Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still? - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:20 PM Thread Starter
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Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

I was hoping some of the veterans would advise me as why I still feel bad about ending the marriage so many months ago. I am not a weak person, and I probably put up with too much, but I still feel bad. After all the crap, the name calling, cursing, punching (only a couple of times), making fun of me in front of others and behind my back, it is still hard for me to get angry at her.

I just wish I could forget about it all.

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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 08:36 PM
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Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

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Originally Posted by Almost-Done View Post
I was hoping some of the veterans would advise me as why I still feel bad about ending the marriage so many months ago. I am not a weak person, and I probably put up with too much, but I still feel bad. After all the crap, the name calling, cursing, punching (only a couple of times), making fun of me in front of others and behind my back, it is still hard for me to get angry at her.

I just wish I could forget about it all.
It's because we never get married with the intention that divorce might be an option. You dream and plan your life and future with that person and when somewhere in life you have to make the decision of divorce and follow through with it, you feel like you failed. All I can tell you is that initially it's hard because you'll reminisce all the good times you had together and then you'll keep justifying to yourself why you got a divorce in the first place. Don't bottle up your emotions and don't feel bad about what you did. Some marriages aren't supposed to work out and some of us are destined to be married more than once. Just remember one thing- time is great healer.

Wish you all the best

Areen
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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-13-2017, 09:18 PM
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Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

Because it's hard to be angry at someone who you think has issues (broken). You feel guilty for not staying in it to help them and you likely feeling bad that you couldn't help her.

None of it is your fault, but your feelings are normal.
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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:26 AM
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Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

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Originally Posted by Almost-Done View Post
I was hoping some of the veterans would advise me as why I still feel bad about ending the marriage so many months ago. I am not a weak person, and I probably put up with too much, but I still feel bad. After all the crap, the name calling, cursing, punching (only a couple of times), making fun of me in front of others and behind my back, it is still hard for me to get angry at her.

I just wish I could forget about it all.
I hung onto my first marriage for years past it's best before date because of parental guilt. I'd been raised in a strict religious household where divorce was a dirty nasty unheardof word, and I really thought it was my duty as a wife to shut up and put up. Especially since I had run away from home at 16 to be with the guy.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.


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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 01:00 PM
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Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

Some people have trouble holding onto the memory of what made them divorce.

She may try to stay in your life since she's not doing such a great job on her own. Be very careful or you could wind up back in the middle of that.
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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 01:10 PM
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Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

Don't respond if she tries to contact you (as she no doubt will). You were her KISA but those days are gone and she needs to figure out her life without your help.

Time is really the only thing that helps get past this. Tell yourself every day that you're better at moving on than you were the day before. One day you'll reach the point of indifference. It's a wonderful feeling.
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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 01:16 PM
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Cool Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Almost-Done View Post
I was hoping some of the veterans would advise me as why I still feel bad about ending the marriage so many months ago. I am not a weak person, and I probably put up with too much, but I still feel bad. After all the crap, the name calling, cursing, punching (only a couple of times), making fun of me in front of others and behind my back, it is still hard for me to get angry at her.

I just wish I could forget about it all.
Because whenever we either engage into a mutually satisfying relationship, or we come to marry, the " high" of the mystical euphoria of having found "the one," that we feel that we absolutely cannot live without, far overrides any of our doubts!

Even after the inevitability of the crap hitting the fan, we still somehow cling fastly to that false, but otherwise comforting premonition!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 02:07 PM
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Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

Maybe you feel that you have failed, these things take time to heal.
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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 08:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
I hung onto my first marriage for years past it's best before date because of parental guilt. I'd been raised in a strict religious household where divorce was a dirty nasty unheardof word, and I really thought it was my duty as a wife to shut up and put up. Especially since I had run away from home at 16 to be with the guy.
Felt similiar and wanted to just push through. Said it will get better, it got worse. It is true when they said misery loves company. I became as miserable as her. She's used to be so happy and positive. I wish I know WTF happened. I know I probably never will. I made mistakes, and apologized. However, it's a bit hard for me to apologize for being in the hospital and family deaths.

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Some people have trouble holding onto the memory of what made them divorce.

She may try to stay in your life since she's not doing such a great job on her own. Be very careful or you could wind up back in the middle of that.

Don't respond if she tries to contact you (as she no doubt will). You were her KISA but those days are gone and she needs to figure out her life without your help.

