LostJB

Well, its been official for 2 weeks. Divorced. I'm also moving quite a long with my pregnancy (32 weeks). After all the drama in the last 6 months, I'm trying very hard to move forward with my life. Kids always complicate things. XH has moved on twice already, and seems to be baffled by my continued sadness over the situation. (10 year relationship is easy for him to leave behind)

He acts as thought he's entitled to make choices with this baby. I'm not saying he won't be involved at all. I want my kids to have a daddy. I'm just giving myself the "bubble wrap" treatment, trying to allow myself the closure I need to be happy someday AND still have him in my life in a father to my kids way.

He's been asking about being in the delivery room when the baby is born. I'm just not sure how I feel about it. I'm trying to learn to make decisions that are best for me, but its really hard to not see how it would be important to have him bond witht he baby in such a way. I don't want any undue stress, and really want to have a happy memory to look back on. Not one tainted with sadness over a lost life.

Am I just being selfish? OR Does anyone see how this might be for the best?

nice777guy

Do you think that he will be involved as a Father?

From a Man's perspective, I can see why he would want to be there. And as the Father of your child, I would think you might want to encourage that type of involvement.

BUT - I'm not the one who'll be spreading my legs - putting my feet in the stirrups - and giving birth! Its your decision, but I think he's doing the right thing by asking to be there when his child is born.

__________________
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity!" - Carlin

Scannerguard

Lost,

Hmmm. . .that's a tough one. Very tough one and I'm sorry for your pain.

I think he should respect what's best for your health, physical and emotional. Yeah, it's about the baby, but I could see how it could be too emotional for you if he was there and like NiceGuy said, it's your body going through hell. I hated seeing my ex-wife in that much pain all 3 times and I was married to her at the time. My heart just went out to her.

I would say don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Your wounds are too fresh and you have a right to privacy.

__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.

LostJB

Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate hearing from some men on this. I do think that he will be involved with the new baby. Our Parenting plan lists out specifics or the newborn visitation in addtion to the current plan for our son (3). My first child was born a c-section, and as much as I would love to be able to give natrual birth a try, the logistics and local hospital make it more difficult.

I think it would be easier to have XH in the room given a c-section situation. I feel like a lot o the decision for me is emotional (who would have thought from a pregnant laday?). I feel like he was the one who gave up our marriage for an affair while we were actively trying to get pregnant, and never tried to fix things. So part of me (the stubborn part), feels like he doesn't deserve to be a part of this. He hasn't been around for the baby to hear his voice. He missed the ultrasound, even though I invited him.

I guess if his argument was more about wanting to be a part of it all, and less about what he deserves as the "father", I would be less combatent. How he has treated me and this baby from the start doesn't gain points with me on the "deserves" argument.

nice777guy

Does he understand that when he actually becomes a father, its a lot less about his "rights" and what he "deserves" and much more about his "responsibilities?"

Hard to make a case for him based on your last post. I'd say let him wait in the hall...

__________________
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity!" - Carlin

golfergirl

Is this a planned C-section? Only having given birth naturally (for lack of better word), having someone there who I wasn't intimate with anymore and that I no longer trusted would be tough. It is so vulnerable being spread eagle and naked and hurting. I think he gave up that right. By all means wait in waiting room or lobby, but in actual delivery? I'd take my mom or sister or dear friend. Not even about punishing him. It's a very vulnerable time and I couldn't open myself up to someone who betrayed me like that again.
Posted via Mobile Device

golfergirl

PS. Baby won't notice who's there or not either.
Posted via Mobile Device

Scannerguard

You know, I know I sound like a "guy's guy" with my position on this. . .but I am not sure what all the hub-bub is about having the father there during delivery.

Now, I say that knowing, that seeing my kids born is one of THE most memorable experiences I have ever had. HANDS DOWN. I remember each of them (first one fussed, second one whimpered, third one kicked and screamed).

But war is memorable too. . .I wouldn't necessarily recommend it.

I don't know. . .all this social pressure to put the man in there. . .he's not a good dad if he doesn't. . .maybe he feels pressured and would be relieved if you relieved him. Yes, constant updates in the waiting room. . .I don't know. . .I'm conflicted.

