Should I continue to read TAM - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

User Tag List

 25Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:45 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 511
Should I continue to read TAM

This forum helped me a lot and I cant thank the people here enough.

I continue to read so that I will learn from others and make my future relationships better. I also reach out to others in pain and try to console and give any advice I can.

However...

I feel that sometimes reading these stories brings up anger and regret in my own life. I cant help but think of what was and how much I was hurt.

So do I just drop TAM all together or is this normal and part of the healing process?

Im torn on what to do

NoMoreTears4me is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 10:59 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 6,306
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

I am contemplating that exact decision myself. I am dealing with regrets and sadly sometimes jealousy of others here. That is bad.

I am trying to cut way way back to see if that helps.

How often do you read TAM and which forums do you read?
225985 is offline  
post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 11:36 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 511
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
I am contemplating that exact decision myself. I am dealing with regrets and sadly sometimes jealousy of others here. That is bad.

I am trying to cut way way back to see if that helps.

How often do you read TAM and which forums do you read?
I mostly check the new post and active post links. I really like sending encouraging links to others that are hurting. But man does it trigger me to feel really down and depressed.

Im struggling what to do
NoMoreTears4me is offline  
 
post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 03:04 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Mars - arent all men?
Posts: 536
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

I can relate to this for sure. Since i started posting here i take breaks very very often. I come back to catch up on some threads that started around the same time as mine. in similar situation as me (timeline wise). i come back because i want to seem them make it to the other side. Ive met people here whom i wouldn't hesitate to have a beer with if we were in the same location.

When I come here my focus is starting to shift to others and not so much about me and my thread. I share my experience for their benefit. I try to keep my emotions out of it and stay objective (best way to give advice) BUT i do get angry, sad and all of that at some threads. Thats when i check out for a while.
Grapes is offline  
post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-16-2017, 04:04 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,068
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

I went thru the same issues myself. However, I think it is good to face these emotions. It helps you sort thru them, to try to understand them and to hopefully heal. I still get upset at times when I read something that brings up old memories or forces me to relive the bad times. But I found that these emotions have actually helped to improve myself and grow. I have no intention of going thru life as a broken person facing these issues have helped me heal.
It isn't just posters who are going thru the same things I went thru, but also from some of the responses. We all have a way of saying things. Others may not understand what we are trying to say and someone else may state a thing in a way that someone else might understand better. The responses are often enlightening.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is offline  
post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-17-2017, 08:31 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Mars - arent all men?
Posts: 536
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ynot View Post
It isn't just posters who are going thru the same things I went thru, but also from some of the responses. We all have a way of saying things. Others may not understand what we are trying to say and someone else may state a thing in a way that someone else might understand better. The responses are often enlightening.
This too. I come back also to follow a few posters who seem to speak/write in a way that resonate with me. Though they are advising others their insight is still appreciated and i learn.
Grapes is offline  
post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-20-2017, 10:25 PM
Member
 
Tillaan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: South West
Posts: 616
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

I get how you feel. Sometimes I start reading someone's thread and it just brings everything about my own experience right back full force. Doesn't help in right in the middle of it still.

For me I want to be able to help others, and to continue to learn and move forward. I may not be a lot of use in the helping part yet, but I read a thread here and there that is new and occasionally post something, even if it is just a link to something that helped me over the past 3 months.

I fully intend to be posting here well into my life after divorce and hopefully with the help of people here I can avoid the pitfalls that most people in my situation could easily fall into. And maybe, just maybe, I can make a better choice in my next LTR partner with the lessons learned here.

One thing I will say for sure, this is my second time on TAM, and I regret that I stopped reading and posting here. Take a break, but you should come back. Making the changes to yourself that many people here make require some outside perspective to stay on track, outside perspective you will not get from your real life friends and family. But internet strangers have a way of being honest and holding you accountable that no one else could match.
Tillaan is offline  
post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 01:27 AM
Member
 
Vinnydee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Southern USA, but longtime NYC boy prior to our move.
Posts: 690
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

I have to admit that most times I feel sad since most posts are not happy ones. Sometimes you forget that others' marriages are not like yours. I see the same mistakes repeated like marrying someone thinking they will change after you marry them or being OK with them texting and messaging someone of the opposite sex online since they are only friends that they share their feelings with. People do not change their nature and no it is not OK for your wife or husband to get into an emotional friendship with someone of the opposite sex. If you strongly suspect your spouse is cheating, they probably are. You can forgive but you will never forget and once trust is broken you will always be suspicious.

