Someone posted an illustration of the way recovery from divorce actually takes place. It is a long uphill slog with many valleys along the way. I can totally relate to that. Recently I have been thinking about my own recovery (still far from complete and a work in progress - as will probably always be the case). There were many times when I felt I had finally turned the corner. I felt as though I had made a 180 degree turn and instead of plunging head on into the abyss, I was finally starting my ascent. The reality was that, while the change in direction was real, it was in fact only a minor course change. Instead of falling directly into the depths, I had only changed the angle of my descent. It was a false bottom. The change was more like 1 degree and not 180 degrees. Along the way there were plenty of rest stops, places where it seemed I had gained a foot hold. But this was only a brief respite and soon that foot hold gave way allowing the plunge to continue, another false bottom.
As I look back I now see that each of these events (there were far more than I can keep track of) was simply another lesson along the way. Some people unfortunately, cling to that foothold and refuse to let go. IMO, they stunt their own recovery. They do things like jump into LTRs or remarry immediately, desperately trying to recreate what they recently lost. They fail to learn the lessons and continue to make the same mistakes over and over again and again.
As my own progress has continued, I have made many mistakes, hopefully learning something along the way. One of the things I have decided is that I needed to change my view of my marriage and divorce. In the immediate aftermath, I considered it all a failure. I have since come to understand that it is only a failure if I allow it to be. I needed to look at the whole thing as a success. Even the divorce and how it all went down. The real success comes as I continue to evolve and improve, learning the lessons along the way.
Now I am starting to develop a sense of gratitude (something I was told would happen) towards my Ex and what she did. She freed me from an obligation I was not able to free myself of myself (mainly due to societal and familial expectations). But now I truly do have a second chance at life. I am in firm control of my life and where it goes. I can become a failure by wallowing in self pity and blaming her for everything, or I can become a success by taking firm control of what happens to me moving forward on the basis of the lessons I have learned.
So keep turning corners away from disaster and towards success, accept the respites you are given but don't cling to them, take control of your life and become the best you that you can become. Don't settle for comfort, especially when it comes to your self.
I did not see my marriage as a failure because I was conditioned that my feelings and emotions did not matter, hence I could not have failed at anything...
Sense of gratitude.... I read this and the light inside my head went up!! I should be grateful that ex is a POS, because if he had not been a POS I would still be married to him. Even if I was unhappy. I was conditioned that my emotions/feelings did not matter. Sometimes, when I am truly upset I forgive myself for believing that I was worthless and unlovable.
I kept an image in my mind of a sad, lost, crying, little girl (often happened when I was a child) all alone. I hug this little girl and tell her/me that all my feelings are valid. I matter.
I know understand this psychological damage from childhood propelled me to marry a very twisted individual; which in turn, made me believe God had planted me on this earth to make ex h happy. Ex h had a very damaged childhood and I thought I was his salvation....
Will I ever recover? I hope so. I am bitter towards marriage or anyone even insinuating (he) is in a relationship with me.
Example, I like hanging out with my friend A LOT~ we have a lot of fun together. He wants to think we are in a romantic relationship... I do not. I should just accept that he is my boyfriend but I simply CANNOT!!! It is rather stupid, I know. BUT I CANNOT! I am like @FeministInPink
's real estate guy.....
I also feel I should not accept I am someone's girlfriend until I am fully healed. I do NOT wish to depend on anyone ever again (the hurt talking??)
My friend and I, we joke a lot together, he sees me as this really strong woman who needs to bring some walls down, so he pushes me a little to bring these walls down... in his own stupid playful way...
He called me his "Mexican trophy" (we were walking around the neighborhood and happened to walk by a Catholic church with a lot of Mexican-American patrons)
He simply said he wanted to show me off to my people ( I am just now accepting I AM MEXICAN and being proud of my heritage, ex husband, hated anything Mexican related and I was manipulated into disliking my own heritage ... I know, it is lame...)
I let go of his hand and walked away from him... I do not know why I did it. He then started joking around and made things better... He also tries to speak Spanish to me and calls me Mexican American pet names, he is not of Mexican descent. If anything, when this ends, I will be grateful to him because he is helping me love my heritage and background.
However, I feel most of the psychological baggage I have is due to my childhood, yes my marriage made the baggage a lot worse.
It is rather stupid, I know. BUT I CANNOT! I am like @FeministInPink
's real estate guy.....
Sometimes, when I get depressed, I get tired of being a depressive a$$hole and stop myself.