Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #31 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-08-2017, 07:52 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Andy, I am confused. First, your ex was manipulative and abusive, now you say she is ignoring you. So I have to ask who is pushing who's buttons here?
You don't need to worry about her not playing with the kids, that is on her. She will reap the consequences of that (in)action. You shouldn't be relying on your ex to tell you what is going on with the kids - you ask them yourself when you have them. You should be glad she is not engaging you, this is what you claimed to have wanted. Now, go look in the mirror and ask yourself what is that you really want.


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post #32 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-10-2017, 02:14 PM Thread Starter
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I just want to have normal communication with her as this is going to go on for years. I want to be at least civil and put the childrens interests first. I don't need manipulation or bad blood just because of her seeing another guy. Feel like she can only have one focus and everyone else can go to hell. I get it that her man probably doesn't want me around but it doesn't mean she has to be a complete ***** about everything.

The other date was with an American woman. She was nice but it would never go anywhere as she has too many interests in California. I have lined up other dates but nobody seems sincere on these apps! Feel like giving up on it all for the time being be nice to just meet someone in person.
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post #33 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 07:43 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Your Ex is under no obligation to encourage the kids to speak to you. Your relationship with your children is your responsibility. Gone are the days when she makes a report to you-that's what spouses used to do.

You, Dad, must establish your own avenues of communication. The ex can't stop it, but unless you have a custody order that says she must place a call to you twice a week for the purposes of communicating with the children-she doesn't have to do anything.

And sleeping with new women on the first day, so soon after a divorce will do nothing for your path to healing. It will only lead to hook ups with empty bodies. I guess if that is all you want then have at it, but if you want an actual relationship with someone that is not the way to do it. You need to heal and grow from your prior marriage. What were the warning signs in your prior relationship that you ignored? Why did you do that? Have you properly handled your porn use?

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post #34 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 08:52 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

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Your Ex is under no obligation to encourage the kids to speak to you. Your relationship with your children is your responsibility. Gone are the days when she makes a report to you-that's what spouses used to do.

You, Dad, must establish your own avenues of communication. The ex can't stop it, but unless you have a custody order that says she must place a call to you twice a week for the purposes of communicating with the children-she doesn't have to do anything.
No she doesn't "have" to do anything towards encouraging the children to speak to their father, however a responsible parent who understands that in most cases children benefit from a relationship with both parents and are damaged by not having it, will make a solid attempt to keep the kids in contact with their father.

That much said, I get that most custodial parents tend not to do that, and if anything whether intentionally or otherwise, tend to alienate the noncustodial parent to some degree especially if the divorce is acrimonious.
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post #35 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:40 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Andy, I'm not familiar with your back story but it seems fairly evident from your thread that you aren't totally over your ex-wife, and that it may be too early for you to date and certainly too early to be jumping into bed with random women.

I went through this kind of communication thing regarding the kids with my ex-husband after my divorce, and I can promise you that it does get better. Right now she is using the kids to jab at you and irritate you. And you are worried about things you can't control (ie, her boyfriend and relationship with him). You two are poking back and forth at each other because of the residual resentment, anger, etc from your past relationship. Your focus is on your kids, but it's also on her. What you have to do is take her out of the equation.

I think you should take the advice of others and stop asking her about how the kids are doing. Buy them phones. Be clear with them how you want to be available for them anytime they need you. Unless there is evidence that she is abusing them, you can't control what she does with them when they are with her. Nor should you try. You CAN control what happens when they are with you.

Yes, it would be nice if she prioritized the kids such that she would offer you information as to how they are doing, especially if you don't see them often. But the fact is that she isn't required to, and this doesn't always happen after divorce. You just have to work to find ways to leave her out of it and find out directly from the kids how they are doing.

As YNot said, though, I think you should look in the mirror and really think about why you are interacting with her in these ways, and what it is that you truly want to happen. You need to take her out of the equation, but I'm wondering if you are really wanting to do that.
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post #36 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 09:58 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Will you give us an update on selling the house?
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post #37 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:08 PM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

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No she doesn't "have" to do anything towards encouraging the children to speak to their father, however a responsible parent who understands that in most cases children benefit from a relationship with both parents and are damaged by not having it, will make a solid attempt to keep the kids in contact with their father.