Time is really the only thing that helps get past this. Tell yourself every day that you're better at moving on than you were the day before. One day you'll reach the point of indifference. It's a wonderful feeling.
Doubtful. We've not spoken or conversed in almost a year. I do not think I'd be able to handle her again as she just will bring me down. Heck, I recall, when we were on good terms, I was offered a executive level job at her place of work, she threatened to quit. I should had known then there was something wrong with her.

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Originally Posted by arbitrator View Post
Because whenever we either engage into a mutually satisfying relationship, or we come to marry, the " high" of the mystical euphoria of having found "the one," that we feel that we absolutely cannot live without, far overrides any of our doubts!

Even after the inevitability of the crap hitting the fan, we still somehow cling fastly to that false, but otherwise comforting premonition!
So true and agreed.

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Maybe you feel that you have failed, these things take time to heal.
Yes, agreed. I feel it is my fault that I wasn't able to fix our marriage. When, in fact, a marriage is a partnership and both people need to want to fix the marriage. It seemed she just cared to piss and moan to her parents and friends. Yet, when I brought the issues up, I cannot talk to you about it. ??? How was I supposed to work with that? I've been doubting myself and my abilities ever since. To say she's changed me in my personal life, and not in a good way, is an understatement. I offered her love, trust, honesty, respect, roof over her head, medical insurance, cooking dinners near daily, cleaning up and a potential for a family. Tried to be her best friend, was treated like a bitter enemy. There are ups and downs in all marriages, but the lows just continued to get lower. So, now, I question my every move. It's a horrible feeling.
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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-14-2017, 09:36 PM
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Cool Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

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Originally Posted by Almost-Done
I've been doubting myself and my abilities ever since. To say she's changed me in my personal life, and not in a good way, is an understatement. I offered her love, trust, honesty, respect, roof over her head, medical insurance, cooking dinners near daily, cleaning up and a potential for a family. Tried to be her best friend, was treated like a bitter enemy. There are ups and downs in all marriages, but the lows just continued to get lower. So, now, I question my every move. It's a horrible feeling.
Join the crowd! I know exactly how you feel!

Truth be told, I'll probably be doing the same thing until the day I die!



"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 12:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

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Join the crowd! I know exactly how you feel!

Truth be told, I'll probably be doing the same thing until the day I die!
At least I am not the only one who feels this way.
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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:12 AM
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Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

I think you should redirect your thoughts to why you don't think you deserve or are worthy of a healthier, less toxic relationship.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 11:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

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I think you should redirect your thoughts to why you don't think you deserve or are worthy of a healthier, less toxic relationship.
Agreed. Working on it. Always put others before myself. Seems I've always been in survival mode.
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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 12:46 PM
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Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

It goes back to the classic: How can you care for others when you can't care for yourself?

I understand. I do... as a person once always wanting to help others. My focus had to change and once it did, all those feelings of guilt were put into perspective.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 02-15-2017, 01:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why do I feel bad about ending my marriage still?

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It goes back to the classic: How can you care for others when you can't care for yourself?

I understand. I do... as a person once always wanting to help others. My focus had to change and once it did, all those feelings of guilt were put into perspective.
100% agree. This was why I filed for divorce. It killed me to do it as I hate leaving someone behind and "hurting". However, I finally realized I cannot fix everything on my own. If she wanted to work on us, then that is what she could had done. No luck. Wouldn't talk to me, said it was too hard to talk to me about us. Then blocked me from going to therapy, wouldn't talk about us with her or my family, wouldn't speak to a preacher or go to a couples retreat. My last ditched effort was purchasing us a few books to read and do exercises with. She laughed at me and said books aren't going to help us. Offered legal separation, she refused. She moved out, refused to talk to me. Filed for divorce and haven't heard anything since.

Believe you me, it's totally changed my mindset on relationships. I hope to think she was the exception, not the rule, but not sure. I dated someone last Fall, and it was fine for a few months. Then she got demanding and mean. Dropped her fast. I am now looking for similar tell tale signs from my ex-wife. This cannot be the norm. Or, maybe it is. I just don't know anymore. Yes, I've seen a therapist (wife, at that time, laughed at me when I told her I was going to one. Then, when I kicked her out, she offered to come. Then went silent on me. Very confusing). I was told I was hurt very deeply by her (no kidding) and my ability to trust another woman on a relationship level was scared.

All in all, it's sad.
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