A lot of posts are just venting and that is a good thing. I often write long posts using my real life as an example. Some like that and some do not. You cannot please everyone online. It is often difficult to offer advice when you are only hearing one side of the story which is always slanted to make the other spouse the bad guy or gal. We never hear the other side of the story.

I never had an insight into troubled marriages until I came here. All our current friends are married longer than our 44 years and committed to their spouses. Our old friends are all divorced or had too much drama in their marriages. This website opened my eyes and I was shocked to see how other husbands and wives behaved in their marriages. My wife and I always consider each others needs and wants in every decision we make that will affect them. Neither of us has even done something that the other was opposed to. If my wife was uncomfortable or unhappy with something I did, I stopped doing it. She did the same. My message is to put each other and your marriage above all else even if it means living outside the ancient marriage rules that once had much more of a purpose than they do now.

I personally do not fully understand why people seek advice from total strangers in such important matters. Advice is often subjective. Everyone has an opinion but only informed opinions are worth your time to seriously consider. The problem is in figuring which are the informed opinions or not. You never even know if the opinion/advice is coming from a 17 year old kid or not. However, as a means to blow off steam, it is a good outlet.

Since I grew old and the goal line is in sight, I feel a need to give back and share my personal experiences with others who may be helped by it. Prior to my move here, I mentored children with high IQ's, so that they could avoid the problems I had which made me hide my intelligence behind fighting and being a tough guy. I can say that for every 2-3 likes I get there is one who thinks I am full of it, or living immorally. All I can do is ask how many people do you know who are married more than 44 years. We must be doing something worth considering if you open your mind to alternate forms of marriages that have worked for us and for other couples too.

Many prefer to drown in a pool of their own morality rather than seek the safety of a different morality.

Last edited by Vinnydee; 02-21-2017 at 01:06 PM.
Vinnydee is offline  
post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 02:08 AM
Forum Supporter
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 11,713
Cool Re: Should I continue to read TAM

Some of this stuff on here used to make me trigger, and occasionally still does to a greater or lesser degree; but the niceness of all of the countless friends that I've made here at TAM, along with the hopefully helpful advice and attempts at humor that I've dealt out, has more than made this so worthwhile for me!

I just consider my longtime presence here at TAM as being one of my many ministries in life!

Why not examine it from that perspective?

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Last edited by arbitrator; 02-21-2017 at 02:14 AM. Reason: Edification
arbitrator is online now  
post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 10:32 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Tampa area
Posts: 2,463
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

A fair question. You continuing to post here helps others see the journey head both the ups and downs. Personally the triggers I experience are helpful in making me more aware of the pitfalls and how to avoid them.

@MovingFrwrd has chosen to post occasional for just the reasons you mentioned as to several other posters.

Accepting that others will chose a different path is hard, but is a life skill. If you learn it here then you have gained yet another benefit form this site.


How to deal with an unrepentant spouse: an Irish person can tell a person to go to hell and have them so excited at the prospect they demand to know when, where the train is leaving and how to get a ticket. Then offer them a loan to get the ticket and a ride to the train station. Be Irish
JohnA is offline  
post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:15 AM
Member
 
MovingFrwrd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 234
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

Thanks for the mention, @JohnA. NoMoreTears4me, take a break. Don't worry about coming back until you're ready. Advice is welcomed here, regardless of where you're coming from.

I visit daily at times, other times it's weekly. I rarely post unless I feel that I have something of worth to say. JohnA shared a very good view with me - there are no bad posters, you learn from everyone even if it's what not to do, or what not to become. There's something to be learned in all the posts, and even more if you know their background and history to determine their posting 'style.'

