Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room? - Page 2
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Divorce and Separation »Life After Divorce » Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room?

Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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Old 12-22-2011, 12:19 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room?

Freak - I agree with you on some level, but I am also trying hard to move on from this. If I keep making decisions based on how I was treated then I'll never fully move on. I don't want that kind of hostile environment for my kids. I know that what is best for them is have both a mom and a dad that love and support them.

I'm working very hard to see the grey where the black and white meet.
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Old 12-22-2011, 01:49 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Freak - I agree with you on some level, but I am also trying hard to move on from this. If I keep making decisions based on how I was treated then I'll never fully move on. I don't want that kind of hostile environment for my kids. I know that what is best for them is have both a mom and a dad that love and support them.

I'm working very hard to see the grey where the black and white meet.

Could you be honest with him? That it's very vulnerable time for you and you're stuggling? Maybe presented like that he'd have a compromise.
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Old 12-22-2011, 04:18 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room?

GG- I have been honest with him. However my XH doesn't have a very large capacity for empathy (my counselors words). He really thinks that all of this just happened to us, and doesn't understand how I could still be dealing with the hurt he caused. He says things like "its been 6mos, you have to stablize sometime". He thinks all of my actions come from bitterness and a desire to see him unhappy. A compromise in his eyes is me giving in to what he wants.
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Old 12-24-2011, 01:50 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room?

I really was not going to respond to this message, but it is hitting to close to home.

He needs to get over his bad self.

If it makes him so uncomfortable that he feels he can criticize you than it is probably time for him to be protected from this harm and go away.

It is what is best for him after all.

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Old 12-24-2011, 01:56 PM   #20 (permalink)
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GG- I have been honest with him. However my XH doesn't have a very large capacity for empathy (my counselors words). He really thinks that all of this just happened to us, and doesn't understand how I could still be dealing with the hurt he caused. He says things like "its been 6mos, you have to stablize sometime". He thinks all of my actions come from bitterness and a desire to see him unhappy. A compromise in his eyes is me giving in to what he wants.
Then I would make best decision for YOU. He can always bond half an hour later with baby. He made the choice.
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Old 12-24-2011, 02:56 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room?

I am so sorry you're going through this! I'm pregnant now and I just couldn't fathom what you're feeling!

I say if it makes you uncomfortable, then don't have him there. Who cares if he throws it in your face later - it's not anywhere near as bad as what he did to you!

Now I do want to give him credit also - I am glad ands relieved he does want to be in his child's life... Surely that is small comfort, but reassuring in that your babies will still have a daddy.

My heart is just aching for you... I can't believe how calm and collected your posts seem... I'd be all over the place!

Wishing you the best, sweetie. *hugs*
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Old 01-03-2012, 03:50 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room?

I'm a man and was in the delivery room for both of my sons' births. From my perspective:

I was in the delivery room first and foremost to support my (then) wife.

Second, it brought me more into the process - something that we men miss out on.

I'm guessing you don't need or want his support during delivery. That means it's really about what he'll get out of it. Feeling how I do about my WXW, I'd make him wait in the hall.

He'll still be the child's father, and nothing can take that away. However, this will be the first of many life experiences he'll miss out on (every other birthday, Christmas, etc.). He made the choice.
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Old 01-03-2012, 04:31 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room?

OOE brings up a great point. You need someone in the delivery room as YOUR support person, and support is something he hasn't given you. He can come in after the baby is born to have his Daddy time, but have someone else in there for YOU, your mom, sister, best friend, someone that you know is supportive of you and your needs.
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Old 01-03-2012, 05:16 PM   #24 (permalink)
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OOE brings up a great point. You need someone in the delivery room as YOUR support person, and support is something he hasn't given you. He can come in after the baby is born to have his Daddy time, but have someone else in there for YOU, your mom, sister, best friend, someone that you know is supportive of you and your needs.
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Old 01-04-2012, 06:23 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room?

Ok, so its been a while since I posted this and have been doing some serious soul searching. New Years and all that, turning over a new leaf. I've been doing everything I've been told to "move on", but acting so cold is just not making me happy. I guess I have too much of a humaniatarian side to me (maybe a downfall). I just seem more unhappy being so angry about the situation. I feel like I need to let go. It would be different if I could just walk away and never see him again, but I don't think I'll ever have that option.

So, I did ask XH to have coffee last week. We sat down and tried to talk about other things going on in our lives. I gave him some ground rules about what we can talk about and what we can't. I don't want to argue. I just want to begin working towards a helthy relationship for our kids to be around.

Given that it is a c-section I'm not really in need of so much support for the birth of this baby. I think I might be ok with it now. We'll see how things are when it actually happens though. He has expressed the desire to "be there for me" in the hospital after the birth, which seems good. I have one ground rule for that. NO girlfriend is going to be allowed to come to the hospital to see our baby.

I think he still is extremely dense about some of this whole thing. When I told him that I wass going to try to be nicer and more open about our new relationship, he asked his that meant I was going to be nice and friendly to his gf now... yeah. um small steps. This isn't the girl that he cheated on me with, but I still have a huge problem seeing anyone else in that role with him. She's living in my house and playing mommy when I'm not around, so no I am not welcoming her into my life in anyway.

I think he has some sort of delusion that we all will be like some demented family int he long run.... ugh
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:36 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room?

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Originally Posted by LostJB View Post
GG- I have been honest with him. However my XH doesn't have a very large capacity for empathy (my counselors words). He really thinks that all of this just happened to us, and doesn't understand how I could still be dealing with the hurt he caused. He says things like "its been 6mos, you have to stablize sometime". He thinks all of my actions come from bitterness and a desire to see him unhappy. A compromise in his eyes is me giving in to what he wants.
This guy is a total a hole. I wouldn't want my kids exposed to the likes of him.

There's "moving on" and being stepped on. I think he's looking to wipe his feet all over you. Haven't you been through enough? It's time you look out for Number 1...YOU. What you are going through is about as personal as it gets and YOU have the right to do what makes you comfortable. NOW he wants to subject you to the company of his newest bimbo? HOW many does this make since he got you pregnant? What a complete and utter turd!

Tell him to take a long walk off a short pier and do what's best for you and your kids. Your kids don't need a cheating, insensitive jerk in their lives any more than you do.

BTW, he KNOWS he's in the wrong but by having you "accept" him and whatever girl is the flavor of the month into you and your kids life he can rationalize that what he's done isn't "so bad". Don't give him that satisfaction. Let him live with the consequences of his actions.
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:55 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room?

A male perspective......

First, blessings on you and your unborn child!

Having the father in the room is a recent thing....generations of children were born with the fathers pacing in the waiting room and I would have to say (since my dad was a waiting room dad) if sitting on the other side of the door is going to interfere with your EX bonding with his child....then I would have to say he is a poor excuse of a man and a father.

My nieces child was born with her husband thousand miles away in Iraq (we tried a SKYPE hook-up but it didn’t work); he didn’t hold his son until he was a bit over seven months old…….this was four years ago and this young Marine is a wonderful dad, a father any mother would want for her child.

The birthing is an intimate moment for you and the birthday of your child, the men are just spectators, only allowed to work the scissors, an act that a kindergarten student could do…

You have too much to focus on, you don’t need the distraction, you certainly don’t need the aditional stress…this is about you…your baby needs his/her mommy at her focused best and anything that distracts from this should not be allowed. Yes, it may be considered selfish, but that’s OK….your being selfish for the baby’s sake.

I hope you have people in your life you can ask to support you in the delivery room.....people who you are comfortable with....only people who you are comfortable with without qualifications and hesitations and your ex-husband does not qualify.

Wish you the best!

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Old 01-04-2012, 11:49 PM   #28 (permalink)
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Default Re: Divorced and Pregnant... Should I have XH in the delivery room?

If he is going to upset you..then no. He can have his time later on. My stbxh thought the entire process was about him..to the point where he held my first born son for 45 minutes before I got a chance to hold him...he also doesn't understand why I asked for the divorce when he was perfectly content with me AND OW in his life.

I would make back up plans for support...the GF might throw a last minute fit and let her insecurities bubble to the surface and he may decide to bond later in an environment the GF can handle better than you and him experiencing the emotions that go along with delivering baby with out her there to monitor
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