I remember our marriage was on the rocks during the last delivery. . .there was no excitement about the birth. There was a surreal moment of sadness. . .maybe it was intrusive I was there. . .I felt intrusive. Maybe, since it was a surprise pregnancy, a moment she needed to face the moment alone.

The pressure is so enormous though, fathers feel like they are being bad if they are not there.

If not, the father will be grilled, esp. by women (nurses especially), as to why he's not.

Just sayin'. . .not advising necessarily. . .

__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.

nice777guy

No - but if the parents need ammunition against each other 10 years later, the "baby" may very well hear about who was or wasn't there and a one-sided story of "why"...

(no offense to OP...nothing personal to you...)

__________________
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity!" - Carlin

golfergirl

In OP's case, the more interesting story would be leaving the marriage while wife was pregnant with desired and planned pregnancy.
Posted via Mobile Device

Freak On a Leash

Yeah, what the HECK happened? Less than a year ago you were getting pregnant? What changed?

Damn, I don't even want to think about how I'd feel.

__________________
D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013
And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now

LostJB

niceguy - Your post about responibilites hits the nail on the head. Unfortuneatley this failure to take responsibility is why we ended up in divorce in the first place. I could recap the whole mess of a situation of my XH's affair, but that is in the past. I know that its impossible for me not have it affect me or my decisions. I also believe that part of my failure at my marriage was that I lost track of the importance of the husband/wife relationship in a family. It was very easy to me to fall into being "Mom" and putting my son first.

Its easy for me to make selfish decisions right now, but I'm afraid of failing at being a Mom because of it. I worry most about my kids growing up happy and feeling secure.

GG- I'm leaning towards the planned c-section. I'm high risk for natural birth, and my hospital is short of doctors so are unable to accomidate. I would have to drive 65 miles to get to a hospital where its an option. Having had a c-section before, I know its not a very long procedure. I'm not as exposed physically. It would be more of an emotional vulnerability. I'm still so very hurt at what has occured and I cry at any conversation i have with him concerning the past 6 mos. Its more important to me to protect myself mentally then physically right now.

Scannerg- I'm pretty sure that its hard for any man to step into a pregnant womans head, but there is a sort of intimacy for a woman when they have a baby. I had my first child in a University hospital with 10 medical personnel present. Yet it was the most intimate moment for me and my XH at the time. I feel that this time it would be a lie. I feel that stepping in and cutting the cord, possibly being the first one to hold her, would be so dishonest to how he threw this whole family away. This baby has been my saving grace for the last 6 mos, my light. But saying this, I know my XH loves his son, and don't want to rob my new child of having a relationship that close with her daddy. He is the one pushing to be there, so I don't think hes looking for an out. In fact, I'm pretty sure it would turn into another thing for him hold against me. Another thing that I wasn't willing to compromise on. Its very easy for him to point the finger and blame me for the divorce, even thought my options were that or being a doormat.

LostJB

Yes. I guess I'll give a small recap. In February we started trying to get pregnant and suceeded in May. I found out in June that he had been having an affair since about MidMay. I told him that he needed to stop contact with the girl and we could try to work on whatever had brought him to this. He refused saying that he'd "found someone that really made him happy". Didn't love me anymore, blah blah. I stayed in the house and tried to work on things for 6 weeks, but he continued to lie and see the OW. I finally had to leave, I couldn't take it anymore. I might have been able to stick it out longer if I hadn't been pregnant, but the emotions and hurt were just too much to bare. I needed to remove myself and our son from such an unhappy/unhealthy situation. Long story short. He never once changed anything or asked me to come back. Now he's with girl #2.

that_girl

My first daughter's father and I were broken up when she was born (through the whole pregnancy, actually) and he was there, by my side, in the delivery room...very supportive. I wasn't sure I wanted him in there either, but at the time of labor, it felt right.

I say, try it out. If you feel he's stressing you out or not being supportive, kick him out until the baby is born, then he can come back in.

That's what happens with divorce...he doesn't get privileges of being on the "inside" anymore.

__________________

Freak On a Leash

What a turd! I wouldn't let him within 100 feet of the delivery room! The only way he'd have anything to do with me or with that baby is through an attorney. He got you pregnant while screwing around with another woman?

IMO, he's the ultimate when it comes to slimebags and would be treated as such. The only thing he "deserves" is to have his balls cut off and stuffed down his miserable throat so he can choke.

__________________
D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013
And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now