I've spent a lot of time recently looking at threads that commentators have created, if only to learn where they are coming from.

You don't want to become jaded as you read a post. I'm guilty of a growing cynicism, and am working to combat that. Life is to short for crap like that... This place is a often a place of sharing pain. Too often that's all you take from the site, but it can also be a place where hope is shared. You can offer encouragement in rough patches. Many times, the OP just needs to hear an empathetic voice amidst a sea of damnation and anger. While there is truth in the damnation and anger posts, it needs to be sifted.

Each poster walks their own road. We can't possible know the entirety of an OP's situation, but can offer thoughtful responses. Always remember those responses are based on that particular poster's personal experience, and are not indicative of the site as a whole, nor do they necessarily represent the foreshadowing of what is to come for that OP. There are similarities, yes, but each situation presents a different number of variables that need to be taken into account for the endgame. I hope the endgame for each OP is a healthier, happier life.

I'm feeling introspective today, which accounts for the length and rather ambiguous post, but long story short please take a break if that is what's best for you. My understanding is the intent of this site is to provide help for recovery, whatever that means to you. If it's D, or R, or something else, you don't need to drown yourself in the worries.
MovingFrwrd is offline  
post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 11:20 AM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 6,232
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

This forum was a life saver for me when I was dealing with my last marriage ending. I have learned so much here! I continue to come here and post almost 5 years after my divorce because I like offering advice to others and share my experience. Often times it helps people to see that OTHER people have dealt with their same situation...it can make them see that they are not alone, and that others have gotten through it. Many times there are threads that I go into and read and know that I cannot handle their situation, whether due to triggers, or not being able to relate to their experience. Or, sometimes you can tell that the OP isnt going to take any kind of advice no matter what, so I try to stay out of those too as much as I can.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
3Xnocharm is offline  
post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 06:41 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Haiku's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United States
Posts: 3,556
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreTears4me View Post
This forum helped me a lot and I cant thank the people here enough.

I continue to read so that I will learn from others and make my future relationships better. I also reach out to others in pain and try to console and give any advice I can.

However...

I feel that sometimes reading these stories brings up anger and regret in my own life. I cant help but think of what was and how much I was hurt.

So do I just drop TAM all together or is this normal and part of the healing process?

Im torn on what to do
I stayed here on TAM for the friendly relationship with the regulars. I remain almost exclusively in the Social Forum. Those (you) people have had a profoundly positive impact on my life.

I occasionally wander into the other forums but very selective on what I read.

.........><)))#">
Haiku is offline  
post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,068
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

Lot's of really good posts. Some from other posters I have squabbled with in the past. One very good thing about seeing these posts is knowing, that may we disagree, we are all just here to truly offer the best that we know to be true based on our own experiences. Good thread and good OP for starting it.

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
Ynot is offline  
post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-21-2017, 07:50 PM
Member
 
FeministInPink's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 5,396
Re: Should I continue to read TAM

@NoMoreTears4me I get where you're coming from. This site really helped me get through my divorce, but after my divorce came to a close, I still felt triggered by reading other similar stories... so for maybe a year and a half or two years, I only read and posted on ONE THREAD. (It was the Singles thread, if you need to know.) This thread was full of people in the exact same situation as me. After that time period, I felt ready to branch out, and started reading and commenting on other threads again. And now I'm all over the freaking board! To the extent that I think I might need to take some time off because it's eating up a lot of time!

My point is, do what you need to do. Take a break, or find that one thread that you feel comfortable in, or stick to the social spot where people talk about random, non-relationship stuff. Whatever works for you, man.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
FeministInPink is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Do you read your kid's text messages? neganagatime The Family & Parenting Forums 16 12-11-2016 04:50 AM
In TAM I trust morituri Politics and Religion 52 11-12-2016 08:18 PM
Tapatalk and TAM: A Warning GusPolinski General Relationship Discussion 15 10-28-2016 12:47 PM
Thank you TAM Illbehisfoolagain General Relationship Discussion 6 12-31-2015 06:40 PM
TAM causing problems in my marriage Mulligan General Relationship Discussion 45 12-11-2015 01:35 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome