Last edited by *Deidre*; 01-27-2017 at 08:24 PM. Reason: typo >.<
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post #5 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:35 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

What about the "want to be singles"?

Or the "want to act single while marrieds"?
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post #6 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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What about the "want to be singles"?

Or the "want to act single while marrieds"?
All are welcome. However, I can't promise that they won't get the smackdown if they start talking about cheating or whatnot. We're an opinionated group.

But we have married folks pop in from time to time and comment in the discussion.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #7 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Woo hoo! made it to the new thread

FIP: Glad Real Estate was understanding.
Me, too! I don't know why I was worried... I guess there is still a lot of conditioning left over from my former marriage and/or FOO buried deep in there.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #8 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:48 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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All are welcome. However, I can't promise that they won't get the smackdown if they start talking about cheating or whatnot. We're an opinionated group.

But we have married folks pop in from time to time and comment in the discussion.
Married people are NOT single even if they want to be.
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post #9 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:48 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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@TooNice Thanks! I will admit, part of my conditioned, reptilian brain is like, "What? You don't want me here all the time? Are your affections waning? Do you not like me as much as you did before? Why are you not being selfish, jealous, and controlling? You should want me with you ALL THE TIME!!!"

And I have to say, "Reptilian brain, that is just stinkin thinkin! That is your fear of abandonment talking. If he DID want that, he would be an abusive, manipulative, *******, and you don't want that. Remember, what you have in front of you is an example of a HEALTHY relationship. He wants you to take time for yourself and be independent. He is not abandoning you. He is not leaving you. He just wants to support you. This is GOOD. This is OK." And then make soothing sounds, whatever sounds a reptile finds soothing.
Bahaha! This made me laugh. The guy I am seeing messaged me very late a couple of nights ago. He had been very bothered about something and wanted to clear the air. We were having dinner the other night (um, dinner he made for me, btw. At my house. Brought all the ingredients and took over my kitchen. <swoon>).

Anyway, we were just chatting about family and such, and I asked if he had told his family about me yet. He said no, and conversation moved on. Turns out, he started to feel badly, thinking that I would feel minimized or slighted by the fact that he hasn't mentioned me. And it bothered him enough to clear the air. I assured him that I only asked because I was curious and goodness, no... I didn't feel put out in the least. I'm a big girl. THAT won't be a thing that bothers me. Especially with a substantial age gap, let's take some time and figure this out before we start making a big deal about bringing people home to meet the family. I try to tell men that I am pretty low-maintenance. One of these days I'll get one of them to be honest enough with me to realize that I actually mean it. Maybe it's this one, maybe not. But I still like that I am not running for cover, searching for reasons why I shouldn't hang out for a bit and see what happens. He's sweet, kind and honest. I want to let that be enough for now.
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post #10 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Married people are NOT single even if they want to be.
Quite right! But married people can still comment here, the way that women can comment in the Men's Clubhouse.

I think Blueinrb was trolling us a little with that comment.


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post #11 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:51 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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All are welcome. However, I can't promise that they won't get the smackdown if they start talking about cheating or whatnot. We're an opinionated group.

But we have married folks pop in from time to time and comment in the discussion.
Agreed. And as we all know, there are stages to this process that we all go through. Are you "wanting to be single" and cheating on a spouse? Are your possessions divided, divorce papers filed and you're all moved out and in a new place by yourself? Circumstances matter to some. To others, until the gavel falls, you're still married.

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post #12 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Bahaha! This made me laugh. The guy I am seeing messaged me very late a couple of nights ago. He had been very bothered about something and wanted to clear the air. We were having dinner the other night (um, dinner he made for me, btw. At my house. Brought all the ingredients and took over my kitchen. <swoon>).

Anyway, we were just chatting about family and such, and I asked if he had told his family about me yet. He said no, and conversation moved on. Turns out, he started to feel badly, thinking that I would feel minimized or slighted by the fact that he hasn't mentioned me. And it bothered him enough to clear the air. I assured him that I only asked because I was curious and goodness, no... I didn't feel put out in the least. I'm a big girl. THAT won't be a thing that bothers me. Especially with a substantial age gap, let's take some time and figure this out before we start making a big deal about bringing people home to meet the family. I try to tell men that I am pretty low-maintenance. One of these days I'll get one of them to be honest enough with me to realize that I actually mean it. Maybe it's this one, maybe not. But I still like that I am not running for cover, searching for reasons why I shouldn't hang out for a bit and see what happens. He's sweet, kind and honest. I want to let that be enough for now.
This is the younger guy, right? At some point, if a guy is keeping you a secret from his friends and family (because maybe he has another girlfriend), then that's a problem. But if he's just waiting until things get more serious, or he's just very private, that's different. I know by this point, Real Estate's friends and [some] of his family are aware of my existence, but I've only met one or two friends. And I know I won't meet family unless he wants to make a serious commitment. I'm not a secret, he's just a very private person.

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post #13 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Agreed. And as we all know, there are stages to this process that we all go through. Are you "wanting to be single" and cheating on a spouse? Are your possessions divided, divorce papers filed and you're all moved out and in a new place by yourself? Circumstances matter to some. To others, until the gavel falls, you're still married.
We've had people at this stage participate in the group. Most of the time, they realize they are NOT ready/single yet, but we celebrate the finalization of their divorce with them anyway

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post #14 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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This is the younger guy, right? At some point, if a guy is keeping you a secret from his friends and family (because maybe he has another girlfriend), then that's a problem. But if he's just waiting until things get more serious, or he's just very private, that's different. I know by this point, Real Estate's friends and [some] of his family are aware of my existence, but I've only met one or two friends. And I know I won't meet family unless he wants to make a serious commitment. I'm not a secret, he's just a very private person.
Sounds like my guy and RE may have a common thread.

Yes, he's 30. He is not keeping me a secret - he has actually told some of his friends about me, including my age. He's very private with his family, however. As a general rule, he does not bring any girlfriends home to meet them. It's just the relationship he has with them; he does not have a comfort level to bring most women home. He's already told me that should we progress, I will meet his friends first. He's also said that cares a great deal more about the opinions of his friends, so meeting them is more important to him than meeting his family. That does not bother me at all.

Last edited by TooNice; 01-27-2017 at 02:14 PM.
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post #15 of 371 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 02:22 PM
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Re: The Singles of TAM 2.0

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Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post
This is a continuation of the original Singles of TAM thread, which is now 2300+ pages.

If you want to see where we left off or figure what the heck any of us are talking about, you can read the old thread here.

Please do not post any responses in the old thread--please post them here instead.
I closed the old thread so that no one can post there. I also included a link to this thread.

Happy posting y'all.
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