That much said, I get that most custodial parents tend not to do that, and if anything whether intentionally or otherwise, tend to alienate the noncustodial parent to some degree especially if the divorce is acrimonious.
You miss the point.
Either Andy can continue to be her "victim" who he claims is alienating the kids by not encouraging communication.

or,
he can be proactive as a parent, regardless of what she does or doesn't do. Form his own lines and practices of communication. If she thwarts them, then he can take further action in the court.

How he parents is not her responsibility, it is his.

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post #38 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

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You miss the point.
Either Andy can continue to be her "victim" who he claims is alienating the kids by not encouraging communication.

or,
he can be proactive as a parent, regardless of what she does or doesn't do. Form his own lines and practices of communication. If she thwarts them, then he can take further action in the court.

How he parents is not her responsibility, it is his.
Realistically, alienating parents cannot be effectively dealt with via the American court system, which is fairly good at dividing up money but fails miserably when it comes to "the best interests of the children".

Even if Andy could prove his case to a sympathetic caring judge, it's an expensive, slow process that rarely results in the court doing anything to prevent the ongoing alienation although there have been a few instances where the courts have gone so far as to place the children with the alienating parent but from a practical point of view Andy is better off spending his time and efforts being the best parent he can be to his children which it appears he is doing and which you seem to be in agreement with.
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post #39 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 03:04 PM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

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Realistically, alienating parents cannot be effectively dealt with via the American court system, which is fairly good at dividing up money but fails miserably when it comes to "the best interests of the children".

Even if Andy could prove his case to a sympathetic caring judge, it's an expensive, slow process that rarely results in the court doing anything to prevent the ongoing alienation although there have been a few instances where the courts have gone so far as to place the children with the alienating parent but from a practical point of view Andy is better off spending his time and efforts being the best parent he can be to his children which it appears he is doing and which you seem to be in agreement with.


Unfortunately for Andy he is within the UK court system which according to his words in his other thread give very few rights to the father.

I think you and @Pluto2 are saying the same thing. Andy needs to deal with his daughters according to his own proactive plan, and should expect zero support from Ex.
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post #40 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-14-2017, 03:47 PM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

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Unfortunately for Andy he is within the UK court system which according to his words in his other thread give very few rights to the father.
Our great country isn't all that different.

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post #41 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 05:15 AM Thread Starter
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One of my main issues is that she lies about everything and also, in her eyes, if she doesn't tell me things or withholds information, she thinks she isn't lying. She made up a story about going home from her mothers house alone to get some sleep. The kids were with their gran. I know she when to see her boyfriend but hopes that I will back her story up when the girls wonder where mommy went...it's all just a game and I never know what is real...plus, I made the mistake of finding her lover on Facebook...now I have his face to deal with..
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post #42 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 07:48 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

You reap what you sow, Andy. You made the "mistake" of finding her boyfriend on FB? Really?!?

Whether or not she is lying about where she goes when you have the girls is not your problem. Your problem is you are not letting go.

You are where you are because you want to be. She is no longer doing these things to you; YOU are doing them to you.

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post #43 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 08:20 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

You have been asked several times but have not replied - why did you move out of the house ? Why didn't she ?

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post #44 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

Move on or be miserable. Accept she's gone, move forward. You're just mentally staying in misery of your own choosing.

If you'll move on in your head, you will get to indeffierce toward her. You've got to let it all go.
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post #45 of 71 (permalink) Old 03-19-2017, 10:50 AM
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Re: Moving after divorce with a manipulative ex wife.

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You have been asked several times but have not replied - why did you move out of the house ? Why didn't she ?


He always hoped to get back together or he was worried about his family moving far away. Water under the bridge now.

Andy, I will ask a third time. What is the progress on selling the house? Evidently you want the new guy to sleep and live there since you won't sell it. How is that working for you?

This is under your control but you choose not to act.
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